The Younger Ones Chapter 2: Balowski Love, a young ones fanfic

Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I did not create the Young Ones, anything to do with them and am making sod all out of this. However, I did secretly write Harry Potter. I apologize publicly now. The JK actually stands for Jellied Kelloggs.

Chapter 2: What will happen as the lads experience their first day back at Balowski Primary? Find out in Chapter 2: Balowski Love.

(Vyvyan is moving slowly across the pavement next to Mike, who is counting out a large wad of cash. Rick is their target, and he is currently playing a game of Kiss Chase with Helen Mucus, who seems to have vanished)

Rick: Where are you? I've got to kiss you!

Mike: (looking up from his money) What?

Vyvyan: It's alright, Mike. Prick was just being…a prick.

Rick: (now looking away from his hunt) WHAT?

Mike: Calm down, Rick.

Rick: Don't you tell me to calm down, Mike. What authority have you over me?

Mike: This. (He holds up a photo of Rick sneaking into a PG rated film. Rick screams)

Vyvyan: (laughs) Ha! You're not even allowed to watch bloody PGs without your precious Mumsie…

Rick:…Wumsie would kill me if she found out!

Mike: Exactly, Rick. This is exactly why I am making you do this.

(Rick stops squirming and stares at Mike)

Rick: What? Do what, exactly Mike?

Mike: You are going to deliver (he holds out the wad of cash) this to Harry the Bastard.

Rick: Ooh! Is he a gangster? (Rick leans forward eagerly)

Mike: Well, you could say that.

Rick: So I deliver this and you destroy that photo?

Mike: Yes. You have to deliver it to some run-down old slum. 15 Credibility Street.

Rick: Deal.

Mike: Deal.

(The two of them shake hands. Mike hands Rick the money and tears up the photo)

Rick: Thank you Mike. (He walks off closely stalked by Vyvyan. Mike takes an exact replica of the photo out from his inside pocket)

Rick: Get lost Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: Why?

Rick: Because I know that you're planning one of your desperately immature and practical jokes on me that will probably inflict much harm on me and cause me to go running to the nearest grown-up person.

Vyvyan: Actually Rick, no I wasn't. But that is a great idea!

Rick: Yes it…What? Wait a…

(Vyvyan picks up a cricket bat lying on the floor and smacks him around the head with it. Rick falls to the floor cradling his head)

Rick: Bloody hell, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: What now?

Rick: Where did you find that cricket bat anyway?

Vyvyan: Oh, it was on the floor, right next to this solar powered Black & Decker drill.

(Rick looks up at the sky; the sun is shining brightly. Rick looks back at Vyvyan. Vyvyan picks up the drill…)

Rick: Uh…now you wouldn't actually…uh…use that…uh…drill, would you, Vyvyan?

(In the school kitchens. Neil and Warlock are eating lentils and Neil is smoking Warlock's pipe. They are both lying down)

Neil: Oh, wow. I never knew eating lentils could be so…inspiring. They're really good. Even if it is bloody hippie food.

Warlock: Yeah. That's the truth.

(The bell for class rings)

Neil: Oh dear. Oh no. (He stands) It's class time.

Warlock: So?

Neil: So…(he smokes the pipe once more and sinks back down) what…

Warlock: That's the spirit.

Neil: What's in this pipe anyway?

Warlock: Essence of lentil.

Neil: Ah…

(Alexei Balowski's Maths room. Rick is sitting alone with a large, smoking hole in between his eyes. Mike and Vyvyan are talking)

Mike: So anyway, that's the story of how my father successfully bedded two women at the same time.

Vyvyan: Simply amazing, Mike.

Mike: It is, Vyvyan. It is.

Vyvyan: So…uh…I don't notice that class swot Neil around anywhere.

Mike: Oh, I don't think we'll be seeing him for a while.

Vyvyan: What does that mean Mike?

Mike: It means that I have paid someone to take out that swot.

Vyvyan: You killed him?

Mike: No.

Vyvyan: Oh…what does that mean Mike?

Mike: It means that I paid that freakish hippie, Warlock, to give him a blast.

Vyvyan: What does that mean, Mike?

