Chapter Three: In Which a Spell Goes Wrong
The annual Hogwarts Staff Christmas Party was always an amusing affair. There would be music and dancing, food and drinking, and the traditional contest for whoever could invent the best spell in less than half an hour. Last year, Professor Sinistra had created a spell that, rather than doing what it was intended for, conjured half a moldy sock. Snape had taunted her about it for three weeks after having won the contest with a spell that had forced Peeves to float around the school upside-down and backwards, struck dumb, for two days. She was not looking forward to being reminded of it again this year.
Celaene and Victoria turned up together ten minutes early to find the house-elves just finishing the decorations and setting out piles of crackers. The room was in the dungeons, but, for once, brightly lit and cheerfully decorated with holly and mistletoe. It was right beside Snape's dungeons, and, after a few minutes, they heard his voice shouting, "No! No bloody decorations!" and a squeaky house-elf voice reply, terrified, "Dobby begs sir to forgive poor Dobby, sir! Dobby will not do it again, sir!"
Sinistra chuckled as the Potions Master swept into the room. "What are you laughing about, Celaene?" he snapped.
"Don't let Hermione Granger hear you treating house-elves like that, Severus," she said. "Hasn't she tried to recruit you for S. P. E. W. yet?"
"Oh, yes… Bloody know-it-all came around last week with her badges and collecting tin. She wouldn't shut up until I took thirty points from Gryffindor for… what did I call it? Oh, yes—'undermining staff relations.' What tripe."
Sinistra laughed. "So, Snape, what kind of spell are you going to make this year?"
"I haven't given it any thought," he said coldly. "I can't believe Dumbledore forces me to attend this every year."
"Forces you? Why don't you just threaten him with home-made spells like you do to me?" It had been almost three weeks since that incident. Celaene had thirteen days left to seduce Severus into seducing her.
"Dumbledore is not as fun to threaten," he replied wickedly. "You should have seen yourself, Sinistra, petrified on the floor… Very satisfactory."
The Astronomy professor rolled her eyes but was spared having to answer by Dumbledore bouncing in and greeting them all, "Merry Christmas!"
Snape glared witheringly at Dumbledore's back but stomped over and pulled the other end of the wizard cracker that was offered. It let out a crack like a whip and several butterflies flew out along with a large bottle of firewhiskey, some Chocolate Cauldrons, and a bright red thong.
Dumbledore offered Snape the Chocolate Cauldrons and firewhiskey, but pocketed the thong. Celaene raised an eyebrow. "A thong? What do you suppose he'll do with that, Severus?"
"I'm hardly curious," replied the Potions Master disgustedly. He retreated to a corner and opened the bottle of firewhiskey after he Vanished the Chocolate Cauldrons. Sinistra walked over to the Headmaster.
"Albus, are we having our annual contest this year?"
"Of course, Celaene! It's the high point of Christmas," replied the Headmaster. "And I will be offering as a prize this year one week free of night duty."
"No roaming the corridors after dark? Wow, Headmaster, you are so generous," said Sinistra, impressed. Last year's prize had been a pair of woolen socks.
Twenty minutes later, the other professors had arrived and Dumbledore called them to order. "Now that we are all assembled and have had plenty of a chance to drink firewhiskey and elf-made wine, it's time for the annual spellmaking contest. You have thirty minutes starting…now."
Celaene stared miserably at her wand. She never had any good ideas. Snape, predictably, had a quill and some parchment and was no doubt already working on the wording. As she stared at Severus bent over his paper, she realized that this could be the perfect way to seduce Snape into seducing her…
Ten minutes passed in perfect silence before there was a loud bang like a gunshot and everyone looked around to see Severus sitting in a pile of blue frosting looking slightly murderous. "My apologies," he muttered. "Wrong words. My Latin is not wonderful."
Sinistra laughed with the rest of the teachers as Severus Vanished the frosting and continued with his spell, looking sour.
"What's the Latin word for 'seduce'?" she murmured to herself.
"Seducere," Victoria answered from beside her. "Why do you need that for your spell?"
"Snape," she answered shortly. Vector smirked and went back to her own spell.
"Time is up," said Dumbledore in his deep, ringing voice. "We'll go in alphabetical order… Filius, would you start, please?" Flitwick flicked his wand and they all watched, bemused, as a load of dark smoke poured from the tip and then, with a loud sucking noise like a plug being pulled from a drain, something black and foul-smelling flopped out.
"What was that supposed to be, Flitwick?" asked Albus politely.
"It was intended to produce a spell to induce dizziness and a tendency to use the Muggle toy, those hula-hoops," said the tiny Charms professor unblushingly.
"Hmm… I'll give it a four," the Headmaster said thoughtfully. "Remus?"
"I'm afraid that the only spell I'd like to create is quite impossible," he said quietly.
Dumbledore nodded and uncharacteristically said nothing but, "Minerva, you next." The Transfiguration flicked her wand and the glass of wine she was holding twirled around several times before forming a small tornado in the palm of her hand and spun across the room, sweeping up every staff member's wand and holding them tightly. Celaene began to protest—her wand had belonged to every witch in her family for twelve thousand years before her—but then she watched as it turned into a lollipop. The tornado redistributed the lollipops. Snape looked furious and Sprout was ripping hair absently out of her scalp. "Give me my wand back, Minerva," he said in a voice of quiet anger.
