This is part two of the story Strike Force. The boys have traveled to our planet in hopes of talking to the moderator of one of the biggest online fan fiction websites to present their demands. This part follows right behind part 1. One week later. SO I bring to you part 2 of …
STRIKE FORCE
From: sexypadawankenobijedi.tmp
To: fanfictionactorsmailjedi.tmp; fan-fictionactorsmailinglistdarkside.emp
CC: trolljedimasterjedi.tmp; macemasterjedi.tmp
Subject: Arrival
Well, things could have gone better, but at least no one is dead. Unless, of course, Master Jinn receives this email, in which case, you can remove me from the plaintiffs, as Qui will probably kill me. He has already threatened my life if I laugh once more time. He said, and I quote, 'If I hear one more chuckle from you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'll leave you to the mercy of your worst authors, see if I don't.
No contact was made with the Sith Mistresses…err…I mean, earth's authors, as Qui-Gon's odor might be found…offensive. And I wouldn't blame them if they did. I can't get far enough or stay away long enough to breathe without difficulty. Although I must admit it might be a fantastic idea. There will be more Qui torture and less Obi angst. Unless the authors choose to maim or kill me just to torture him. Maybe this time he'll learn, because Master Jinn's affection for pathetic life forms has finally backfired upon him.
Mace, look up skunk in the databank. Not that a picture will allow you to grasp the situation fully. Think Yoda and Yaddle's swampy quarters in the summer after two weeks of heat. Whew! Qui-Gon felt so badly, he went off to retrieve the animal. I wonder if he would have been so worried if he had known then what he knows now.
I tried to warn him! But the blockhead wouldn't listen to me. I went so far as to follow him off the ship. But before my feet touched dirt, several girls screaming something about locking me in their closet, attacked me. Many of them were chanting the name Ewan McGregor. There were other things too scary to recount, and I would prefer none of the authors hear and use the suggestions.
It took me 6 hours to get away. Qui-Gon had plenty of time to upset the animal that unleashed the foulest stench I have ever smelled. How many times do you have to tell a grown man not to touch everything he sees? I swear if the authors don't kill me then Qui-Gon will. He was fuming inside the ship, yelling something about it stinging.
I finally managed to calm him and suggested a shower, but the stench merely intensified. Qui-Gon is now trying to deodorize himself, while I write the report so we can meet the fan fiction representative tomorrow at three, which I rescheduled to. Hopefully things will get better. Until then, I'm focusing on breathing through my mouth and locking all the doors to keep out the fans. This is what you call a rock and a hard place.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
To: fanfictionactorsmailinglistjedi.tmp
From: forcemasterjinnjedi.tmp
Subject: Arrival on this backwater rock
Members! If I had the Force here on this forsaken rock, I think I would give you a massive mind whammy. Not only have you stuck me on this …this rejected planet, but you have cursed me as well. It's so backward that when I tried to help a frightened creature it turned against me. And NOW, I can't get rid of this horrible stench.
There are times I'm glad when we are done with a story. Obi-Wan can revert back to the Padawan version, and I have the braid I can yank on. I'm seriously thinking about dragging him down the ramp by his braid and giving him to that massive group of girls who have decided to camp outside our tent if he laughs at me once more. On the plus side, we won't have to worry about more skunks.
I'm going to do some research while we wait. There is no way I can sleep reeking as I do. I hope to find an author who can help us persuade her colleagues. We need help.
Well, that's all for now unless you want to listen to me complain about the smell. I will send an update as soon as we know something.
QG Jinn
From: hornedandtattooeddarkside.emp
To: forcemasterjinnjedi.tmp
CC: fan-fictionactorsmailinglistdarkside.emp; fanfictionactorsmailjedi.tmp
Subject: RE: RE Assembly
Qui-Gon,
I wasn't there in time to submit my demand with the rest due to the fact I was in the medical ward being sewn back together. The healers are funny in the respect that they won't let injured men walk around or use COMM terminals.
The precious Obi-Wan Kenobi is not the only one that gets tortured. How do you think being cut in half about 50,000 times feels? I can guarantee a lesser man would crumble. So this brings me to my request.
I want more stories, where I am not cut in half, maybe a bunch where I have a change of heart and live happily ever after. I'm not a bad guy, just judged by my body art. It's a case of total discrimination.
Maul
From: forcemasterjinnJedi.tmp
To: fanfictionactorsmailjedi.tmp; fan-fictionactorsmailinglistdarkside.emp
Subject: Assistance Required
To the authoress at this email address: My name is Qui-Gon Jinn. I'm sure you know me, since most of your stories are centered on me. I think I have may have met you once or twice.
I am contacting you for a specific reason. My Padawan and I have come here as representatives of fan fiction actors. If our demands are not met, a strike will become imminent. I am sure you have heard about it. My apprentice and I will be meeting with the Storyteller's spokesperson tomorrow. We would like a delegate more inclined to our side of the argument to appear. You could help us with matters concerning the websites and writing and other things where we may not have a firm grasp.
As you seem to be one of the few who restricts yourself to harming only your own made up characters, we wondered if perhaps you would be willing to assist us? Please respond promptly, as the meeting is at three.
