Chapter 20

"Is he still sleeping?"

Leo startled as his oldest son's voice caught him from behind just as he was shutting the door to his and Piper's room, "Shhh! Careful, don't wake him. God knows he's in serious need of rest."

Wyatt was a sight. His face was scarred with weeks of sleepless nights and his eyes revealed the hours of crying he had spent after the emotional tension had boiled over that afternoon, "Is mom and the baby in there with him?"

Running a hand through his ragged hair, Leo nodded, "You know your mom, she probably won't budge until Chris is fully conscious. And she's been dying to get a hold on our granddaughter for weeks. I don't think we'll be seeing the three of them for a good while."

"Damn it," Wyatt cursed to himself as he shut his eyes and let his body fall against the wall.

"Wyatt," Leo responded softly as he kneeled in front of his son with concerned eyes, "Don't take it too hard. I know today was a pretty rough sight. Trust me, it was killing me too. But we gotta keep it together. You hear me? We can't fall apart now."

Shaking his head, Wyatt felt his eyes burning with suppressed tears. He couldn't get the image of his brother breaking apart out of his head, "Did you see him today? My god… Why him? I don't understand! Why can't we protect him? He's not supposed to be hurting like that, dad! He's not!"

The two men sat in silence as they reminisced over what they had witnessed the past several hours.

"You know I don't support this, but I think under the circumstances I can say screw it. So let's grab a couple of beers."

Nodding his head slowly, Wyatt made to rise but all the while, the afternoon's events kept playing over again in his head…

:FLASHBACK: (Earlier that day…)

"Chris! Would you just stop and listen for a second!"

Halfway out of the dining room, Chris whipped around with pure annoyance and frustration displayed across his face as the rest of his family fell to a halting stop behind him, "Listen to what! My family telling me I'm losing it in the head and that they want to send me away to a mental institute! Geesh! If I'm that much of a burden then just tell it to me straight! I'll just take my daughter and leave!"

Losing her patience, Paige replied with her desperate plea, "Chris, it's not like that! We're worried that all this stress may be causing serious effects to your health! We're not sending you away to some mental institute! I have a friend who's a specialist and you'd be spending a week with him at a cabin away from all this tension. Come on, Chris. Please. For your Aunt Paige and the rest of your family, think it through."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Chris felt himself getting worked up, "So a vacation with some stranger is supposed to cure me? Is that it? This vacation is suddenly gonna make it okay that I don't have a wife anymore? Is it gonna make up for the fact that my daughter is gonna grow up mother-less, is that it!" Chris tried to keep his emotions leveled as he once again stared at the pained looks of his family, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose control like that. I really appreciate all of your concerns, but……. I just can't do this right now. I have to go upstairs and check on my baby."

As Chris was making his way to leave, Leo grabbed him by the arm to stop him, "Then when are you gonna face it Chris! You need to stop running! You have to let it out son! I don't care how you do it, talk to someone, scream, cry- hell, punch something! I don't care! But you can't keep it bottled inside you, Chris! It's going to kill you! Do you understand that! It's killing you now! If not for the sake of your family, do it for your daughter! 'Cause at this rate, she's gonna be father-less too!"

Chris winced at the last sentence as he stood pondering his dad's words. Clenching his eyes tightly, he wrenched his arm out of his father's grasp and shook his head in denial, "I'm fine! I can deal with everything by myself, alright! I just need some time. So lay off my back! Please!"

Leo refused to back down as he stared his son in the eye, "Go talk to the psychiatrist, Chris. Please."

"What if I don't? Are you gonna hit me again, dad?" Chris knew it was a low blow, but at the time, he was just desperate to get his dad off the topic.

"Chris, this is getting ridiculous! Have you even looked in a mirror! Is this the father you want your daughter to grow up with! Jesus Christ! You. Need. Help!" Wyatt budded in as he emphasized his words.

"Wyatt," Piper stepped in as she calmed her son down, "Back off a little. Chris, you know we're only telling you this with you and the baby's best interest at heart. Don't feel like you're taking all this on by yourself. You have a safety net, its okay to fall sometimes."

"Oh, you've gotta be shitting me," Wyatt's voice suddenly exclaimed as he spotted something he prayed really wasn't there, "Is this 'I'm handling it guys' to you, Chris!"

"Wyatt, what-" Phoebe began but was roughly cut before her sentence was completed.

Quickly understanding his blunder, Chris turned to walk away when he was grabbed roughly from behind by Wyatt's blunt grip, "Damn it, Chris! Don't turn away when I'm talking to you!"

Smacking Wyatt's arm, Ryan gave his oldest brother a confused scowl, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Back off, Ryan!" Wyatt quickly snarled before turning his attention back to Chris who was staring at a picture that hung directly behind Wyatt's head to avoid Wyatt's eyes, "Are you insane! What the hell is the matter with you, Chris! Do you not trust us that much! Do you really think that's your only damn alternative! I want a fucking answer, Chris!"

"Alright, enough! Wyatt, if you don't let go of your brother right now I swear there will be hell to pay! What are you going on about?" Piper's gaze burned into Wyatt's although Wyatt seemed to be unfazed as he was too wound up to care.

Roughly grabbing Chris's arm, he rolled up the sleeve to reveal several large cuts, some of which still seemed to be slightly bleeding, "This is Chris's method of handling it!"

