Why Should It Matter?
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Chapter Eight
A simple silence rose around the open field. The sun sat high in the sky, basking upon the earth with vengeance. Heat was penetrating through everything that dared to sit out in the humid air. The only sanctuary that could be found was a large maple tree that seemed to reduce the heat immensely. Leaning against the tree, the blacked haired boy sighed, closing his eyes slowly. The mugginess made him lethargic, but he welcomed the opportunity for sleep.
It had been nearly three full weeks since Harry arrived to 12 Grimmauld Place a weakened form of himself; and to the occasional bystander, he was absolutely fine now. He, himself, even thought that everything was perfect again. However, Hermione still feeling skeptical, noticed an odd quietness that Harry held. Ever since the day when Snape paid a visit, Harry had stopped thinking suicidal and harming himself. Hermione was overjoyed for that fact, but an oddness to the whole situation remained. She stared at her companion frequently, looking up from her advance potions book. Harry may have not been thinking suicidal, but something much deeper still loomed with in the Boy-Who-Lived and Hermione was aching to find out what. Returning her attention back to her text, Hermione ignored the gentle buzzing of a honey bee flying near by. She was glad for the opportunity to escape from Grimmauld Place for a while though. Being locked up day after day in that musty old house brought for sour moods.
"Hermione, are you going to read all day long?" Ron called from about one hundred meters away. He, George, and Fred were testing out prototypes for new items that George and Fred were hoping to add to their joke shop. Their business was absolutely booming, which made Mrs. Weasley a little more at ease with the idea of them quitting Hogwarts before graduating.
"I would rather read something than get blown up by you and your crazy brothers." She said with a wide smile.
"Ronnikins, leave Hermione alone." George called out.
"After all, she needs to be with her boyfriend constantly." Fred voiced after George's statement.
"We're definitely expecting a wedding invitation any day now!" They said in unison, causing Hermione to blush slightly. If only they knew the reason she never left Harry's side.
"Think what you want, but I feel relatively safe over here."
"Suit yourself." Ron hollered back, going back to where the explosions where beginning to happen. Hermione rolled her eyes sardonically and turned her attention back to her potions book. 'So many potions, so little time.' Hermione thought with a smile. After buying that potions book over the summer, Hermione really started to appreciate the true art of potions, even if Snape happened to be the potions master. She looked up from reading after another ten minutes, looking over at Harry again. His head was lolled to the side as he snored lightly. Hermione had to admit she was starting to have a thing for her best friend, but she wouldn't try to pursue anything without being a hundred percent sure of Harry's mental health first. After another two minutes, a loud, booming explosion was heard in the direction where the three Weasley boys where trying things out. Hermione quickly looked over her shoulder in panic, expecting them to being blown to pieces, but instead, they were standing up, whooping at the efforts of the last item.
"They make an awful lot of commotion, don't they?" Hermione jumped at the voice. She turned around to see Harry, blinking the sleep out his eyes.
"They sure do." She replied, not knowing of anything else she could have possible said in that situation. Harry was smiling at Hermione, giving her a frivolous feeling inside. She couldn't resist his charisma, even when she was trying to.
"Why aren't you joining their efforts to blow up the neighbor?"
"Because I don't find getting blown up exhilarating. Besides, this book is fascinating in itself." Hermione answered quickly. She always seemed to act on edge when speaking with Harry and he noticed it.
"You don't need to be so tensed around me; I'm not going to do anything stupid." His eyes were laden in a serious state that only Harry could portray.
"I'm not tense." Hermione muttered, trying to relax more. However, she couldn't help always feeling apprehensive. He had just been suicidal and suddenly everything disappeared.
"You're a terrible liar, but I'll pretend like I believe you." He replied sarcastically, slouching down further against the maple.
"Honestly Harry, for about a week you were harming yourself and you think that I can just forget about that?" Her tone was gentle, but there was a slight impatience to it.
