Chapter 14: Shutting Down

LONDON – VICTORIA STATION – 1pm (8 am US)

BUFFY'S POV

I left the house silent and stunned. It's as if Mrs. Pinnington looked up every one of my buttons then pushed them systematically. Pretty much in a daze, I made my way back to the tube and by some great intervention by the Gods I got on the right one. So now I'm back at Victoria station waiting for the next train to Balham.

You know what the funny thing is? She's right; Vanessa's death is on my head. She was on the 'watch' list, Dawn told me about her and I did nothing. How could I have ignored it? There was documentation, classic signs of over-compensation for insecurities. To raid a vamp nest with no back up, stupid, stupid girl! Fuck, I should have seen this coming. I should have been out here as soon as Faith taught Emma how to cloak her own aura. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didn't. How many other girls have I not been paying attention too? Yeah well, one thing is certain; I am going to get my head out of ass.

Searching my bag I fish out my cell. She picks up after 3 rings.

"Hey baby," God I swear can almost wrap myself up in the warmth of her voice.

"Hey. Did I wake you? What time is it over there?"

"Nah, I'm up, it's a little after 8. You ok?"

I sigh, "No."

"The mother laced into you didn't she?"

I almost see her nodding her head with that knowing smile. "Yeah, and she was right about a lot of things." I bow my head as I finally speak the words that have been replaying in my head for the past 2 hours.

"Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself? A lots been going on here and you're only one person."

"I have no excuse, Dawn gave me the reports and I ignored them."

"Buffy, you can't save everyone," she says it with such sadness; I know there's more, "I" she pauses again; her voice gets very low, "you just can't."

"I know, but I can do my best, which is not what I've been doing for a while. I'm coming back tonight. Can you ask Dawn and Andrew to run the reports again? I want to spend tomorrow going over them."

"You bet. When's your flight getting in? I'll pick you up.

"It's ok, I'll grab a cab."

"B" she growls into the phone.

"Alright, ten to midnight. Don't forget to tell Dawn."

"Don't worry, I'll tell Andrew and Dawn to start putting it together."

"Ok, I'll see you later then."

"I'll pick you up."

I laugh, "Yes my stubborn girl."

"Call me when you get to Giles place."

"Even better, I'll call you before take-off and give you the flight info." As I hang up I realize I have about an hour to work out how I'm going to break it to Giles that I'm not staying. Shit - the hits just keep on coming.

CLEVELAND – BUFFY'S ROOM – 8:30am (1:30UK)

WILLOW'S POV

"Ok, all present and accounted for, let's begin." I see the weariness in Faith's face so I add, "And I promise I'll try not to grill you too hard." She winks at me but I know she seriously appreciates it.

"Did the Goddess hurt you?" Emma asks softy. I didn't really want her in here, at least for this first round, but she basically burst into the room about 5 minutes ago. She must have 'felt' something. Guessing she'd just get it out of us anyway we decided it was best to let her stay.

Faith's eyes made a sweep of the room stopping briefly to meet mine before finally resting on Emma's. "No, she didn't hurt me, just tired me out a little bit."

Emma sighed in relief.

Faith continued, "Red, from what you told me about your walk on the wild side days with Rack, I think she just took a tour. You know to see if I was telling the truth. I didn't feel her take any power, just kinda explore it."

"Then why are you still flat on your back Buddy?" Ken was not mincing words.

"Take it easy babe; we're lucky she's alive. If she took a mystical tour of your essence it can be incredibly draining. I only know from the son of a Goddess, so from her herself, I can't even imagine."

Faith locked eyes with mine, "I know you and Dawn have been warring with the Coven over the multiple texts and interpretations of whether Ereshkigal is good or evil. But I can tell you one thing with certainty; she was genuinely concerned about Emma's well being. I told her I'd never let anything happen to her, after taking her tour she believed me." She sits up a bit straighter, I can tell she's starting to feel better.

"Ok, we stay diligent, but maybe we can lower our status to Defcon 3?" Andrew is hopeful.

"What do you think Red?"

"Yeah, makes sense."

She slowly sits all the way up, "Ok, I'm ready for a shower and I have to get some of these windows open. B is gonna seriously kick my ass if she finds out I was smoking in her room."

Kennedy and Dawn head downstairs to make some breakfast as Dawn starts opening windows. "I'll open them but we're keeping your door shut, it's freaking November woman I'm not going freeze us all out."

Faith chuckles, "Thanks, can you guys stick around for a sec? Red you too?"

"Sure," Dawn opens another window then stands next to Andrew for some much needed warmth. "Something else wrong? You know besides an ambivalent Goddess on the loose taking un-booked tours of your essence?"

Concerned I sit on the bed next to her and put my hand on her leg, "Are you sure you're alright?"

