Through The Vortex
Bane's Desire
Part 20 - Adjusting

It took longer than we'd anticipated to get out of the hospital. Quatre handled the paper work that would release from the medical facility and, since we couldn't find another way to release the damn things, Sally went in search of a metal cutter to remove the corrective bands from my neck and ankles. Once the metal bands had been removed I felt both relieved and oddly bereft. Gone was the fear of receiving horrendous pain for doing something wrong, and so was the tangible reminder of the place that had been my home for several months. I had Sally put them into a plastic bag for me to take when I left the hospital.

My headache had finally faded by the time I exited the hospital doors two hours later, and after a silent ride in Quatre's sleek, silver sports car, we pulled into the private garage of his large home and remained inside the car while the garage door automatically closed behind us. After the morning's excitement of being pulled through the vortex and then my blow-up at Heero in the hospital, I felt both physically drained and depressed.

"Do you still love him?" Quatre's question startled me, but I knew the answer without a moment's hesitation. I glanced at him from out of the corner of my eye to see he was staring at the garage wall in front of us.

"Yeah. I think I'll always love Heero," I replied despondently. "What about you? Are you still in love with Trowa?"

A deep forlorn sigh came from my friend, now my benefactor. Quatre closed his eyes and leaned forward to rest his forehead against his hands, clenching the top of the steering wheel. "I've tried my best not to, but I can't help it. I can't seem to get over him, Duo. It literally hurts... here," he lowered one hand to clutch his shirt over the area of his heart. "Especially when I see him and know that he's no longer mine."

I could only nod my head because I was struggling with myself to not start bawling again. There was only so much humiliation I could take in one day. I decided to hold onto what little pride I had left by changing the subject completely. "I'm hungry. Got any food inside?"

We entered the stately home together and paused to take inventory of the interior. It was obvious that the house hadn't been lived in for a couple of months. Dust was thick on the sheeting that covered the furniture, tables and light fixtures. I looked to Quatre, questioningly. "Where have you been staying if not here?"

"Wufei told me Heero was going to try to retrieve you today. I flew into town last night from London and stayed at a hotel." He turned his head to me and smiled. "How could I not be here if there was the slightest chance that my best friend might be returned?"

I slung my arm around his shoulder and he immediately turned into me, embracing me so tightly that I wondered if he was reassuring himself that I was really there. When we finally separated, we exchanged weary grins, then Quatre returned his gaze his home, which he'd apparently left months ago. He sighed with resignation and said, "Looks like I need to do some housecleaning." He took my arm and lead me through the dusty rooms and into the kitchen. "You should stay in here until I tidy up the place. I don't think all the dust is very good for the babies."

After taking down one of the kitchen chairs from off the tabletop and setting it on the floor, he motioned for me to sit, then promptly disappeared back into the other room with a look of determination in his eyes. I ignored the chair in favor of taking a tour of the kitchen. To my stomach's dismay I found the refrigerator empty and the cupboards bare other than a few cans of vegetables, fruit and jars of sauces and odd things like marinated artichoke hearts. I wrinkled my nose and wondered what in the world someone would use those for? I chalked it up to rich people food, never having had it before.

My friend returned short time later with a laptop which he promptly set up on the kitchen table. After booting it up, he logged onto a local grocery/delivery site and told me to order whatever I thought we'd need for a couple of weeks. Big mistake. The saying, "Never go shopping hungry," is certainly as wise as any Chinese proverb I've ever heard.I blame my growling stomach for my ordering a ridiculous, almost obscene amount of sweet, salty and chocolately treats, all the tasty things I'd missed while I'd been away. I looked the list over and, as an afterthought, I also ordered some quick-fix packaged foods and cans of soup thinking that Quatre or I could use them to whip up an evening meal without too much fuss.