Harry rolled his eyes. "You're never going to let me forget about that are you?"
Hermione was flabbergasted at that point. "Harry, it was serious! You could have seriously harmed yourself, you could've died."
"But I didn't, so just drop it!" Hermione stared into Harry's eyes. His emerald green eyes looked ablaze, containing an anger that Hermione had never seen before. His facial features were tense, adding more to the overall effect of bitterness.
"Fine, I'll drop it, but the next time you want someone to talk to, you can forget about me!" Hermione shouted and ran off away from the tree. The heat hit her instantly making her feel fatigue, but this didn't stop her running. The large field was only about a mile away the Order of the Phoenix Headquarters, so she ran until she reached the street. Once near the headquarters, she slowed her pace and walked up to where the house appeared and she walked in. The coolness of the dark house met Hermione immediately. She felt foolish, used, and confused. Feeling parched; she walked into the kitchen, got some water, and walked off to her room with it. Drinking the water slowly, Hermione thanked God that school would be starting in nearly a week. Going into her bedroom, she flopped down on the bed, letting her hair fly wildly. Her mind was contorted with thoughts of confusion mostly. Harry was definitely trying to forget everything that happened to him, but Hermione didn't think that was the wisest choice. Without being dedicated to getting well and learning from his mistakes, Hermione was almost positive that a relapse would occur. 'But I don't need to worry about that; Harry will never talk to me about anything again!' She closed her eyes tightly, letting colors flash in front of her eyes rapidly. Those color eventually formed Harry angered face. 'He had never shown so much irritation toward me before.' She recalled mentally, even though she tried to push that mental image away. 'It'll be tough, but I'll need to just deal with the fact that I may have lost one of my best friend forever.'
-ooo-
The fire blazed deeply for mere minutes, only to be put out by reality's harsh blast of cold. Harry stared numbly at where Hermione had previously sat, letting her words bury him completely. "But the next time you need someone to talk to, you can forget about me!" He repeated unconsciously. There was something about those words that brought forth a teeth-chattering chill into Harry's spine. He couldn't explain why he suddenly felt alone even with Ron and his brothers only meters away. He felt foolish, realizing that he was overreacting about Hermione questioning his mental health, but he felt as if she should believe everything that he told her. If he said he was fine, Hermione should openly believe that he was. 'But you're not really fine; you just want everyone to believe that you are. You're so good at convincing everyone, you've even fooled yourself into believing it.' A small voice within his head whispered viciously. He pushed the voice away, ignoring its warning and general nature.
"Harry." Harry looked up to see Ron standing a meter away from him. "We're going to start heading back, are you going to come?" Harry nodded and stood up. "Where's Hermione?"
"She took off about twenty minutes ago. I gather that she went back to the house."
"Oh, alright then." Ron said, as he and Harry started walking side by side. There was an uneasy silence brewing for a few minutes before Ron piped up again. "What's going on between you and Hermione?"
"Nothing's going on between the two of us." Harry replied flatly, not really having a profound desire to discuss Hermione.
"You two sure don't act like there's nothing. You're always together."
"That doesn't mean anything at all. Beside, ever since I started sharing a room with you, I haven't been talking with Hermione quite as much." Harry didn't really want to tell Ron why he and Hermione had been so close, so he tried frantically to kill the subject. "Did your brothers find anything interesting in their experiments?"
"Yes, fact we did, Harry. Very interesting findings, especially with anything that explodes." Fred said, strolling up to the left side of Harry.
"Maybe we'll show you some of them before you and Ron go back to Hogwarts." George said getting on Harry's other side, pushing Ron out of the way. After that, no one said a word. It was a welcomed silence to Harry. With all of his thoughts banging around and people talking to him, he could barely hold them straight. Once they finished the mile walk back to the house, they entered and dispersed throughout the house. Ron and Harry went up to their room, not saying anything the entire way.
"Ron?" Harry asked as they reached the bedroom, "Have you ever made a mistake so horrible that it haunts you constantly and not even the closest people to you can forgive you for it?"
