Chapter 18 Sadness
I sat waiting all night for Granger to return. I didn't know what to expect when she waltzed through that door, and I had to admit that I was a little fearful that all of my plans had fallen through, and that everything that I had worked so hard for would come tumbling down. For some reason, however, that was furthest from my mind. I didn't know why but for some reason I could care less about the plans at the moment, there was something else pulling at me, and I didn't know what it was. My nerves were on end and my stomach would convulsively quiver every so often. I mean how would I have felt if I invited someone in my house and they not only disrespected my parents' house, and me for that matter, by bringing someone in uninvited and doing the unspeakable.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know where it came from but it did. I felt guilty, guilty for what happened last night. I shook the thought vigorously from my head; Malfoy's never feel guilt. Malfoy's don't feel anything but greed, corruption, and reveling in others misery. Guilt was a new feeling, one that I had never experienced before.
I then thought of my mother and how cruel my father was to her. How her family had put her under various curses to subdue her, to stop her from following what she so desperately believes to be true. I then decided that it was time for me to take a trip home.
It felt as though I had just fallen asleep when I was being shaken to wake.
"Hermione, you have to leave before Molly gets up." Severus said looking down at me. "As much as I want you to stay, I'm afraid you can't."
I sat up in his bed, unaware that I was still naked from the previous night. He just looked at me, his eyes clouding over with an unreadable expression. It was as if he was recalling a fond memory. He put a hand to my cheek very softly and lightly.
"Cissy," He whispered softly.
Confusion fell over my face, why did he call me Cissy, is this all the thanks I get for coming here? He must have realized his mistake and drew his hand back quickly.
"I apologize Hermione, you just reminded me of someone, that's all." He said.
"That's alright," I replied. Quite frankly I didn't want to be here in the first place, but this was the only place that I knew of that I could come and fulfill the lust requirement without the feelings of Harry, and the eyes of Malfoy. Which reminded me of the reason why I was here in the first place. I had to decide on a course of action, whether or not to forget what I saw last night, or to blow it all up in his face.
I realized once again how stupid I should feel for ever believing that Malfoy would change, that he could grow away from his family values and his usual mannerisms. For him to actually become human for once was just absurd and wishful thinking. Everything was just an act. How stupid was I to fall for that? I decided for the order and for my mission to act as if everything was ok. I am just going to have to be more careful about what I do and how I act around him. That's the other thing, I'm pretty sure he knew I was there because I did slam the front door on purpose to grab his attention. So I have to act somewhat mad towards him, at least for a little while. If it were up to me I would kick his arse out on the street, but I remembered the mission and decided it would be best not to.
I put on my clothes and with one last look from Severus I left headquarters and went back to my house.
I heard Granger come through the door and up the stairs. I didn't run out to greet her just yet; I wanted to make sure that the battleground was safe before I ventured out. I then heard the shower running. I decided that I was going to order in food and then leave a note for her saying that I went out for a bit of air. Hopefully my peace offering will clear everything up, but I don't want it to seem as though I was guilty of anything, especially when I was already feeling it coming from my body.
I got into the shower, hoping that the warm water would clear my head momentarily. The house was quiet when I entered. Maybe he was asleep, but then again, that is what I thought last night. I replayed the scene over and over again. With every passing image, I was getting angrier and angrier. How could he just do that, string me along like I'm some sick puppy?
I got out of the shower and angrily dried myself off. I slipped into some comfortable clothes and went downstairs. To my surprise, there was food on the kitchen table and a note.
Hermione,
I heard you come in this morning and thought you might like this. I went out for a spot of fresh air. Should be back soon.
Draco
I sat down and began eating the food. I really wanted to tell him off and make him feel worse for what he did, but then I realized something. The old Malfoy wouldn't have thought of giving me breakfast, the old Malfoy would have probably waited around and tell me the awful truth about how he had hoodwinked the Hermione Granger, the know it all. He was feeling bad about what happened, that is why he got breakfast. Then again maybe this was just another one of his games. I didn't know what to think anymore.
After leaving Granger's house, I decided to make that visit to Malfoy Manor. As soon as I popped into the large foyer a house elf greeted me.
"Where is my mother?" I asked.
"She is in the parlor sir." The house elf squeaked loudly.
I made my way to the parlor, walking again once more.
'Someone's feeling a bit guilty eh?' The voice said in my head.
"I might as well admit it." I replied back.
'So it's settled then.' The voice said satisfactorily.
"What's settled?" I thought back.
'Honestly,' The voice called out in exasperation. 'I bet you wouldn't even notice it if it did a naked dance in front of you.'
I reached the door of the parlor and knocked softly.
"Come in." My mother's voice called.
I walked in the room and found my mother sitting on the same couch my father had only a couple days ago. Our eyes connected. A flicker of familiarity passed over her eyes. She then returned to what she was doing, it seemed as though she was drawing a picture.