Yanking his arm away from his brother, Chris ducked his head and turned to leave suddenly feeling guilty and ashamed. His family, however, had other plans as about four arms reached out to stop him.

"Oh my god…. "

"CHRISTOPHER HALLIWELL!"

"You better start packing your things, mister 'cause you're leaving in twenty minutes!"

"That's NOT one of the ways I pictured when I told you to deal with it."

"I swear I could fucking kick your scrawny ass right now you little punk!"

"How could you possibly think hurting yourself was an answer!"

"Did you not think about what you were doing to your family! To your daughter!"

"Do you think Bianca would've wanted this for you! Do you think she would've wanted to see you mutilating yourself like that!"

"I'm waiting for an answer, Chris!"

"Chris-"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Chris's voice riveted throughout the household as he held his head in between his hands trying to drown out the voices of his family. Immediately his family went into a dead silence as they saw Chris was teetering on the edge of a nervous break down.

"Chris-"

"STOP IT! STOP SAYING MY NAME! ALRIGHT! I'm a screw up, I'm a dumbass! I can't get anything fucking right! I suck as a dad, I suck as a brother, I'm a messed up son, I'm a shitty husband! What the hell do you want from me!

I just lost my wife! MY WIFE! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ME! They weren't after her! SHE DIED BECAUSE OF ME! We were supposed to be married and raise our daughter together! I was supposed to die before her! I wasn't supposed to watch her die! I promised her I would protect her! I PROMISED HER! She was always holding me up, and this is how I repaid her! She was always there no matter what! SHE WAS THERE! That's something I can't say for any of you! And now, she's gone and I have to do this on my own! Of course I'm driving myself down! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

You wonder why I'm going insane! I had to fucking watch her die while I couldn't do a damn thing about it! And all the fucking while I knew this was all my fault! The last thing she told me to do was protect her daughter, OUR daughter! So excuse me for trying to hang on to the only thing I have left of her! For trying to at least do this one thing for her! I promised her I would stay strong for our daughter and I'm trying like hell!

You guys trying to break me down, trying to get me to talk about it! To re-live it when its hard enough to block out the nightmares! Yeah, ITS NOT HELPING!"

Chris angrily swiped away his tears and temper his ragged breathing.

"Cutting yourself isn't the answer, sweetie… You should've just come to us! To me! I'm your mother for crying out loud!" Piper choked out as her face was distorted from suppressed sobs.

"Don't judge me! If this was the only way to numb the pain, then I did it! Because my daughter needs me more! I don't have fucking time to cry and mourn and pathetically wish Bianca was still here! None of its going to bring her back! If hurting myself was the only way to make the pain go away for a bit so I can take care of my daughter, then I'll do it! She's not coming back! I've dealt with it and now I'm moving on! I have to stop playing the role of mourning husband and start acting like a dad!"

With a look of understanding, Phoebe scrunched her eyes with sorrow, "That's not true… You still expect to see her waiting for you…….. You're not ready to move on…… You're still waiting for her, aren't you?"

His aunt's statement made its mark as Chris clenched his teeth and without a word, orbed out.

"Leo-" Piper quickly began.

Opening his eyes, he responded, "He's at P3."

"Ryan, stay here with the baby, we'll be right back."

As Leo, Wyatt, Piper, Phoebe and Paige orbed in to a dimly lit P3, they quickly flinched at the loud crack of wood and the shattering of glass.

Chris grabbed another chair as he threw it with all his might against the unyielding wall, which caused the chair to splinter and scatter into several pieces. Screaming in frustration, he grabbed another chair and repeatedly smashed it into the wall as he threw his whole body into every move and felt his heart constricting with every splintering of the wood. Dropping the chair, his emotions still throttling through his body, he viciously threw himself at the wall. His fist continually striking the unrelenting barrier, he felt himself shake as he bit back a sob and instead began assailing the wall with even more brutality.

"I HATE THIS! I FUCKING HATE THIS! I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!"

As an arm seized him across his waist from behind, Chris began to wildly buck and struggle as his haggard breathing altered into jagged sobs, "Let me GO! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Pulling his son away from the wall, Leo turned Chris to face him as his violently thrashing son continued to strike Leo across the chest, "Let me go! I hate this….. I HATE THIS!"

Pulling his shaking son into a tight embrace, the two fell to the floor as Leo bit back his own tears as he watched his son break down into hysteria.

Gripping his dad tighter, Chris scrunched his face as the sobs were constricting his lungs making it harder for him to draw breath, "Make it stop hurting, dad… Please, make it stop….. I don't want to do this anymore…. Just make it go away….Please….."

Choking on his own sob, Leo nodded his head and slowly rocked his son as he whispered soothing words to his hysterical son, "Shh… I've got you… It's okay Chris, everything's going to be okay…"

Shaking his head, Chris clenched his eyes and gritted his teeth to keep in the tears as he embraced his father tighter while burying his head in his shoulder he managed to choke out, "It's not going to be okay, dad…. She's not going to come back… She's never coming back…. So when will it be okay? Please tell me … When will it be okay?"

The two remained as they were for hours as the rest of the family watched from the sidelines, the only sounds were of sobbing and haggard breaths, watching their family slowly start to unravel and fall a part. What they didn't know was that this was the final push…. This final push that would lead them to a series of horrid and unforgivable events in which none would forget…

TBC…