Through the Vortex
Bane's Desire
Chapter 22
The Truth Comes Out

After the first few days following Heero's impromptu visit, life began to settle into a routine. Quatre stalled the requested visit by Trowa and Wufei, stating that I just wasn't up to it, which wasn't far from the truth. My poor friend had never seen me in such emotional turmoil. I went from tearful and upset to being a bit more optimistic and accepting of my life, only to turn around and become depressed all over again.

Heero kept his distance, not phoning or trying to contact us in any way. His actions were noticed by Wufei who called to speak to Quatre about it. Without breaking any confidences, blondie truthfully told him that Heero had shown up unexpectedly and that some of what I'd told Heero about my time on Erith upset him and that he'd stormed out of the house. Quatre urged Wufei to not push Heero, but to be understanding without prying. Wufei reported that Trowa had returned to Spain but that he'd be back in a month's time, hoping for a chance to see me then.

Sally was our only visitor, other than the grocery and various food delivery men. She'd brought the case I'd carried with me from Erith. Unfortunately, a good portion of the vials within it broke during the rough ride through the vortex and fall out of it, leaving me with only several weeks worth of medicine. Sally assured me that she'd find a hormone therapy that would be just as good. I gave myself the injections with the injector and so my pregnancy progressed normally, or at least we hoped it was. The good doctor checked my vitals, kept detailed notes, which she kept at the house, and gave me a weekly pep talk. She brought Wufei with her on her second visit, during which I sat in the corner of the living room sofa with a pillow over my middle while answering his questions. He wrote down a brief outline of our chat in order to give it to Director Une, who wanted to know what was going on and why I hadn't reported in. Quatre had repeatedly informed her that I wasn't up to visitors, and hoped that Wufei's visit and note taking would satisfy the head of the Preventers until my typed account was available for her to read. Wufei left us that day expressing his relief at my return and with my word that I was feeling better. It didn't dawn on me until later that during our conversation he hadn't brought up Heero's name. I wondered how much Heero had told him.

Quatre worked both at home and at the local Winner Inc. offices downtown. I spent most of my days typing on the computer, taking an occasional break to email my distant friends and to play a game or two on the computer. A month passed by surprisingly fast and my stomach grew just as quickly, almost doubling in size. With a nice half ball sticking out where my abdomen had once been flat, I had begun to waddle slightly as I made my way around the house and feeling somewhat accomplished that I was only falling apart emotionally every other day.

Quatre spent an hour in the evenings proofreading what I'd written that day. After reading the part regarding my visit to the Corrective Center, he immediately sought me out in my room and with comically wide eyes looked me over. With my permission, he ran his hands over my smooth jaw and took in my completely unscarred and unblemished skin with an expression of awe on his face. Knowing his talent for observation, I was surprised that he hadn't noticed the changes before then. I guess my being and looking pregnant kind of took his mind off of the other changes in my appearance. The look on his face was priceless when I pulled up my sleeves and pant legs to show him my smooth, hairless limbs. It was the first good laugh that I'd had since Heero had stormed out the front door after his surprise visit.

"If only you knew how they did that, you'd be rich, Duo," my friend said as his hand felt my smooth arm, looking for any trace of hair at all. I told him there were countless things that I saw and experienced on Erith that could make me not only rich if I could invent them, but I'd no doubt be considered genius of the century. The rest of the evening was spent with me telling him of the many conveniences the Erithians had that we didn't.

Trowa called a little over a month after Wufei's visit to request a time convenient for us that he could drop by. Quatre and I were faced with a slight problem. At a little over four and a half months pregnant with twins and with only two and a half more to go, my stomach was more than a little noticeable. There was no way I could pass it off as being a little overweight. We decided to try and hide my condition like I had when Wufei visited. I just hoped I wouldn't have to get up and move while Trowa was in the room.

Seven thirty that evening brought the ring of the doorbell. Quatre, who had been agitated since his former lover's call, answered it formally, politely inviting Trowa into the home that used to be his. It was obviously an awkward moment for the both of them, one that I couldn't help but observe from my place in the living room. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about facing the man who not only had some mysterious secret he shared with Heero alone, but was the spitting image of Tradell, whom I'd come to know quite intimately.