"May I join you?" I asked tentatively. I didn't know what my father did to her so I wanted to be as careful as possible.
"Of course, you're my son are you not?" She replied with a smile, but it was a weary smile on her lips rather than a friendly one. I sat down next to her and picked up one of her sketchbooks. I flipped through the contents. In every picture there were the same eyes staring back at me, the same ones that I have grown to be familiar with for the past seven years. I then got an idea.
I grabbed a clean piece of paper and began writing on it.
'Mother, whose eyes are these?' I wrote to her, and passed the paper along to her. She looked at me confused and then began to furiously write back.
'I don't know, but they keep appearing in my dreams. I wish I knew the owner.' It said in loopy handwriting.
I wrote back, 'Mother, it's ok, I know who these eyes belong to, and I know that you love him.' I handed her the piece of paper, her eyes grew wide with shock, and a single tear fell from her eye. She then began writing, and after a short while she handed me the paper.
'I'm trapped here. I can't get out. I want to but I can't.' I read what she wrote twice.
'Don't worry mother, I'll make sure you get away from all of this. I promise.' I wrote back to her.
She sighed deeply and began writing, she handed me the paper once more. I read.
'I sure do hope so son, I sure do hope so.'
Then I wrote to her, 'Mother how did you know you were in love with him?' I handed her the paper and she read it, here eyes seemed to be frozen on the page. She then had a dreamy faraway look on her face and then she wrote back.
'I knew I was in love with him when I thought about him more then myself. When I always wanted to know what he was thinking about, and if I was what he was thinking about; wondering if he was thinking about me thinking of him. That is when I knew I was in love. But love is a strong word my son, don't get it confused with lust, love comes with responsibilities and sacrifices. But loves shows its head in different forms, and I do hope that you will find that one day.'
I read what she had written over and over again. Soon she got up and left the room, but very reluctantly. I folded up the piece of paper that she had given me. I just sat in the parlor, thinking.
I checked on the bubbling cauldron once more to make sure that everything was in order. I wrote down my observations. I then decided that I would take a nap because I really didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I feel asleep in front of the television.
"Hermione, wake up." A voice called out to me. Soon a pair of strong hands was tickling my abdomen. I woke up giggling and screaming.
"Harry, that's not fair, I was in a very vulnerable position." I called out.
"Hey, that's what happens when you tell someone to be at your house at a certain time and you're not awake to greet them." He replied, his eyes twinkling.
"What time is it?" I asked him.
"It's nearly 4:30." He replied sitting on the couch next to me. He flipped through the channels as I went to go get ready. I got a glass of water, put my hair up into a messy ponytail and threw on some sneakers.
"So where are we going Hermione?" He asked, turning off the TV and looking up at me.
"Harry, I need to tell you something." I sat down next to him on the couch and explained everything, how I was the prodigy and how I had to aid him in the defeat of the dark lord. I told him that the only person who knew something about it was Ginny. After I told him everything he just looked at me in shock and awe.
"So you're telling me, in order for me to defeat the dark lord I'm going to need your help. That you have to fulfill requirements in order for you to become strong enough, and that you've already fulfilled two of these seven requirements?" He asked.
"Yes." I replied.
"Ok, so what now?" He asked.
"We need to fulfill one more requirement and I need your help with this one." I said to him getting off the couch.
"Lead the way." He replied getting off of the couch as well.
I went to the Java Bin after my Mother's abrupt departure. I needed to sit and think. I just thought about the past couple of weeks. The fountain, the Java Bin, Granger's kitchen; those places where our lips met in unison. Where blood and family didn't matter. Did I really want to end up in a predicament like my mother? Feeling trapped and out of reach of her true lover's arms? Is it me, or have I've been thinking more about this then the mission? I had to get my priorities in order.
We arrived at the site. I didn't know what to do. I knew a lot of emotions were going to have to come out of me today, but I wasn't ready just yet.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Harry asked me tentatively.
"I have to." I replied. He grabbed my hand as we made it slowly down the eerie path. Even though it was a bright sunny day, the wind chilled through my bones as we made our way to our destination. We walked slower as we reached them. Harry put a comforting hand around my waist bringing me closer to him.
The two tombstones with my parents' names engraved in them loomed before my eyes. I walked up to my father's stone and touched it softly, outlining my fingers slowly around his name. Soon tears filled my eyes, my heart clenched, and my chest felt heavy. I turned into Harry's shoulder and begin to sob.
"It's all my fault," I murmured into his shoulder. His hand was making small circular strokes on the small of my back.
"It's ok," He whispered softly.
"It's not ok, I mean, do you know the last thing I said to my mum? I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to them." I clutched on to his shirt and sobbed even more. My emotions were getting out of control, I could feel them radiate from my stomach to my fingertips.
