A/N: Ooooooo! I'm doing a side story! Woot! actually I'm trying to get over my depression of how horrible I am at writing decent non-drama-like dialogue. (Which probably explains why the next actual chapter is taking so long to write.) So here's a side story I wrote while bored and depressed and while drinking soda! Woot! Caffeine!
Speech-Ryuu talking
Speech-Mike talking
Speech-Both Mike and Ryuu talking
(Action)
"Speech"
'Thoughts'
Side story
(Camera pans in to view Ryuu sitting on black Laz-e-boy recliner next to Mike who's sitting on the wood floor and staring at the lit fireplace behind Ryuu's recliner. There's a six-pack of soda on the floor in reach of both Ryuu and Mike. Mike has six empty soda cans littered next to him and an empty box that might've once been filled with candy, which is only a guess since there's a pixie stix in Mike's hand and the fire is turning wierd colors.)
Have you ever gotten the sudden feeling of impending doom? Right out of the blue?
It means you crave soda, now drink fool.
Oh, Mike's going to help with today's story. Say hi to the readers, Mike.
Hi to the readers, Mike.
Anywho, I'd bet you 20 bucks that's how Matt felt the day of our story. Today me an' Mike are going to tell you about one of our favorite hobbies. Torturing Matt, the ass that lives a couple houses down and across the street from me. Many of our pranks on the poor-
(Snort) Yeah right...
(Ahem)
Sorry.
(Nods) Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, many-
I said I was sorry!
SHUT UP! (Silence) Okay, like I was saying. Many of our pranks on the poor sap, Matt, all involve fire.
Woot! Fire!
Yes, fire, Mike. We have a habit of burning down lots of Matt's property, cars, etc.
We even managed to set fire to his swimming pool once. I took photos of that one. (Grins goofily)
Yeah, that stunt was great. But we're not going to tell you about that one.
As much as we're sure you'd enjoy it.
We're going to tell you about one of our more eventful days. Mike, tell them what our agenda was for that day.
Gladly. That day was awesome and packed with lots of non-fire-related antics. In the morning Ryuu stopped by my garage-
Because he lives in his parents' garage. He's pathetic that way.
-And we made a whole bunch of stuff. Water balloons, we unpacked that box of cans of spraypaint and we finally opened those paintball guns we bought a month ago. And that's only the beginning. We spent two hours planning our day.
That's right. We officially named that day Matt's Hell Day.
Inspired by a recently watched rerun of Viva La Bam the night before.
(Salute) Long live Bam Margera! May his creativity spark devilish intent in the youth of America and fellow skateboarders alike.
And after we finished planning we-
Well, why don't we just show them, Mike?
Sounds good to me.
Roll the tape.
(Strange accent) Aye aye, capi-ton! (Salute)
(Ryuu hits the lights and everything goes dark before Mike turns the Tv on. Ryuu presses play on the remote in his hand and grabs a can of soda.)
Oh, feel free to grab a can of soda while you watch the show.
Wait a sec!
(Presses the Pause button) What?
I thought we were telling the readers a story!
We are.
Then what's with the Tv?
(Shrugs) Beats the hell out of me. Now sit down help narrate.
Okay... (Sits and grabs a can of soda) Let's watch!
(Hits play button again.) (Camera starts to zoom out.)
Wait!
(Sigh)(Hits Pause button) What now?
What happened to all my pixie stix? They're all gone...
(Points to fireplace) You see the multi colored fire?
(Nods)
That's what happened. Obviously all the sugar went to your head and you forgot you dumped half the box in the fire to see if it would change colors. It did. You got fascinated. You threw more in. And so the vicious cycle continues.
(Staring at the fire) Oh, the prettyful colors...
In my opinion you wasted a perfectly good box of sugar.
(Eyes widen) Sugar go bye...no more sugar...(Teary eyes)
(Sighs)(Rubs temples)(Mutters)I feel an oncoming headache...(Turns to Mike again) We'll get you more sugar later, okay?
(Nods vehemently) Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Can we start the video now?
(Nods)
Okay. (Goes to press play button but stops) Are you done now? No more interuptions, right?
(Nods again) Yeah, Ryuu. I'm good now.