After an hour of dusting and vacuuming, Quatre reviewed my order and promptly placed a re-order, including meat, bread, vegetables, fruits, juice and dairy products. I grinned sheepishly at him as he gave me a slight scolding, telling me I had to eat better, if not for myself then for the two babies. He disappeared once again, leaving me to amuse myself with his laptop. I found a couple of games on it that looked promising, but before getting into them I logged onto a free email website, set up my old email address and sent a message to both Howard and Hilde, telling them that I'd returned. I had no idea what Heero or anyone else told them about my absence, but I knew they would have missed my monthly emails, sent habitually just to keep in touch. During the time I spent on the computer, the constant hum of the vacuum running was heard in the background. I found the familiar sound of everyday life on Earth comforting.

The food came three hours later and Quatre had to handle the massive order himself because I was lounging in his jacuzzi bathtub. As I soaped up the wash cloth, my thoughts went back to Erith and to Mueller's gentle hands as he bathed me daily. How strange, I thought, that I'd gotten used to someone taking care of me in such a personal way, especially since I've always been so independent. Thinking about Mueller, I found myself missing my caretaker even though it had only been that morning since I'd seen him. I was amused by the thought that for the first time in a very long while I was bathing by myself. Unbidden moisture filled my eyes as I mourned the absence of the man who had been my constant companion, guide and friend in a world that had been so foreign to me, knowing that I'd never see him again. It all seemed like some sort of strange dream to me now that I was back on Earth, an escape from all the problems and heartache I'd left behind months ago. Yet the rounded belly that I touched with a gentle sweep of my fingers was proof that Erith had been anything but a dream.

Easing myself against the back of the large bathtub, still smaller than the one in my cleansing room, I let my head rest against the top edge and slid down into a more comfortable position, with the warm water covering all of me but my face. I wondered where Heero was and what he was thinking. Even though the man had caused me unbelievable heartache I hadn't meant to blurt out the questions that had haunted me for months. I realized my condition and shifting emotional state was probably partially to blame, but I just couldn't get Heero's expression of shock out of my mind. I had to work a bit to convince myself that things were better this way. With Quatre's financial support and resources to help me, and his and Sally's pledge to keep my secret, I could have my children without involving anyone else. I couldn't imagine telling Heero that I was pregnant or that I'd slept not only with his double, but Trowa's as well. The ramifications of such a confession were more than I wanted to contemplate. It was better to keep this distance between us, I thought. Once the babies were delivered I could move somewhere else and begin again, possibly telling people I met that my wife had died during childbirth when answering their questions about where the children's mother was. Heero and my other friends would never have to know about my condition, my life as a Chosen nor of my Erithian lovers. Satisfied with that thought, I closed my eyes and slowly began to drift off into a comfortable doze in the warm bath water. I don't think it was too much later that the sound of a cell phone ringing startled me awake.

The water had cooled so I decided to get out of the tub. I rinsed out my hair, pulled the plug and listened to the sound of the water going down the drain while I toweled off. Wrapping my damp hair into a towel upon my head, I put on the larger robe Quatre had given to me and made my way down the stairs, following the sound of my friend's unhappy sounding voice.

"No, Wufei. I appreciate the fact that you want to help but Duo needs some time to rest and recover. Having Heero and Trowa meet with us this soon isn't a good idea. No, I don't think tomorrow is any better. Give me some time to get him settled and to see how he adjusts. You saw how emotional he was. He's upset and disorientated."

Quatre paused, probably listening to Wufei's further arguments.

"I understand," he said, and was obviously striving to be patient. "No." A sigh. "And I want you to see that the both of them stay away from us for the time being. Duo is the priority now. His needs supercede everyone and everything else." There was another long pause before the blond's voice softened. "I really do appreciate your help, Wufei. Yes, I'll tell Duo you called, and I'm sure once I've gotten him settled he'd like to see you, too."