"It's going to be ok." He said soothingly. "Everything is going to be ok."
With his soothing words my sobs became more pronounced, soon my knees buckled, and I was sinking to the ground. Harry came with me and kneeled beside me. He patted my back reassuringly.
"How do you do it?" I asked, tears streaming out of my eyes. "How do you live with it all?"
He turned to me his eyes dark and full of sadness. "I just do."
I grabbed his hand and a single tear fell from one of his eyes. I lifted his face and wiped the single tear from his eye. I soon felt that familiar pull of my mind.
After spending sometime in the Java Bin I decided that it was getting late. I apparated to Granger's house and made my way up the stairs. I sat on the bed and pulled out the folded piece of paper that my mother had given me. I read it over and over again. I decided to go see if Granger was in her room. I knocked and I didn't get a reply.
I slowly opened her door, and found her room to be empty. I walked over the threshold and looked around the very purple room. I looked at everything and anything. It was as if I was trying to solve a puzzle. I moved slowly from one part of the room to next. My eyes soon fell upon the picture that was on her vanity area. The picture of the Yule ball quickly grabbed my attention. I looked at all the occupants of the picture, including myself. For some particular reason I just couldn't put the picture down. I just stood there staring at it.
I soon heard the front door slam shut. I didn't bother to get up, quite the contrary. I sat on the bed waiting for her to come up. She came upstairs, her face weathered and tired. Her cheeks and her eyes were puffy. I was surprised she could even open her eyes. She took one look at me and pointed to the door. I didn't leave, she looked upset and I was sure she was going to trust me and reveal to me why she was crying.
"Leave Malfoy!" She said angrily.
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." I replied putting the picture aside.
She looked really upset, her nostrils were flaring and tears were welling up in her puffy eyes.
"Until you know what's wrong?" She repeated sweetly. "You're talking to me like you care when you actually don't. How could you bring someone here in my house and actually shag them in my parents' room?"
"You know that isn't the reason why you're so upset. You know exactly how I am, and I am surprised that you didn't even expect it from me." I drawled locking eyes with hers. "Tell me why, why are you so upset?"
"And to think I thought you've changed." She said throwing up her hands in frustration. "Your just like the Malfoy I met in school, selfish, and only worried about power and status. You can never change."
"Granger, would the old Malfoy persistently ask if you were ok? Would he refuse to leave when he knew that his friend was upset? Would he actually care?" I replied.
She kept silent. Her eyes were calculating what to do next. She soon sat down next to me on the bed. I conjured a cool wet washcloth. I told her to lie down. She did it without hesitation. I placed the cool wet washcloth over her eyes. She sighed and sank even more into the mattress. I began to softly stroke her temples.
"Tell me what's wrong." I asked her. I really did want to know what was wrong with her. I haven't seen her so upset since we met at Flourish and Blotts.
She kept silent, her swollen lips quivering.
I replayed the scene over and over in my mind. Soon after the task was complete Harry helped me up off the ground. He kissed me softly on the lips. He stroked my shoulder up and down and told me that everything was going to be ok. His face was wet from tears. For the task we had to relive our worse memories over and over again. Each memory was getting more and more painful as time went on. Joining hands with Harry and letting his power flow into mine as we relived the memories. His power was the easiest to control, it seemed as though his power was more controlled than mine. It easily bent at my every command.
Harry was too good for me. I had to finally tell him, I had to finally let him know about Malfoy.
"Harry I need to tell you something." I said to him, turning away from the tombstones and heading up the path.
"What is it?" he asked turning to me.
"It's Malfoy." I paused, my heart was beating faster and faster. "The thing is, he and I have been getting closer and closer over the past couple of weeks."
He stopped dead in his tracks. He gazed at me in disbelief.
"You love him don't you?" he asked me. He scared me a little, only because I was expecting him to get angry and he didn't.
"I don't know Harry, I don't know what to think." I replied. He just stared at me. I was waiting for his reply, but it never came
"Well go on, get angry with me, make me choose, break off the friendship, do something!" I yelled. My voice echoed around the cemetery.
"First Sirius and now you," He replied. With that he turned and left me there. I walked silently back to the apparition point. I then realized I threw away a friendship that I could never get back. I screamed out in frustration and broke down and cried some more tears.
I was lying on the bed replaying the cemetery scene over and over again. My heart was aching, but I knew that Harry's was hurting the worst. That made my bottom lip quiver even more. So I just kept silent, letting Malfoy continually asking questions as he massaged my temples.
A/N: I know I have been promising to get back at your reviews and I apologize, I have to leave in exactly 20 min and I still haven't finished packing. I finally get a break from school… and I do apologize for not having my usual comments up, but I rather put up another chapter than wait to put reviews up… sorry guys… pls R&R