Mike: It means that our Head Boy is now a stupid, useless and bloody hippie.

Vyvyan: Wow! But why?

Mike: To discredit him.

Vyvyan: What does…?

Alexei: Hey! You two! Bummer boys!

Vyvyan: Piss off.

Alexei: Detention. Now, as I was saying earlier, we will be repeating what we have done last year for this years Maths course.

Vyvyan: Oh, God! Reruns, again?

Alexei: Double Detention. Now, who can tell me what 5 x 5 is?

(The class remains silent)

Alexei: Hey, come on people, you know this.

(One boy puts his hand up)

Alexei: Yes, knob-end over there.

Knob-End: 22?

Alexei: OK, now can we please have someone who isn't a complete retard?

(The class remains silent)

Alexei: Aw, sod it. Where's Neil?

(The class remains silent)

Alexei: Damn! This school's last hope; gone! OK, lesson over, go have break.

Rick: But it's only been 5 minutes! And you forgot to set us homework!

(Vyvyan stands up; walks over to the chalkboard and picks up the rubber. He lobs it at Rick and it hits him in the side of the head)

Rick: Ow! What was that for?

Vyvyan: For being a total and complete bastard!

Rick: Oh yeah? (He raises his middle finger to Vyvyan) Well you know what you are Vyvyan?

Vyvyan: No.

Rick: A bastard! A complete and utter bastard!

Alexei: Oh! This is getting good!
(Rick picks up the board rubber thrown at him and throws it at Vyvyan. However, it misses and hits Mike instead. The class watch, fascinated)

Mike: That was, to say the least, a mistake, Rick.

(Mike clicks his fingers and a big kid stands up. He is Mike's future bouncer from the episode, "Oil")

Future Bouncer: How dare you hit Sir Michael TheCoolPerson?

Rick: Ah, well. Yes, it was an accident. You see…

(The Future Bouncer picks up Rick and throws him back down to the ground)

Vyvyan: Oy! No one bashes Rick around except me. All right?

Future Bouncer: Bring it, starfish.

(Vyvyan runs at him and body slams him. The Future Bouncer goes flying, and smashes through the nearest window)

Rick: Wow! Thank you, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: Shut up.

(Vyvyan picks up Rick and throws him at a window, but misses. Rick slams into the wall instead)

Vyvyan: Damn! Missed!

(Vyvyan picks Rick up again and throws him through the window)

Alexei: (applauding) Bravo! That was amazing! Bravo! Doctor Marten would have loved that performance. Now go on. Get lost.

Mike: Music class next.

(Mike snaps his fingers and four students rise up and carry him, their arms linked making a throne shape)

(In Billy Balowski's Music Room. The stage is still bare, but a strange blue light is hanging behind it. Billy himself is lying down at the foot of the stage)

Rick: Wake up, sir.

(Billy wakes slowly)

Vyvyan: You poof! We could have missed the lesson!

(Vyvyan smacks him hard in the face and he falls to the ground)

Billy: Hello! Welcome to Music Class! Today, I have a hangover, so I am going to let you watch…a live pop performance!

(The class stands and cheers, a la pop concerts)

Billy: This blue light behind me is in fact…a time portal to the 21st Century!

(Again, the class cheers)

Billy: So, I've arranged a pop group from the 21st Century to appear.

Mike: So how did you make one of them portals, anyway?

Billy: I was trying to fix an electric cooker with a fork and it just kind of…happened. Now…are you ready for…

(Billy turns and yells into the portal)

Billy: Girl's Aloud! Whoever the bloody hell they are!

(Again, the class cheer, and Girl's Aloud appear from the portal)

Girls' Aloud: What the bloody hell? This isn't the Comic Relief Gig!

Billy: Well, I don't care. I punched in "tartie farties" and it came up with you guys. Now play or I'll shove this pole straight up your fake-tanned asses!"

