Thanks so much to Gater101 and carbytothecore for their positive reviews.
Disclaimer: I do not claim to own these characters. I'm just a girl with way too much time on her hands.
Notes: Lyrics contained in this chapter are from the songs "Try" by Nelly Furtado and "Breathe No More" by Evanescence. The quote is from the film "Closer".
Chapter 2 - Try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try…
The two of them moved to sit, the familiar leather couch creaking slightly as they positioned themselves. Sam exhaled softly, resting her chin in her hands.
Luka silently watched her, wondering what to say. If there was anything he could say. Thoughts tumbled wildly around his head and he could see that Sam was in much the same condition. The silence echoed between them.
"What are we doing, Luka?" she suddenly burst out, impatiently tucking a wayward curl behind her ear.
Luka looked up at Sam, – his Sam – his eyes locking with hers. He could see the worry and confusion that lay there and felt a tug in his heart. He leant forward, dark hair falling across his forehead, and captured her hand in his. Scanning her face imploringly, he said, "I love you. You know that, right?"
A small smile tugged at the corners of Sam's lips as he said this, but her eyes still glittered with unshed tears. "I know. It's just… are we happy?"
Luka frowned at her decision not to echo his endearment and he pulled back reproachfully. "I'm happy, Sam," he said, running a weary hand through his dark hair. But what matters most is, are you?"
A lone tear fell, staining her cheek. Reaching up an angry hand to brush it away, she looked at him intently. "I don't know," she answered truthfully. She felt herself flinch at the look of hurt in Luka's deep eyes.
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try…
His heart a jumble of unvoiced sentiments and vehement protestations, Luka asked, "Are you really unhappy?" Trying to ignore the spark of anger he saw igniting in Sam's eyes, he plowed on. "Or do you think you shouldn't be happy? Deserve to be happy?"
Something snapped in Sam at that moment. Leaping to her feet, she said angrily, "I cannot believe that you are telling me how I am feeling. I barely even know myself!"
Standing quickly and matching Sam in volume, Luka pointed out, "Do you see what he's done to you? He has destroyed you! That bastard has made you feel like your life can never be wonderful! And it can be, Sam. I want it to be. And I know you do, too."
"Do not tell me what I do and do not want!" she yelled at him, shaking. "And Steve, my past… it has nothing to do with this!"
"It has a hell of a lot to do with this!" Luka asserted, trying desperately to keep him temper in check.
Sam stared at him incredulously. "Well, it's wonderful that you know what I'm thinking, Luka. Because I never know what you're thinking. I wish you could say something to me. Anything. Open up to me, godammit." She barrelled on recklessly. "And as for my past, at least I can try and move on from it. At least I can try and talk about it."
She regretted the words as soon as they had left her mouth. She looked at Luka, expecting blazing anger. Deserved it. But the eyes of the man she loved – the man she loved despite everything – bore nothing but coldness. Icy and unfeeling, tinged with sorrow. It was the most unbearable thing she had ever witnessed.
Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you. It's me, remember? It was a stupid thing to do and it meant nothing. If you love me enough, you'll forgive me.
She reached out a trembling hand to touch him but he backed slowly away. Turning on his heel, he headed for the door.
"Where – where are you doing?" she called, already fearing the answer.
"Out," was his curt response. His accented voice, normally enough to send her heart into overdrive, now echoed with hostility and little else. But behind it all, she could hear raw sadness, sadness that she could not allay. And that was what hurt the most.
She watched as he exited, the door closing roughly behind him. The click of the lock echoed tauntingly throughout the apartment, ringing in Sam's ears with a horrible finality.
Sam moved back to the leather couch in a daze. Reaching over and lifting the two now-cold cups of coffee from their position on the adjacent table, she began to carry them into the kitchen. Feeling tears beginning to burn behind her eyes, she came to a standstill. The cups slipped from her grasp, hitting the floor and shattering into innumerable pieces.
Shards of me
Too sharp to put back together
Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces…