I own none of these characters.
On a thread at MusicalFans, The Phantom of the Opera, somebody started the thread "Ways For Joel Schumacher To Sex Up The Phantom..." (thank you, Richard! We've had a field day with the thread!) and eventually other members (myself included) decided to rewrite the scipt in a highly sexed-up manner! At certain sections, I will have (Thank you ...), referring to who wrote that piece.
Warning: There is some graphic material in here (graphic sex; drug references; bisexuality/homoerotica; overtones of incest; etc); not intended for the young viewers. If your are offended by such material or if you are faint-of-heart, then do not read this.
Le Fantôme de l'Opéra Érotique
1919, Paris, France)
AUCTIONEER: Sold. Your number, cutie? Thank you. Lot 67, a polished wooden dildo, two anal love beads... ew... and three of the veils from Salome, a production by Strauss. Do I hear ten? No, five then? Five, thank you sir. Six? And you sir seven? Seven against you sir. Seven going once, twice, sold. And now, lot 68, ho hotties and stud hotties: a papier-maché musical box, with a rather large...fine-looking "organ". Attached to it, the figure of a monkey in Persian robes, playing with it. This item, discovered in the vaults of the theatre, still in working order.
PORTER: Showing here. (the monkey automatically strokes its "organ" in tune with the music. The porter gets a bit distracted by it.)
AUCTIONEER: May I start at twenty francs? Fifteen, then? Fifteen I am
bid. Twenty sir, thank you. Twenty. Twenty-five, thank you madame.
Thirty, and do I hear thirty-five madame?
(Madame Giry shakes her head)Selling at thiry then, thirty once, twice.
Sold, for thirty francs to the Vicomte de Chagny. Thank you, sir.
RAOUL: (sung in head) A collector's piece indeed... every detail exactly as she said... She often spoke of you, my friend... your velvet lining and your figurine of wood... Will you still play, when all the rest of us feel good...?
AUCTIONEER: Lot 69, then: a statue of two men intwined with each other, face-to-groin. Some of you may recall the strange affair of Le Fantôme de l'Opéra Érotique, a mystery never fully explained. We are told, ladies and gentlemen, that this is the very statue which figures in the famous... um, occurrence. Our workshops have polished, cleaned and restored it, so that we may get a hint of what it might have stirred up in its former glory. Perhaps we may entice the ghost of so many years ago with a little stripping, gentlemen?
(The cover comes off the statue and it glistens. The overture music starts. Another statue, a large, golden phallic shape, is raised up onto a pedestal nearby, going quickly from horizontal to vertical.As the 69 statue is raised onto a pedestal, the opera house becomes restored and we go back in time to the year 1870.)
SCENE 1
REHERSALS FOR 'HANNIBAL' BY CHALUMEAU
Carlotta (Elissa): (Holding a large dildo, she is dressed in a red and
gold bustier, and an intricately embroidered red miniskirt, a pair of
fishnet stockings adorn her legs and her feet are shod in open-toed,
extra-high heels, looking as tawdry as any harlot)
This trophy from our saviours,
from our saviours,
from the enticing flesh of Rome-!
Chorus: (The women wear two-piece costumes, consisting of ornate brassiere and loincloth-skirt, the legs clad in either sheer stockings or fishnets. The men wear short, skintight trousers and helmets with large phallic figures on them)
With fucking and snogging and song,
Tonight in celebration,
We greet the men wearing just thongs,
Returned to bring elation
The orgies of Carthage resound,
Hear, Romans, now and tremble,
Hark our euphoric sound,
Hear the drums!
Hannibal cums!
Piangi (HANNIBAL): (His "mini Piangi" hanging out of his backless,
crotchless garter belt, Piangi is dressed in a Chippendale collar and
bow-tie, stockings, heels, but not much else)
Pleased to return
to find our harem land
enticed once more by Roma's hot,
groping hands.
