SEQ CHAPTER h r 1Why Should It Matter?
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There may be some errors in this chapter because my beta-readers computer is being insufferable, so I went over it myself. Sorry!! But Jakia, you're still the best beta ever!!!
Chapter Ten: Rock Bottom
There was an awful pain residing within the soul. Someone dangerous knew a secret that probably wouldn't be contained after that day. And all the teen could do was look down at the ground with immense embarrassment. He couldn't look up into those piercing gray eyes that were most likely filled with mirth and pleasure. However, the blonde Slytherin hadn't said a word since he had first walked in. There was always an expected bout of taunting between these two young men, but it wasn't occurring.
Harry couldn't handle the silence any longer. "Well, start your damn gloating, Malfoy; you always enjoy my pain and suffering." He still didn't look at Malfoy's face, there was no point in seeing what he knew was there.
"Why should I boast when I could use this to my advantage?" Malfoy's voice contained an indifference which astonished the Gryffindor. Harry glanced up, spotting Malfoy's steel gray eyes. They remained vacant, not beaming in entertainment or satisfaction.
"What the hell are you talking about, Malfoy?" 'More like, what the hell are you thinking about?' Harry thought, unconsciously wrapping his hand around his bleeding arm. "I have nothing that could be used to your 'advantage'."
"You may think that, Potter, but that's where you're mistaken." Malfoy leaned against the bathroom door. His black cloak opened slightly, giving the blonde a sloppier look. His eyes were still glaring at Harry, which was beginning to make Harry feel uncomfortable.
"What are you going to do?" Harry's eyes narrowed, feeling his temper rising. His life was difficult enough without Malfoy messing with him. The despair of the situation was flooding through more with every second ticking away.
"How much fun would I have if I told you now?" Malfoy smirked before standing up straight and opening the bathroom door. "But Potter, watch your back!" He yelled nonchalantly before slamming the door shut behind him. Harry threw his head back in absolute frustration. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. 'Brilliant plan, bloody brilliant! Cut yourself in the men lavatory where anyone can walk in. What the hell were you thinking?' He knew very well what he was thinking. It had been right after sitting down next to Ginny that his troublesome thoughts returned to him. 'CUT YOURSELF!' had shouted nearly seventeen times throughout his mind before Harry quickly left the compartment. He knew he needed to talk to someone, but the only person that he would've ever gone to, detested him. Harry didn't know what Malfoy had planned, but it didn't sound like it was going make his disgraceful life any easier. Harry quickly cleaned up his arm before exiting the lavatory. He started feeling the effects of his blood loss as he walked slowly back to his compartment. The Gryffindor only hoped that the feeling wouldn't last much longer. He loathed feeling fatigue, especially when riding on a train. Once he arrived back to the compartment, he was surprised to see Hermione standing in there. He walked past her, not attempting even a civil nod. Even if they weren't speaking and he was ignoring her, something about having her presence calmed Harry's inner being, making him have sensations that felt halfway normal.
"Well, my Prefect duties are calling again, talk to you all at Hogwarts." Hermione walked out, closing the door behind her gently. Harry didn't try to comprehend whether or not Hermione had meant that she'd talk to him as well.
"You alright, Harry?" Ginny asked, sounding extremely concerned. He turned to face her, noticing lines of anxiety creasing in her face. 'Looks like her mother when she does that.'
"I'm fine, Ginny. Just feeling a little woozy at the moment." He panted, finally realizing that he breathing was labored. His lightheadedness was becoming stronger and stronger, but he couldn't collapse or show illness. They would make him see Madam Pomfrey and she would most definitely find the scars and freshly made cuts that covered Harry's arms. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back into the compartment seat. 'Relax and calm yourself, everyone will start becoming too suspicious!' His mind yelled, making him feel even worse. He tried to fall asleep while having his eyes closed, but he couldn't stop thinking about the inevitable.
What Malfoy had planned for him.
-ooo-
Fear.
