A/N: Well, thank you to all my reviewers… there were only three of you… but that's better than anything else I've written. Now, and without further adieu, I present to you the second chapter of Not Deserving of a Title.
Inuyasha:is still staring at the Kagome-crater: Whoa… is she okay?
Miroku:shakes head: I'm so utterly confused.
Sango: It's okay Miroku, we still love you.
Inuyasha: We loved him?
Miroku: Shut up you overbearing cockbite.
Kagome: Why haven't you gone for help!
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.
Not Deserving of a Title Chapter 2: Dog ShitIt was another normal day for the Inuyasha group. The sun was barely over the hills, and already our heroes were marching jovially down the road, whistling a merry tune. Inuyasha was the baritone, Miroku the bass, Sango the alto, Kagome the soprano, and Shippo, AKA creepy demon child, lacking the ability to whistle, was singing accompaniment to the retarded song that Kagome had taught them this morning.
"Well, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he works all night and he sleeps all day!"
"Way to go Shippo!" Said Kagome. "You're really getting those lyrics down pat!"
"No he isn't." Said Inuyasha, "he fucked up the last line wench. Didn't you hear him? He got it backwards. We should hire a new completely useless demon to follow us around, piss me off and eat our food." At these words, Shippo started to wail. He sobbed and sobbed and finally, Miroku stepped up to the plate.
"Shippo," He warned, "If you don't cease and desist all crying and whining, I'm going to kick you so hard in the groin that your testicles, despite the fact that they haven't dropped yet, will be jettisoned out through your nose." That sure shut him up.
Several hours later, the group was still marching down the road, though they were slightly less jovial.
"Inuyasha!" Sango complained, "Why did you have to throw Shippo so far?"
"Ahh, stop your bellyaching wench. I didn't throw him hard enough, considering what he tried to pull." Just before they'd stopped for lunch, Shippo had gotten the brilliant idea that it would be fun to crawl into Inuyasha's baggy hakama, and turn into a massive stone, crushing his testicles into dust. He had almost succeeded too, however he was thwarted by the unexpected size on Inuyasha's penis, as well as his apparent lack of any undergarments. The startled infant had hesitated, giving Inuyasha enough time to reach into his crotch and pull out the transformed Shippo. He them proceeded to spin his arm, gathering momentum, and then fire Shippo into the stratosphere.
"As a man, I can appreciate the gravity of the situation." Miroku explained, "Life without genitals… let's just say that suicide is a highly preferred option."
"Surely you jest good monk." Said Kagome. "Life is to grand and happiful to die. Even if I knew that I was never going to be able to have children, I would never abandon the hope that out there, somewhere, there is a person who won't judge me for what I am, or what I do or don't possess." After she was finished her speech, she looked around at the faces of her group. Everyone was staring at her. Everyone was laughing their asses off.
"Oh… my… God… Kagome, you actually believe in that fairy tale happy ending bullshit! That is sooooooo hysterical!" Miroku yelled as he tried to contain the raccous laughter bursting forth from deep within his bosom. Sango was slightly more composed than the rest of the group, managing to contain herself long enough to yell at Miroku for making Kagome feel bad.
"Miroku! Why would you say something like that? Now you've gone and made Kagome feel bad about herself and her beliefs, unrealistic and foolish as they may be."
"Yeah! That's my hobby! Go find your own!" Inuyasha screamed without realizing the consequences of his actions. Needless to say, said repercussions hit him with the force of a thousand rhinos. Literally.
"You… you… GOOSE! Rhinos! Attack him now! Devour his flesh!" Kagome screamed. And at her command, a crash of one thousand rhinos stormed down upon the hapless demon, who screamed like a small girl and ran as fast as he could towards the forest. Everyone knows rhinos are afraid of forests, they are natural enemies. Kagome however, was not going to give him a chance to get away.
"Sit!" She screamed, and the poor, poor demon fell flat on his face directly in the path of the charging crash.
"Kagome! Please stop! I didn't mean it! Oh God I'm gonna die!" Inuyasha yelled, just before the herd stampeded over him, crushing him into oblivion.
"INUYASHA!" Kagome screamed as she ran towards the cloud of dust that marked the path oif the herd. "Oh no! Inuyasha what have I done! I've killed you!" She screamed and wailed and cried to the heavens to be merciful and send her precious Inuyasha back to her. Then she heard a voice that signified the existence of miracles… or so she thought.
"Stop your screaming wench. I'm fine… ish."
"Oh Inuyasha," Kagome whispered. "I- what the hell?" She held up her hand, to reveal that it was covered in a shit-like substance of unknown origin. "Ewww… rhino dookie!" She said as she waved her hand in the air, attempting to dislodge the brown mass, and return her had to its former manicured glory.
"Hey wench! Get your hands off of my chest!" Inuyasha's voice roared.
"Your chest…?" Kagome questioned, "wha-? Oh my." The dust had cleared, and the group finally got a look at what remained of their leader. It was a pile of-
"Shit." Said Miroku.