Walking soundlessly into the kitchen with a towel-turbaned head and wearing the large bathrobe I believed had once belonged to Trowa, my eyes went immediately to Quatre. With his back to me, he held a cordless phone to his ear while he continued to work at putting the groceries away in the cabinets and refrigerator. He spun around, probably catching a glimpse of me as I sat at the table, and said a hasty goodbye to Wufei before hanging up and putting the phone down on the counter. He gave me a guilty smile and asked, "You heard?"

"Part of it." I shrugged. "Thanks. I'm really not up to repeating another scene like the one in the hospital this morning."

"I didn't think so." Joining me at the table he sat in the chair next to mine and turned to study me with an appraising eye. "Despite everything you've been through, you look great, Duo."

"Thanks," I muttered, feeling self conscious. "So, do you think we have enough food?"

The blond snorted and rolled his eyes. "I think between the both of us we managed to clean out the store." He nodded his head towards the bags behind him on the counter that looked to number about a dozen.

"Now that I think about it, all the time I was on Erith I never saw food come into Hilda's abode, nor did I see it prepared." Quatre moved to the table and sat down, waiting for me to tell him more. "The food on Erith was completely different than it is here," I told him, warming to the subject. "It consisted mostly of vegetables, if that's what you'd call it. There was nothing I recognized even though the textures seemed similar, as were the tastes of sweet, bitter and sour. But their spices were different, and everything tasted... wonderful." I couldn't help the pleasurable smile that rose at the memory of the food I'd eaten there. "Every morsel that was put into my mouth was like nothing I'd ever tasted before. Still, it'll be good to have familiar food again."

"So their food was better?" Quatre's eyes sparkled with curiosity.

"It was very good, but their drinks were out of this world, literally." I laughed at that. "I swear, Quatre, I've never tasted anything as perfect as their elixirs." I then went on to explain the light and fruity-sweet taste of the many drinks I'd sampled, and that I'd come to the conclusion that they were laced with drugs because each one seemed to have a purpose: relaxation, sleep, cleansing the palate, etc. Then I made the mistake of expounding on the virtues of one particular elixir. "One drink worked like an instant sexual stimulant." I laughed and felt my face heat up at the memory of my first encounter with the passion elixir, clearly not thinking about what I was saying. "I thought it was just a regular drink and downed the whole shot glass, not knowing you were supposed to take only a sip of it. The effects were immediate, and damn, Quat, I came more in that night than I ever thought was possible."

Quatre's eyes suddenly widened with shock and I realized that I'd said way too much. "Who'd you have sex with, Duo?" I hated the accusing tone in his voice. Even though I knew that question was bound to come up after I'd spouted out my last sentence, I was still at a loss as to how to explain my actions on Erith and not have my friend think the worst of me. I mentally scolded myself for my lack of discretion. I really had to get a handle on my mouth, a fact that was more important now that I was back home and with so many secrets to hide.

"Duo!" Quatre had been waiting patiently for my answer, but then his eyes narrowed and I knew he was trying to put two and two together. If he'd been informed that Heero and Trowa's doubles were Duwan's lovers, then he'd be figuring out two of my secrets any minute.

"You gotta understand that Erith was completely unlike Earth," I rushed to explain. "The whole structure of their society was so different from ours. I felt lost for the longest time and I honestly didn't think I'd ever see any of you again. Come on," I pleaded with him, hoping for his understanding. "You and I both know it's a damn miracle that Heero was able to get the failed Leavesley experiment duplicated and that his throwing Duwan into the vortex would bring me back. I was dropped into his strange world and had no choice but to fit into Duwan's place until I could figure out what the hell was going on. Believe me, it wasn't easy and most of the time I was so confused that I didn't understand what the was going on until it was too late.

"Duwan's world consisted of making and fulfilling contracts," I explained. "And as a Chosen, he had a binding contract with Mistra Hildah, his Chooser. Mueller, my caretaker, was the only person I confided in that I wasn't Duwan. He advised me to take my double's place completely and fulfill his contract so that I didn't end up having my color stripped from me, one of the worst punishments on Erith. I honestly thought I was just going to be a glorified sperm donor, Quat, and that didn't seem like an impossible thing to do . I didn't know about Duwan's personal life for a while or understand the true role of a Purple until the artificial uterus was already inside of me."

