Reflection

Bill Reflects on Kara

William Adama sat in his quarters alone with his thought. This was going to the first time his crew would be ordered to explore a planet for possible habitation. They have been lost in space so to speak for close to a decade. People were frustrated and loosing interest in staying alive. Compliancy was taking over the fleet. No one cared about politics, religion, learning, or simply living. He spent most of his days keeping his pilots wanting to fight which seemed to be more of a "fight" with every passing day. He knew it was imperative they wanted to keep going. They had to train and they had to patrol. Without experience and without the CAP the fleet would parish. It was definitely a daily struggle.

He knew his people had questions. He had the same ones but he would never dare voice them. He was the Commander. He was the preverbal old man of the mountain. How could he be the one asking how far could salvation be? How long could they search? When will this end? And if he is looking for answers who could he ask?

Sometimes Bill wondered with a guilty conscious. Was it even worth it any more? Ah, frak! Of course it was worth it. It had to be worth it. The continuation of an entire race depended on it but sometimes you do have to wonder. You just wouldn't be human if you didn't wonder.

But now his people were on the ground. They were on solid Earth to coin a phrase. Earth! To the Gods where is it? What he has tasked them to do now would bring renewed hope. They were explore and staking out new ground. They were assessing the dangers. They were deciding if this could be home even if only temporarily. If this land was true and safe hopefully people would be fighting to survive once again. We as a people, as an entity of one, will want to continue if we can build, live and breathe on solid ground.

He, the Commander, sat at his desk thinking about his only surviving son, Lee, who was leading the charge on the planet below. However Lee was not alone. He was accompanied by Starbuck, Bill's only daughter. Yes, it was true Kara did not carry the Adama name nor did Bill conceive of her but she did carry his heart. He loved her and all her faults as if she were his own. She had been without parents who loved her.

Bill was really the only father figure she had known. Some time ago Kara admitted guilt to this when Bill engaged her in a father/daughter talk. Bill asked her once, "Why do you do the things you do?" She replied, "Because you have a face." At first he didn't understand but Bill came to realize that she loved her father dearly and she believed he loved her but she only remembers his music. Her father no longer had a face or even a name just a sound.

Bill thought back to a "Starbuck" birthday in which he and Lee found a keyboard. They searched the entire fleet. It was something they had to do. She was a different person when she would reminisce about her father. She was sway to a tune no one else could hear. She reverted back to childhood. Her fondest memories being one of her sitting in his lap watching his fingers move across the keys. Neither Bill nor Lee had known this bit of Kara before but she began to speak more often of he father's piano. When she spoke of this they could see true joy on her. She was eight years old again.

When they carried it into the room she caught sight if it she gasped and her eyes filled with tears. The two men were totally stunned by the extreme emotional response and desperately tried to move it out of her line of vision. "What did you do?" she spat at them. All they could do was look nervously to one another. They had no idea what they had done except make her angry. "Please don't take it away", she whispered with a weak smile on her face. Father and son breathed easy after that. She moved to the homemade bench carefully positioning her fingers on the keys but made no attempt to play. She simply sat starring. As she sat there she suddenly began to cry in earnest with shaking shoulders. The men had no idea what to do. At that moment Laura Roslin stepped in looking to the men looking absolutely terrified and then seeing a trembling and vulnerable Kara Thrace.

Although it was a new sight it wasn't totally surprising. Everyone had losses but Kara had been through more than her fair share of losses and pain. She never once broke. Because of her mother Kara was hesitant to place any trust in a mother figure but as time past Laura was able to fill that role and was glad to do it. Kara was better for it. Laura had told the men to give them some time alone. "Bill don't worry I'll find you when we're done. I think she needs a mother now." Bill simply nodded. The last thing Bill saw before exiting his chambers was Laura Roslin kneeling in front of Kara Thrace. At that they were not President and Pilot but they were mother and daughter. To this day Laura has kept most of that conversation a tight lipped secret.

When Bill fianlly decided he and Lee spent enough time away he decided the party was over. "Son, go get some sleep."

"But Kara…" Lee protested.

"Is in need of something we are incapable of giving her at this moment. Give her some time, Lee."

"You're right", Lee nodded.

"I'm always right."

Lee gave his Dad a sideways glance and smiled, "Goodnight, Zeus."

"Hey, Zeus wasn't always right he was just in charge."

"Goodnight, Dad."

"Goodnight, Son."

They parted for the night and Bill headed for home. He was taken aback by the sight he found as he entered his quarters. The two women had moved to his bunk. Apparently in the course of the talk Kara had fallen asleep. Laura was now sitting up running her fingers through Kara's blonde hair. Kara had an arm across Laura's abdomen and a fist full of clothing. When the door opened Laura looked up to see Bill enter and placed a finger to her lips to keep him quiet.