Definition: an unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. And it was the only thing present within Hermione Granger as she finished her rounds on the train. Mindlessly checking for troublemakers, Hermione's thoughts swirled in exasperation. She prayed that her mind was playing harmful jokes upon her, but in reality, Hermione realized that she could only fool herself so much. The paled skin of The-Boy-Who-Lived shot out, warping her vision. Everything around her pointed an accusatory finger toward her without even realizing it. 'It's entirely my fault; I should have never messed with the situation. He was getting better, he wasn't cutting himself. ARGH!' Hermione sighed irately before entering the Prefect's compartment once again. Everything around her signaled to the fact that she had both betrayed and harmed her friend. Sitting down beside Ron, she turned toward the compartment door. An invisible force field prevented Hermione from looking at Ron, or even Malfoy. Shame had interlocked itself within Hermione's conscience, making it nearly impossible for her to stay seated, thinking about what she had caused.
"Hermione, everything alright?" Ron asked, knocking Hermione out of her concentrative state.
"Worried about your little girlfriend, Weasley?" Malfoy interjected, emphasizing each syllable with sarcasm.
"Bugger off, Malfoy." Ron roared. Hermione sighed; they were going to start fighting again. If only they knew there were more important things than their ever-going feuds. She numbly blocked out the insults that flew back and forth as her mind slowly slid back into her thought process. 'I need to talk to Harry. There's no way around it. But how can I confront him about something that broke us apart the first time?' She pondered, feeling herself more curious about the current situation. 'What if he isn't doing anything to himself? What if everything is made up? What if nothing's wrong?' But the nagging voice within her wouldn't let her believe that, she needed to find out the truth. Snapping back to her harsh reality, Hermione noticed that Malfoy and Ron were still passing meaningless words to each other. Rolling her eyes, she listened to their bickering for a few seconds.
". . . Well at least my father isn't a loser that loves muggles!"
"At least my father can live without kissing You-Know-Who's robes! And can stay out of prison!"
"You prick!" Malfoy went from his wand, but Hermione was faster.
"Silencio!" Hermione screamed, making both boys unable to speak. "You two are incredibly immature! Grow up!" She said swiftly, before turning around and leaving the compartment. Hermione didn't know how to approach Harry, she didn't know if she should even try while still being on the train, but she needed to find out if her assumptions were correct. She slowly slid open the door to the compartment that Ginny, Neville, and Harry were in. Neville and Ginny turned to look. Seeing that it was only Hermione, they sighed with relief. Her eyes evaded their glances as they went directly upon Harry. His eyes were closed with mixture of grief and agony laden upon his face.
"Do you mind leaving for a bit; I want to talk to Harry." They both got up and walked out without questioning Hermione at all. Hermione walked over to Harry and sat down beside him. Feeling adventurous, she grabbed his arm and pulled up the sleeve. Opening his eyes, he quickly jerked his arm back. However, Hermione had seen what she had been assuming since that morning.
Harry was back at square one.
"Don't touch me!" he snarled. A feeling of unhappiness washed over Hermione as she watched Harry scoot away from her.
"I'm sorry, I overreacted before." She whispered, practically putting forth all of her energy in that difficult apology. It had been hard to confess she was wrong, especially since Hermione was never incorrect. He sneered, showing his hatred feelings toward his fellow Gryffindor.
"You're sorry? Ha! You're just sorry because your guilt is eating away at you. Honestly, I don't even believe that you're actually sorry. You're the one that wrecked this friendship with all of your antics. Plus, you've made everything about me weaken again. Your simple apology won't fix the damage you've done." Hermione felt herself tearing up, but she refused to weep. Even when her tears were on the brim and distorting her vision, she refused crying as an option. Harry held his fuming gaze upon Hermione, making her feel even more belittled.
"Why won't you believe me?"
"Because apologies are just stand-ins for truthful statements that reside within our souls. Apologizes cannot not be merely stated, they must be proven. I could say I'm sorry for breaking the rules at Hogwarts and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done, but that cannot be held accountable until I proven myself worthy of being forgiven. And you Hermione don't deserve forgiveness. Not yet or maybe never!" He turned his attention away from her, gazing out the train window. It was nearing dark, they were almost at Hogwarts. Hermione felt herself ready to either break or kill Harry.
