Why Should It Matter?
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Thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, this chapter should be perfect!! Jakia, you rock!!! You're the best beta-reader ever!!!!
Chapter Eleven: Continuing to Weaken
Familiarness surrounded almost everyone as they walked off the Hogwarts Express. Hogwarts would definitely be a joyful sight to the sore eyes even through the dark sky and pouring rain. Walking quickly over to the carriages, people piled in with their friends, chatting animatedly. Everyone and everything seemed to have lifted spirits just being back at the magnificent castle. Yet even in all of the excitement, Harry Potter sighed heavily. He had very apathetic feelings arising from being back at Hogwarts. Every time he came back, another plot for him to die was set. It never seemed to go away. There were so many things that were already wrong with this year that Harry didn't know if he'd be able to control his temper. Not that he had done well with that last year, either. Watching the others in his carriage talking about everything that would be occurring during the school year made him feel like an outcast. He continued to hold his silence until the carriages had reached the castle. Being the last one out of the carriage, he stood quietly in front of the extravagant school, staring up at its wonders.
"Do I even belong here anymore?" Harry whispered to himself, not really wanting to enter the castle at all. The rain soaked through his school robes, sent shivers up and down his spine. What was the point of being a part of the wizarding world when the people only cared about you if you conquered over Voldemort or not? Why continue being a part of everything when your Headmaster hid nearly everything from you until it was too late? Turning around, facing the carriages with the thestrals, Harry knew he could run away at that moment. He could hide from everything; he would never have to face his peers and professors. Everything could be easier for The-Boy-Who-Lived.
But his conscience wouldn't let him run.
Hesitating greatly, Harry took small steps up the stairs, slowly climbing them, and entered the castle. He was instantly hit, like a bludger to the head, with all of the memories of last year. Umbridge, being banned from Quidditch, destroying several possessions that had belonged to Dumbledore, and most importantly, losing Sirius. Even though Sirius's death had happened in the Department of Mysteries, he thought about it constantly. Staring down at the ground, he closed his emerald green eyes. His lip was trembling while he was being soaked to the bone. The need to turn around and run right out of the castle, never to return to Hogwarts, had suddenly returned.
"Harry?" He looked up and saw Ron standing a mere five feet away from him. "Are you coming to the Great Hall?"
"I really don't want to. I'm feeling rather tired." He muttered unhappily. There was something about going into the Great Hall that Harry didn't like. Being stared at like a science experiment that didn't sound appeasing either. The whispers would spread along with the stares, and Harry was positive he wasn't stable enough to deal with that this evening. On top of that, there were other reasons that Harry didn't want to go to the Great Hall, but he couldn't tell Ron those reasons.
"If you want to go ahead up to the tower, I can tell you the password. Since I'm a Prefect, I know the password already. It's 'knighted bravery'." Harry smiled at Ron, feeling a great gratitude toward his best friend for being a Prefect.
"Thanks Ron." Harry said, walking away. Feelings were swelling inside of his chest, making breathing and moving hard. He walked slowly up to the Gryffindor Tower, not really wanting to go there, but it was the only place that seemed logical. The dark-haired teen was incredibly exhausted and wanted nothing more than to be sleeping. 'At least I don't have to worry about anything when I'm sleeping.' He thought grimly, only wishing that he didn't have to escape his problems by hiding from everyone. When he finally made it to the Gryffindor Tower, Harry stood in front of the Gryffindor resident portrait, the Fat Lady.
"Here awful early, aren't you dear?" He nodded slowly.
"Knighted bravery." The portrait swung open, revealing the common room. His emotions that had been growing stronger and stronger finally exploded inside of Harry. Tears streamed down his face as he glanced over at the fireplace. He wanted nothing more than to have Sirius's face pop into the flames and tell him that everything was okay. Flopping down on one of the comfy chairs, Harry pulled his knees into his chest. Trying to calm himself, Harry took deep, quivering breaths. He could see being at Hogwarts was going to be just as bad is being at Grimmauld Place and Privet Drive. But at least at those places he didn't have damned Malfoy blackmailing him and Hermione trying to apologize for overreacting. Everything around him seemed to being getting dimmer and distant. Closing his eyes, he quickly drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
-ooo-
Loud, booming voices were still chatting lively. The excitement of watching the Sorting Hat ceremony had long passed as all of the first years students were already amongst their respectful houses. The few conversations that could still be heard were about one person.
Harry Potter.
Many people had been scanning the Gryffindor Table, trying to find the savior of the wizarding world. Many of the professor had noticed his absence and were slightly worried about the Gryffindor. They weren't the only ones, however.
Hermione felt a deep anxiety all throughout the sorting and couldn't wait until it ended. But then Ron had told her that Harry had gone up to get some sleep. Hermione stared distractedly from her empty plate to the Great Hall doors. Ron and Ginny both noticed her strange behavior.
"Something wrong, Hermione?" Ginny asked, nearly scaring Hermione to death. She didn't think that anyone was analyzing her that closely.
"Yeah, you haven't eaten anything." Ron said, stuffing more food into his mouth. Hermione stomach jumped at the sight of Ron gorging himself with the chicken breast.
"Nothing's wrong." She said, almost too quickly. "I'm not really hungry this evening. Nerves, I suppose. I'm just worried about the classes, after all, they are going to be much harder at this year." She tried to portray her classic bookworm style, but she figured that she was failing horribly.
Both her friends laughed at her, shaking their heads. "First hour here and you're already worried about classes." Ginny said, trying to get recover her composure.