"How have you been, Trowa?" Quatre asked. "How's Spain?"

"Well enough on both counts," the auburn haired man replied with a slight smile. "How are you?"

"I'm all right," the nervous blond answered. Then the two former lover's locked eyes, and even from a distance I could see the naked yearning they had for each other. After several long moments, I cleared my throat, which seemed to catch Quatre's attention.

"Um... let me take your jacket," Quatre said while motioning for Trowa to remove his olive green, bomber-style jacket. The taller man complied, and held his jacket out to Quatre who took and laid it on the back of a nearby chair. He then led Trowa to the living room and me, wedged in the left corner of the living room sofa, clutching a large pillow over my stomach along with a blanket that covered my legs. Unfortunately my simple attempt at camouflage gave me the appearance of being sickly.

Trowa walked around the sofa and came to a stop directly in front of me. I looked up to see him smiling at me, his eyes studying my face. From his gentle smile, usually given to Quatre, I could tell that Trowa was truly glad to see me. But looking into his eyes and smile, soft with... affection, it was like looking into Tradell's face all over again. "Hello, Duo. How are you?"

I suddenly felt unsure of myself and knew by the heat on my face that I was blushing. I chalked it up to my momentary reminder of Tradell and worrying about what Trowa's reaction was going to be when he learned about my relationship with his double. "I'm okay," I answered, lowering my eyes. "Have a seat."

He moved towards the wing-back chair closest to me, but even as he went I could feel his gaze lingering on me. "If you're 'okay', then why are you looking like an invalid?"

I shrugged, knowing he was referring to my position on the sofa and the blanket draped over me. "I'm still recovering from the vortex and get chilled quite often." It was a stone's throw from the truth, but the house was drafty because of its large size and I honestly did get chilled at times.

"Does anyone want anything from the kitchen, a drink perhaps?" Quatre offered, still standing at the far end of the sofa.

"A beer would be good," the auburn haired man answered, turning his gaze back to the blond.

"Duo?" Quatre even sounded nervous.

"Something sweet and carbonated," I answered.

Without another word Quatre left me with Trowa for company. Those intense green and discerning eyes turned back to me again. "You've gained some weight," he stated abruptly.

"Yeah, well, Quat's a so-so cook but he sure knows how to do takeout right. I'm afraid he's been pampering me." I couldn't exactly tell him that the hormones Sally prescribed - which she'd determined from testing were as close as she could get to the ones I brought from Erith - seemed to have an adverse side affect of rapid weight gain, mostly in my face.

"But you're well otherwise?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Trowa glanced back at the doorway, probably to make sure Quatre wasn't there. Seeing the coast was clear, he leaned forward in his chair and said, "I've spoken with Heero and he told me about his visit with you."

Nervously, I pulled the pillow closer to my chest and closely studied the fringed edge. "I'm sorry, Tro. There's not much I can say in my defense."

"Have you ever harbored any romantic feeling for me?"

"No!" I answered adamantly, looking up again. "To me you've always been Quatre's, even when I ..." I stopped cold, not feeling comfortable enough to speak to him about Tradell. "What happened between you guys?" I asked. "You and Quatre seemed to love each other so much, but then you started sneaking out. If it wasn't an affair with Heero, then what was it that was so important that you'd risk your relationship with Quatre over it? You can't blame him for having been suspicious. His suspicions were all he had to go on since you wouldn't talk to him."

A look of remorse flashed in the green eyes of handsome man sitting across from me. "I'm sorry, Duo. I had a ...a problem to deal with, a serious one, and I asked Heero for his help." I watched as Trowa nervously combed his fingers through his hair. It was obviously difficult for him to speak about his "problem", but evidently he was trying to do the right thing. I waited patiently while he gathered his nerve before continuing, which he did a few moments later. "I was embarrassed and humiliated confessing my problem to him, and I only did so after swearing him to secrecy. That's the only reason he didn't say anything to you, Duo, and why he tried to cover his tracks. I had no idea you and Quatre would suspect us of having an affair. Hindsight is 20/20 though, isn't it?

"Why didn't you tell Quatre?"