"So, proving my friendship to you by taking care of you and telling no one your horrifying little secret means nothing to you?" She let the words fall from her mouth, without truly wanting that to happen. She immediately saw Harry's features soften.
"I never said that I didn't appreciate what you did for me then." He paused as the resentment flowed back into his pasty face. "But I hate what you've done to me now."
"How can you say what I've done to you? I didn't hold the blade against your skin and make you press down!" His accusations against her were becoming more outrageous and Hermione wasn't going to let that happen, even if she wanted to be his friend again.
"You may have not pressed down or done the actual cutting, but you destroyed me. I thought that you were my friend, someone that would always be there, and someone that loved me. But I see I was mistaken, it appears as if you only thought about yourself."
"If I only cared about myself, I would've enlightened Moony and the others about what you were doing. That would be showing that I didn't care about what you had confided in me!" Hermione couldn't explain why she kept trying to win this battle of wits, even when she knew she wasn't going to prevail. Harry didn't say anything; he just continued to stare at Hermione. "Listen, I'm sorry. I don't have anything else to state except that. If you don't believe me, then I guess, well, I don't know." Hermione turned around quickly before walking out of the compartment. She couldn't believe what he was putting her through, it seemed so insane. But as she continued on, she thought about what Harry had said. 'You may have not pressed down or done the actual cutting, but you destroyed me. I thought that you were my friend, someone that would always be there, and someone that loved me.' She knew that he was right; she had ignored him, avoided him, and told him to forget that they were friends. She uttered a sigh before deciding to return to her compartment.
-ooo-
The night had come with vengeful forces. A large thunderstorm was roaring overhead. Loud pitter-pattering was heard on the windows as gigantic raindrops smacked into the moving train. Darkness had swallowed the outside completely, making it even difficult to see any distance through the window. Sighing deeply, Harry continued to stare out into the dark abyss, searching for what could possibly be done.
He was bitter.
Bitter about being The-Boy-Who-Lived, bitter about Sirius dying, bitter about being so weak, and bitter about not being able to control himself. But what did it matter? If he needed to cut himself to control his anger and emotions, so be it. It wasn't like he was trying to kill himself.
'It's not like you haven't thought about it though! It constantly looms as a possibility in your mind.' A vicious little voice screamed within his head, making Harry remember the time he had actually started cutting.
-Flashback-
It had been an extremely muggy day in July of just that summer. His aunt and Dudley had gone out, while his uncle had sat in front of the television, drinking himself silly. Harry had been sitting quietly in his room, mourning with deep sorrow that day.
"Why him?" the Boy Wonder asked himself, placing his head in his hands. He wasn't one to cry at that point and didn't even shed a tear. Dry sobs were coming forth, making him feel worse about everything. Harry got up from his bed and walked over to his window. Aches and pains soared throughout his seeker body from the punishments that occurred only the night before. 'Why me?' he thought anxiously, hoping that somewhere, something would give him a sign. Of course, the sign he was looking for wasn't his uncle standing a mere ten feet behind him, swaying in his drunken state.
"COME HERE BOY!" Vernon had screamed, giving Harry a jolt of surprise. He hadn't expected to see his uncle standing right behind him, nor had he wanted to see that 'whale' standing there. Harry begrudgingly walked toward his uncle, trying not to show any emotion. Vernon instantly smacked Harry across the face, causing an unpleasant stinging sensation in his left cheek. He continued to stare forward at his uncle, hoping that would the extent of the damage done that evening. "YOU FREAK! YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE FREAKY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU?" He asked pushing Harry against the wall. A booming noise was heard as Harry made contact with the wall. His legs gave out as he slowly slid down. His uncle then kicked him in the stomach, making the pungent flavor of bile with hints of blood come into his mouth. Harry continued staring, even though his body was now throbbing painfully. Vernon continued kicked Harry, hoping to receive a yelp of pain.
But it never came.