Monsieur Reyer:
Gentlemen, gentlemen--
Monsieur Lefevre:
Rehearsals, as you can see, are underway for a new production on Chalumeau's Hannibal
Monsieur Reyer:
Monsieur Lefevre, I'm enjoying my-! (realizes what he's saying and catches himself) We're rehearsing!
Monsieur Lefevre:
Monsieur Reyer, Madam Giry…
… Ladies and gentlemen, please, if I could have your attention?
(Flashes them, and immediately has their attention) Thank you. As you
know, for some weeks there have been rumors of my imminent retirement.
I can now tell you that these are all true…
Carlotta: (interrupting)
ah-Ha!
Continuing: and it is my pleasure to introduce you to the two gentlemen
who are the new pimps of l'Opera de l'Érotique: Monsieur Richard Firmin
and Monsieur Gilles Andre.
(Applause as Firmin and Andre wave coyly, yet suggestively, to the crew
of l'Opera de l'Érotique. Firmin is a tall, strapping middle-aged
man with salt-and-pepper hair, dressed in a gaudy but passable green
suit and wide-brimmed hat. Andre is smaller, his hair long, wavy, and
grey, but he has a seductive look in his eyes. His stocky body is
adorned with a wine-colored suit and gold chains)
Monsieur Firmin:
And we are deeply horny and introducing our new patron,
Monsieur Andre:
The Vicomte de Chagny
Christine:(to Meg, gawking at Raoul and clearly aroused)
Before my father died of syphilis, in the brothel by the sea... I guess
you could say we were childhood fuck-buddies. He called me Lovely
La-Las...
Meg:
Christine, he's a hottie... but I've seen better.
Vicomte/Raoul:
My parents and I are honored to attend all the goods, especially our world-renowned l'Opera de l'Érotique.
Monsieur Lefevre:
Vicomte, gentlemen, Signora Carlotta Giudicelli, our most popular call-girl for five seasons.
Madams/Piangi: (cheering)
Brava! Brava!
Monsieur Lefevre: (After Piangi makes his presence known)
Signor Ubaldo Piangi, our best gigolo.
Vicomte/Raoul:
An honor signor. I believe I am keeping you from your rehearsal. I will
be here this evening to share your great triumph. My apologies.
Monsieur Reyer:
Thank you, Monsieur le Vicomte!
Once more if you please, signor
Madam Giry:
We take particular pride in the excellence of our ballet, monsieur
(the dancers take hold of the ropes and poles that descend from the flies and dance like Britney Spears)
Monsieur Andre:
I see why.
Especially that little blond hottie...! (Firmin glares at him jealously)
(Andre is really looking at one of the male dancers, but Madam Giry misinterprets the reference, thinking that he was looking at Meg)
Madam Giry:
My daughter, Meg Giry, so hands off, you pig!
Monsieur Andre:
(starts to say that it wasn't Meg that he liked, but lets it go)
Monsieur Firmin:
And that exceptional beauty (Gesturing to Christine. Now it's Andre's turn to look at Firmin jealously)
No relation, I trust?
Madam Giry:
Christine Daae
Promising talent, Monsieur Firmin
Very promising
Monsieur Andre:
Daae, did you say? (Lost in thought for a moment)
No relation to the Famous Swedish Porn Star?
Madam Giry:
His twenty-seventh child
Orphaned at 7 when she came to live and train in the child porn ring de l'Opera de l'Érotique.
Monsieur Firmin:
An orphan, you say?
Madam Giry:
I think of her as my daughter as well, so stay away from her!
(singing)
Chorus:
Hannibal's Friends!
(The elephant for Hannibal is wheeled out, and Piangi eagerly climbs onto the back, feeling a bit rambunctious)
The roaring of orgies shall sound!
Hear, Romans, now and tremble
Hark to the rumbling ground
Bang the drums!
(Carlotta sees that the attention of the new managers is not on her and, with steely resolve, hurls her climax at the managers)
Hannibal cums!
