Disclaimer: As it would be, my attempts at seizing control of Evangelion where met with resounding failure. Come on, how was I supposed to know that the security guards where armed. Geez, I come from Hamilton, here our security guards are lucky if the have a flashlight big enough to knock you one with.
A Day In The Life Of
Chapter 3: The lunch heard around the world
It was a beautiful day in the Eva-verse, the sun was shining, the sky was cloudless, the birds where singing, the chipmunks conducting. It was by all accounts an idyllic morning, so much so that it could beg the question "what could possibly go wrong on a day such as this?" Well, let's see.
Asuka had not so much as moved an inch for a time now bordering on 10 minutes, her eyes still remaining fixated on the site in which PenPen had flipped her off. The Penguin in question having long ago lost interest in her impressive rendition of a statue and returned to the cool comfort of his refrigerated habitat. Shinji was beginning to feel somewhat perturbed by the lack of movement on the part of his usually boisterous companion. As such, drastic measures where needed, and thus taken. Shinji however quickly tired of poking the motionless girl with a stick, and decided perhaps slightly more of a drastic measure was in order. He inched ever so slowly towards her, until the two where face to face and…
"WAKE UP!"
Before what ensues gets going, let us take a moment to analyze why what is to occur in fact does. You see, Asuka is in possession of a rather unique "Fight or Flight" instinct, unique in the sense that it has been stuck on fight since birth, and no amount of WD-40 would be capable of dislodging it from it's current setting. The reason behind this, as has often been theorized, being the same genetic fluke that led to her being born without a "mute" or "off" setting.
This has caused no less than a few problems for the girl in past times. One of which including an occasion, when confronted with a car speeding towards her, rather than leap from its path, as a slightly more sane individual would be inclined to do. She would instead turn towards it, as if to challenge the metal monstrosity, perhaps not quite yet realising that a Buick is in fact, far larger than she was. (A bonehead move the author himself once performed. By accident mind you). So when confronted with a loud noise in front of her face, rather than leaping backwards, as most (including Shinji) would anticipate, she leapt forewords, in an attempt to confront the source of the noise.
Shinji's mouth being open in mid yell, and Asuka's in mid battle cry, this particular action resulted in a lip lock Kaji himself would be proud of. Which Shinji's nose noted, was significantly more enjoyable than the last. The two were relatively quick to realise what had occurred and bounded backwards, simultaneously brandishing accusatory fingers at one another. In unison they both arraigned the other.
"You kissed me!"
It was at this point that it may have come to the attention of those in attendance that the beloved counter with it's detailed summary of the exact time remaining until Asuka's mind breaks, was vandalized by some punk kids last night, so we shall have to keep track manually. I believe we are now at two, god damn punk kids.
Asuka, as quickly as her legs could carry her, made her way towards the washroom hoping to wash the taste of raw Shinji from her mouth. Gargling in the tap, she began to envision the countless forms of revenge she could inflict upon the boy for taking advantage of her in a moment of weakness. In an attempt to keep the "T" rating of this particular story, these insights will not be elaborated upon. However, let there be no doubts as to the venom of these particular judgments, the term "Eviscerate" for example was thought a total of 20 times in less than a minute, shattering the previous record of 16. Which ironically enough was also set by Asuka in a situation suspiciously similar to this one.
Shinji, it would appear, now had his turn to be frozen in place. His mind not quite possessing the same resilience as that of Asuka, was broken quite suddenly. Laying in pieces strung about the floor. He could only hope that Asuka would not accidentally step on one of them upon her return, lest he never be able to reclaim it.
He continued to stare at the wall, unmoving and unblinking. So frozen was he that while he probably still would have been hard pressed to give Rei a run for her money, he would have had no trouble besting a tree. Except of course for an Evergreen, who happen to be surprisingly resilient. In fact, even Asuka's return could not break him from his stupor.
"Shinji, Don't you think you should be moving by know."
Unbeknownst to Asuka, she had posed a question Shinji was currently somewhat incapable of answering. This incapability had very little to do with his current difficulties the boy had when it came to matters such as speaking in "Words", but more to do with its inclusion of a variation too the phrase "do you think". Which as we have already established is currently a no.
