For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1

Chapter 4: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
(Janet's POV)

For a moment I'm afraid that I may have pushed things a little too far by asking Sam to share some of her memories with me but at the same time I realize that the more information I have about what I'm dealing with here, the easiest it's going to be for me to come up with some sort of strategy because I have to admit that right now I'm playing this one by ear and that's probably not the safest approach under the circumstances. The problem is that while I do need as much detail as I can get, there are quite a few elements to this whole mess that leave me saying 'I really don't want to know'... not that Sam is looking forward to what's to come here either.

I understand that she is feeling uncomfortable --just as I realize that in spite of all the assurances she's received up until now she is still afraid that I may change my mind and recommend that she be removed from SG-1-- but at the same time I realize that there are some aspects of this thing that we just can't keep on putting off for much longer. Yes, she is nervous about sharing some of the details of what happened in Simarka but that is only natural. I understand that, just as I realize that up until now we've carefully avoided all details concerning what happened in that tent and sooner or later that's going to have to change and the way I see it this is as good a chance as any for that to happen.

What I do know is that this is one conversation that was all but unavoidable and it is also one we will both be a lot happier once it is out of the way. We both want it to be in the past, the problem is that getting it there involves actually talking about some things neither one of us knows how to approach... of course, at the same time I know that there is a line I should be very careful not to cross here and right now I'm wondering if I haven't accidentally stepped over it. I'm still wondering what to do, asking myself if maybe I should try to give Sam a way out of her current predicament when she says:

"They are just memories, Janet, that's all and --as I said-- not all the memories are that bad, some are just little things that don't seem to make much sense. Heck, some of them I think could almost be described as funny under different circumstances... if they didn't..."

That is not something a I had been expecting to hear and I have to admit that I am more than a little curious, though going by the way in which Sam trailed off I think even those 'funny' memories are bothering her.

"Funny?" I ask, wondering what she could possibly have meant by that.

"Yes, silly things, like what happened when Turghan ripped that stupid dress off my body."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that's one that keeps coming back whenever I'm getting dressed or undressed so it is something I literally can't help but remember every day," she explains. "You see, after I had been caught he dragged me back to his tent, tied me to the center pole and then ripped my dress off using the same knife I had thought to use as a weapon. He slashed it off in a matter of seconds, like it was nothing. He was getting ready to beat me... and then he was unexpectedly ambushed by my underwear."

"Your underwear?"

"Yes, he wasn't really expecting it, you see? He got rid of my panties in a matter of seconds, of course, but my bra was something unlike anything he had ever seen before and he didn't really know what to make of it. Can you imagine? There I was, almost completely naked, with my hands tied above my head, totally at his mercy and Turghan was trying to figure out how to get the damned thing off!"

I can't help but snort at the mental image. I guess that's not the way in which Turghan had been expecting things to go, in fact it doesn't even fit with my own expectations as to how the events had unfolded... and oddly enough that is something I find deeply disturbing.

I know Sam chose to share that particular memory deliberately, thinking it was one that wasn't really frightening, only that is not the way it's working out here. Sure, there's an element of humor I wasn't really expecting but at the same time that's what makes it so real, the fact that it is something that is so alien, so unexpected... something that doesn't fit well with my preconceived notions of what happened in that tent and that's what's making the whole incident suddenly seem so incredibly real.

Turghan had never seen a bra before.

That sounds so absurd, after all it is something we take for granted but in an alien world it is only natural that it would turn out to be something unexpected. For him it was 'natural' to tie Sam to the center pole of his tent with her hands above her head and then rip her dress off... in fact that's what the average cheesy movie here on earth would have shown before a dramatic fade to black, but the truth is that that scene makes no sense whatsoever and that is what Sam's almost humorous description brings home with absolute clarity.

Shaking my head I say, "I can imagine how that would have come as a surprise, but I assume that's not the part that's causing you trouble."

"No," she reluctantly admits but doesn't volunteer anything else.

"And what about those memories that do represent a problem?" I push.

"I don't know, I mean, that one is almost always there when I'm getting dressed, the others are more unpredictable and the truth is that that makes them a lot harder for me to control. I don't know what's going to trigger them and..." she trails off, shaking her head.

"Sam, have any of those caught you off guard while you are off-world?" I ask, knowing what her answer is likely to be.

"Once," she admits.

