For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 3: It's My Life
(Sam's POV)

I don't know what to do now, how to explain. I understand what Janet's been trying to do, the things she's been trying to get me to acknowledge but that doesn't mean I have to like it... or that I have to be willing to go along with her. What part of 'it's my life' doesn't she understand? The problem is that, if past experience is anything to go by, then trying to get her to back down is only going to make matters worse, so I guess I might as well try to get this over with.

It's true that even before Janet decided to push this little heart to heart I knew things were far from perfect, but right now I don't have a clue as to what the next step should be... and, to be perfectly honest, I don't think she does either. I know I don't have to make any sort of decision right now, I know I can take my time --as long as I need-- but that does nothing to change the fact that things are far from okay. In fact, come to think of it, I think my main problem right now is that Janet's been pushing me to acknowledge just how far from okay things really are and I'm not sure I want to know.

Up until now I had been so worried trying to protect my place in SG-1 that I hadn't even notice the number of things that were being overlooked in the process. The thing is that even if I were to acknowledge that I do have a problem, I don't see how that's going to help and I don't know what I can possibly do about it.

I mean, as Janet pointed out, when the time comes I'm going to be faced with a very bad choice, but worrying about that is not really going to change anything... besides, the truth is that right now I can't see myself having sex. Even if I'm not afraid, it is not the most comfortable of ideas and that is not something I would expect to change any time soon so what's the point of borrowing trouble?

I am so distracted thinking about the future --and trying not to think about the past-- that I almost jump out of my skin when I feel Janet's hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" she asks and I realize that she's probably been trying to get my attention for a while.

"Yes, just thinking," I say, shaking my head as I try to clear my thoughts.

"About?"

"About what you said... and the truth is that I don't know how I'm going to handle that. I mean, up until now I had never even considered it but..." I trail off, still not quite knowing how to explain.

"Don't worry, Sam. I know you had never even thought about it and --as you said-- it's not like you are dating anyone right now so it can wait, you don't have to figure it out right this minute, that's not why I brought it up. It's just that I figured you can't afford to have the issue ambush you when you start dating someone."

"That's the thing, you see? I hadn't even thought of dating anyone..."

"You just threw yourself head first into your work and hoped that everything else would work out somehow?" asks Janet with a knowing smile.

"Yes, I guess so... though I'm not really working more than I did before Simarka," I say, shrugging my shoulders.

"In other words, the fact that you were a workaholic who wasn't dating before that mission basically served to mask the fact that you weren't coping?"

"Hey, I'm coping," I say.

"Yes, just not very well, at least not in this particular regard," she points out.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask, letting out a sigh.

"How about the truth? Yes, you are doing fine when it comes to 80 percent of your life, but that pesky 20 percent is going to be the hardest to overcome and I think you know it... especially because it is a 20 percent you can try to sweep under the rug and pretend it isn't there," says Janet, refusing to back down.

"I know but..." I say, not knowing how to explain any of this. Janet may be one of my best friends and I am really grateful for the fact that she is not treating me any differently, that she is not walking on eggshells around me and acting like I should be protected from anything that could possibly upset me or trigger a memory, but at the same time I can't deny that I'm doing my best not to remember.

"But it's too tempting to pretend?" she asks.

"How did you...?" I trail off.

"It's a natural defense mechanism," she points out. "You can cope successfully with most aspects of your daily life and arrange things in such a way that the ones that are still giving you trouble are unlikely to pop up in the first place so you don't have to think about them. That's why that last 20 percent is so hard to overcome, because --up to a point-- you can function without it... at least for now. May I ask you something?"

"Now you are asking?" I growl, not quite believing my ears. I mean, if she had asked that before we started this 'friendly little chat' it would have saved me so much trouble.

"How bad is it?" she asks, totally ignoring my little outburst.

"How bad is what?"

"The trouble you are having," she explains.

"It's manageable," I say.

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't know, I mean, it's not like I have a frame of reference here so it's hard to quantify... besides, it's not like there is a clearly defined scale that can be used to measure..."

"Let me rephrase that, can you tell me how you are really doing?" she interrupts me.

"It's not too bad for the most part. I mean, something will trigger a memory every now and then and that's not fun but I guess that's to be expected, other than that... well, the truth is that there haven't really been any major changes in my life as a result of any of this," I say. "Yes, I'm not dating anyone but the truth is that that goes back a lot further than Simarka..."