Trowa took in a deep breath before answering. "As I said, I was embarrassed and I didn't want him to be ashamed of me. Then after he began to demand that I tell him where I was going and what I was doing, I got angry. He clearly didn't trust or have faith in me."

"Will you tell me now?" a quiet voice asked from behind me. Trowa and I both turned to see Quatre standing in the doorway to the living room, carrying a tray bearing three tall glasses filled with ice and a couple of cans. His eyes implored his former lover to give him the answers to the questions that had plagued him for the past half year.

Trowa hung his head as Quatre came forward and set the tray on the table. The blond moved stiffly as he poured my soda into the tall glass before handing it to me. He did the same with the can of beer, but let the foam settle before he held the glass out to Trowa. Their fingers touched at the handoff and the two former lovers paused, their eyes locking on each other. "All right," Trowa whispered. Unable to look away from the blond, Trowa watched Quatre sit next to my feet on the sofa. Before sitting back, he calmly poured himself his favorite grapefruit soda and took a long drink while he waited for Trowa to begin.

After fortifying himself with a couple of large swallows of beer, Trowa set his glass down. "You remember the injuries I sustained last year when I fell off the trapeze?"

"How could I forget," Quatre answered quietly, his eyes looking haunted by the memory. It was a day none of us would forget and it had begun with a phone call from Cathy, crying hysterically over the phone from a hospital in Amsterdam. It took a while to understand her, but Quatre figured out that his lover had fallen during his trapeze act and had been rushed to the hospital. He'd called the rest of us and we all flew to Amsterdam with him, not knowing if Trowa was dead or alive.

"The injuries to my leg and back and subsequent surgeries required me to be on very strong pain medication for quite a while. The therapy seemed too slow, as was my recovery. I was hurting and frustrated by my lack of progress and started to take the pills more frequently than prescribed to help speed up my therapy." With his eyes lowered, Trowa continued to confess what I was just beginning to suspect. "I became addicted to them. The doctor became suspicious after I returned to his office for a refill sooner than I should have. He wrote me a prescription for ten tablets that time, but then cut me off when I went back for more. Instead of a prescription, he gave me a referral to a counseling service for addicts. I was insulted by his accusation, insisting that I wasn't addicted." Trowa's voice lowered until it was barely a whisper. "I was in denial and ignored his advice. But the day after I ran out of the pills, I felt horrible, the pain in my back was still there and not only did I feel wretched, but I also had the shakes. With every hour the withdrawal symptoms got worse. I could hardly function, and the agony of withdrawal by far exceeded that of my injuries. I felt I had no choice but to buy drugs off the street until I could think of a way to get off of them completely."

Looking up with anguished eyes, he met Quatre's unwavering gaze and silently plead for understanding and forgiveness. "I'm sorry, Quatre. I tried to hide it from you, knowing you'd be disappointed in me. I was ashamed of myself, for my lack of control. I didn't want you to despise me for what I'd become." He lowered his head into his upraised hands, looking miserable. "It wasn't until a drug dealer propositioned me, offering me drugs in exchange for having sex with him, that I realized I was in big trouble, that I needed help. I called Heero and asked for both his help and silence, knowing he'd give me both. He took me to a day re-hab clinic and attended meetings for recovering addicts with me on Tuesday and Thursday nights."

I gasped, knowing I had thought the worst of my lover and that it had been completely unfounded. He was merely being a good friend to Trowa and I had accused him of cheating. No wonder he'd turned his back on me, especially after I'd accused him of the very same thing I was guilty of. I felt ill, sick to my stomach and at heart.

"I'm sorry, Duo." Trowa turned his attention to me. "I've talked briefly to Heero and he told me of your suspicions. It was all my fault. I made Heero swear not to tell a soul because I didn't want Quatre to find out just how low I'd sunk and how unworthy of him I'd become."

I turned my eyes to Quatre to see how he was taking this. His blue eyes reflected his own hurt and sorrow after listening to his former lover's confession. "Did you really think so little of me, Trowa?" he asked, his voice quivering slightly as he fought to stay composed. "Or is it that you just didn't trust me?"

Trowa blinked, obviously surprised by Quatre's reaction. "You're everything to me, Quatre. I just didn't want you to despise me as much as I despised myself for what I'd become. Dammit, Love, I was a drug addict!"

"And is that any worse than letting me believe that you were having an affair with Heero?" The blond's pent-up frustration and anger, held in check for all the months I'd been gone, suddenly rose to the surface, his voice rising to match it.

"I didn't know that's what you were thinking until the day I left, and then I was too shocked to answer."

I suddenly didn't want to be in the room anymore. This was way too personal, but I wasn't able to get up and leave. If I did, then Trowa would undoubtedly see my stomach and then more questions would have to be answered. I was stuck.

Trowa continued. "I just couldn't bring myself to tell you of my addiction. And after hurling your accusations at me, my silence seemed to be the lesser lie. I didn't know what else to do, so I left. I don't know," he said, both looking and sounding anguished while repeatedly running his long fingers through his reddish-brown hair. "All I can say is that I didn't know how to handle my continuing recovery, your accusations, Duo's strange disappearance, Heero's theories about him being switched in the vortex with the person in his apartment who looked just like Duo and then his obsession with getting Duo back. Leaving seemed like the best way to deal with the entire situation."

"And that solved everything, didn't it?" Quatre snapped, anger sparking from his pale blue eyes. "Things were all rosy and fine because you ran away to the circus!" It was hard to tell by his twisted facial expression if Quatre was about to physically attack his former lover or burst into tears.

Trowa seemed to deflate in on himself as Quatre's justified anger rose. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Of course it didn't solve anything, but I just wasn't capable of handling all of that plus resisting the physical pull of my body for the drugs I was trying so hard to stay away from. The short time I stayed with Heero was stressful enough to help me make the decision to return to the circus. He was beside himself dealing with Duo's manic double, whose strange and totally inept behavior proved to me that Heero's theory was plausible. He might have looked like you, Duo, but his actions were completely opposite yours. How he ever managed two lovers in his own world is beyond me," he added.

"He was scared," I interjected, feeling someone should day a word in defense for my counterpart. "No doubt he reacted the only way he knew how." Both pairs of eyes turned to me and the war between the two former lovers seemed to take a momentary truce. "Duwan was raised in a sheltered environment and for one purpose in life, to be Chosen. A Chosen has one responsibility, everything else is done for him and he's taken care of to the extent that he's bathed, fed, and led around by the hand by a caretaker. I can only imagine his confusion after being dropped into my life where he was expected to be independent, strong and self-sufficient. No doubt he was scared to death by everything being unfamiliar and reacted badly to everyone looking like people he knew and yet were strange to him."

"Did you adjust to living Duwan's world, Duo?" Trowa asked, curiosity written on his face. I could only imagine he was grateful for the brief respite from the argument he and Quatre had been having moments before.

I shrugged and with a weary sigh answered, "Let's just say that I got wise to it very quickly, though I really didn't understand much. I found myself having to play a certain roll in their society, which didn't make much sense to me even after I'd been there for awhile. But somehow, with its castes, collars, elixirs and corrections centers, Erith's ways worked. What I experienced there, the good and the bad, will stay with me for the rest of my life."

Trowa looked from me to Quatre, both sharing a worried glance when he asked, "Will you tell me about your life there and what happened to you, Duo?"

I looked down at the pillow being mangled in my grasp as I answered. "I'm writing it all down, Tro. When I'm done, I'll give you guys a somewhat edited version. I wasn't mistreated or anything, except the one time I was punished with the collar, but I missed home and you guys. Even though I met your counterparts, they still weren't you, just substitutes. I honestly didn't believe I'd ever get back here," I told him, then shrugged. "For a short while I held onto the faint thread of hope that if Heero did care for me, and if he put his mind to it, he might find a way to bring me back. But as time went on, that idea seemed unreasonable."

I had to stop speaking for a moment because of the huge lump of regret forming in my throat. I thought for a moment about Erith, Mueller, Herron and Tradell and of the peaceful, protected life I'd had there and how I'd gotten so totally sucked into Duwan's life, betraying Heero. The end result of that betrayal was losing the person who was my everything. Yet no matter what my regrets were, if I had to do it all over again, I honestly don't know how I could have done anything differently. Suddenly, I wanted more than anything to get up and go to my room, to grieve again for my losses in private, but I couldn't. My only option at the moment was to bury my face in my hands and firmly tell myself to get a grip. I definitely didn't want to break down in front of the other two men watching me.