(all spoken)
Carlotta:
All day!
All they want is the dancing!
Monsieur Lefevre:
Well, the Vicomte is very excited about tonight's gala
Carlotta:
I hope he is as excited about dancing girls as your new managers (Andre
and Firmin exchange a look that says "Thanks, but no thanks")
Because I will not be fucking!
Monsieur Andre:
What do we do?
Monsieur Lefevre:
Grovel
Grovel, grovel
Monsieur Firmin:
Right
Monsieur Andre: (Through slightly gritted teeth)
Principessa Bella Diva!
Carlotta: (Still annoyed, but pleased somewhat)
Si! Si!
Monsieur Firmin: (His teeth gritted somewhat also)
Goddess of Thongs!
Monsieur Andre:
Monsieur Reyer, isn't there a rather marvelous sex scene for Elissa in Act. 3 of Hannibal?
Monsieur Firmin:
Perhaps la signora--
Carlotta:
Yes, yes, ma no! Because I have a costume for act three because SOMEBODY FINISHED IT!
(She directs her glare at several madams, a hustler, and a pimp, who shudder)
And I have no rubber!
Monsieur Andre:
I was wondering if you would pleasure us with a private... er, public and private rendition of the sex song-.
Carlotta:
No, I feel better! Ah! Yes, if my managers command. Monsieur Reyer?
Monsieur Reyer:
If my call-girl commands
Carlotta:
Yes, I do!
Carlotta:
Fondle me
Fondle me gently
When we go to bed...
(a backdrop falls and knocks Carlotta over, causing her to fall right out of her "dress" and pinning her to the stage.)
Cast/crew: (Screams)Oh fuck, Signora!
Carlotta:(screams)
I hate you!
Lift it up!
Piangi: You idiots! (To Carlotta) Cara, Cara, are you all right!
Meg:(Spoken)
He's here! The Stud Man of the Opera!
Lefevre:(Spoken)
Signora, are you alright? Buquet, for God's sake, sweetbuns, what's going on up there?
Buquet: (Spoken)(Buquet is a scruffy but attractive man in his early thirties)
Please monsieur don't look at me. As God's my judge, I wasn't at my
usual post, I was riding another one. Please monsieur, there's no one
there. Or if there is, well then... it must be a ghost.
Andre:(Spoken)
Signora, these things do happen.
Carlotta:(Spoken to Monsieur Leferve)
For the past three years, "these things do happen." And did you stop
them from happening? No! (To Andre and Firmin) And you two! You are as
bad as him! "These things do happen." Ma-! UGH! Until you stop these
things from happening, (pointing to her breasts and her groin) this
thing does not happen! Ubaldo! Andiamo! Bring your dickie for my boxie!
Piangi:(Spoken)
Amateur flits! (Andre bitchslaps him. Piangi glares at them, then trounces off)
Carlotta: (Spoken)
Now you see, bye bye, I'm really leaving!
Lefevre:(Spoken)
Gentlemen, good luck. If you need me, I shall be down under (winking at them).
Andre: (Spoken)
Signora, Giudicelli, she will be cming back here won't she?
Madam Giry:(Spoken)
You think so monsieur? I have a message sir, from the opera ghost.
Firmin:(Spoken)
Oh, God in heaven, you're all obsessed.
Madam Giry:(Spoken)
He welcomes you to his opera brothel
Firmin:(Spoken)
"His" opera brothel?
Madame Giry:(Spoken)
And commands that you continue to leave a certain box (pointing with
her cane to Christine) empty for his use and reminds you that his
salary is due.
Firmin:(Spoken)
His Salary?
Madam Giry:(Spoken)
Monsieur Lefevre used to give him 20,000 francs a month.
Firmin:(Spoken)
20,000 francs!
Madam Giry:(Spoken)
Perhaps you can afford more with the Vicomte as your client?