Ron stared at Harry bewildered; he couldn't understand what Harry was trying to get at. "What are you talking about? I'm lost!"
"Have you ever done something that no one could forget? Something that caused pain to people that you love?" Harry said, trying to make his point clearer. "I don't think so, why?"
"No reason, just trying to straight out some thoughts that are bouncing around." He tried to conceal what he was really thinking. "I was just thinking about people that do something and no one forgives them for it."
"Well those people need to understand that sometimes people can break and fall apart even when it's not always obvious. When this does happen, a person can be left scarred. I guess that people that love that certain person wouldn't want anything wrong to come to him." Harry nearly died of shock listening to Ron talk. He never knew Ron to be that insightful.
"That makes a lot of sense." A passionate and powerful group of thoughts rose within Harry. Hermione cared so much about him because as he was falling apart and she was going down with him. Hermione couldn't stand to see him break which in the end caused her to have problems. He understood that much, but he couldn't understand why she was afraid still. He didn't have any problems. Although his problems seemed to have vanished, his future still seemed incredibly dim. There didn't seem like there was anywhere to go. He felt like he was being ripped apart just because he didn't see a clear path through to the future. Throwing himself down upon his bed, Harry stared up at the blinding white ceiling, reliving everything he could remember about the interactions of himself and Hermione since he had arrived to 12 Grimmauld Place. She had been the only there for him, the only one that he could honestly trust without a second thought. He realized at the point that he made a slight mistake. Harry had ignored everything that Hermione was doing for him, taking advantage of every single thing she was doing for him. Frowning, Harry rolled over onto his side, staring at the wall next to his bed. 'I disregarded everything because I wanted to think that everything was alright. With ignoring her help, I could go on believing everything would be just fine.' He sighed; he knew that he was in the wrong in this situation. The only problem that was now presented was the fact that Hermione didn't want to talk to him about his problems and probably didn't want to talk to him period. 'I'll fix it later!'
-ooo-
Excitement flourished as the morning of September first came around. Only one person couldn't sleep however. After avoiding Harry that entire week, Hermione was glad to be going back to Hogwarts. Even though they would share classes, a common room, and many similar friends, she was almost positive that she could avoid him for most of the year. She felt silly, even childish for trying to avoid Harry, but she couldn't explain why was choosing to do so. Watching the sun gently shine through the bedroom window, Hermione sat up. Ginny was still sleeping so Hermione decided to make her moves as soundless as possible. She had noticed a slight difference in Ginny's behavior and actions over the summer and hoped it was nothing but stress from the youngest Weasley child. Stretching out, Hermione felt something jump up on the bed. Her beloved cat, Crookshanks was now sitting beside her. She scooped him up into her arms and petted his ginger-colored coat. He purred gratefully and Hermione continued. It was going to be a year of change and Hermione could feel it within herself. There were going to many things that would render differently, but there was nothing that could control it. Hearing a gentle rapping at the bedroom, Hermione grabbed Crookshanks into her arms and walked over to the door. She opened it to see Harry standing on the other side.
"I thought that we should talk." He whispered, not knowing if Ginny was up or not.
"We have nothing to discuss." She answered back, starting to close the door in his face.
"Hermione, just hear me out!" She didn't stop closing the door, it continued to shut slowly. "You're being absolutely childish about this entire thing!" His voice was a tad bit louder. The door stopped closing and swung open.
"I'm being childish? What about you? Trying to forget everything that happened and acting as if nothing happened! I think that you should be more concerned about yourself acting childish, instead of me!" Her face was flustered with anger and confusion.
"Is it a crime to want to forget the past?" He asked. His eyes were mournfully set. Hermione knew that Harry had every right to want to forget the past, a past that did nothing but torture him and tear him apart.
