Why Should It Matter?
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Chapter Two: Cracking Under Pressure
Remus sat in Harry's room, not moving nor thinking. He was simply stunned on why Harry hadn't tried to reach them; after all, Hedwig was right in the bedroom with him. There seemed as if there was no excuse, but he would soon find out why. It was nearly twelve hours since he had taken Harry out his aunt and uncle's house. Remus didn't sleep at all, believing that Harry might need him. The werewolf sat still, thinking about everything that had happened since June and even what happened in June on that life-changing day. The day where Harry was ripped apart, the day Harry lost his godfather. That was also the day Remus lost his last best friend. Remus couldn't help but feel like there was a gaping hole in his heart; he was basically alone. There was always Harry to remind him of his best friends, but it wasn't the same. Now, he needed to take care of Harry, no matter what the consequences might be.
"The problem is I've already failed you. I should have come earlier to get you, not wait until after your birthday." Remus said quietly to the sleeping Harry, whose face was stricken with pain. A gentle knock came and Remus averted his attention to the door. It opened slowly and Hermione walked in. The female Gryffindor had already been in the room several times, showing great concern for Harry's overall welfare. Hermione was the only one that was coming to give Remus company during the night.
"I see he's still sleeping," she said softly to the werewolf, who sat quietly at the bedside. Remus nodded. Hermione could see the doubt on his face. "Remus, he's going to be fine. You don't need to worry so much."
"I know he'll be fine, but I should have gotten him sooner." There was great amount of guilt looming inside of the former Professor. He kept putting off the day that he went to get Harry.
"You can't blame yourself, you had no way to know that this was happening to him," said Hermione, who sat in the chair next to Remus.
"So, then you're saying that we should blame Harry for everything that happened?" Remus said, lost in a deep daze. Hermione stared at him incredulously, but she ignored what he actually said, deciding that he wasn't thinking clearly.
"No, we don't blame Harry; we blame his uncle and aunt for the things that happened. None of us are to blame for the events that happened to Harry." Hermione said quietly, trying hard not to raise her voice. She didn't want to wake Harry, he looked like he needed to sleep for a hundred years and that might not be enough. Even though she didn't say it, there was one person in Hermione's opinion, who should've taken a partial blame for the things that happened to Harry. Dumbledore seemed to have started to care less about Harry. Hermione could see the lack of concern, or was that another cover to hide numerous things. It appeared as if Dumbledore always had something up his sleeve, regardless of who it would hurt. She remembered when Dumbledore told them about the prophecy. They were all sworn not to mention that they knew of it to Harry, but it made Hermione furious. Dumbledore should have warned him, but now it was too late. The damage was done and nothing was going to fix that.
Hermione glanced at Remus with a look of worry about her. Harry was the last thing that the werewolf had. A gentle moaning came from Harry, who began to stir. His green eyes, which seemed to have lost their brilliance, flickered open.
Once Harry saw Remus and Hermione, he re-closed his eyes. Bitter emotions flooded his heart, all wishing that he would have died the night before. So many things flowed through his mind. None of them were joyful for the fact that he was alive. What was the point in living?
Hermione immediately noticed the way Harry was acting; it was odd in her opinion.
There was a definite difference in the-boy-who-lived, something that Hermione sensed as something deeper than bruised skin. She wanted to talk to him by herself, but the chance of Remus ever letting him out of his sight was slim to none. Hermione didn't want to bring anything up. Although, Harry's behavior was slightly dodgy, the fact that Harry's eyes had opened seemed to have restored Remus' common sense. She would keep quiet on the matter until she could speak to Harry.
Harry opened his eyes, keeping them open this time. Hermione looked into his eyes and saw nothing. No love, no feelings, just a blank, dead pair of eyes. When she looked closer, she could see faint strands of anger and fear, but other than that, Harry was nothing. Hermione could see him trying to attempt to smile for her and Remus's sake, but it wasn't in him. Certain emotions didn't exist and Hermione was aching to know why. The silence that was in bedroom continued to intensify with seconds ticking away as if they were years. That was the way the three stayed until loud noise was heard from outside of the bedroom door.
Harry groaned, throwing his hands over his face.
"I'm going to check out what that noise was." Remus said, standing up and walking over to the door. He left Hermione and Harry alone in the room.
"I thought that he would never leave," Harry said bitterly. Hermione was positive from that point that Harry was someone different, definitely not the same person that had departed from King Cross Station in June.
"I'm sure that if you tell him you want some alone time, he will leave you alone." Hermione said quietly, after thinking of what she should actually say.
"That would hurt his feelings; I can't stand to see grown men cry." Harry paused before continuing. "I mean, I am grateful that he came for me, but I don't want to be bugged about everything, every damn time I wake up." Hermione nodded, understanding what Harry meant. Who would want that?
"Do you want me to go? I could tell Remus that you want some alone time." Hermione really didn't want to be burden upon Harry.
"No, you can stay." There was a simple innocence in his voice, the voice of someone lost.
'Go figure, Harry was finally lost.' She continued to study him before he spoke again.