Firmin:(Spoken)
Madame, I had hoped to make that announcement pubic- ergh, PUBLIC
tonight when the Vicomte was to join us for the gala! But
obviously,(rips the note in two)we shall now have to cancel as it
appears we have lost our star!
Andre: (Spoken)
(to Firmin) Richard, darling, don't do that, you're making me randy! (to everyone else) Surely there must be an understudy.
Reyer: (Spoken)
Understudy?
Of course there's understudies for La Carlotta! Besides, she has STIs!
Madam Giry:(Spoken)
Christine Daae could perform, Sir.
Andre:(Spoken)
What, she's not a call-girl, is she?
Madam Giry:(Spoken)
Let her perform for you. She has been taught by a great teacher.
Andre:(Spoken)
Who?
Christine:(Spoken)
I don't know his name monsieur.
Madam Giry: (Spoken)
Let her perform for you monsieurs. She has been well taught.
Andre: (Spoken)
All right.
Come on now.
Don't be shy.
Just...
Just...
Reyer: (Spoken)
From the beginning then, please madamoiselle.
Firmin:(Spoken)
Andre, this is doing nothing for my nerves.
Andre:(Spoken, to Firmin)
Well, she's pretty... but you're prettier...!
CHRISTINE:Fondle me
Fondle me gentle
When we go to bed
Remember that
I'm still a virgin
When you lick the head
When we find that we're about to go
Where we have never gone before
Don't be shy but please be gentle
Fondle me some more!
(The stage is transformed to the gala, where Christine is dressed in a sheer white teddy)
I never said that what you do is wrong
In fact I hope you'll never stop
But be gentle as your hands creep
Underneath my top!
And you'll know when I begin to moan
I'm starting to get wet down there below...
Fondle me
For whatever reason
Seems to strike you true
Believe me, dear
If you desire it
I'll fondle you too
Forget those days when all was still so chaste
And when our "courtship" was polite
Once my hormones begin raging
We'll make love all night!
ERIK:
Can this be? Can this be Christine?
Hooray!
I don't know where her fiancé's gone
And I can't say I really care
Come here just a little faster
Yes! That's it – right there!
CHRISTINE:
I never thought that I could get so hot
From having you between my legs
But to keep the passion going
Why not invite ... (cadenza of orgasmic screams)
Meg?
(Thank you to Abigail Proctor)
Ange de l'Érotique
MEG:
Who in the world
have you been fucking?
Really he sounds perfect!
I only wish I new your secret!
Who felt your great hooters?
CHRISTINE:
Father once spoke of an angel
I used to dream he'd appear
Now as I screw, I can sense him
And I know he's here
Here in this room,
he feels me right up-!
he goes inside, hiding...!
Somehow I know
he'll always bang me
he - the well-hung genius
MEG:
Christine, you must have been dreaming, stories like this can't come true-!
Christine, you're talking in riddles, and it's not like you!
CHRISTINE:
Ange de l'Érotique!
Guide and guardian!
Grant to me your glory!
MEG(to herself):
Who is this angel? This...
BOTH:
Ange de l'Érotique!
Hide no longer!
Secret and strange angel
CHRISTINE:
He's with me, even now...
MEG:
Your face is red...!
CHRISTINE:
All around me...
MEG:
Your tits, Christine, they're tight...!
CHRISTINE:
He tingles me...!
MEG:
Oh! I'm jealous...!
(Arriving at Christine's dressing room)Andre: (to Firmin) Richard, I think we've made quite a discovery in Miss Daae!
Firmin: Here we are, Monsieur le Vicomte.
Raoul: Gentlemen, if you wouldn't mind. This is one visit I should prefer to make unaccompanied.
(Gives them both a quick peck before entering the room)
Andre: As you wish, monsieur.
Firmin: (caressing Andre) They appear to have met before, Sweetbuns.
Andre: Yes... (in a seductive voice) c'mere you!