"Crap." Said Sango.
"Inuyasha." Chorused Kagome.
"Is that the only word you know?" Asked Sango.
Sure enough, a pile of brown goo, was splattered across the terrain, it was lumpy, warm, and smelled strongly of… whatever Inuyasha ate last night. Miroku voiced what all in the immediate vicinity were thinking.
"Not to sound rude or anything Inuyasha, but WHAT THE HELL!"
"I've told you before that I'm half-shit." Inuyasha said.
"I thought that you just really, really, really hated your human form." Sango said, tapping her chin in bemusement.
"Oh no. I was serious the whole time. Apparently, my parents when straight from anal sex to vaginal sex, so when my they, ahem, created me, a little of my mom's ass-cream got thrown into the mix. I've known this for some time, but this form is like a last-ditch effort to stay alive. Even my demon form would have been killed in the stampede, so my shit powers activated. In this form I can sustain myself for as long as I need to regenerate my body. See, I can already feel some of my power returning. Hold on, I'll see if I can re-form… HRRGHK!" And with that last pained groan, a medium sized pile of the shit clumped together to form, an ass; which spewed out even more of the disgusting mix of ramen, raw meat, berries, and chocolate.
"Oh my God. Fucking hell! It won't stop! It's everywhere!" Inuyasha's voice wailed from deep within the ass' confines. The murky brown confection was just spewing out over and over again. Sometimes in spurts, like blood coming from a severed limb. Other times, it trickled out like diarrhea. (A/N: I realize this is really disgusting… but bear with me. I can't come up with good analogies when I'm not high.) Several hours later, the small separated piles of shit had been connected by the watery substance, and had begun to reform into the hanyou that they all knew and loved. After about an hour, Inuyasha stood and walked over to the rest of the group, a small, half-smile decorating one side of his face.
"Inuyasha!" Screamed Kagome, running over to him, arms spread wide for a hug.
"No, Kagome wait I'm not totally-"
Splut.
He was in piles again, and completely covering Kagome. And Sango. And Miroku. Kirara however, somehow managed to escape being covered. No one's quite sure how.
"Goddammit Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled. "Do you have any earthly idea how long it's going to take me to completely reconstruct my body this time? I'll tell you and save you the effort of thinking. A long fucking time!" Kagome, however, was not listening. She was too busy being horrified by the amount of Inuyasha/shit that was completely covering her body. "You know what else is funny wench?" Inuyasha continued. "The fact that you now have to lie in the shit-juice until I regenerate. Otherwise there will be pieces of me missing."
"Nooooo!" Kagome yelled. She was sorry. Wasn't that enough for him? "Wait," she said, "What about Sango and Miroku? They were covered in you as well." Miroku was peeling the mixture off of his features.
"Really Inuyasha. What part of you is this?"
"My pubes."
"… Oh my gentle Jesus." With that, Miroku proceeded to smash his head into the bole of a nearby tree until he passed out.
Sango immediately rushed over to her fallen love, and attempted to bring him back with CPR compressions. Miroku started twitching and shaking violently.
"Sango, what are you doing?" Inuyasha asked.
"I'm doing CPR. I don't know what it stands for, but Kagome taught it to me. It's supposed to bring back people who are freshly dead."
"Sango," Kagome commented, "CPR is for heart attacks. Miroku is having a seizure. All you're doing is making it worse by breaking all his ribs." Sango stopped as quickly as if she had been kicked in the teeth.
"Noooo! Why? Why would God torture me like this?" She screamed as she started flailing around.
----------------------------------- Several Hours Later--------------------------------
"Finally!" Inuyasha said as he stood, now fully formed once more. "Now, this time, to avoid any... unwanted outcomes, no one is to come into direct contact with me for the next twenty minutes." His cries went unheard, however, as the rest of the group sat about moping, and drowning their sorrows in cheap... very cheap... sake.
After nearly three hours and close to twelve bottles of sake, the group was finally drunk enough to forgive Inuyasha. In fact, they were drunk enough to apologize to HIM.
"-hic- Inuyasha... We're –hic- sorry that we've –hic- treated you so badly over the years..." Muttered Sango.
"Indee... -hic- in... indeed... -hic- Inuyasha... We –hic- ap...apo..apolij...We're sorry." Miroku said, tripping over words as he sought out another bottle of sake inside his robes, his badly damaged ribs had been wrapped by Sango after he stopped twitching..
"Oh look who's here!" yelled Shippo, who had been found wandering around in the dark about five feet away from their campsite. "It's mister I-don't-have-time-for-your-little-league-games! Well, whatta you care anyway!" His words were slurred, and it was obvious to all that the young fox was drunk as sin.
"Inuyasha!" Came Kagome's tearful voice from behind him, "Why do you close your eyes when we make love?" (A/N: o.O I read this out in English and my sister sitting beside me looked at her book for a second before her eyes did that and she yelled "WHAT! She's a yaoi fangirl... Then she got raped by headcrabs.) Inuyasha's eyes bugged out of his head.