"I just don't know anymore." There was definitely a lack of emotion in his voice. "Many people are depending on me to do so many things. Save the wizarding world, Harry. Kill Voldemort, Harry. You aren't trying hard enough, Harry. Everything revolves around me. Everyone wants me to do everything. What if I don't want to? What if I just want to leave? No one cares about me, only if I save the world. I just can't handle it anymore. Hermione, I'm going to lose it." He was trembling, breaking under the weight of the world that everyone was expecting him to save. Hermione got off of her chair and sat down beside Harry on the bed. He plopped his head down on her shoulder. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders, having him jump slightly from her gentle touch.
"Sorry about that," Hermione said soothingly, still trying to comfort her best friend.
"It's okay." His voice quivered, almost as if he was going to cry. Seeing Harry like this broke her heart. Having him so vulnerable made Hermione feel for him. The one who was constantly strong was breaking down and there seemed to be no way to stop it. "Hermione?"
"Yes?"
"I want the pain to end. I want everything to fine again, but I'm thinking that it never will. For once, I want to be normal and not have all of this agony flowing through my body. I hate feeling so defenseless, so unable to fix everything that's wrong. Is that too much to ask?"
"No, it isn't," Hermione said quietly. There was a desperate feeling growing inside of Hermione, she wanted to fix his problems. Harry was her best friend and she wanted to be able help with what he was going through. Although she didn't know how that was going to happen, Hermione was dead set on helping him. Tears began to bead up in her eyes. Everything was overwhelming in this situation.
Harry sighed, trembling slightly. "Sometimes, I just wish I would have died as a baby. Screw it all. I just wish that Voldemort's Avada Kedavra would have killed me." With that, tears escaped his depressing green eyes.
"Oh Harry." That was probably the most negative thing that Hermione had ever heard in her entire life. She gently pulled him into a hug making sure not to aggravate his injuries. "I'm glad that you lived all those years ago. You're my best friend and without you, life would have been extremely dull." He laughed lightly.
"Yeah and less dangerous."
"Well, with danger came fun." He laughed a bit harder that time. "Yes Harry, it was fun getting chased by Death Eaters and almost get killed by a chess set."
"Thanks, Hermione. I really needed some laughter." He said as he pulled away from her. A small smile laid upon his lips, something that Hermione was waiting to see.
"Your welcome, Harry. Remember, if you ever need to talk, know that I'm here for you. I won't tell anyone anything." He nodded, staring deeply into Hermione's eyes.
He could feel her warmth flow into his own cold eyes. He wiped the tears from his cheeks before lying down on the bed. "I know. You're a great friend, Hermione. What would I do without you?"
"Most likely fail Hogwarts," she smiled sarcastically at his reaction.
"Yeah, true." He said, closing his eyes. Hermione began to run her hand through his hair, feeling how soft it actually was. A sweet smile spread across Harry's lips.
"I haven't had anyone ever do that," he said in a sleepy voice. "Feels nice." Hermione blushed slightly and stopped. "No, don't stop. It's helping me fall asleep, I need to sleep. I just feel weak." His random babbling continued on quietly.
"Okay. You look like you need to sleep like a month." Harry nodded, coughing slightly.
"Yes, I really do."
"Shh . . ." She said softly, trying to get her best friend to go to sleep. Hermione always felt like the mother out of the group of her friends; always making sure that no one ever got hurt. The Gryffindor felt like it was her duty. When she heard Harry snoring lightly, she got off of the bed and walked over to the door. There was no need for anyone to watch Harry sleep; he was going to be all right in the end, even if the end wasn't for a long time.
Hermione walked into the kitchen to find Remus drinking a cup of coffee. She sat across from him, laying her head down on the table.
"I figured that I would give you some time to talk to him." Remus said, looking over at Hermione. She looked up at him. "After all, it didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me very much." With his strong perceptive skills, he had picked up Harry's feelings toward him. Hermione tried to think of something to say, but the words didn't sound right.
"It wasn't so much that he didn't, Remus. He just wanted some alone time. Harry isn't himself at the moment. He needs to time to straighten things out, without people constantly watching him." Hermione said softly, hoping that another soul would not hear her.
"However, he did talk to you." Remus said in a slightly disappointed voice. "Can you tell me why he chose you over me?"
"I don't know, maybe it has to do with the fact that I am someone his age. Also maybe because I am his best friend and you are an adult."
"Could be," Remus said, before picking up the Daily Prophet. He began to scan the pages and ignoring Hermione, so she walked away from the table and up to Ron's room. She knocked lightly on the door, just in case he wasn't awake yet.
"Come in." Ron's voice sounded unusually chipper that morning, but Hermione simply shrugged it off. She walked in and closed the door behind her.
"Good morning."
"How's Harry doing?" Ron asked as Hermione sat down beside him. She honestly was getting quite tired with Ron already this summer. She could have said, ask him yourself, but she didn't feel like being rude to Ron. But yet again, she didn't know what to tell him. What could she possible say? 'Ron, Harry has gone mental and wants to die.'
"I don't know how to explain this." She took a deep breath before telling Ron what she thought she should. "Ron, Harry is quite depressed; he is going to need some time alone. With those beatings and losing Sirius, he's extremely lost."
"Do you think he is going to be okay?"
"He will in time, but right now, he is extremely depressed." Ron nodded, knowing what Hermione was talking about. "There are so many things that he is going to have to deal with. And we are going to have to be there for him, whether he knows it or not."
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