She pats my hand. "I'm fine, really. It's Buffy. That kid's mom really ripped her a new one. She's coming back on an earlier flight tonight." She turns to Dawn and Andrew, "She wants all the patrol and Watcher reports run again and ready for her tomorrow. Whatever that woman said to her it hit her and hit her hard. She's got major guilt right now that she dropped the ball and is responsible for the kid's death." She looks down then back up at each of us, "That's why I didn't tell her about last night. She'd just worry on top of everything else. I'll tell her when I pick her up from the airport."

"And the reason you motioned to Kennedy to take Emma downstairs was..." I ask her knowingly.

Faith sighs, "I don't want her to feel like what's going on with B is her fault, you know?"

"Be careful Faith," Andrew wags a finger at her. "It looks like you're getting very good at watching out for the women in your life. It just might become habit forming."

She smiles at him, "Too late for that."

"Alright you two, shoo I need to talk to Faith for a second." I wave as they close the door behind them.

She scrunches her brow and looks at me, "What's up Red?"

"I'm concerned the Goddess was able to possess the vamp so easily and that she knew to come to you. Are you always cloaked?"

"Fuck yeah!" She was irritated.

"I don't mean to piss you off, just checking. I'm not sure if she was just hoping you knew where Emma was or if she knew you're protecting her."

"And if she knew, how did she know?"

"Exactly."

"Well, I guess I know what Ken and I will be doing today." She slowly gets up and heads for the bathroom.

"Thanks Faith, the demon population may not appreciate it, but I'm sure Emma will."

M25 MOTORWAY – 3pm (10am US)

BUFFY'S POV

"So that's why I need to go back now." I just finished telling Giles the whole story. I figured the truth was just easier and he would understand.

"I understand Buffy." Great but he's bummed.

"Thanks Giles. It's important the girls and their families know I care and I'm looking out for them. They have to know someone is behind them 100."

"I'm quite sure they already do. You must also realize you need to take some time for yourself. That balance is never easy, but it's the only way to keep perspective.

Looking into my lap I somberly state, "Slayers are not supposed to have personal lives."

"And we're not supposed to have more than one Slayer, Buffy. By changing one rule, you changed them all. Don't do anything foolish my dear; you were in very high spirits this morning and for good reason. Everyone needs happiness in their lives; you and Faith deserve it more than anyone I know. Don't shut down."

Tears are falling now, "Vanessa's dead because I didn't answer her cry for help."

"No, Buffy, she's dead because she took on an entire nest by herself."

"But I should have - "

"No, my dear, the girls you help train are not helpless, flighty things. Victoria Pinnington is a wealthy egotistical ass. She has no idea what goes on in the world outside garden parties and High Street politics. Please don't take everything she said to heart. She's hurting and wants to be hurting you as well."

He pulls over to the curb as we reach the airport. It takes me a minute to pull myself together but I do and we get out of the car. "Will you come to Cleveland soon? I know Faith would love to see you and I really want you and Olivia to meet Emma." I sling my duffle over my shoulder then cock my head to the side. "Wait, Olivia never met Faith, ok, now you have to come."

He smiles at me as he pulls me into a hug. "Of course we'll come. Perhaps in the spring, it's lovely there in the spring."

I hold onto him tightly, "I love you Giles."

"And I love you my dear." He breaks our embrace a little teary. "It's best I get going. Have a safe flight and give Faith my love."

I squeeze his hand, then let go, "I will."

CLEVELAND – BUFFY'S ROOM – 2am

FAITH'S POV

We're sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. I'm leaning against B's big leather reading chair and she's sitting between my legs leaning back against me. We're on our fifth log and second bottle of wine. I know it's only been a little over 24 hours, but we have a lot to talk about.

"So you were speaking in ancient Samarian?" She chuckles then takes another sip of wine.

I nod against the back of her head, "Yeah, crazy, huh? It's even funnier that good old Willy recognized the language." She's so quiet. I pull her closer and kiss her shoulder, "You ok? You must be exhausted."

"Nah, I'm good right here." She wiggles her back into me then leans her head back on my shoulder. "And haven't you heard? Sleep is totally over-rated." We laugh then just stare into the fire, drinking our wine. She haltingly speaks again, "I'm going to be traveling a lot."

"Yeah, I figured."

"You ok with that?" There's a strange tone in her voice.

Putting my glass down I wrap both my arms around her, "As long as we can still have nights like this when you get back, you betcha." I let my chin rest atop her head. "If I can help you..."

"Thanks, but you have your hands kinda full with Emma and the PtB."

"Emma's doing great and the PtB have been quiet so that means stay put. Look, I can help you go through the reports tomorrow. I don't have the psych degree, but I can spot 'Teenage-Faith-like' behavior."

She turns to face me. Her eyes search mine, for what, I don't know. There's something going on in that pretty head. She slides her hand behind my neck pulling me closer until our lips meet. I don't think I'll ever get used to the myriad of sensations that run through me when we kiss: the softness of her lips, the Slayer tingle in my veins, the sweet ache that creeps into my body. I know she feels the same, but something is different tonight.