"What the hell?" Exclaimed Inuyasha, rising from where he had been sitting, with a jug the size of the transformed Tetsusaiga in his hand. "Bitch, you been spreadin' lies about me hoe?" Then he collapsed under the weight of the jug. "Argh! Why is this sake so damn heavy?"
Oh yes. The nonsense continued long into the night. At some point, Kirara who had been standing guard over the unconscious humans heard a rustling in the bushes. She hurried over and saw one of her ant scouts informing her that Naraku and his forces were on the move, and without the help of her companions it was up to her and her alone to stop him. Kirara nodded once, before following the ant into the underbrush.
The next morning, Inuyasha was the first to rise from the bed of dead leaves and twigs he had been dragged onto while he slept.
"Oh Christ!" Inuyasha moaned. "My head hurts like a sonofabitch! How can you humans ENJOY this!"
Sango awoke to the sound of his complaints, and was soon grasping her temples in immense pain.
"MI-RO-KU! What the HELL happened last night? My fucking head… Oh shit…" she quickly hurried off into the bushes, where she proceeded to expel the contents of her stomach.
"Shut… up wench…" Came Inuyasha's voice from the pile of compost he had used for a bed. "My head… why in the HELL did I agree to drink with you people? Alcohol is hazardous to my health."
"He's absolutely right kids," came a voice from behind them, "'Cause when you drink, nobody wins. In fact in the year 2000 alone there were over 85,000 deaths in America due to the over consumption of alcohol."
"Now we know!" Came Shippo's voice from where he and Kagome were curled up on the ground.
"And knowing is half the battle." Said the mysterious stranger. (A/N: Cue cheesy G.I. Joe theme music.)
"Wait a minute!" Said Inuyasha. "Just who the hell are you… and why are you preaching about alcohol… and where the hell are my pants?"
Miroku, now fully awake, also had some questions for the mysterious man in green patterned clothes. "Yes, what is this 'Amerika' of which you speak… and Inuyasha, your pants are in that tree," He pointed to a large fir tree that, sure enough, had Inuyasha's baggy hakama hanging from a branch. "I'm pretty sure they got lodged up there when you joined us in the glorious state of inebriation last night." Inuyasha was quickly gone and back, his pants returned to their place of former glory.
By this time, Kagome and Shippo were up, and also depositing their stomach mucus into the bushes alongside Sango.
"This is horrible… Why would sake betray me like this?" Said Miroku, as he also attempted to keep his stomach content regulated.
"This… is all your fault Miroku…" Sango said, as she slumped to the ground. "When I can move my legs again, you are NEVER going to have children…"
"Ugh… tell me that again when I can muster up the energy to care, Sango." Miroku muttered.
"Guys, I have the solution! The power of pink will save us!" Kagome cried as she held forth a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. "She laded a portion out for everybody, and within an hour everyone had ceased their retching and they were almost able to function as regular human beings. It was at this point that Kirara, bloodstained, battered and bruised, came limping back into the campsite through the bushes. She brought with her the head of Naraku, their great enemy. Obviously, the group was greatly surprised by this. They had fought tooth and nail for years against this fiend, only to have him killed one night by the (they supposed) second weakest member of their party. They all crowded around Kirara, petting her fur and telling her what a good job she had done. Miroku nearly cried out of relief when he removed his prayer beads and was shown a completely normal human hand, without a blemish or miniature black hole in sight. That night, partying ensued, somehow, Miroku managed to procure even more of that horrible sake, and the group was smashed once more. The next morning, they awoke on an island in the Atlantic Ocean, surrounded by savages who had gotten their hands on the bad sake.
"You know what? This place is very different from Japan." Said Miroku.
"You're right Miroku… This is an Island in the Atlantic Ocean directly beside England. We must be the first intelligent beings in this place." Kagome said, reciting what it had said in her World History textbook.
"This place needs a name." Said Inuyasha. "A name that brings fear to all who would oppose it. Something like… SWAZILAND!" A chorus of "NO!" greeted this suggestion, sufficiently strangling the creativity that had been pouring out of Inuyasha the moment before.
"I vote, and I know that I will win since I know the name that this Island has in the future. I suggest the name… IRELAND!"
"Ireland it is. Now, we need a new name for this bad sake… It was pretty cheap… and it got us drunk pretty quick… How about whiskey?
"Whiskey sounds like a grand name… now all we must do is create a retarded language, and speak in a funny accent for the rest of out lives!"
"YEAH!" Came the cries from around the campfire, as the group of five and their big cat set about making Ireland the liquor producing capitol of the world.
------------------------------------ Meanwhile, in Japan ---------------------------
"Kukukuku… Those fools have no idea that I can transfer my soul to a new body… Well, time to open the ol' peepers and see what I've ended up as." When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a pair of segmented feelers in front of his face, and a pair of pincers on each side of his mouth. "Wha- what is this? No…No… NOOOO!" He was an ant. An ant QUEEN to be precise, and even now, males were approaching him, anticipating the events to come.
That's it. The end. Review please!