Disclaimer: It would appear that "insider trading" as it where is illegal, I just wish someone would have told me this beforehand, as such, I am writing you this disclaimer sitting on a very cold seat in prison, thank god for soap on a rope. When I come up with a new plan I'll let you know.
A Day In The Life Of
When All Hell Freezes Over
The devil awoke to a particular sensation he found quite disturbing. Being the lord of the underworld, there was a very limited list of sensations, which he would describe as "disturbing," in fact he had them listed upon a tiny post-it note beside his bed frame. You would be surprised how difficult it is to get a post-it note to stick to burning souls, but he managed. Peering at the notice, in an effort to remind himself of what this may be, he began to list them off.
Finally our resident lord of terror came upon the listed phenomenon, which would most aptly describe this particular sensation. He was shocked to say the least; he had not felt this one since 2011 when the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup. If you where incapable of deriving the exact feeling from the previous statement, let there be no mistake, the devil was cold.
Shivering a bit under the covers, he began to regret his earlier decision to put off buying that winter coat. Finally amassing enough courage to get himself out of bed, he let his feet drop upon the two waffle irons he left open beside his bed for just such occasions. Getting dressed in as many layers as he could, he decided to go about his daily business despite the chill in the air. It was as he opened the door that he was confronted with an occurrence he had never been privy to before.
He was snowed in.
"What the hell are they doing up there?"
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Shinji was quite occupied with cowering at the moment. Rational thought, taking what one could only assume to be the most rational course of action, had long since fled in terror, this leaving Shinji to the mercy of his baser instincts. A great many of you may now recall a previous analysis upon the "fight or flight" response in respect to its effect upon Asuka. Shinji, despite the nigh uncanny similarities which existed between him and the girl, when it came to this, the two would be hard pressed to be further apart.
Unlike Asuka, it was our hero's flight instinct which remained perpetually dominant. Another point of divergence would be the execution thereof, while Asuka, when confronted with a problem would have the instinct kick in, Shinji seemed somewhat incapable of turning this instinct off. As such, he did the action most predominantly advocated by his self, he ran.
The remaining members of the group, while certainly pleased to see their companion still being alive where, to say the least, a bit apprehensive at having his arrival herald the shift of focus on the part of Asuka, to them. Now, while the instincts of the group as a whole where more or less balanced, they where still human, thus Rei quickly found herself with a whole host of children cowering behind her.
Rei was a rather sedate individual as most would be happy to tell you, conflict not really being in her nature to initiate. But every being in existence has its limits, this compounded with the rather unique circumstances surrounding her current body, led to her being quite livid.
Shinji had catalogued the various facial expressions of anger, using Asuka of course as the predominant subject in this particular study. While it was chiefly focused upon the eyebrow twitch, he had what could be best described as the definitive collection. It came as no surprise then, that he was somewhat taken aback to be confronted with two expressions which, as far as his recollection was concerned, he had never before been privy to.
The eyebrow twitch being his specialty, he knew it had its very own limitations, mainly based on the fact that the eyebrow happened to be attached to the head, limiting its range of movement. Rei, as it would appear had managed to discover a means in which to circumvent these inherent limitations. He never would have imagined that the eyebrow twitch was capable of dispersing itself out to encompass the whole face.
While he may not have specialized in it, the nostril flare was the secondary subject of his investigation. As has been well documented, the nostril is in possession of only so much flesh of which to expand, maxing out earlier than the eyebrow. As such, the expression that Asuka seemed to be sporting caused Shinji to believe that perhaps he would have to rethink the nostril equation in its entirety. Shinji then gave his professional opinion to his cowering teammates.
"I think we should run now."
The author, for those of you who may not know this, has never considered himself to be the preeminent authority in the practice of writing fight scenes. It can however be assumed that this was quite the momentous battle. If anyone out there truly wishes to have a comprehensive account of the battle, they would have to travel no further than the local video store. It was, as Kensuke was later to describe it, much akin to a bizarre cross of DBZ and Girls Gone Wild. It would also be prudent to note, at this time, that this was the only mention of a certain god forsaken television show that is ever to appear in this, or any other fics this particular author may wish to write in the future.
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Gendo and PenPen were busy at work setting up their doomsday device. While Gendo was by no means entirely thrilled at the prospect of having to debilitate one of his top pilots, he considered it but a small price to pay for total world supremacy. This would be the last time "Evil Geniuses Monthly" passed him over for evil genius of the year.
PenPen was, as is to be expected, following a much different train of thought. Or to be more precise, two different trains of thought, just another perk of being a genetically altered penguin, the first of which being the act of revelling in his soon to be exacted revenge upon the one who stole his cable. The other train of thought of course was more closely related to sardines, despite his capacity for building weapons capable of wreaking havoc on even the most powerful of nations, the can opener was still a tool he was yet to master. Thus was the paradoxical existence of being an anomaly, abhorrent to the eyes of nature.
At last tightening the final bolt, the dastardly duo prepared to launch a volley in the direction of their specified target. It was at this point however, that the recollection of whom this girl was struck PenPen. He could not allow this assassination to take place. This was clearly not out of any form of empathy for the girl in question, but rather originating from the recollection that if she where to be removed there would be one less person in his home capable of operating the can opener. Just as the burst of energy was about to be released, his small penguin frame leapt towards the barrel, knocking it just an inch to the left.
