(A/N) well, I've just gotten back the latter half of chapter one, albeit a bit earlier than I expected so here it is the full version. Now with the the added bonus of not forgetting the disclaimer.
Disclaimer: Do you believe I own Evangelion? Do you believe that if I where to own Evangelion I'd be wasting my time doing this? Do you believe that the mere fact that this is being posted on a site called "Fan"Fiction does not intrinsically imply that I am a fan rather than an owner. If so, I have the number for an excellent mental health facility which you may want to look into, but before you do that, Have I ever discussed with you the merits of owning a bridge?
A Day In The Life Of
A day in the mundane existence of one Shinji Ikari
Shinji's eyes snapped open at the behest of the interminable racket emanating from his alarm clock. Now your average boy would be hard pressed to consider Classical music coming through an SDAT, played of course at a low volume, a suitable form of alarm let alone a "racket", Shinji however being somewhat far removed from the "average boy" misnomer, considered it just such.
Kicking his feet off the side of the bed, our protagonist readied himself for the inevitable jolt of warm feet meeting cold floor, only to be somewhat befuddled at the sensation of warm and… feathery? This of course led to the first of many tidbits of knowledge he would acquire throughout the day; Which is the discovery that being pecked by a Penguin, especially during the early hours of the morning, is a none too pleasant experience.
He sighed as the penguin squawked at him and waddled its way out the door, not before, he noted, giving him the Flipper. What this means, or how it is so much as possible for a penguin to do so, what with lacking the range of mobility and all, was unknown to the boy, he was however certain it had occurred despite the intellectual shortcomings inherent in all early morning observations.
Picking himself up off the floor; too whom, following what will herein be referred to as "the Penguin incident", his rear end had become quite well acquainted. Though through the steady thrum of pain originating in that region, it became rather apparent that his rear wished to see other people. Preferably a nice feather seat or at the very least a beanbag chair, the floor was to say the least crushed. Deciding then and there to eat more, if for no other reason than that bone seemed a very insufficient form of cushioning, perhaps he thought, that is why Asuka was always berating him for his "bony ass". On a completely unrelated note, few are aware that the state of Denial is the largest and most densely populated of all the states.
He was broken from his reverie as his nose gave a greeting to his closet door any Eskimo would be proud of. His nose did not bleed however; his body learned long ago that it would need to preserve what precious little of that particular fluid remains in the boy's scrawny frame for the days in which Asuka forgets to lock the shower door. Those, Shinji absently noted, where decidedly good days.
His eyes snaked over the rows of white shirts and black pants, languishing over which to wear, either the shirt with the crease one inch to the left of centre, or the shirt with the crease one inch to the right of centre. Shinji, if nothing else, was an incredibly indecisive individual (who also had a penchant for alliteration). He remembered once making the mistake of asking which one of the two he should go for with Maya within earshot, his head still rang with the yelling of "GO LEFT, what I do in the privacy of my own bedroom is none of the governments god damn business!" Too this day the young boy was still confused as to what any of that had to do with the fold of his shirt, but not being a fan of conflict, he ultimately decided to go with the leftmost crease.
Maya was indeed a strange woman.
He emerged from his room, still bleary of eye and bereft of mind, even in such a sad state the scene before him elicited not so much as a twinge of surprise. Misato had seated herself at the kitchen table, obviously still somewhat drunk from the preceding days revelries. As such she had forgotten certain aspects of daily life one tends to get in the habit of when sharing an apartment. This was of course far from the first time this had occurred, hence Shinji provided her with his usual subtle reminder.
"Misato, clothes."
The older woman peered downward as the jist of what Shinji was referring to began too seep it's way through the nigh impenetrable shield of alcohol that routinely surrounded her brain.
"Hmm, yeah, I need those don't I?"
"Yes, yes you do."
With that briefest of conversations Misato began to make her way towards her room, which if she remembered correctly (which she hardly ever did) is where she last observed the aforementioned clothes. She slid her door open only to be interrupted by that nice boy who pointed out her lack of clothing, whoever he was.
"Misato, closet"
"Right, knew that, and my room would be…"
"Left, 2 doors down."
"Of course, knew that to."
And with that, the nude Misato was gone. Somewhere in a location, which shall forever remain undisclosed, a light labelled "fan service" flickered and slowly died, many wept for its loss.
No longer interested in the inebriated antics of his alcoholic flatmate Shinji Ikari began the arduous task of preparing the morning meal. Due to the lack of knowledge on the part of the author concerning the traditional Japanese breakfast, the days menu consisted of eggs, scrambled no less. He was but minutes into his daily routine before his eyes strayed towards the clock integrated within the stove. 7:32 on the dot, this meant within ten seconds his day would become approximately 50 decibels louder.
The door to Asuka's room made a clatter as it was gently relieved of it's attachment too it's hinges by a redhead. She emerged from her dwelling irate of disposition and tussled of hair, as she did every morning, the door in question having become somewhat of a boon for local repairmen.
"Oi, dumb-ass, you making breakfast?"
Shinji performed a quick mental calculation, determining that his previous estimate was off considerably, The decibel level had increased by a higher than usual 64 points, perhaps the day was not to be so average. In a more likely scenario the throat cold Asuka had been suffering from since her arrival had finally cleared up and he was now subject to the full intensity of her vocal capacity, all 7 octaves of it. A feat he had once imagined to be impossible for a human.