Finally tiring of awaiting a response, she decided to rectify the situation in the same fashion she dealt with most problems confronting her. A swift kick to the shins later, Shinji was back with us in the realm of the living, the grey matter thought to be lost too the floor, seeping it's way back towards him. His first conscious thoughts making their way out his mouth, bypassing the editing section of his brain altogether.
"Well that was pleasant."
Within his brain, alarms sounded as the thousands of miniature Shinji's charged with the boys higher functions began running about as panic began to set in. Damage control was working overtime attempting to formulate some sort of spin they could put on the words he had just uttered, before those words could lead to their untimely demise. A video feed popped up as a direct link to the spinal cord was established. Hundreds of Shinji's appeared on camera, all running in every which direction, only one recurring phrase could be heard over the clamour.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Severing the link as quickly as possible in the interests of maintaining morale, the main control room found itself without a hope in the world.
"Prepare for impact!"
"Increase weight distribution 6 degrees to the rear, roll with the punches!"
"Vocal cords, prepare to put "old reliable" on repeat."
Outside, Asuka's eyebrow was beginning to twitch. Shinji had long ago catalogued the various forms of Eyebrow twitch Asuka stored in her rather expansive repertoire. This particular twitch happened to be a full twitch of the right eyebrow, with approximately half an inch each movement. It was a twitch of legend; the kind of twitch old sea captains would exchange tales of in dingy saloons. He had only ever once seen this particular incarnation. It was following a former classmate's decision to pinch her buttocks. (God rest the poor boy's soul.) Increasing his weight distribution to a full 12 degrees to the rear in order to compensate. Shinji awaited his untimely demise.
Ten seconds passed without incident as Shinji, surprised to find himself still alive and for the most part, fully functioning, slowly opened one of his eyes. He noticed that the twitch had calmed down considerably to just below a level four. While level four was indeed far from being out of hot water, his life was fortunately no longer in serious danger. Asuka finally responded.
"What. Did. You. Say."
"Umm, I want a Pheasant?"
Lame Shinji, very lame.
Perhaps it was wilful ignorance, perhaps she agreed with the pleasant statement; perhaps she just didn't feel like violence at this juncture. The most likely scenario however was that having only 2 shocks remaining in her now fragile psyche she was bemused enough to actually believe the boys tall tale.
"Now where in the hell would we get a pheasant? You really are an idiot you know."
In the confines of Shinji's mind, streamers were set off and glasses were raised as the denizens of his brain began a celebration unparalleled across the land. They had gone so far as to even invite their own band (Real small fish, a Real big Fish cover band consisting entirely of Shinjis). Even the large portion of the crew to whom introspection and angst was usually delegated joined in the revelries as a commemorative plaque was placed upon the outer shell of the wall. It read "On this day of December 5th 2015, Asuka was outsmarted by our very own: Shinji Ikari". This was the wall to witch all the plaques where placed upon Shinji's victories over Asuka, as you could imagine, it was a rather desolate wall consisting mainly of small ribbons spouting slogans such as "Good effort", "Thanks for trying", and "Honourable mentions". The plaque was quick to become quite lonely indeed.
Returning once more to the real world, a tiny smidgen of drool made it's way out of Shinji's mouth, this being an unfortunate side effect of the skeleton crew now covering for the partygoers within his head. Quickly swabbing it away he responded.
"Oh well, I guess I'll just have to forget about it then."
"Damn right you will, besides Pheasants suck anyways."
Shinji was about to retort, sure he could take being called an idiot, a pervert, a waste of flesh, and these were merely minor annoyances. He let those slide, but to insult the almighty Pheasant, well that was just crossing the line. He was about to voice his displeasure as suddenly a message appeared within his mind "Don't Fuck It Up" (on an unrelated note, did you know that according to the American ratings society you are allowed to drop the F bomb once without being struck with an "R" rating? Adding to that, did you know up here in Canada you can drop it a fuckload of times and not be rated "R" unless you include violence? Just food for thought.)
Shinji, while certainly no candidate for mensa or a nobel prize, was still not quite a complete idiot yet. As such, he knew full well when to heed the voices residing in his head, and when not to. For instance when they are to tell him to keep quiet or not to screw something up he knew he should probably listen. When they tell him to burn things however, well that's just asking for trouble now isn't it?