(We got some dancing to do)

I wanna be dancing
Too cool for school
When I'm alone I like to break the rules
I wanna go faster
Can't waste no time
Let's get on down
And let me blow your mind, so

Love me
(Down love, boogie down love)
Love me
(Down love, boogie down love)
Love me
(Down love, boogie down love)
I give you turning when you play with me baby
Love me
(Down love, boogie down love)
Love me
(Down love, boogie down love)
Love me
(Down love, boogie down love)
Cos a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

Set it off now
And do your thing
Bring me low
And let the record spin
So give me lovin'
Till I explode
Do the move
Until I lose control

So clap your hands and sing this now
Cos you know where the party's at
It's time to let your feelings show
Ready, steady, come on let's go

I wanna go faster
Can't waste no time
I wanna go faster
Let me blow your mind
Love me
I wanna go faster
Love me
Can't waste no time
Love me
I wanna go faster
Love me
Let me blow your mind

Billy: Let me blow your head!

(he pulls out a shotgun and shoots down two of the girls. The remaining three jump into the portal. Two familiar students rise)

Mary-Kate: Being held back for so long makes me realise…

Ashley: …we could become actresses!

Mary Kate & Ashley: See ya!

(They jump into the portal, which then quickly disintegrates)

Billy: Right. Where are we going to dump these two bodies? Oh…and class is dismissed.

Mike: Science Class next…with Mr. Brian Damage Balowski!

Rick: Mike, don't you think this chapter's getting just a bit repetitive?

(Brian Damage's Classroom)

Brian Damage: Come in! Come in! Do not be afraid!

Vyvyan: Oh, God, not this bastard again.

Brian Damage: I heard that. Remind me later to blow a hole in your stomach. Now…get into your lab partners.

(There is a stampede of people. Vyvyan pushes through everyone, picks up Mike one-handed and brings him over to his desk. Rick moves towards Helen Mucus, but Oliver Clothes-Off takes her instead)

Brian Damage: All alone? Perhaps this might help you.

(Brian picks up what looks like a flamethrower. He lights it and holds up a piece of Francium in front of the flame. It explodes and engulfs the nearest student, killing him in a scream of pain and a burst of flame)

Brian Damage: There! That's better; you can go with Mr. Clothes-Off's ex-partner.

Rick: Alright! Helen Mucus!

Helen: Sir, could I perhaps borrow your flamethrower?

(A taxi)

Warlock: So how do you feel, having bunked off for the first time in your life, eh?

Neil: I feel so…used.

Warlock: That's great, because I need you to do something for me.

(Neil draws deeply from his pipe)

Neil: What?

(Warlock hands Neil a large suitcase, a map and a list of instructions)

Warlock: I just want you to assassinate Jim Callahan, that's all.

Neil: Oh, OK, no biggie.

Warlock: Just follow the instructions and you'll be fine.

(Warlock kicks Neil out of the taxi and then speaks into a walkie-talkie)

Warlock: Warlock to the Man. Warlock to the Man. The Bell-End has left the Black Nest.

(Brian Damage's classroom)

Brian Damage: OK, having found new pants for that prick, Rick, I think it's time we began our lesson. Mike! Shut that bloody walkie-talkie up!

Mike: Sorry, sir.

Vyvyan: Was that Neil?
Mike: I don't think I'll be getting any competition from him any more.

Brian Damage: I said shut up! Now for our experiment. Oh, but first, could the following students please wait outside the room. Vyvyan, Mike, Rick, Helen, John, Neil, Warlock, James, Janine and Peg.

(The said pupils stand up and troop out, except for Neil and Warlock, who are obviously not there. Once outside, Balowski takes out a bomb. The students hear a quiet bang, and the floor shakes slightly)

Brian Damage: Come in!

(They come into the classroom, where at least sixteen pupils lie unconscious at the base of their desks)

Brian Damage: Oh, damn! I picked the wrong bomb. That was a stun-grenade. I meant to blow the bastards apart. But oh well, I guess you can't have everything in life.

Rick: Uh, sir, what was this meant to teach us? Sir? Sir?

(Brian Damage has mysteriously vanished)

Mike: A disappearing teacher? I could make use of this. Let's go then lads, leave these people to wake up.

Rick: What class is it next Mike?

Mike: Well it should be French, but why the hell should I waste my valuable time learning that language?

Vyvyan: Well said Mike!

