A/N: This episode was way overdue... lol sorry.
Title: Is A Smallville After All.
Episode 5: Clana.
(Fade in: Talon. Lois is moving her stuff to the upstairs apartment. Chloe is helping her.)
CHLOE: So, where's Lana staying now?
LOIS: Um, who cares?
CHLOE: Good point. So what happened to the alien dudes?
LOIS: I sent them to a place they would feel more comfortable.
(Cut to: Newport. Ryan and Marissa run like hell from Rain and Forrest. Lucky for them, Seth and Summer arrived riding Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle. They rescue Ryan and fly away. Marissa dies a fairly horrible death. No one cares. Ahem. Cut back to the Talon.)
LOIS: So, Lana and Clark are dating now?
CHLOE: Well, Clark lost his powers-
LOIS: His what?
CHLOE: Um… Roll credits!
(Roll credits. Fade in: Barn. Clark and Lana are about to get bumpy and grind-y. Well, it's kind of hard for them since the whole cast is watching.)
CLARK: Maybe we should wait-
LANA: (Ala ho.) We've been waiting for four years! Let's get it on.
ALEX: (Off screen.) Come on, you pieces of eye candy! Do what you do best and gets naked!
ERICA: (Off screen.) This is so retarded. Get it on already.
MICHAEL: (Off screen.) I thought Lex was the one that was going to take Clark's virtue.
ALLISON: (Off screen.) Ew, don't call it that.
ANNETTE: (Off screen.) It's so cute. Their first sex scene.
JOHN S: (Off screen.) Go get her, Tom.
JOHN G: (Off screen.) Ah to be young and good looking.
TOM: Would you guys be quiet!
(Everyone mumbles and shuts up. Clark and Lana get naked and crawled under the sheets. Cheesy virginity loosing music is played. Slow motioning ensues. Lots of heavy making out shots. Teasing gazes of Kristin's backside. Over-abused shots of Tom's panting chest.)
ERICA: (Off screen.) And to think that one day I'm going to hit that.
ALLISON: (Off screen.) Like the show will last that long…
ALL: (Off screen.) Shut up, Pete!
(The screen gets fogged and we fade to the aftermath of hot teen sex. Lana is wrapped around Clark. For some reason Michael can be heard grunting through this entire scene.)
LANA: Wow… that was wow.
MICHAEL: (Off screen.) Grr…
CLARK: I know. I'm no longer a virgin! Woo!
MICHAEL: (Off screen.) Grr…
LANA: Clark, promise me you won't ever leave me. Like my dead parents. Who are dead. Cause they died.
MICHAEL: (Off screen.) He's mine you bitch.
ALEX: (Off screen.) Michael!
MICHAEL: (Off screen.) I've been dancing around Tom for four years too and I'm not getting a sex scene!
ALEX: (Off screen.) Clark and Lex don't get it on in the comics!
MICHEAL: (Off screen.) This thing does not follow the comics! I mean, Pete would marry Lana if that were true!
SAM: (Off screen.) Is that true?
ALLISON: (Off screen.) Sam! You're not here for your job right? Cause that's mine now.
SAM: (Off screen.) I was just visiting.
TOM: You guys are not making it easy for us.
ALEX: (Off screen.) I'm handling it, Tom!
(Suddenly Lex steps into scene throws Lana out the window. A loud thud is heard. Lex and Clark start to make out. Michael takes off his shirt to reveal his hairy chest.)
ALEX: (Off screen.) Michael! You're not supposed to get naked until you wax your chest! Damn it! Lex has no hair!
(Erica stepped into scene and throws Lex out the window. Another thud is heard followed by a yelp from Lana.)
LOIS: Let's get it on, Smallville. (She takes a peak under the covers.) Make that REALLY Bigville.
(Long awkward pause while everyone takes a moment to repress that cheesy joke.)
CLARK: Um… thanks, Lois, but I think I'm not ready to do it with you.
LOIS: Don't make get another boyfriend.
CLARK: Come on! This is Kansas. Who are you going to find that's a better piece of ass than me?
(Cut to: Talon. Lois and AC are there having coffee as Clark glares seeming a bit jealous. But the great news is he's totally ignoring Lana who's in yet another helpless situation. Well, she's choking. Lol stupid ho.)
CLARK: (Mocking voice.) Ooh look I can swim faster than a speeding bullet. (Normal, to Lana.) What does she see in him?
LANA: (Hardly breathing.) help…
CLARK: Exactly. She needs help dumping that guy.
(Clark walks over and gives AC and angry glare and he just gives him his ever so sexy smile. Lois smiles at the scene.)
LOIS: Beat it, Smallville. You had your chance.
AC: Yeah, bro. I'm hitting this now, bro. So beat it, bro. (Pause.) Bro.
LOIS: Aw, I love this man.
(They make out. Clark fumes and slips out of the room. Cut to Lois's apartment Lex is there with Spike.. I mean, Braniac… Er, Milton (so) Fine.)
MILTON: Mr. Kent, so glad you could join us.
CLARK: What are you two doing here?
LEX: Arguing your future mostly. (He walks to Clark and snuggles him.) You ok, baby?
ALEX: (Off screen.) Michael, if you want to date Tom do it on your time.
(Lex pulls away. Lois and AC walked in, still making out and they proceed to have sex on the kitchen counter.)
JAMES: I hate WB shows…
(Fade to black.)
End.