She's lying against my shoulder again, spacing out into the fire. Holding her tightly in my arms I lean to her ear and whisper, "You want to talk about it?"

She looks down and wraps her arms around mine, holding them in place. "No, yes, oh I don't know."

"Fair enough."

She sits up and swings around pulling her knees under her chin. Facing me now she wraps her arms around her legs. She's looking down then inhales and "Why did you come here?" Just like that she spits it out.

"I...I..." I stammer like an idiot then take a huge breath.

"I mean it's just kinda weird that you get here the exact same day that Emma does," she looks up at me, "you know?"

My mind is racing and I don't know why I'm not prepared for this, but I'm not.

"Faith?" her voice is very high.

I can't speak; I just hang my head trying desperately to control the pounding in my chest.

She watches me incredulously, "The PtB sent you here didn't they? You're here to protect Emma. And this," she waves her hand between us, "is just what exactly?"

"B, it's not like that." I'm really trying to stay calm, but it's all rushing back so fast.

"Really?" She's getting angry, great, "Why don't you tell me what it's like, F?"

I drain my glass then look at her. Trying to level my voice, "I guess it would be too much to ask for you to trust me?"

Her eyes are welling up, "Oh, my God, why are you evading the question?"

"Buffy, don't..." My eyes are closed. I'm trying to find my center but her distress is so strong it fills the room. I can't push it out and it's feeding my own.

"Why are you not answering me?" Tears are cascading down her face. "Did it all mean nothing to you?"

I get up and put my boots on, "I, can't, do, this, now." I breathe out each word.

She follows, whipping me around to face her, "You need to tell me what's going on."

Shaking my head I look at the floor, "I really have to go." Please just let me get out of here before I lose it.

I'm almost to the door then I'm flying into a wall. Before I can regain my balance, B's foot slams into my chest. Mother fucker! The next thing I know B and I are going toe to toe; punches, kicks – some landing others blocked.

Jesus, what the fuck am I doing? I don't want to hurt her. Reaching back to reign in some semblance of control I pin her against the wall. "Just stop!" I yell.

One of her hands wiggles out of my grip then makes stunning contact with my face. Then I lose every ounce of control I've been keeping under wraps for the past month. "You want me to tell you why I came here?" I snarl at her as I grasp her face in my hands, "how about I show you instead?"

There's a flash then we're in the dark place. The first thing that hits you is the smell. The scent of burning, rotting flesh is one that never leaves your memory. I'd forgotten how strong it was, how it almost permeates your very being. She blinks at me as her eyes become accustomed to the murky light. I take her arm and pull her deeper inside. A cacophony of screams is heard, echoing over the walls, and then it stops.

"Where are we?" She looks around confused.

"Another time, another dimension, come on."

There's an orange glow that lights the hallway we're in. B is carefully stepping over the bodies that line the floor. "Can't we help them?"

I survey them icily, "They've already been helped, they're dead." I continue to lead her down the corridor.

"Oh my God." She latches onto my shoulder.

I laugh, "God has absolutely nothing to do with this place." Stopping at a door I turn to her, "Here we are honey," I don't know why I'm taking a sadistic pleasure in watching her discomfort and fear, maybe it's just being here again. "Why don't you take a peek inside?"

She narrows her gaze at me then looks through the 4 inch by 12 inch slot in the door. She gasps, steps back, then with eyes widening she looks again. "Faith," she pushes my name from her lips with great effort as she backs away from the door.

I know what's inside, there's really no need for me to look, but just like a train wreck, I kinda have to. And there I am: beaten, broken, incoherent and completely covered in blood. I watch myself scream in pain because my arms are crucified to the wall. How did I live though this? Shutting my eyes tightly I stumble away from the door.

"Faith? I don't understand..."

"We're in a dungeon, B, in the hell dimension I spent the last 857 days of my life before coming to Cleveland. It was the price for saving you from the M'Fashnik demon. You see, it would have killed you, Emma and the entire Coven. I was barely alive when they released me." She's watching me through the river of tears running down her face. "All I wanted when I got out of here was to see you, to be near you, so I came. And you know what happened? I thought you finally accepted me for me." I laughed, "But I was wrong."

Another flash and we're back in her room. Kennedy looks up at us, "Where did you come from? What the fuck is going on?"

Buffy looks freaked out, a dimension jump can do it, but I think she's reeling from seeing all of it first hand. I know I shouldn't have done it, but she pushed me. She's sobbing into her hands, probably having a hard time processing it all. Ken goes to her as I shake my head and walk out, "I don't know Ken."

"Faith," Buffy comes running into the hall after me, "Please don't leave. I didn't know. I couldn't have known."

Ken walks out of B's room and heads back to her and Red's mumbling, "crazy people."

Buffy's holding my arm. "Please Faith, I wigged because you wouldn't answer me. Please baby." She's pulling me back now and God damn it, I let her. She closes the door then guides me back to fire. I collapse into the leather chair as she sits on the floor in front me. "Now tell me everything."