Alright. (Goes to press play and sees Mike move to open his mouth to say something. Instead of asking him what it is he throws his still closed can of soda at Mike's head and knocks him unconscious. Smiling to himself, he presses the play button and slouches into his laz-e-boy a bit more.)
(Camera turns to face the flat screen Tv and then zooms into the screen.)
The scene opens up to a helicopter type view from above the neighborhood. Showing each and everyhouse. The camera zooms in until you can see clearly in a 4 house radius.
Now I seriously have to tell you. The neighborhood I live in is pretty peaceful. It was completely peaceful until I moved in, but that's what happens when a chaos magnet moves into town. Anyway, since the neighborhood is so peacful no one really has any alarms. You have your average lock on the front and back door. But that's it. No fancy schmancy alarms with glass breakage and the likes. Just normal locks.
No house in the neighborhood had any of those fancy alarms. Except one house about 3 places down from mine. But that didn't occur until after this whole stunt.
The camera zooms in some more and comes up to the front door of a comfortable looking one-story ranch. The door opens to reveal the young man we know as Ryuu Mouko. He's wearing black gi pants tucked into a pair of black combat boots, a black long sleeve shirt with a crimson t-shirt over it, and black fingerless gloves on his hands. Over his shoulder is his skateboard.
There's a small white wire runninng from his left pant pocket up to his chest where it splits in two and continues up to his ears where they form ear phones. He's nodding his head in time to his rock mix as he puts his skateboard on the ground and begins skating down the road.
----------------
The screen fades to black and we're brought to the scene of another one-story ranch property. This one isn't brown like the last one it's white. We see Ryuu skate up the driveway and jump off his board. He peers into the glass windows of the garage door and seems to be looking for something.
He climbs in through the sidewindow and walks over to the sleeping bundle of blankets and begins singing into it's ear.
"Help me get away from myself. I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside..." Ryuu laughs as the figure turns over and mumbles.
"Go fuck with...one else...stup...bastard..."
"Help me get away from myself. I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside. I want to fuck you like an animal. My whole existance is wrong, you get me closer to God," Ryuu sings again from his iPod, "I love my iPod..." He sighs as the figure turns over again.
"How I grow bored with this game..." He walks away from the bed and grabs a bucket sitting by the sink. He opens the tap and runs the cold water for a few minutes before setting to work filling the bucket with ice cold water. When it's full he walks back over to the bed.
"Alright Mike, I'm giving you to the count of 10 to get your ass out of the bed. Or at least sit up," Ryuu moved the bucket to a good dumping position, "1..."
"Fuck..."
"2..."
"You..."
"3..."
"Bastard..."
"10," Ryuu grinned maniacally as Mike suddenly stiffened rolled off the bed with a resounding thump.
"Ow, fucking concrete floor...I'm up, I'm up..."
Ryuu pouted like a child who'd just had his favorite toy taken from him, "Man, now what am I gonna do with all this water?"
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done something with the bucket of water. But I wouldn't be lying if I said I gave Lucky the cat a bath of sorts. (Smile)
While Matt was dressing Ryuu was creeping around his yard looking for his favorite victim. He found him sitting on the chain link fence.
He crept up as silently as he could behind him, which was pretty damn silent, and threw the water at him.
With a loud yowl the cat went skittering across the neighbors yard and into the bushes.
"Ryuu! Stop fucking with the cat and get in here!"
Ryuu grinned like a 5 year old on christmas as he walked back into Mike's apartment whistling and swinging the now empty bucket back and forth as he walked.
We spent about 3 hours setting everything up for the day. It was entertaining to say the least and that's just the planning.Of course to say that we didn't diverge from the original would be lying. AndI hate to lie without good purpose.
As Ryuu and Mike skateboarded down the street it was still early in the morning, about 5:15, and everyone was still sleeping pretty much.
"I declare today, Matt's Hell Day!"
"WOOT!"
Well, almost everyone was sleeping. And after the shouts even more people were awake.
----------------
The screen switches to another ranch property, only this one holds a two-story house. The camera zooms into the backyard and we see Mike messing around with things near the pool, jacuuzi, and barbeque before sitting in a large oak tree near the window of the house.
As the scene switches to inside the house we watch as Ryuu walks around the house in the cloak of his Umi-sen-ken technique. He changes bottles in the shower and bathroom. Switches bottles in the kitchen. And walks downstairs into the basement where Matt has his bar. He empties all the bottles in the sink and replaces them all with vinegar, water, grape juice, and a couple bottles with a special hot sauce.