"How much further back?" asks Janet.

"Over a year. I haven't really dated anyone since I broke up with Jonas."

"Jonas?"

"Jonas Hanson, my ex-fiancee," I explain.

"Wait, Jonas Hanson... wasn't he the leader of SG-9, the one who died in..."

"P3X-513? Yes, that Jonas Hanson," I confirm.

"But that was after I was assigned to the SGC and you never even mentioned that you were involved with him!" exclaims Janet, looking kind of hurt.

"Because I wasn't," I explain. "I broke off the engagement before he was assigned to the SGC... in fact I broke off the engagement long before there was a SGC."

"So it wasn't mutual?"

"No, he was..." I trail off, really wishing I could get out of this one.

"He was what?"

"Too controlling," I admit.

"Controlling how?"

"He was a very passionate man, I'll give you that, but he was also deeply religious and that was part of the problem. Let's just say that he had some pretty serious issues and leave it at that," I say, hoping that she will get the hint and let the subject drop.

"What kind of issues?" pushes Janet, obviously not willing to go along.

"Well, sex was a pretty major part of the problem," I admit. "A part of him was convinced that it was a sin but at the same time he had a bit of an impulse control problem and that meant that celibacy wasn't really for him, so he would blame me."

"Blame you?"

"For 'tempting him', for 'making him stray'... even though more often than not he was the one who initiated it," I explain. "That and he wanted to know where I was each and every moment of the day, who I talked to and what I was doing. I wasn't willing to put up with that and when he got physical with me I realized that it was never going to work so I left."

"He hit you?" asks Janet, looking more than a little shocked.

"Once," I say, feeling more than a little embarrassed. "I didn't stay around to find out if he'd do it again --even though he all but begged me to give him another chance-- still, I think it's a pretty safe bet that sooner or later he would have."

"And there was no one between Hanson and Turghan?"

"No, why?"

"Because that may end up making things worse," she says.

"Worse?"

"Yes, because chances are you are not just dealing with the fallout from Turghan here but that you also have some issues left over from your relationship with Hanson. I mean, I don't think they would necessarily have become issues on their own but with the situation with Turghan added on top of what must have been a pretty shaky foundation to begin with, things could get complicated."

"Believe me, Jonas has nothing to do with anything," I say. "I mean, I admit that I came pretty close to making a huge mistake on that one but I can honestly say that nothing happened... and I had really already gotten over that breakup long before Simarka so it's really not an issue."

"If you say so," says Janet, still sounding far from convinced.

"Yes, I say so," I growl. "Let's face it, seeing how I wasn't dating anyone when the whole thing with Turghan went down that means that my previous relationship had ended before that. Relationships don't usually end because everything is perfect so the fact that there were some hard feelings after a rather nasty breakup is something I would deem to be normal."

"Okay, I guess I can give you that one, but you still haven't told me how bad things are right now," she reminds me.

"As I said, other than the odd memory popping up every now and then I'm doing fine... and I assume that those memories, as well as a few nightmares are pretty much to be expected. They aren't fun but..."

"Are we talking memories or flashbacks here?" interrupts Janet, growing suddenly serious, not that she was particularly cheerful before.

"Memories... and the truth is that even those memories fall more under the category of 'strange' than 'bad'."

"What do you mean?" she asks, sounding rather puzzled.

"It's more like little details than anything major," I explain.

"Care to give me an example?" asks Janet.

Do I even have to say that a trip down memory lane is not exactly my idea of fun right now?

Author's notes: hi guys, first of all thanks for your reviews, they are really appreciated.

Also, I know you are not going to like this considering that this chapter's end is kind of cliffhangerish, but I'm afraid that next week there won't be an update. Sorry about that. The way things stand future updates are going to be posted on the following dates:

-Birds of a Feather (story id: 2326309) will be updated on January 2, 2006.
-Under Alien Skies-Girls Night Out (story id: 2694424) and In the Genes (story id: 2645891) will be updated on January 5, 2006.
-A Watcher's Son (story id: 2695189) will continue to be updated every other day.

Having said that HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (BTW, did you know that reviews make great presents?)

Alec