Rick: But that's bunking off!

Vyvyan: Shut up you girl!

(Vyvyan whacks him hard on the back of the head and he falls over)

Mike: Let's go. To the playground bunker.

Vyvyan: Brilliant!

(Again, he scoops up Mike and runs out of the room with him under his arm. Rick shouts out after them)

Rick: Fascists!

(Just outside Jim Callahan's private parlor)

Neil: Right, I've got to, like, shoot this guy with this special gun in the head, but he won't die, it will just make his life even better than before!

Neil's Old Self: No, you fool! Stop! Warlock is using you! You're going to go to jail!

Neil: But why?

Neil's Old Self: You're about to kill the Prime Minister of England, one of the most important people in the world!

Neil: I'm not going to kill him. I'm just going to inject this lentil aroma into his brain so that he declares lentils the national food and drink of choice. That's what Warlock said.

Neil's Old Self: The dastardly old bugger is lying to you! Trust me, if you pull that trigger, you are going to be in more trouble than could be imagined.

(Neil loads the sniper rifle with a single bullet)

Neil: Relax, man. Don't be so heavy! The instructions tell me how to make this country a lot better. All I have to do is fire.

Neil's Old Self: Stop!

(Neil adjusts the scope and takes careful aim. Suddenly a policeman appears and grabs him by the shoulders, turning him around)

Policeman: What the bloody hell's all this then?

Neil's Old Self: OK, remain calm, but whatever you do, don't call him a…

Neil: Oh no! It's the pigs!

Neil's Old Self: Damn! Now look what you've done you fool! You're in…

Policeman:…more trouble than can be imagined sonny. Let's go.

Neil: OK. Where are we going?

Policeman: Her Majesty's Prison.

Neil: Oh, I'm going to inject her brain with lentil aroma next week, I don't have to go to see her yet.

Policeman: Lentil aroma? You what?

Neil's Old Self: This can't be happening, this can't be happening…

(The playground at Balowski Primary)

Vyvyan: So, let me get this straight. You sent Neil to kill the Prime Minister? Two things: Why, and cool!

Mike: Well, Vyvyan, I needed to get through this year top of the year so I could get into a decent high school.

Vyvyan: But why would you want to do that?

Mike: Simple. The birds love an educated bloke, don't they? Besides, the beautiful birds go for the rich guys, and the rich guys are the ones who have been successful at school.

Vyvyan: Well, not necessarily Michael.

Mike: Yeah, well, good honest grades will always beat a bribe.

Vyvyan: Oh, so you got rid of Neil so you could become the school's valedictorian?

Mike: What the bloody hell is that?

Vyvyan: The guy with the highest marks throughout his time at school.

Mike: And where did you learn that?

Vyvyan: From a programme called Saved by the Bell.

Mike: And what's that?

Vyvyan: Oh, it's a future programme. That portal Mr. Balowski's got set up is great! Shame about the programme though.

Mike: Right, well you've got the gist of it.

(Screaming from within, and several children and teachers come running out of the school)

Vyvyan: Oh, God! Rick must have gone to the toilet again.

Rick: Oh, very funny Vyvyan. More rude jokes about my bottom. How predictable.

Mike: Where did you come from?

Rick: We've just heard the news!

Mike: What news?

Rick: Jerzei Balowski is pregnant!

(A paused and stunned silence)

Mike: OK. Fair enough.

Rick: What do you mean, "fair enough?" He's a man!

Mike: So?

Rick: Well, Michael, I get the feeling you don't know how a baby is actually made!

Mike: Rubbish, Rick! The last time somebody said that, I got slapped with three paternity suits.

Rick: See, I told you, you didn't…what do you mean "paternity suits?"

Vyvyan: He means paternity suits you stupid poof!

(He whacks Rick around the head)

Mike: Well, what impact does that have on the story at hand?

Vyvyan: I don't know Michael. Maybe the author's having trouble thinking of interesting plot lines without repeating what will happen a few years in the future.

(All three of them suddenly look up into the air. They are being observed under a microscope)

Doctor Kadowaki: Amazing! Human beings the size of amoebas!