(For those who don't know about the Umi-sen-ken, it's a technique where Ranma can disappear completely to mortal eyes.)
He spills a drop of the hot sauce on the carpet, "Shit!" He curses silently, before shrugging and moving onto to his next point of destruction. We watch Ryuu disappear up the stairs and zoom into the spot where the hot sauce was spilt.
Where there once might've been a red stain on the carpet is a small smoldering patch of fabric.
Heh, that was my special hot sauce. Something I made for myself when I made my ownfood on the road. Cause I mean, who doesn't like a decent hot sauce on occasion? Certainly not me. (Smiles)
"Everything all set on your side?"
"Yep. How 'bout you?"
"Same."
"Okay. You gonna video tape this?"
"Nope, got it all covered already."
"Whatever man..."
"Look! He's getting up!"
----------------
Sure enough in the master bedroom of the two story house, one Matt Donovan awoke to start his day. Hoping beyond hope that the annoying bastard down the road would leave him alone.
Little did he know that "The annoying bastard down the road" was sitting in one of the large oak trees in his backyard with a pair of binoculars.
Matt walked into his bathroom in his special black robe, it's special cause it has the Superman symbol on the back, and then hung his robe on a hook behind the door. Stepping into the shower he began his daily ritual and ignored most of the labels on the bottles he used.
10 minutes later he walked out of his shower and dried himself off. He stood in front of his mirror and played around with his short brown hair. His hair was just long enough to mess with.
He gave himself a mohawk and posed in front of the mirror. He chuckled to himself as he put his polka dotted boxers on and then moved back in front of the mirror. He brought his hand up to flatten the mohawk but was horrified when he couldn't make his hair go back down, he couldn't even get a brush through it.
Rushing back into the shower stall and grabbed his bottle of shampoo. His eyes widened when he actually read the label on the bottle, "Wood Glue."
He sighed and shook his head, I just can't win. Arrogant bastard, whoever did this. I know it wasn't Ryuu, he doesn't have the balls to go this far. Ha! If only he knew.
He walked into his room and grabbed his clothes for the day. Before making his way to the kitchen. He made himself eggs and grabbed the bottle that said ketchup. He put some next to his eggs and dipped. It took a minute for the hot sauce to register in his mind, but when it did he drank a lot of water from the sink.
He decided he needed a large glass of wine before work and found instead grape juice. He sighed and instead tried the white wine, but found vinegar instead. He tried a different bottle and sniffed the contents, it smelt familiar, so he guessed it was okay. Taking a quick swig with his eyes closed he dropped the bottle immediately and flew towards the sink to drink another gallon or two of water.
Making his way to the main floor he ignored the smoldering fabric that was once his carpet and opened the back door. In doing so he hit the door against the carefully placed barbecue, making it roll across his deck and stopping a little ways into his homemade volleyball court, of course the net was down since it was so close to winter at the time.
As soon as the BBQ stopped it burst into flames.
----------------
From their place in the oak tree, Ryuu and Mike stared in awe at the burning ruins of the barbeque.
Ryuu spoke without turning to Mike, "Dude, how'd you get it to do that?"
Mike blinked and shook his head, "Beats me, man. I only placed the thing in the way of the door. I was hoping it'd fall into the pool."
"Well your aim sucks, Mike."
"You're telling me."
Back to Matt; he's running to his hose hoping he'll be able to stop the fire before it spreads to anything. He unraveled the hose and brought close enough to the barbeque and he got ready to turn the hose on. Asabrupt as the fire hadstarted it disappeared.
----------------
"Woah."
"Yeah."
"Poltergeist?"
"Stop watching horror movies, Mike, they're gonna rot your brain."
"Brain?"
"Oh, right, nevermind."
And to tell you the truth, we never did find out how that barbeque did that.
It was magic man.
Woah, when'd you get up?
A couple minutes ago. Just in time to watch the barbeque burn. Heh...fire...
Dude, that's my line. Don't steal my lines.
Sorry.
Matt sighed and started walking to his car, "Not an hour into my day and it already sucks."
He walks to the front yard closes his eyes right before he gets there, "Please let my baby be okay, please let my baby be okay and in one piece please..."