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"They're over there, to the left!"
"Got it."
"No! No, your other left!"
"There's no other left you know."
"Would you shut up, who's driving here."
"I wish it where anyone but you."
"I have to agree with her."
"Shut up already!"
The car, whose current passengers consisted of none other than Misato, Ritsuko and Maya, continued in its rather erratic pattern. This erratic pattern of course, brought to you courtesy of Misato's rather unique driving capabilities. So entrenched were they into their squabbling, they failed to notice the blinding light emanating from off in the distance to their left.
As any self respecting denizen of an Anime universe would be more than happy to inform you of, a blinding speck of light off in the distance is usually indicative of an energy beam, often, rather unseemly consequences tend to befall those who fail to take them into account.
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The group of Asuka hunters, minus Rei of course, continued to observe the epic conflict before them. As is to be expected, Kensuke had produced a camera, which Shinji was certain that but two minutes ago, he didn't have. He continued on in his insistence that while the photos he had taken of Asuka had fetched a hefty price indeed, those profits would pale in comparison to what this roll of film would produce.
Shifting focus once more to Hikari who, as the resident "sane" individual was shell-shocked. Ducking as a car was sent sailing just over her head; she noticed it was in fact a Toyota, perhaps due to the recent shortage of functioning Buicks which had stricken the city. Being position as a solitary bastion of sanity was not the only reason for this sudden shift of focus however, Hikari was also the only member of the observers to see the flash of light off in the distance.
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The sound of the explosion rocked all of the individuals in attendance as the beam of energy, whose sudden shift in trajectory had aimed it directly at Rei instead struck the speeding sports car. Taking into account the nigh comical levels of violence Anime characters seem capable of withstanding in matters involving plot progression the three women sat in the centre of the dust cloud virtually untouched.
While through the haze of dust and rattled minds, very little conscious thought could emerge, Misato was obviously in her element and perfectly capable of functioning without full use of her higher brain functions. Still not forgetting the original intent of their mission she ran out and nabbed in the midst of all the confusion. Their mission successful she then dragged her two companions and "commandeered" a parked car.
As the dust settled and the remaining persons began to regain at the very least some of their senses, confusion reigned supreme.
"What the hell just happened?"
"Dude cool!"
"Hey, where's Rei?"
"Did we die?"
"Yeah, I see Asuka but no Rei."
"I don't think so, you don't look dead."
"Well then, that's not good, who'll protect us?"
"I guess not. Dying probably would come with less of a bang."
There seemed to be only one who had managed to evade the grasps of bewilderment, unfortunately for those in attendance, this person happened to be Asuka. While not confused, she most certainly was peeved; having lost her recently adopted sparring partner she seemed in need of another conduit through which to vent her frustration. And lo and behold, who happened to be standing in front of her at that very moment but Shinji, who she noted, with his mouth agape as such, was looking quite the idiot.
People have an odd sense, many of you fine readers have probably at one point or another felt a sneaking suspicion that someone was looking at you. This is normally just the slightest of sensations but it does indeed exist. If however, any of you where to be the subject of the look coming from the crazed German, the word slight would most certainly no longer apply. Knowing this Shinji turned towards the source of the gaze, lest it manage to burn a hole right through his skull.
"Um…Asuka? Do you think maybe we could calm down?"
"I AM CALM!"
Irony being dead however, this made perfect sense.
She lunged at the very suspecting and yet wholly unprepared boy, sending the two a tumble along the street. Shinji knew right then he was at most, seconds away from death, she had him pinned and, lacking the strength usually associated with… well the strength usually associated with being alive, he couldn't pry her off. Within this context even, what was to occur was by no means expected, likely or for that matter even feasible. His death imminent Shinji did the only thing that came to his mind, being 14 and all.
He kissed her.
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-Elsewhere-
Satan was still stuck in his house, Hell lacking snowplows he could only wait until this whole day just blew over. Still clad in his blanket, sporting oven mitts on each hand and a heat pack on his head, he looked towards the thermostat. Just a few seconds ago it had dropped yet anther even further, now resting at -30 degrees. (The author being Canadian this is of course in Celsius, rest assured however, that's cold enough for spit to freeze before it hits the ground, which is coincidently pretty much the only pastime available to those living in the Northwest Territories, poor shmucks.)
Satan turned his head up to the sky (or more aptly, ceiling) before asking his question. Perhaps he was asking god himself, or maybe he was addressing the pig flying overhead.
"What the hell are they doing up there."
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(A/N) And there you have it folks, the second last chapter. So to those of you who read and enjoy this, the end is nigh, for those of you just reading this of boredom and really, all things considered, couldn't care less how much longer it is, you are a crowd in all likelihood far too large to address at once, so be off with you.
Next chapter will be more of an epilogue than an ending, so I hope you're looking forward to it. It should be up by Saturday, or in the more likely case, Sunday.
I'll thank once more those who reviewed, and of course thanks to Rioes, who has turned pointing out all my stupid mistakes into an art form in and of itself.
Have a good one eh.