"When?"

"When we first encountered the touched."

"What happened?" I ask, knowing that it was one of the first missions after Simarka so I guess it is only natural that if there was going to be a problem it would pop up then... of course, if this is an ongoing thing then the end result may be that SG-1 will have to remain grounded for a little longer, though I don't think they would be particularly happy about that one.

"When we first got to that planet it was dark... and basically the first thing we stumbled on was a woman being raped. I wanted to stop it, to get in there and... but Daniel stopped me," she says, looking away.

"Daniel?" I exclaim, more than a little surprised. From what I've seen of him I would have assumed that he would have been right along side her in trying to prevent it.

"Yes, he said..."

"What did he say?" I ask, wanting some sort of explanation, something to help me make some sort of sense out of Daniel's alleged actions.

"He said that it was natural... acceptable," she says.

"WHAT!" I yell, not quite believing my ears.

"Okay, so he didn't use those words but..."

"What exactly did he say?" I ask.

"That that was how primitive men had sex, basically. That it was survival of the fittest in a world in which only the strongest males got to mate."

"And then what happened?"

"I was going to go in there anyway and then the colonel tried to stop me. I came this close to disobeying a direct order but then the untouched arrived and, well, you know what happened then."

"Oh, yes. Boy was that a first week in the job I'll never forget!"

"And the worst part is that it was a pretty normal week by the SGC's standards," she reminds me with a small smile.

"So that's the only time your memories have been a problem off world?" I ask, narrowing my eyes.

"For the most part," she says.

"In other words, 'not really'?" I challenge her.

"That's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?"

"I mean that while some memories have popped up while I'm off world, they've never really come close to interfering with my duties. Yes, I admit that dealing with Hanson was no picnic but to tell you the truth I don't know how much of that one had to do with Turghan and how much it had to do with Hanson himself."

"Didn't you say that you were over him long before Simarka?" I remind her.

"Yes, but the fact that I was on the team that got pegged with the responsibility of bringing him down was no picnic. It may have been all over between us a long time ago but our relationship was pretty serious at one point. Jonas was the man I was going to marry and the fact that I was over him doesn't mean I had amnesia. I could still remember the way things used to be, the good, the bad and the ugly... especially the ugly."

"That bad, uh?" I ask, wincing as I remember my own marriage.

"Actually I think the problem is that it wasn't all bad, I couldn't just shrug it off saying 'good riddance'. I knew almost from the moment we arrived that chances were we would be forced to kill him and that was hard but I had a job to do and I forced myself to do it... sort of."

"Sort of?"

"At one point I had a chance to take him out," she admits, "it would have been as simple as pulling the trigger but I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Okay, that I think is probably normal under the circumstances and I agree that that may well have had more to do with Hanson than with Turghan," I say, trying to reassure her. "So is that it as far as off world incidents are concerned?"

"Yes," says Sam, looking rather relieved and suddenly I find myself going into high alert mode and wondering just what it is that I am not seeing here.

"Are you sure?" I push.

"Yes!" she insists, a little too quickly for my liking, and even though I am almost tempted to believe her, I can't completely deny the nagging feeling in the back of my mind and then it hits me.

"And what about Hathor?" I ask, realizing that while Sam is probably telling the truth as far as off world incidents are concerned, well, not all incidents have taken place off world.

"Well, you know I wasn't particularly comfortable with what we had to do to get out of that cell," she admits.

"But that was another tough one, wasn't it?"

"It was hard but I did what had to be done, still..."

"I know, Sam, and you don't have to pretend that it wasn't. That's what I've been trying to get you to understand. It's okay for you to be struggling with these things, what's not okay is for you to keep trying to deal with this on your own and shutting everybody out."

"But what if...?" she trails off and I realize immediately what she isn't saying.

"I'm not going to change my mind. Yes, I understand how hard the whole incident with Hathor must have been from your perspective but as far as I'm concerned the bottom line is that you did what had to be done, even if it was anything but easy... and the same goes for the incident you mentioned when you first encountered the touched. Yes, your reaction to that one may have been exacerbated by what you had gone through with Turghan but the bottom line is that it was a natural reaction," I say before going on. "Let me ask you something, before Turghan, if you'd come upon a woman being raped, would you have turned your back on the incident or would you have tried to stop it, just like you did when you first encountered the touched?"