He muttered his response of "Yes" which much to his surprise Asuka heard. This had of course surprised him since he had been informed that people who place themselves near loud speakers often lose their hearing, especially at concerts, considering the proximity of her ears to her mouth, by all accounts Shinji observed she should have lost her hearing long ago. Asuka, Shinji surmised, was not partial to the laws of Physics and Anatomy, thus refusing to abide by them.
As Asuka made her way towards the shower, throwing over her shoulder her daily insistence that if he where to peak, certain aspects of his anatomy would become disassociated with his torso, she gave the boy a deliberate flick of her hips. Whether this action was subconscious in hopes the boy would peak through some secret desire for him, or through some secret desire to have some sort of excuse to inflict bodily rather than emotional harm upon the unassuming boy, is yet unknown. What is known however is that this was a gesture towards which Shinji harboured very little animosity.
As is well documented amongst the masses, whom Shinji had a sneaking suspicion where observing his every move, Shinji's skills when it comes to the culinary arts where the things of legend. Or to be more precise, where considered to be so when held up in comparison to the other potential candidates which have been a part of Shinji's rather short life. While attempting to formulate a viable explanation as to why this is, he was struck with a long suppressed memory of Gendo; slaving over a stove sporting a large apron with "Kiss the Cook" emblazoned upon the front. This was needless to say disturbing as Shinji began to scratch the surface of the reasons most of his childhood memories where repressed.
As he shook the image of Gendo donning an apron (which he absently noted, was pink) He began the process of distributing the morning's meal. Spooning the largest portion onto the plate set aside for Asuka, lest the girl once again berate him for being what she perceives as a "rampant anti-Asukite" the irony of such a statement coming from a girl who insists that Germans are the best people on earth being completely lost on the poor boy. Lending credence once again to the belief that perhaps the "Baka" moniker is not quite as misplaced as some have been led to believe.
Before Shinji could complete his task of divvying up breakfast Asuka emerged from her room, having previously completed her shower in record time (less than half an hour, a personal best) throwing herself down to the kitchen table with all the grace usually associated with a Bison tripping on a pothole She began to voice her displeasure concerning the lack of food in front of her at a decibel level bordering on 80.
"What! That's it?"
How the girl managed to look as she did despite being capable of eating any bison that dare to challenge her under the table, was a point of contention amongst Shinji and his small clique of friends, or as Asuka referred to them "The 3 stooges". A name Shinji once considered an insult before Kensuke had the consideration to show him a few episodes of said program; he now views it as the highest of compliments, contrary to the obvious derogatory intent of the phrase.
Now Shinji as it where, was stuck in quite a conundrum. There was a limited amount of food and it would appear that all three members of this humble abode where hungry, as such the boy quickly created a mental list of things he could say to avoid exacerbating things.
"That's all there is"? Concise, to the point, hmmm, perhaps just a tad too direct, it would give the impression of standing up for himself, an impression neither Asuka nor that invisible audience he believed watching him wanted. Another option sprung to mind "You don't want to get fat do you?" Definitely no, how that one even got in there was a mystery, possibly originating for some sort of subconscious desire for suicide. "Well you could make more yourself"? Hmm, while definitely not as bad as the previous, the end result would still probably be death, so no.
This process continued for quite some time before Shinji was finally capable of conceiving a phrase which would fulfill all of the requirements he set out for himself, a phrase he affectionately referred to as "old reliable"
"Sorry."
"God, do you always have to say that?"
Contrary to its original intent "old reliable" did little to sooth the savage beas…er Asuka. Shinji thus concluded that perhaps repetition would be effective. Tragically no one had ever informed him of the definition of insanity, being the act of attempting the same thing twice expecting different results, this knowledge could have saved Shinji a whole world of trouble throughout his life.
"Sorry."
At this Asuka merely "harrumphed" and started to work on her meal. Shinji being the obtuse bundle of joy we've come to know and love, considered this a victory as he thought to himself.
'heh, old reliable strikes again'
Misato emerged from her room just as the discourse (or more aptly marital discourse) ended between her two charges. The woman seemed surprisingly sober considering the antics of all but 1 hour ago. She had actually been persuaded by Ritsuko to sign her liver off to science after she finally kicked the bucket, mot likely after just avoiding a DUI charge.
"You two know you're going to be late for school right?"
Throughout the ages the mention of school has functioned as a substitute for a bucket of cold water for all those in attendance, this fact as proven by the immediate reaction of the two children, remains unchanged.
Asuka's plate clattered as she lunged towards the door dragging; none too gently might I add, a very confused Shinji behind her. Shoes were placed on feet in a whirlwind of motion as Asuka once more Dragged Shinji out the door. The poor boy no option open to him but to comply with the foreword motion of the girl.
He could only hope that his stomach as well as his lower intestines could catch up to him in an expedient manor as they made their way towards the school.
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(A/N) Well, as I said before, here's the full version of Chapter 1, A friend of mine had it and I wasn't expecting it back until tomorrow but since when am I ever right. This Fic was done to test the waters while I work on hammering out the details of a more serious Fic I'm working on so hopefully it's not too shoddy.
Once again I hope you enjoyed it, if note, my sincerest apologies for wasting your time (possibly for the second time today)
Anyway that's about all so have a good one eh.