"It's not a crime, but there are punishments associated with forgetting everything. Do you honestly want to forget everything, only to have your problems return with vengeance?" Harry didn't answer nor did he shake his head, but Hermione could see that he was considering every word that was passing her lips. "Harry, I worried about you for that entire time. I never left your side and with good reason of course. But to have you want to forget everything makes me feel worthless. With forgetting everything, you would also be forgetting that I helped you out." She paused, remaining strong even if she wanted to break. "And if you want to disregard my help, you should disregard our friendship as well." With that she closed the door quickly, not wanting to look at Harry any longer. With that, hot tears slid down her cheeks. She was sure that she just ended one of the best friendships that she had ever had. Feeling worthless, Hermione started to pack her things into her trunk. She didn't want to think about Harry any longer and she hoped that packing would be a simple solution. However, it wasn't and all she could think about was Harry and how she possibly caused him only more trouble and problems.
-ooo-
Pain and hurt was tabulating quicker and faster than it ever had. The world that had seemed to regain its strength and wonder was losing it sooner than it should have. The unconscious need to feel alive was lit once more and this time nothing was going to stop it, nothing! Harry walked back to the room he shared with Ron in a daze. All the while the nagging voice had returned once more. 'USE THE BLADE, HARRY! IT'LL NEVER BETRAY YOU LIKE HERMIONE DID! NEVER!' It seemed like such a truthful statement and never before did Harry believe his unconscious mind more. Harry quickly slipped back into his room, noticing Ron was still sleeping. Walking over to his trunk, he pulled out his blade, quickly exiting the room. Dashing to the bathroom, Harry closed the door behind him softly; he didn't need to attract any attention to what he was doing. Pulling up his sleeve, he looked at his damaged flesh. The white scars ran skewed and almost caused Harry to snap out of his dreamlike state, but the fear and confusion that distorted his mind were much stronger. Staring at his dagger, he slowly lowered the tip of the blade to his flesh, feeling the coolness that always accompanied his most valuable possession. Pressing down, Harry felt his skin tear underneath the pressure. Moving the jagged edge slowly, blood started to rise up from the freshly made wound. Dropping the blade after making his newest wound, Harry dropped to the ground. Staring at his cut arm, Harry's eyes welled up in tears. 'It's happening again!' His mind screamed, causing him only more pain. Breathing slowly, Harry applied pressure to his wound, hoping it would slow the bleeding. 'Why did I get my blade? Why did Hermione give it back? Why is this happening to me again?' Harry was filled with remorse; he didn't understand why everything that was healed was recurring. "Damn!" He muttered underneath his breathing. Looking down, he noticed that the cut stopped bleeding. Moving his arm around gingerly, Harry stood up off of the ground and washed himself up. Next came cleaning the blade and the area around it. Once the bathroom was clear of blood, Harry stashed the blade within his robes and walked back to his bedroom, having the nagging to cut himself becoming stronger once again.
-ooo-
The car ride to the train station was silent. Everyone's mind was elsewhere and it could be clearly sensed. Hostile feelings were flying around and the only one catching this was Ron. He sat between Harry and Hermione, and felt very strong feelings coming form both. Harry had been quiet the entire morning, as had Hermione. He sensed that a fight had broken out between the two and didn't want to pry into. 'They'll fix everything in time, I hope!' He thought just as the car came to a stop. Just like the previous years, the ministry loaned a car for the Weasleys, Hermione, and Harry to be transported to the platform. Once everyone had their luggage, they began to walk over to where Platform 9 and ¾ was. It was great to be back near familiar faces and all of the students were feeling that.
"Well you're here." Mrs. Weasley said, as they reached the barrier for Platform 9 and ¾. "You lot try to have a great school year and stay out of trouble." She hugged them all and sent them through the barrier. The last one to go through was Harry. "You take care of yourself, dear." She whispered to him. He nodded, before running through the barrier. After going through, he met up with Ron and to his dislike, Hermione.
"Come on, we better get a compartment before they're all taken."