P.S. Do you know a good remedy for skunk spraying?
Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn
From: deepbreatherdarkside.emp
To: hornedandtatooeddarkside.emp
Subject: What a bantha head
Maul you WUSS! I lost both arms and legs, and my wife and unborn children. And you don't hear me complaining, do you? And for the record Loser, you represent the darkside. You can't have a change of heart and leave the Sith.
You are recruited for life and death…live with it.
Vader LORD of the SITH
From: MasterSithoftheUniversedarkside.emp
To: sexypadawankenobijedi.tmp
Subject: RE Arrival
Kenobi! I swear, you use the word sith with such a blatant disregard just to frustrate me. How many times have I told you, the name Sith is just as important as the name Jedi. I have never used the name Jedi as a curse word. I would appreciate if you didn't use Sith in those terms either.
While we are on the subject, please add my request to the list. Quit using Sith in any other way than describing that perfect order to which I belong. It has been around longer than the Jedi. You're just the popular ones. I have foreseen my will coming to pass; after all, I keep getting Anakin in all of the stories.
By the way if that authoress Qui-Gon has contacted continues to call me Palpy, I will fry her hard drive with my lighting. Then she can suffer writer's block with no way to cure it.
SUPREME CHANCELLOR PALPATINE (the immortal)
Imperial City, Coruscant
From: To: RE: Assistance Required
Ha-Ha Peggy! Very funny! As if I would believe that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan came to Earth and there is going to be a strike. You thought by getting an email address with Qui-Gon's name on it, my liking for the old Master would cause me to believe?
NOT! Try again, next time make it more believable.
By the way how is the website coming?
Saber's
(me)
From: trolljedimasterjedi.tmp
To: forcemasterjinnjedi.tmp; sexypadawankenobijedi.tmp
CC: fanfictionactorsmailjedi.tmp; fan-fictionactorsmailinglistdarkside.emp
Subject: RE Arrival
Kenobi
Stink our quarters do not. Smell deliberately like that it does. Spend lots of time on it Yaddle does.
Tell Qui-Gon many times I have. Keep hands to himself he should. Listen to me he does not.
Qui-Gon, quit complaining you will. Do your job you must. Convince earth's authors you cannot if whining you are. Touch more earth creatures you will not. Good idea it is to get an author on your side it is.
Yoda
Oldest Living Jedi
Jedi Temple level 3 quarters 154
From: macemasterjedi.tmp
To: forcemasterjinnjedi.tmp; sexypadawankenobijedi.tmp
CC: fanfictionactorsmailjedi.tmp; fan-fictionactorsmailinglistdarkside.emp
BCC: trolljedimasterjedi.tmp
I looked up skunk in the database and I have a fair idea of what you're talking about. The Force must be with you…or maybe it has finally abandoned you. Either way Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'm glad you went and not me.
So who is this Ewan McGregor these earth females have mistaken you for? And do you truly hate it as much as you claim?
BTW where are the promised pictures of this planet? Everyone including the Sith are curious. I have to keep changing the password on my COMM terminal because Anakin keeps hacking into it to see the pics.
As for Qui-Gon being stubborn…don't I know it? There is a reason the majority of fan fiction authors nicknamed him bucket head.
Qui-Gon …the databank suggests something called tomato juice to help with the putrid odor. Also you and Yoda are right when you said you needed help. I think it's a good idea to get some of the writers involved on our side. I'm surprised you thought of it … maybe skunk is good for your brain my friend. But what about your ego… you have to pick an authoress who uses only you as the main character. You don't have an ego problem do you?
M. Windu
P.S. Don't just know the Force. Use it to kick some darkside butt. Mace Windu.
From: RE: RE: Assistance Required
What on earth are you talking about? Have you lost it totally? Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan come to earth and you think I started the rumor. NO! Not even. And even if I did, I wouldn't talk about the old geezer. Maybe Jacinta sent it. You know how she likes a good joke.
As for the website… I'm pretty happy with how it's coming along. I even got authors pages. Check it out and see what you think. www.ajourneythrough. :D
From: forcemasterjinnjedi.tmp
To: fanfictionactorsmailjedi.tmp; fan-fictionactorsmailinglistdarkside.emp
CC: trolljedimasterjedi.tmp; macemasterjedi.tmp
Subject: Problems
Expect some delays in getting our demands heard. The authoress I contacted earlier tonight doesn't believe that we're real. She is of the opinion one of her friends made us up as a joke. If I can't get her to believe that we are here, then how are we expected to make the moderator of Storytellers believe?
I was talking to Obi-Wan and he agrees that the best idea is to bring down the server early to show them that we mean business. They have a term here on earth, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." I'm inclined to agree. Our stick is the ability to use the Force. I am making a motion to crash the hard drive. All in favor send an email to Yoda or Palpy.
I'm going to try to make contact one more time.
On a second note Maul, I will do my best to have your request heard, but I don't think it will do much good. These earth authoresses are even more aggressive about the body art and your appearance as Villain. You have to admit you're not exactly the man I would trust with my life. Speaking of your request do you think you can use a little less glee next time when you skewer me?
QG Jinn