My blond friend nodded. He wore an intense and serious look on his face as he listened to me. Then his eyes widened as he finally put the facts together. "By the colonies, Duo, you had sex with Heero and Trowa's doubles, didn't you?"

I decided that maybe, like Heero, silence was my best answer.

"Duo!" A look of disapproval crossed my friend's usually agreeable face.

"It wasn't like that," I insisted. "You don't understand, Quat. I don't think anyone can. Heeron was Duwan's established lover, and after the passion elixir incident, we were hardly strangers. Everyone, even Mueller who knew my secret, treated me as if I was Duwan. I had virtually stepped into another person's life, just like the understudy of a play, and I was trapped in the role of being Duwan by Erith's society." I looked beseechingly to my friend. "It wasn't horrible being there, just strange and entirely foreign. I didn't know what else to do other than go with the flow.

Quatre's eyes never left my face. I knew he was waiting for me to tell him what he really wanted to know, the part that could end our friendship. Resigned, I had no choice but to tell him about my affair with his former lover's double. "I first met Trowa's double at a place that was similar to an art gallery Mueller took me to hours before I had the fertilized artificial uterus implanted. He seemed nice enough at first, kind of shy and pretty much like our Trowa. But something seemed off with him, and I didn't find out what it was until later. His name was Tradell, and he came with his Choosers to a party Hildah threw to celebrate the success of the implant, about three weeks after the artificial uterus had been put inside me. It was then that I discovered Tradell was also carrying a child. Man, Quat, you should have seen him. He was really big, nearing the end of the pregnancy."

I paused a moment to let my friend visualize not only the world I'd been describing, but also a pregnant Trowa. Quatre didn't say a word, but there was a perplexed expression on his face as ran his fingers through his hair, a sign that he was contemplating something seriously. I could only hope I was explaining myself well enough so that my best friend wouldn't write me off as a complete loser. When his eyes turned and met mine once again, I continued with my explanation.

"Both Tradell and Herron were in attendance at the party that night. Herron acted overly possessive because he was jealous of Tradell. I'd been trying carry on a conversation with Tradell, hoping to get some information out of him about being pregnant and what it was like. It was during that conversation that I learned that Duwan and Tradell were lovers. Shortly after that Herron waylaid me and we disappeared into my room for a short while for a..." I cleared my throat nervously, hoping Quatre wouldn't make me explain about the brief tryst in my room. I quickly went on with the story. "When we came back to the main room, it was obvious that Tradell had been hurt by my lack of attention towards him. There was a... scene. I learned the hard way that juggling two jealous lovers is anything but easy. I was ordered by Hildah to go to Kattron's abode that next day. Oh, that's your double by the way." I added hastily, then continued. "I was expected to make things right with his Chosen. When I went into his room, Tradell was so insecure about his appearance and by my, or rather, Duwan's lack of visits that I didn't have it in me to deny him, especially when he was so obviously in love with my counterpart."

"Trowa was pregnant and I was his Chooser?" Quatre said with a look of disbelief on his face.

"Tradell," I corrected him. "And he was Kattron and Dorothea's Chosen, carrying their child. Tradell was also in love with Kattron, and he loved him enough to contract with his choosers to bear them three progeny... I mean children," I quickly corrected myself. "From what I understood, bearing more than two offspring for a Chooser is a very rare occurrence."

"Dorothea?" Quatre voice actually squeaked as he drew the correct conclusion as to who she was. I couldn't help but laugh at the horrified expression on his face.

"Our Dorothy without the eyebrows," I snickered. "Pretty funny, isn't it?"