"Ron, don't you remember?" Hermione asked angrily. "We need to go to the Prefect's compartment first."
"Right then. Get us a compartment, Harry, and we'll meet you later." He nodded as Hermione and Ron walked off. He sighed, not really wanting to even go to Hogwarts. He quickly entered the train and found an empty compartment. And to his surprise, the train had quickly started and no one had bothered to disturb him. For this, Harry was glad; he didn't need any distractions, especially people like Ginny, Luna, and Neville. He laid down upon the seats in the compartment. He gingerly placed his arm across his chest, feeling it throb with every sudden movement. Within five minutes of becoming comfortable, Harry heard his compartment door open and Malfoy entered.
"Aw, poor Potty. No friends to accompany him." He smirked. He slammed the door behind him.
"What do you want, Malfoy?"
"Revenge of every sort, Potter. You sent my father to prison and I find it wise to make you pay."
Harry yawned, acting as if he was bored. "Honestly, after dueling with Voldemort, facing a basilisk, and facing Dementors, I'm sure you're tame." Harry said, getting up quickly from his laying position. "But if you insist on losing to me, I guess it's fine." Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it toward Malfoy. He quickly corned the blonde, giving him no time to pull out his own wand. Placing the tip of his wand toward Malfoy's throat, Harry's eyes filled with malice and anger. "Think that you can come walking in here and mess with me, Malfoy? DON'T MESS AROUND WITH ME! I'M WARNING YOU! DO ANYTHING AS SO MUCH AS TO TALK TO ME OR LOOK AT ME WRONG, I'LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!" Harry roared with anger. His eyes kept building intensity. Harry stared deeply into Malfoy's eyes and could see a slight bit of confusion and fear.
"YOU THINK THAT I'M SCARED OF YOU, POTTER? I'M NOT!" Malfoy spat, pushing Harry away from him.
"WHY DO YOUR EYES SHOW FEAR THAN MALFOY? NOT SCARED OF ME, PROVE IT! DUEL WITH ME NOW!" Harry pointed his wand in dueling formation, ready for anything that Malfoy could shoot at him. He wanted to so deeply to curse Malfoy, he wanted to kill him.
"You think that I want to waste my time with you?" Malfoy responded with a slight quiver to his voice.
"I knew that you would back out." Harry said, trying to sound disappointed. "You're chicken and weak, just like your father!" Harry turned his back on Malfoy and slowly began to walk over to his seat. Before he could reach it, a curse hit him. Harry slammed into the compartment wall with a deafening smack. He stumbled backwards and smacked the ground. Malfoy stood over him, pointing his wand directly at him.
"NEVER INSULT MY FATHER, POTTER! MINE WASN'T STUPID LIKE YOURS; HE WASN'T STUPID ENOUGH TO DIE!" Harry felt a passionate anger rise within in himself. He quickly hopped to his feet, ignoring the pain circulating throughout his body. He pulled out his wand and muttered a spell underneath his breath. Malfoy smacked into the wall, just as he had, but with much more force. He walked over to Malfoy and stepped on his chest.
"NEVER, EVER, TALK ABOUT MY PARENTS! THEY WERE MUCH BETTER PEOPLE THAN YOU OR YOUR FATHER WILL EVER BE!" Harry placed a simple stunning spell on Malfoy after saying that. Walking out of the compartment, he slammed the door behind him and started to look for a compartment where Neville and Ginny were. He looked in a few compartments down to discover Neville running out of it.
"Harry, thank goodness you're here! Ginny's fainted!"
AN: Well, well, well.. interesting way to end an chapter.. don't you think? J Anyway, I don't have many thoughts on this chapter and I'm so sorry that it took so long to get out.. and I'm also sorry if there are a lot of errors because my beta-reader is going on vacation for a while and she wouldn't be able to get the chapter back until one to two weeks so I decided just to post it… it might be fixed later.. not sure… but please review no matter what you think, it helps motivate me to write. Okay, buh bye
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