(Hits the pause button) Okay, this is the one of main reasons why the man's single and we hate him. But let's get a bit more detailed. Mike?
One: He treats his car better than any human being he interacts with.
A man has problems when he treats a fucking car better than his neighbor or co-worker. Anyone who treats his car better than a living being should be shot. Multiple times. In the groin.
Two: He's a druggie.
Okay, I can't really complain here, because it's partially our fault he's a druggie. The man takes anti-depressants every morning with his vitamins.
Which is totally weird because one of his "vitamins" is a little blue pill we teens call Viagra.
Which explains a lot of things, but we won't get into those if only to keep mental scarring to a minimum. Now the next reason is the main reason why I love to hate this man.
Three: He's a pedophile.
The man is fucking 29 years old and lusts after Sasha. Sasha's 22. That's a 7 year difference. And the fucker lusts after my Sasha no less.
"Your" Sasha?
Shut up. Like I said before. This man should be shot, multiple times, in the groin. He passes up curvacious women his age, tochase after a young woman who already has her sights set on a handsome young man...
I thought she was dating you?
Shut up, Mike. I said it once, I'll say it again, this man should be shot in the groin until all feeling leaves his libido. And I wouldn't mind if he was paralyzed from the waist down as well. Or perhaps killed in a freak accident...heheh...(Evil glint in eyes)
Riiight...Now, back to the story! (Grabs remote from Ryuu and hits Play)
With his eyes closed, Matt pictured his pristine Viper convertable sitting in the driveway, scratchless, dentless, and with it's perfect red paintjob.
----------------
"I wonder if he'll like the new paintjob we gave his car?" Mike said while watching through his binoculars.
----------------
Matt opened his eyes, stared wide eyed at his car, opened his mouth, and screamed like girl.
----------------
"I think he likes it."
"Doubt it, but an ass like him doesn't deserve that nice a car anyway."
"I hear that."
----------------
Instead of it's pristine red, the car was a bright neon pink. The trunk was neon purple. The hood and top of the car was neon yellow.
Matt slowly stalked around the car and looked at the paintjob with tears in his eyes, "My baby...my poor baby..." On the windshield there was a sign that said, "Congrats! We've pimped your car!" in the same neon purple spray paint as the trunk.
He opened the driver side door and took a deep breath before sitting down on the seat...and popping several water balloons that were hidden under the seat cover. Somehow he'd completely missed the obvious lumps that were the tell tale sign of water balloons.
He gasped at the ice cold water on the seat of his pants before carefully, slowly looking down. He looked like he wet his pants. He was about to go inside and change when he saw he'd be late if he did. So he sighed deeply, hoped to God his pants would dry before he got to work, slammed his forehead into the steering wheel for good measure and drove off to work.
----------------
"The water balloon idea was genius."
"Only because he was too teary eyed to notice them."
"It was still a genius idea."
"You're only saying that because it was your idea."
"What's your point?"
(sigh)
"Woah, he smashed his forehead on the steering wheel."
"Ha ha, awesome."
"Wonder if it hurt."
"Only if he was a wuss. I've hit my head on harder things."
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Smacked my head into a wall while headbanging the other day to Black Sabbath."
"Oh yeah, I've fallen off my skateboard while doing a trick and hit my head on the concrete."
"That would explain a lot of things...but I've hit my head on harder things."
"Do tell."
"Ever been punched in the head by someone who can destroy buildings with a single punch?"
"No."
"I have."
"Doubt it."
"Mike, I told you my life's story and I turn into a tiger at will. You don't believe that?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"You'd have to come out of that with brain damage or something."
"I hear voices remember?"
"Oh yeah."
We sat in that oak tree for an hour before we got bored and followed Matt to his work building. We did some research and came up with some facts about the building.
Like for some stupid reason there's no security cameras that view the parking lot.
Which helped us put to use that paintball gun we have that "mysteriously" has Matt's fingerprints on it.
(Grinning like an idiot) He used it to shoot at Ryuu one time after we "re-painted" his old Ford. We, for some strange reason, were wearing leather gloves so there's no one elses finger prints except Matt's.
We waited until after lunch to execute the plan, but it had to be done after some research and careful planning.
I'm not only an excellent drummer, but I'm awesome at hacking. Hacking into this building was like taking out some punk with a lead pipe.