"Lick it," she said simply. He stared at her incredulously. Then, slowly, he licked the black lollipop that had been his wand. It melted back into a thin strip of wood.
"Very good, Minerva," said Dumbledore delightedly. "I'll give that an eight."
McGonagall smiled. "Thank you, Headmaster."
Sinistra went next. She twirled her wand at Snape and murmured, "Seducerio!" Snape was thrown off his feet by the force of her spell. Dumbledore leapt up and ran to the fallen Potions Master. "Severus?" he asked, raising Snape's eyelid gently. Snape giggled slightly and sat up.
"Sn… Snape?" asked Celaene uncertainly.
"Hi, Celaene," he said with a bright smile.
"Hi… Severus…" she said nervously.
"You look very pretty tonight," he giggled.
"Okay, that's enough," said Sprout. She pulled out her wand, flicked it and muttered, "Finite incantatum," and Snape blinked and stood back up.
"Celaene Sinistra," he spat, "I am going to slaughter you."
"I'm sorry," she squeaked.
"I thought the rules stated that no spell could be tried on a person?" Severus asked Dumbledore, who nodded.
"I'm afraid I'll have to give you a zero."
"Worse even than Trelawney, Celaene," said Severus with a malign smile. "I'm very surprised…"
Albus coughed slightly. "It's your turn, Severus. And if you hex Celaene, I'm afraid you'll be disqualified."
Severus ignored him and rolled up his sleeves, picking his wand up off the table. It was the exact opposite of Celaene's—black where hers was white, sixteen inches where hers was only twelve. His contained a dragon heartstring and hers a phoenix tail feather. He gave it a long, languid wave, rather like cracking a whip, but very slowly, and a mass of soft, white steam came out and shaped itself into the Dark Mark. Minerva jumped to her feet, but Dumbledore shot her a warning look and she sat back down slowly, her eyes fixed on the Mark. Snape did not blink but kept his eyes focused on the mass of fog. The snake protruding from the skull's mouth writhed and twisted, hissing, before it twisted back on itself… and tied itself in a knot. The snake solidified, fell to the floor with a dull thump, and vanished. The skull cracked apart and was reduced to a small pile of dust on the floor. Severus closed his eyes and lowered his wand. He was shaking.
A long silence, louder than any Celaene had ever heard, filled the room until Dumbledore broke it, saying gravely, "Severus?"
Snape looked up, his long dark hair—so many called it greasy but now it looked silky and shiny—parting and falling out of his face. "Headmaster."
"You just created a spell that destroyed the Dark Mark."
"Yes, Headmaster."
"I'll give you… a ten."
The stunned silence broke into grudging applause—Snape always won. Dumbledore turned to Pomona Sprout. "It's your turn."
"What's the point?" she asked despairingly. "Snape's already won."
Severus bowed. "I'm leaving, Headmaster."
Dumbledore sighed. "If you must, Snape."
He swept out of the room like a bat and they all heard him enter his dungeons a few doors down.
"Headmaster, I think I'll leave, too, if you don't mind," said Celaene tentatively. "I'm a bit tired."
"Yes, go ahead, Celaene," Albus said with a slight smile that Sinistra found altogether too knowing, even for Dumbledore.
Feeling slightly disconcerted, Celaene slipped out of the dungeon and down the long, cool corridor, her footsteps clicking sharply against the heavy grey stone. Snape was given almost total rule of this part of the castle as none of the other teachers chose to hold classes or live all the way down in the dungeons. He kept it cool and tidy, with cold blue flames burning in the torches, but otherwise completely neglected all but the small chambers he lived and worked in.
Sinistra knocked hesitantly on the door to the dungeon room Severus lived in.
"What the hell do you want, Albus?" Snape snapped irritably. "You just bloody told me I could leave!"
"I didn't realize I looked so much like that raving lunatic, Severus," Celaene fired back. "Honestly, Snape, I'm offended."
"Oh, it's you, Celaene," said Severus disdainfully as he opened the door a crack. She could see in the narrow sliver of himself that he let show through the door that he was halfway out of his clothes. She pushed the door open a bit wider. He had a bottle of firewhiskey in one hand and his wand in the other.
"Yes," she replied shortly. "And I sincerely hope you're not planning on drinking that," she added, motioning to the bottle.
"I am, as a matter of fact. What of it?"
"You're so unpleasant when you're drunk."
"No more so than you," he muttered, taking a long drink straight from the bottle and grimacing as it burned his throat. "'I want Snape'," he quoted, mimicking her voice. "I refuse to let you seduce me."
"Ah, but the wonderful bit is, Snape, that you don't have to. You have to let me seduce you into seducing me," she said, stepping inside without invitation and closing the heavy door behind her.
"And it won't happen!" he shouted. "No matter what half-witted spell you invent."
"Or how much you drink?" she asked blandly.
Snape hesitated, then put the bottle down, closing it with a flick of his wand.
"Ah!" she exclaimed in delight. "I knew I could make you stop drinking."
The next think Sinistra knew, she was out in the corridor again, covered in firewhiskey and her robes were smoking slightly.
Licuma Lome: Just press the little lavender button... that's right... Yay!