Little Lotte
Raoul: Lovely La-Las let her mind wander. Lovely La-Las thought "Am I fonder of porn
Christine: (smiling) Raoul!
Raoul: (continued) or of Guys Gone Wild or of threesomes, of fucks.
Christine: Those orgies in the den.
Raoul: Or of chocolate . . .
Christine: Father playing your "violin" . . .
Raoul: As we read to each other
hot stories of the South . . .
Christine: 'No what I love best' La-Las said
'Is when I'm tied to the bed'
'And the Angel of Music wants me to give head.'
Christine/Raoul: 'the Angel of Music wants me to give head.'
Raoul: You came like an angel tonight!
Christine: Papa said "Someday, when I'm in Heaven, child, I will send
you the Angel of Music..." well papa is dead, Raoul... and the Angel of
Music has come for me-!
Raoul: O, no doubt of it! Now we go for a lay.
Christine: No, Raoul, I have to visit my "teacher"; the Angel of Music is very jealous.
Raoul: I'm not that long. It will be all of five minutes, Little La-Las.
Christine: No, Raoul wait-!
Ange de l'Érotique
Erik:
Impotent boy,
this slave to passion,
Trying for your glory!
Ignorant fool, this horny suitor.
Sharing in my triumph!
Christine:
Angel, come near now-!
Please, I beg you!
Come right inside. Take me-!
Angel, my soul was weak; forgive me.
Enter at last, Master.
Erik:
Flattering child, you shall feel me.
See why in fabric I hide.
Open your robe in the mirror.
I'll be there inside.
Christine:
Ange de l'Érotique!
Well-hung master,
grant to me your glory!
Ange de l'Érotique, hide no longer!
Come for me, strange Angel...!
Erik:
I am your Ange de l'Érotique.
Come for le Ange de l'Érotique...!
Raoul: Whose is that voice? Who is that in there!
Erik:
I am your Ange de l'Érotique.
Come for le Ange de l'Érotique...!
Le Fantôme de l'Opéra Érotique
CHRISTINE:In sleep he fondled me
In me he came
That voice which moans with me
And shouts my name
I always call to him. For him I beg
The Phantom of the Opera is there
Between my legs
ERIK:
Tonight you'll shout with glee
We'll rock the bed
I'll rub all over you
You'll give me head
You'll turn around for me, and in I'll slide
The Phantom of the Opera is there
Deep down inside
CHORUS:
He's there: The Phantom of the Opera!
CHRISTINE:
He's there: The Phantom of the Opera!
(she begins to moan softly while rubbing herself)
ERIK:
Come for me!(her moaning intensifies)
ERIK:
Come, my Angel of Music!
(her moaning intensifies even more)
ERIK:
Come for me!
(She finally gives one last moan louder than all the others, and releases her orgasm)
(Thank you Angel of Christine)
Erik:
I have brought youto the home of my hungry bone
To my kingdom where all must pay worship to nudeness,
Nudeness.
You shall come here.
For one purpose and one alone.
Since the moment I first heard you sing,
I have needed you with me to serve me, to sing,
For my hugeness.
My hugeness
Music of the Night
Erik:
Night time sharpens
Heightens my sensations
Hormones stir,
and waken my erection
Silently my manhood
Stands up just as it should...
(Erik slowly begins to unzip his trousers as he approaches Christine...)
Erik:
Slowly, deftly
I reveal my member
Gasp at it, grasp it
Please be nice and tender
Turn your face away
From that fop named Raoul, who's gay
Turn your eyes towards my manhood
But please don't bite!
Now let's go make
Some music of the night
(Christine slowly kneels down before Erik and, um, "goes to work" on him...)
Erik
Don't close your eyes,
look up here please
Oh that feels so good!
I have wood! I have wood! I have wooooood!
Please don't stop,
I've never felt so good befooooooooooooooooore!
Christine...you're my favourite little whoooore
(Erik looks down at his protégé as she continues to "work away" at him)
Erik:
Moaning, groaning
I am now succumbing
How much longer
Can I keep from cumming?