Not that he's ever done anything like that.
Nope. It was a wooden bat.
Matt walked out of the building and saw an investigation going on around his car and another woman's car. He approached one of the officers.
"Officer what's on?"
"We have an act of vandalism that went about on Ms. Caffeine's car. We found the evidence of the act in this car," The officer said gesturing to Matt's "pimped" car, "All we're trying to do is find the owner of the car now. Would you happen to know a Mr. Donovan?"
----------------
(Squeeky mocking voice) "Excuse me officer, what's going on?"
(Deep baritone mocking type voice) "I haven't a clue, you prick, now go away or fuck me in the ass."
Ryuu laughs and uses his normal voice, "Her name's caffeine, Kami, how'd you find her?"
Mike's laughing as well but manages to answer, "She just came up, she was one of the first chicks that came in before Matt."
"Oh look, the cop's asking him about the culprit."
"Can I hit the big red button yet?"
"No, wait for it..."
"Now?"
"Matt's about to deny knowing himself, wait a second..."
"Now?"
"Now."
----------------
Matt stuttered a bit before calming himself and shaking his head, "No, I wouldn't know any Mr. Dono-"
(BOOM)
"FUCK! My car!" Matt yelled.
The cop blinked before staring at Matt. He shrugged, grabbed his handcuffs and handcuffed Matt.
"Mr. Donovan, you're under arrest for the vandalization of Ms. Caffeine's car."
"How do you know it's my car! I deny it! I plead the fifth, damn it!" Matt shouted struggling against the cop.
"Well for one, you shouted about the car that just blew up being yours before I handcuffed you. And two, the fact that you're denying everything makes you all the more guilty. Thank the lord we got the evidence from your car before it blew," The cop said shoving Matt into his patrol car.
"What was up with that?" Another cop asked.
"Beats me, the crazy fuck tried to blow up the evidence then pretend he hadn't a clue about it."
"Crazy bastards are all the same."
"It's a damn shame."
----------------
"Ah...the big red button made the car go boom..." Mike looks at the small control button and hugs it, "I love the big red button."
Ryuu looks at Mike with a raised eyebrow, "You didn't take your meds this morning did you?"
"No, why?"
And that was our day. Two excellent explosions. The proper placing of water balloons. The proper planning and use of a paintball gun from the week before. And a fascinating experience by discovering people have the wierdest last names.
Hey, I found another one!
Who is it?
Guy's name is Dick Cheney. Who the hell name's their kid, "dick"?
Obviously Cheney's mom. You know this Dick guy is an important part of our government, right?
Yeah, and? What has the government ever done for us?
Give us a lousy enough security to hack but good enough to arrest Matt on more than 25 occasions.
Oh yeah. (Takes a small controller with a big red button on it and hugs it to his chest) I love you big red button. You make things go boom.
You didn't take your medicine this morning did you?
Nope. But I did have a lot of sugar and soda and caffeine (Snort) caffeine. (Breaks into a fit of hysterical laughter)
(Sigh) I always befriend the wierd ones...(remembers something) Hey, didn't you re-set that controller to blow something up again the other day?
(Abruptly stops laughing) So I did...I can't remember what though...
Guess there's only one way to find out, eh?
Yep. (Presses the button)
Hey nothing hap-
(BOOM)
(The entire screen turns into static and all we get is audio.)
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
(Has broken into peels of laughter) That was fucking awesome!
Stop laughing, dipshit! If Sasha finds out we ruined the rug in this room she's gonna hand us our asses!
"Ryuu! Mike! What was that loud boom I heard!"
Oh fuck.
(Audio slowly fades out and the last thing we hear is the door opening, a lot of muffled yelling, and the sound of a huge scuffle before the audio finally fades into static.)
The End. (For now...maybe)
A/N: Just for those wondering. Ryuu ended up in a tent in the backyard and Mike was put in a leg cast when Sasha fractured his leg. He was still clutching the controller with the big red button and muttering something about no one getting "his precious."
Ah, random violence, chaos, explosions, cursing, and torture. I enjoyed writing this. Anyway, since I'm here. I just want to say something real quick, if you have any questions and would prefer them answered before the next actual chapter comes, whenever that is, e-mail your questions to me. I'll answer them as I get them. Until next time, bye!
Reviews welcome, Flames not.