"Is everything okay?" he whispered in Laura's ear.

"She'll be fine but this child is totally exhausted. She pushes herself to hard and to long. It's all for the sake of forgetting."

"I know but I couldn't get through to her. She believed she was alone. Do you want to move to the couch?"

"I'm kind of trapped and I really don't want to wake her."

Bill looked down to the angelic face in her lap then pulled up a chair close enough to continue the hushed conversation. "She looks at peace."

"I think she might be. She's emotionally drained and has some healing to do but I think she's finally starting to realize what and who she has."

"She grew up with unwilling parents. He father abandon her while her mother beat her. She's had to be tough her whole life."

"She doesn't have to be anymore at least not at all the times. Tonight was hard for her because she broke and she had an audience."

"Was it the keyboard?"

Laura nodded her head, "She sat there for the first hour not moving or saying anything. Honestly she really started to scare me. Then all of a sudden she spoke until she couldn't say any more. Bill, we can never turn our backs on her. She may not recover from that trauma."

"Agreed. A mother and father this late in the game what's a grown woman to do?"

"Ask for a pony?"

Bill couldn't help himself. He started to chuckle deeply. Kara stirred but didn't wake. He looked at Kara then spoke to Laura, "You are absolutely the most amazing woman, Laura Roslin."

"You're not so bad yourself, William Adama."

"Thanks for this," he said motioning at Kara still asleep in Laura's lap. "She means a lot to me. Her well being means a lot to me."

"I know, Bill."

"She is going to wake up horror struck to find she had fallen asleep on the President of the Colonies…literally."

"I know that, too. But we're family."

The two stayed awake talking for many more hours. They spoke on a great many things until sleep called for both of them. Bill had awoken just a couple of hours later. He shook Laura's shoulder gently. She opened her eyes to see him pointing at the couch. She agreed and carefully maneuvered herself our from under the sleeping Kara Thrace. Kara momentarily fought then grabbed for a pillow then settled down.

Bill steadied Laura on tingling legs. "My legs are asleep."

"I can imagine."

Together they slept on the couch without any worries at least for the night. When the morning came Bill called Lee on the flight deck informing him Kara would not be up for the CAP and would explain everything later. The scheduled was switched and all was well.

That was a fond memory. His brain took him to a few days after that night. He jumped to a not so fond memory.

Bill opened the door to his quarters to music. He didn't go in not wanting to interrupt the concert. He had not heard music like that in so many years. Lee caught up to him just two minutes later, "what is that?"

"Music", Bill told his son.

"Where is it coming from?"

"Kara."

"Are you sure? I had no idea."

"No one did."

Then there was a loud yelp from inside bring the music to an abrupt stop. They walked in quickly to find Kara crying and cradling her hands.

"Kara, what's going on?" Bill asked. Lee just stood aside and let Bill be the parent he knew Kara needed. To Bill's relief Lee stopped being jealous of the relationship many years earlier.

"I can't play any more", she told him crying softly.

"You don't have, too."

"Yes I do but I can't", Kara simply held her hands up to him. He could see they caused her pain. He straightened her fingers gently. She made a painful gasped when he moved her fingers. She could barley move them now, "Did you play until your fingers bled?"

She shook her head and smiled, "no, my Mother did this to me."

"I don't understand…"

"I you know don't, sir. I've never told anyone. When I was very young and very happy I had music in my life. Yes, I had my father's music but I also had my own."

"Your own?" he asked to keep her talking.

She shook her head again, "yes, sir. I was actually a…I was once considered a child prodigy. I could see music. Every song had a pattern. It was a language I could understand. I wanted to follow my father and he was happy to have me but my mother…"

Bill was surprised to hear this. He knew she had a brilliant mind he just didn't realize how brilliant. He also knew her mother did not support Kara in any sense of the word. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what her mother had done but asked none the less, "what happened?"

"When I was seven I my father was going to take me in for an audition. He wanted me to go to the Caprica School of Music but my mother couldn't stand the idea. She didn't believe in me. When my father left us alone the morning of the audition she cornered me. I fought her but I wasn't strong enough. She snapped my fingers one by one", Kara held her hands up to Bill. "She broke them all. I couldn't play. My father didn't come back for me. I couldn't hold him and he didn't take me. His disappointment drove him away."

"Kara, I wish I could have taken you from that. Your father didn't leave because of you. Gods, I think you mother didn't something to him. From the sounds of it I don't think he would have left you unless he was dead."

"Lords of Kobol", she muttered then looked up, "she killed him." The change in Kara "Starbuck" Thrace after that night was terrifying and amazing. She was happier. She was still stern but kinder. She wasn't angry. She was free knowing or at least believing her father didn't leave because she couldn't preform.

Then Bill's brain jumped to Laura.