Harry continued to hold his resentment and anguish inside as his uncle kicked him and pushed him to nearly being unconsciousness. "YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH!" He kicked his nephew one last time before leaving his room, slamming the room behind him. As Vernon left, Harry slowly pulled himself across the room to his bed. Everything was aching and he was barely able to keep himself from passing out. The metallic flavor of blood still rendered in the back of his throat making him gag every time he swallowed. The punishments had been going on since the day he had come back from Hogwarts.
Closing his eyes, trying to suppress the nausea, Harry whimpered lightly. He couldn't believe that this was happening to him. The savior of the wizarding world, the one that was going to have to kill Voldemort, the one that just wished that he would have died as an infant. "Why me?" he thought again, only this time the words came forth. There didn't seem to be a way out until a nagging voice came through. 'There's one way. You could kill yourself. Not very hard, slash slash and it would be over. Get your dagger, Harry, get your dagger.' The voice scared him at first, but the idea of not dealing with tragedies that currently faced him, comforted him immediately. Harry slowly crawled over to his trunk, hissing in pain with each movement of his abdominal area. Opening the trunk, he dug through its contents until he found what he had been looking for. The dagger that he had bought a few years ago. His prided dagger that was as sharp as the sharpest razors. Looking at it curiously, Harry slowly rotated it. 'You could end it all. USE IT!' Slowly lowering the blade to his arm, Harry pressed the blade upon his skin. He drug the blade the length of his arm and watched the blood coming to the surface. It started to pool on his arm and pour onto the floor. The crimson red substance made him feel alive for the first time in the longest time, probably since he had lost Sirius in the Department of Mysteries. Taking the dagger back, he made another cut, this one deeper. The blood pooled quicker, giving him the sensation to cut more and more. However, he didn't cut any more, the blood loss and injuries that he had sustained were starting to make the room spin. Harry quickly wiped off his blade and the floor with an old towel. He then quickly wrapped his arm before collapsing from being completely fatigue.
-End of Flashback-
Harry hated reliving that moment. It was the moment his life had truly hit rock bottom, or so he had thought. But unfortunately, Harry knew that bottom was only the beginning.
A/N: I've decided that I'm going to have a section at the end of each chapter answering questions and such. If you have any questions, I would love to answer them.
GODSPEEDNIGHT- Thank you for your compliments. Face turns red I'm so glad that you're enjoying my story.
TooLazyToLogIn- I thought that having Harry depressed was much better than Hermione because I also thought it made more sense. The evil Ginny stuff will be explained more in further chapters.
suicide-greeting- Thanks for reading my story. I really like yours
TheGreatFox2000- Thank you for the compliments on my writing skills. This chapter will be better in grammer because I sent it off to my beta-reader. Thus far, she has only edited one chapter because I picked her up on chapter 7 and she wasn't able to edit the last two because she was on vacation.
Niahiem Davids- Don't worry, I don't plan on quitting anytime soon because I really enjoying writing this story.
Marisela- I'm trying to point it in that direction. I really would like to see it H/Hr also, but it won't be an easy relationship by any means. (Especially since Harry is dead set on continuing his cutting, which may also lead to other dangerous things.)
Unknown, Sky, Yo, Moi, Me- Thank you for your wonderful comments.
Snapes-lover-and-rainbow- & Lily and James Potter- Yes, quite a shock isn't it, Malfoy knows now!!
Black Betty- Everything that you said in your review makes sense, don't worry . I know that Harry cutting himself isn't the greatest thing, but it creates a lot of angst and drama. Thank you for reading my story.
Bloody Sakura- There will be some Harry/Hermione interactions coming fairly soon. I will be able to tell you that it isn't in chapter 11 (I know for certain on 11 because I've already written it), but in chapter 12, I think that they will become friends again, because Harry realized that he cannot stay away any longer. In chapter 13 and 14, the interactions will become stronger, killing some ideas and plots of others (You will find out what I mean in chapter 12)
yaukira- Thanks for the compliment, I'm happy that you enjoyed the chapter!!
A/N: Whelps, that is all I have folks. I hope that you continue reading this story. And please review, I love the feedback and suggestions that I'm being given.
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