"Well alright. Hey lunch at school is almost over, we should probably head back now."
Asuka gave the boy a once over, trying to concoct a reason as to why anyone who could, by any stretch of the imagination, be considered right in the head would wish to voluntarily return to that institution of torture and mind numbing tedium known as school.
"Are you daft? Why would we do that?"
"Well, we did miss 5 days of school so far this month."
"So what, yesterday was my birthday, I'm expected to miss then."
"What about before that?"
"Pre-birthday celebrations of course, besides 5 days aren't all that many."
"Asuka, you realize it's only the 5th right?"
"Who cares I'm not going."
Shinji always had a sort of prenatural sense for when Asuka was being deathly serious, and this was most definitely one of those times. He wracked his brain as he struggled to find a way to bring her to school. Not wishing to go on his own, this seemed the only option. Finally the light bulb illuminated as an idea came to him. he proclaimed in as baritone a voice he could muster.
"You know you've kissed me twice now."
This plan worked like a charm as Asuka suddenly found herself frozen up as stiff as a board and remained that way. Shinji sighed as he walked of to the closet to grab the wheelbarrow they kept in there. This closet being the one they in which they stored props to be used purely as easy plot devices. Loading the now inert Asuka into it he began to whistle as he walked once more towards the school, ignoring the stares of onlookers along his way.
Poor Asuka, only one shock left in her.
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On a street corner merely blocks from the school stood Ayanami Rei, the lunch hour nearly up, unless she defeated this fire hydrant swiftly, she would have to miss school once more, failure was not an option.
As luck would have it, it was that moment that a fire truck pulled up in an effort to extinguish the flames licking the walls of the building just across the way. The fire hydrant turned it's gaze towards the source of the alarms as a sense of duty kicked in. Rei once more smiled inwardly.
"I win."
And that was all as she began to make her way back to her classroom. Hiding the packet of matches away into the folds of her skirt.
Failure after all, was not an option.
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Misato sat at her desk staring intently at the can of beer seated in front of her, constantly waiting. She pulled her sleeve up to reveal the second watch hidden from the prying eyes of onlookers. She mentally cursed as the realisation struck that it was merely 4:59 somewhere, and she would have to wait it out for a whole nother minute. The seconds passed along, each tick of the clock reverberating in her head like a jackhammer pressed to her temple, finally the alarm went off. It was now officially five o'clock somewhere.
She would have asked Ritsuko, who had actually been the one to give her the watch as a belated Christmas gift, (Or for those in possesion of more delicate sensibilities, "Holiday gift".) where this particular somewhere happened to be. That unfortunately would mean it would be 5:00 in a definite location in her mind, no longer falling under the category of somewhere, thus ruining the whole effect. As such she revelled in her ignorance to the location in question as she popped open the tab and drained the can of its contents in a mater of seconds.
God did she loved that watch.
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(A/N) And there you have it, chapter three. I know there are a lot of people out there who loathe anything that has so much as hints at A/S so I figured I could at least give them 2 chapters to enjoy before I started to get into the actual plot. However featherweight this particular plot happens to be. A few of you got an alert yesterday that the third chapter was up, and it was for about 5 minutes. For those of you who care, let me recount to you my tale of woe. I finished writing this yesterday afternoon but was really unhappy with it, I spent about an hour going over it until I couldn't take it anymore and decided I'll just put it up as is. Fortunately for you guys I came to my senses quickly afterwards and took it down to work on it again this morning with a clear head. I'll probably put this up again later since I had to write all of the additions in notepad since 2 of my 3 computers chose today to be broken, the 2 in question being the only ones with an actual wordproccesor in it, so sorry for the spelling mistakes. I'll try to make it up to you guys with a cameo by a beloved webcomic character next chapter. Hint, think "Great Teacher".
Once again I hope you enjoyed it. If not, well this is the third chapter, why the hell are you still reading?
Also a big thanks goes out to all the people who bothered to review this, I honestly do appreciate it immensely.
The A/N's are getting kind of long, but just one more thing to note, I officially don't like whatever it is when you upload something that decided "hey I have an idea, let's get rid of the spaces and capitals, but not all of them, just random one's so it's hard to find."
After all is said and done
All of you: have a good one…eh.