The look of horror slowly faded from my friend's face and the corners of his mouth began to twitch upward. I decided to give him a little more information. "And get this, Wufei's double was a nurse, or the equivalent of one, to none other than Sally's twin, though I didn't get to know him on a personal level."

Quatre's smile was both warm and genuine by that time, and I mentally sighed with relief that he didn't seem to hate me for sleeping with Heero and Trowa's doubles. "I think those two were meant to be together," he said. "Yin and Yang, and the baby is the glue that makes their union perfect."

"How is she?" I asked, thinking of Wufei's daughter and how she must have changed during the months I'd been gone.

"From the reports I've gotten from Wufei, Fei-Lyn is healthy, highly intelligent and absolutely perfect. He sent me some pictures and she looks just like a little China doll, so beautiful," Quatre answered wistfully. He and I both have always had a soft spot for children and have fussed excessively over and doted on the little girl we considered our niece.

Several moments passed in silence as I thought of my life on Erith, of children in general and that I now had two life-long souvenirs of my journey to that far away place growing in my belly.

"I don't know what to think about you having sex with two people who looked like Heero and Trowa. They did look like them, didn't they?" Quatre asked.

Damn, I thought we'd finished with that subject. "Yeah, they looked almost exactly like our guys," I answered. "But their faces were soft, carefree in appearance rather than lined with the evidence of our less than peaceful lives. They were also more... naive, sheltered and innocent, in all ways other than sexual." I grinned at that, then continued. "Their world was so... different from Earth, without the level of crime that we have here and where living up to one's contract was the most important goal in their lives. Erith was clean and orderly; even the air smelled sweet, free of the chemicals and fumes that pollute our world. It's a place that has figured out how to live in relative peace and everything was done with a purpose in mind. It was pretty weird how they managed it all, and there were some elements that I found unappealing." I was thinking about the Whites and how they were mistreated.

The blond's eyes lit up as inspiration struck. "I know what you should do," he said, suddenly excited. "You need to sit down in front of my computer and write down everything that happened to you from the day you were sucked into the vortex. Describe this parallel universe that you lived in for the past several months, its customs, food, norms and mores and all of your experiences before you forget some of the details and names."

"I don't know, Quat," I said, worried and uncertain. "What if someone gets a hold of it?"

"Then you tell them you have a vivid imagination. Besides," the blond continued. "Director Une will want a report from you because, technically, you were on a Preventer mission and missing for months. You can just edit out what you don't want her to know."

"I don't want anyone but you and Sally to know about my condition," I told him firmly. "After the babies are born, I'll find a new place to live. I haven't thought it all out yet, but I might just tell people we come into contact with that the twins' mother died during childbirth. That way we'll start fresh with no one delving into where the twins came from and then I'll raise them like normal children."

"Duo!" I was surprised by the look of shock on my friend's face. "You know lying only leads to more lies and they get harder to cover up once you begin telling them."

"Then you tell me what the hell I should do?" I asked, becoming upset. "I can't go around telling co-workers, neighbors, doctors, babysitters and schools that I'm the mother and the father of the two. That truth would draw just a bit too much attention, don't ya think?" I leaned my shoulders against the chair's back and placed my two hands over my stomach. "I won't have my children, two innocents, made a public curiosity."

"You could always say they were test-tube babies, like most of my family," Quatre suggested. "It's a bit closer to the truth than saying their mother died during childbirth. Believe me, that's a painful thing for a child to live with, knowing that their very existence killed their mother."

I gasped, suddenly realizing that my friend was speaking from his own experience. Only a few people knew that the last Winner child was plagued by feeling of guilt for his mother's demise at his birth. I reached over and placed my hand over my friend's hand, resting on the table. "I'm sorry, Quat. You're right, of course. I was only thinking about the easiest way to handle explaining the absence of a mother, not what they'd think when they had to live with that excuse." I offered him a weak smile of apology. "See, I need my best buddy to help me out with things like this. Not ever having any parents is like looking into the great unknown becoming one myself."