Surprisingly, it wasn't Quatre who sought to comfort me, but Trowa. His arm encircled my shoulders as he knelt at my side. His voice was soft and soothing in my ear as he spoke to me. "Just give him time, Duo. You know more than anyone that Heero doesn't always show his feeling and talks even less about them, but he's devoted to you. He always has been. I think he just needs some time in order to come to terms with what's happened. I'll talk to him, all right? Try to make him see that you were just doing your best to survive."

Leaning into the comfort of Trowa's half embrace, I whispered back to my friend, "Thanks, Tro, but I think it's hopeless. I suspected him of cheating on me, and then it turns out I'm the cheater."

"Don't give up just yet," Trowa advised. "If Quatre and I put our heads together, I'm sure we'll come up with something."

I looked up with what I'm sure was a pitiful expression. "I'll feel better if you two would talk to each other and work things out. Don't drift too far apart and do something that might make it impossible for you to be together again." I was, of course, speaking from personal experience.

Trowa looked over to Quatre, a question in his eyes. Quatre returned his gaze and answered, "We can talk. I can't promise anything, but I really don't want this to be the end of us, Trowa. I... I do love you, but I need to trust you. I want you to promise me that there won't be any more secrets, no more deceptions between us. If you have a problem, we should work on it together. At least give me the chance to be supportive."

For his part, Trowa gave a solemn nod. "No more deceptions," he agreed.

Once again I felt like I was intruding on a private moment. Unfortunately, I still couldn't leave the room. "Um, Quat?" Though hesitant, I interrupted the staring fest going on between the other two and waited until both men turned their eyes to me. "Could you and Trowa get me some ice cream? I'm craving it all of a sudden."

"Ah... sure," my friend answered, looking confused by my sudden request at such a moment. "What kind would you like?"

"Any kind will do, just put some chocolate fudge sauce on it. Could you bring it to my room? I think I'm going to lie down. You don't mind, do you, Trowa?"

To his credit, the taller man looked torn. "I did want to visit with you, Duo, and learn more about your experiences. But I can come another time when you're more up to it. Do you need help getting to your room?" The look of concern on his face wasn't what I had been going for.

"No, I just have a bit of a headache, kind of a residual affect from the concussion. I'm fine, really, and you know what they say about three being a crowd. Why don't you go with Quat and get us some ice cream, then stay and talk for a while."

Trowa still seemed hesitant, so I shifted my attention to Quatre, hoping for help and giving him a knowing look. Getting the idea, my blond friend stood and Trowa followed.

"Well, if you're sure?" Trowa said, still wavering.

"Go," I said, waving them off. They both slowly withdrew from the room with only one look back. As soon as they were gone, I threw the pillow across the sofa, tossed off the blanket and made a hasty retreat up the stairs to my room, shutting the door behind me. By the time Quatre came up with a bowl of fudge ripple ice cream I was sitting in bed, under the covers and dressed in my over-sized pajamas. I reached out and took the full bowl from him.

"Trowa's concerned about your health, Duo. I'm not sure what I should tell him."

"Well, after telling him there would be no more deceptions between the two of you, I guess you'll have to tell him the truth."

"Really?" He looked alarmed.

"Yeah. Just tell him that my travels through the vortex have had some side effects, and that I'm still recovering. It's the truth, so even if you don't tell him I'm pregnant, you won't really be lying." I grabbed my friend's hand and held it as I spoke earnestly to him. "This is your chance, Quatre. Go, talk to him and don't blow it."

"Thanks, Duo," Quatre said as he leaned down to embrace me. "I'll see you in the morning."

"I want a full report," I called out as he walked towards the door. A dazzling smile was sent my way a moment before he disappeared out my bedroom door.

The cold dessert was gone in less than two minutes. I set the bowl down, picked up the laptop, and turned it on. I was ready to type up my encounter with Herron and the passion elixir.

Tbc