Disclaimer: I obviously own nothing to do with the Young Ones and am making no profit out of this. Which is a real shame.

The Younger Ones

Chapter One: Hippies aren't Born, they're Made.

(The opening credits of the Young Ones play out, but with different looks. Vyvyan now has just two metal stars and smaller identical clothes. Rick has only three badges on his neatly ironed blazer. Mike is also younger but has put on copious amounts of fake tan and a fake little moustache. Neil is dressed perfectly, with straight cut short hair and glasses. Alexei Sayle appears as so many things here it's so impossible to list them all. The credits fade away…)

(A loud bell rings and the sunlight just hits the windows of Balowski Primary School)

Headmaster Balowski: Ah! Another typical Western day. With the silly bastards down at Scumbag Primary letting loose all of his destructive chemicals, killing helpless little animals, polluting the air and choking my students to death. (Opening the window of his shabby office) I love you, Scumbag!

(Meanwhile, the various other teachers are preparing to set up their classrooms for the new term. Jerzei Balowski has decorated his room with Polish flags and a whole wall is donated to a portrait of Winston Churchill carrying a Polish flag. Billy Balowski's music department is completely empty except for a dusty old stage in one corner. The science teacher, Brian Damage Balowski is just finishing painting over two large holes in the wall caused by his mad experiments)

(At Rick's country caravan)

Rick Senior: Well then son today is the day you start sixth year. How do you feel?

Rick: Oh, ever so nervous Daddy.

(Rick's mother, Rita, is just finishing polishing her son's badges. She too wears badges and "that stupid girly bonnet". Rick Senior is dressed for some reason in army camouflage)

Rita: Well, you'll be fine Ricky. Just remember our rules. Always do what the nearest grown-up person says to you and if you see a communist…

Rick: Tell the nearest grown-up person. Is that right, Mumsie-Wumsie?

Rita: Of course it is darling! Now come on, eat up your lentil cereal.

Rick: What? Bloody lentils again?

Rita: (looking shocked) WHAT?

Rick Senior: It sounds as if you just said a grown-up person word.

Rick: (looking hurt) Oh, sorry Daddy.

(At Vyvyan's bus shelter)

Mrs. Vyvyan: Well, you toss-pot. Time to get up for school.

(She rips down a bus time sign and smacks him over the head with it. He awakens)

Vyvyan: Piss off!

Mrs. Vyvyan: (standing up from her little seat) I don't like that language.

Vyvyan: Sorry. Piss off, Mum.

Mrs. Vyvyan: Seriously, get your arse up. School today.

Vyvyan: Oh, bloody hell, not again.

Mrs. Vyvyan: Yes. Again.

Vyvyan: Why do I have to go?

Mrs. Vyvyan: Because I have a stash hidden at our house and the pigs have just raided it. Why do you think we slept here tonight?

Vyvyan: I dunno. You brought along some Playboy magazines.

Mrs. Vyvyan: But now I have to find a new place for us to stay, and I don't want you in the way. Now go on. Piss off before I hit you again.

Vyvyan: Whatever. Bye Mum.

Mrs. Vyvyan: Yes, goodbye.

(At a stately manor, a Rolls Royce drives up to the tune of Mozart)

Neil: (holding a glass of champagne) Well, Mother, it appears that school resumes once again today.

Mother: Indeed.

Father: Oh and congratulations on becoming class prefect again and Head Boy.

Neil: Ah, such praises I do not deserve.

Father: Oh yes you do. I've already got your name down for Eton!

Neil: Indeed.

Mother: Yes.

Father: Indeed.

(They all laugh that horrible posh sort of laugh)

Mother: So, shall you be spending the night out with Kendal Mintcake and that lovely Miss. Money-Sterling?

Neil: Indeed.

(Back at Balowski Primary. Neil's Rolls Royce pulls up with a crunch outside and a chauffeur gets out and ushers Neil inside. At the same time, Vyvyan pulls up riding a rusty bicycle with the picked padlock still dragging along behind it. Rick's caravan is driven along by a tiny little dirty Mini and Rick comes out all swotty like in front of his parents. Mike is still nowhere to be seen)

Rick: (approaching Vyvyan who is picking up his stolen bike) So, Vyvyan. Looks like we're going to be in the same class again.

Vyvyan: Piss off, poof!

Rick: Oh, (with his hands on his hips) oh, and I suppose that's your idea of a morning welcome? Well guess what Vyvyan. It's not mine. I prefer to be polite, loving and…

(Vyvyan swings his padlock around, smacks Rick in the face and he falls over)

Vyvyan: Is that a better welcome?

Rick: (slowly getting up) No, but this is. (He reaches over and yanks one of Vyv's stars off). Hah! See how you like that, communist!

(Vyvyan considers for a moment, and then picks up his bike)

Vyvyan: No, Prick. I didn't like that at all. (He hurls his bike at Rick, where the weight of it takes him smashing right through Headmaster Balowski's Ford. The alarm starts and Vyvyan runs away)

Mike: (helping Rick to his feet, amid the shattered glass) Well that was certainly a brilliant stunt Rick. All you have to do is learn how do time it perfectly with the bike hitting your spleen and I could sell you off as a freak.