"And with not one baby, but two," Quatre added. It was clear that important fact still kind of freaked blondie out. Then a look of apology came to my friend's face. "I'm afraid I don't know much about taking care of babies or raising children either, Duo. My father was absent much of the time while I was growing up. I lived in a wealthy and privileged environment and was basically reared by nannies who were occasionally given respite by one of my older sisters. Don't get me wrong, I was well cared for, but it's not the way I would raise a child of my own."

"Have you ever wanted to be a parent?" I asked while absent-mindedly rubbing my hands over my swollen abdomen.

Quatre leaned back in his chair and gave the question a moment's thought. "I always thought I wanted to be a father, but not of a large family like the one I came from. A couple of children would have been nice, but it's kind of a moot point with my being gay, don't you think?"

"Not necessarily," I grinned. "You could do what they did on Erith, get a surrogate to carry a child for you. You could even do it anonymously through a lawyer, or find out your bi and get yourself a wife." I knew instantly that I'd said the wrong thing by the pained look in my friend's eyes. "Sorry," I said quickly.

Quatre waved off my apology. "No, forget it. It's ridiculous for me to want something I can't have."

"And what's that?" I asked, knowing that Quatre Winner could virtually buy anything in the world or colonies that he desired. "What do you really want, Quat?"

He sighed and his sad-looking eyes rose to meet mine. "I want what I had with Trowa before it all fell apart, before the deceptions, the lies by omission and the silence that followed my questions and accusations." Setting his elbows on the smooth and cool surface of the wood table, Quatre buried his head in his upraised hands and moaned miserably, "What am I going to do, Duo? I don't want anyone but Trowa."

Moving as quickly as I could out of my chair, I went to Quatre's side, bent over and wrapped my arms around him. "What a pair we are," I whispered into his pale blond hair and felt Quatre's arms rise to wrap around me in return, both of us seeking reassurance and maybe, for just a moment, a bit of physical comfort from another person.

"Maybe it's not too late," I told him when I finally pulled away to look down into his handsome but sad face. "Maybe you and Trowa just need to sit down and talk. Now that you've had some time apart, maybe you can do that without so much anger clouding the issues."

"I don't know, Duo," Quatre said, raking his fingers through his fine hair. "In all the time that has passed from the moment he walked out the door, he hasn't tried to contact me in any way."

"Have you tried contacting him?"

The blond shook his head from side to side. "It just hurts too much. With you gone, Heero being part of the problem and obsessed with getting you back and Wufei trying to be supportive to all of us, I didn't know what to do or who to talk to. I certainly couldn't go to my family. They'd have given me the 'I told you so' speech."

"Well I'm here now," I told him with a reassuring grin. "And somehow we'll muddle through this mess. But first, I really need some clothes. Your place is nice and all, Quat, but it's a bit drafty."

His blue eyes took in my slightly gaping robe, the hem of which came to a point just below my knees, and he grinned. "I see what you mean. Buying you clothing is now at the top of my list of things to do, but first..." He reached for the closed laptop and opened it up once again. I watched as he deleted some old programs and documents to free up some space, then he turned it back over to me. "Use this to write your story. If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to do the editing."

It was very late in the afternoon by the time Quatre left me to run to the nearest mall with the intention of purchasing some clothes for me. We'd jointly come to the conclusion that the regular maternity shops wouldn't carry anything that would suit my taste. In his absence, I sat in front of the computer and contemplated how to approach writing down my memories. After ten minutes had passed, I put my fingers on the keyboard and began my story, starting from the moment I walked into the hair salon across the street from the Preventer building on that fateful day.

TBC

Note: Thanks to all who reviewed, especially Keiichisel, who began at the beginning and reviewed along the way. I think that's the greatest number of reviews I've had since the story began. Also, a basket full of gratitude for my long-suffering proofreader.