Keep the tempo slow
Or I'll prematurely blow
Hear my grunting now
Oh Lord it sounds so right!
I love to hear my "music of the niiiiiiiiiight!"
(Erik begins to grin broadly, in triumph, and slowly raises his outstretched arms above his head)
Erik:
You alone have made me feel so riiiight...
Help me make the music of the niiiiiiii - aaah! – yeah - ohmygod! - iiiiiiiight!
(Erik finally collapses down on the ground, breathing heavily, and then falls asleep shortly afterwards, snoring away...)
Erik:
"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz..."
(A rather unfulfilled Christine picks him up, carries him over to
the swan bed, and tucks him in for the night. He's had a long day...)
(Thank you to Richard (AussieGoonie))
Magical Lasso
(Buquet, dressed in fishnets, heels, a black leather vest, and a harness, is telling the teddy, brassiere, corset, and bustier-clad ballet girls about the "Punjab Lasso")
Buquet:
Grahh!
Ballet tarts:Ah!
Buquet:
Nahh! Nahh! Arghh!
Like giant walnuts are his balls,
A great big pole serves as his pleasure, hard as wood,
You must always be prepared,
For he will catch you with his magical manhood!
(Wraps the lasso around a girl)
Ballet tart:
Oh my...!
Buquet:
Gnahh!
(Madam Giry takes the lasso off the tart)
Madam Giry:
Those who think it's a huge pole
That gives the ladies their pleasure speaks rot,
Joseph Buquet use your tongue! (Slaps him on the arse and raises her skirts)
Keep your face at the level of her ---!
I Remember
Christine
I remember a great tongue...
Licking quick upon my bare, silken skin...
I was writhing all around, when the tongue licked a bud, I came...
So in the boat there is a man...?
Why did I not know of this joy?
Where is the man in the boat?
She finds it... but Erik bursts in, his pants open, furious that she started without him
Erik
Damn you!
You little poking Pandora!
You little demon!
Is it you don't want me inside!
Curse you!
You little leering Lolita!
You writhing viper!
Now I won't allow to ride!
Damn you! Curse you...!
Christine gapes at his exposed member
bigger than you dreamt it
can you even dare to look
or bear to think of it?
this... phantom junior
who seems so small
but secretly
is quite larger than
what you dreamed
secretly...
oh, Christine...!
(Thank you mrs. gerard butler for this segment)
One can become two
You'll learn to seize,
to grasp the man and his huge monster
This gigantic serpent,
Who seems so harsh but hornily dreams of pleasure,
Hornily, hornily...
Oh, Christine...
(Christine runs her hands all over Erik's "friend")
Erik, speaking
Come, Now. (she does) We must return, those two flits who run le Bordel d'Opéra will be missing you.
I Want You So Bad
Firmin: (with Andre at the Il Muto bed, having just come. Sung to the tune of I Am What I Am from La Cage aux Folles)
I want you so bad
You are my one special obsession.
So come let me touch,
May you be my best loved possession.
It's your body I want to take a little spin on,
Your body, and it's a place I ache to grin on.
You're driving me mad-!
Oh, I must say, "Andre, I want you so bad."
Andre:
I want you so bad,
We must have sex, I want it gritty.
I'll bang on your "drum",
Some think we're gross, I think you're pretty.
And so what, if I love each manhood, how they dangle,
Why not try to do things from a diff'rent angle?
There's nothing I've had; Oh my Firmin, studly,
I want you so bad!
Both:
I want you so bad
And what I want needs no excuses.
We'll tumble and roll
Slow or a race, sav'ring the juices.
Many ways, and it's all wild, without repose;
The ways! So it's time to remove our clothes.
You're driving me mad-! Oh, I must say,
"Andre/Firmin, I want you so bad!"
(They fall onto the bed, eagerly "tumbling" about)