Rick: I am not a sell-out, Michael. But I could seriously do with a mouth-watering and brilliantly tasting Lentil Fizz Drink! And where have you been, anyway?

Mike: Your little immature mind would never quite understand it Rick.

(Mike walks off and goes into school, closely followed by Rick)

(All of the school is assembled in the main hall for assembly. Some familiar faces are amongst them. Helen Mucus can be seen, lurking suspiciously in a far corner. Warlock the Hippie is smoking something and all the teachers are assembled around the hall. Headmaster Balowski stands up)

Headmaster Balowski: Welcome back you Western children of Satan, the ones who drove my people away into death, killed over a million of us in various ways, like sticking spikes into their eyes so they exploded or stripping them and whipping them until they resembled old bananas, which are made out of my people's skin.

(The hall is silent. One small child begins to cry)

Headmaster Balowski: And now, the teachers report about subjects that actually matter. Science.

Brian Damage: I am happy to say that our science block is now completely re-furnished after that little accident with the chainsaw and the fifth-years. And now music.

Billy Balowski: (Drinking out of a saxophone. He finishes and throws it to the floor where it breaks) Well, there goes our last instrument. And now English.

Jerzei Balowski: Guten Tag tu einen enfants. English is as good as ever. Which is very bad, as in this school, good means bad and bad means good. And now Maths.

Alexei Balowski: (pointing at a random student) You! What's 2 x 2?

Random Student: Uh…..uh….Uhh…..uh……Uhh……ummmm…..u…….h…ah…..4?

Alexei Balowski: All is well. And now Religious Education.

Train Driver Balowski: The children now know the difference between a Catholic and that Jesus person. And now Art.

Officer Balowski: I'm not even remotely qualified to be doing this job. And now P.E.

Count Balowski: (baring his fangs) Ha ha ha ha! The children are extremely unfit.

Headmaster Balowski: I believe that is all. Children, you are dismissed. Please go to your form tutor's for registration.

(The hall empties out, leaving Billy Balowski drinking something out of a hip flask. In Jerzei Balowski's room with the Polish decorations, the children assemble, sitting on the floor. Jerzei is sitting on a ripped apart chair)

Jerzei Balowski: Well, well children. Welcome back from your completely un-deserved break. As Neil is the only one in here who has the chance of amounting to anything, I might as well press on with pointless study. The register, please.

(A student hands him a rough piece of line paper)

Jerzei Balowski: Thank you dumbass child. Warlock Avocado.

Warlock: Here.

Jerzei: Vyvyan Basterd.

Vyvyan: Bored to death and I hate you, now piss off.

Jerzei: Good…Mike TheCoolPerson?

Mike: Where else would I rather be? Apart from in someone else's bed, of course.

Jerzei: Head Boy and Class Prefect Neil Pye.

Neil: Here, Mr. Balowski. I hope you are well.

Jerzei: Of course I am, sir. Now…Helen Mucus?

Helen Mucus: Here.

Jerzei: Oliver Clothes-Off.

Oliver: Here.

Jerzei: Ura Snotball?

Ura: Here. (she sniffs hard)

Jerzei: And everyone else?

Everyone Else: Here.

Jerzei: Oh, yes, and Rick Wankstain?

Rick: I'm here.

Jerzei: Good. Now, I have a hangover today, so no work will be done. Except of course by Head Boy Class Prefect Neil Pye.

Neil: Indeed.

Jerzei: So run along and go outside. You have Maths with Mr. Balowski next.

Vyvyan: You're Mr. Balowski.

Jerzei: No, the other Mr. Balowski.

Vyvyan: Which one?

Jerzei: The other one. Idiot.

Vyvyan: Piss off.

Jerzei: Detention. Now all of you run along.

(Outside in a run down and vandalized playground, Neil is sat in a corner reading "Advanced Algebra". Warlock appears)

Warlock: Hello, Head Boy.

Neil: Hello miscellaneous student.

(Warlock is still smoking his pipe)

Warlock: Want some of this?

Neil: No, I'm trying to study.

Warlock: (he pretends to turn away) Fine, have it your way…

(He turns around quickly and thrusts the pipe in Neil's mouth. He breathes it in a gasp of surprise. Suddenly, his eyes go glazed. The book falls out of his hands and his hair suddenly pops and grows to five times its original length. His smart clothes also transform into dirty hippie-wear)

Neil: (with his classic hippy tone) Oh wow!

Warlock: Yeah, that's good, isn't it?

Neil: Yeah, heavy. Listen man, I have this craving for something and I don't know what it is.

Warlock: Lentils?

Neil: Yeah, yeah that's it.

Warlock: Come with me, my friend.

(They walk off across the playground and into the kitchens).

Hope you liked it! Please read and review and I'll do more chapters.