"Well, that's our 'Mione for you, always worried about everything." Ron said, quieting up after that. Hermione and Ginny were both shocked at his response, he usually taunted her for being 'an insufferable bookworm'. 'If I wasn't a Prefect, I would go up to the Gryffindor Tower right this minute. Stupid duties!'
Looking around the Great Hall, Hermione spotted Malfoy, sitting silently. It looked as if he was thinking, which was unusual for Malfoy. He was usually taunting younger students or making trouble for the Gryffindors. She could see his cold gray eyes fluctuating between several different emotions. 'Probably trying to figure out how to anger Harry, which doesn't seem like a great idea. I wouldn't want to be Malfoy when Harry finally snaps against him.' She continued staring at Malfoy, when she noticed him muttering incoherently. 'I wish I knew what he was saying.' After about ten minutes, they finally had eye contact. He sneered at her, looking absolutely disgusted with the idea of her looking at him. His eyes went dead again, losing their contemplative state. His glare was like ice, chilling to the soul. It was fixated upon Hermione now.
She returned the glare, knowing that it wasn't as emotionless as Malfoy's, but there was nothing she could do about it. After a few minutes of staring, he finally adverted his eyes to one of the Slytherins that started talking to him. Hermione exhaled deeply, happy that her staring contest with Malfoy was finally over. There was just too much confusion at that point. She started thinking about everything again, only hoping that she'd be able to prove her friendship to Harry again.
"'Mione? Hermione?" She snapped out of her trance again.
"What?" Hermione hissed, not liking the idea of losing her train of thought.
"Dumbledore said his speech and now we," He emphasized,"have to show the midgets to the common room."
"Oh right." She said, rising from the table. "Ron, they're not midgets, I told you that last year."
"Whatever." He muttered following Hermione, trying to group up the first years, all of which looked incredibly weary and scared. Hermione was at least relieved that she could was going up to the Gryffindor Tower. Hermione let Ron talk to the first years this time, because she didn't feel like talking. Numbly walking up the stairs, Hermione rolled her eyes, knowing that they were still quite a ways away. She tried to pick up the pace, but Ron kept pointing things out to the first years, who would stare with amazement. After a half and hour of gawking they finally made it to the common room entrance.
"Password?"
"Knighted Bravery." Hermione said, speaking for the first time since they had left the Great Hall. She walked in first very quickly. The first thing that she noticed was Harry, slumped over in a chair sleeping. Hermione sighed happily, at least feeling better about having Harry alone.
"This is the Gryffindor Common Room. Here you can do homework, play games, or just socialize with your friends. Other houses' members are not allowed in this common room and you may not tell anyone else the Gryffindor Common Room password." All of the small first years nodded nobly. "Now Ron will show the boys to their dorms and I'll show the girls to theirs." They nodded and followed the respected student. Hermione quickly showed the girls to their dormitory and watched their happiness for awhile, before sneaking out of the dorm and down into the common room again. She walked over to one of the other chairs, watching groups of laughing people come and slip away to their dorms.
"Want some company?" Hermione turned around and saw Ron coming towards her. She smiled, nodding lightly. He sat down, shaking his head as he looked over at Harry. "This year's going to be hell for him, I can see it now."
'If only you knew what's happened already!' Hermione thought. Mentally she winced, thinking about Ron finding out about her and Harry hiding his dangerous secret from everyone. "Yeah, but I think once he's back into routine, everything should become a little easier."
She looked over at Harry's sleeping form again. The guilt that she contained wouldn't let her believe what she told Ron, no matter how much she yearned to agree with what she said. They sat there in silence for quite awhile, neither being able to speak of their heroic friend. It seemed insane that everything was happening to Harry, especially since he could use time without stress.
"Well, I think that I'm going to head up to bed. Goodnight, 'Mione."
"Night, Ron." Hermione replied, smiling weakly for Ron's sake. The most horrible thing about the entire situation was that Hermione was going to have to fix everything, while not being Harry's friend. Desperate thoughts hit her, making her stomach do flips. 'What if someone else finds out about Harry? That could prove dangerous, I'm going to need to patch everything up quickly.' Sighing deeply, Hermione looked over at Harry, noticing he was now awake, staring at her. She held a calm face, looking back at his. He didn't say anything at first, nor did she.
"Is a Prefect duty to make sure that I wasn't going to do anything stupid?" He snarled viciously, his almost-calm eyes immediately enrage with anger. She dropped her glance quickly, feeling sensations of fear and guilt again.
"No." She mumbled, feeling so belittled by the boy she had nearly fallen for. She was feeling so wronged by herself and feeling so stupid for messing with everything, including their friendship.
"Then what?" His tone was a little softer this time, but not by much.
"Why should it matter? You hate me and think that I'm the lowest thing on the planet." She said, getting up from her chair and walking over to the stairway. She looked back before continuing up the stairs.
'The broken hero.'Hermione thought sadly, watching Harry pull his knees into his chest and lower his head in confusion. 'But you caused this all, so why did you make him feel worse again? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!' Her conscience screamed. 'SHUT UP!' She screamed back, trying to block out everything that was circulating. 'GO BACK DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW, HERMIONE GRANGER!' Her conscience, which sounded oddly like Harry, argued back.Extremely hesitant, Hermione slowly walked back down the stairs and stood in front of Harry. He looked, his face covered with indifference.
"Listen," Hermione started off. "I shouldn't have said that. I'm the one that caused all this, but I just thought that you should learn from your mistakes. Learning from our mistakes makes us stronger. I just didn't want you to go through the same thing again. It hurt me to see you like that, so I couldn't begin imagining what was going through your mind. I guess that I will say that I'm sorry again. If you need proof, it'll be coming." She said quietly. He stared up at her, his eyes locked upon hers. She searched his eyes for the answers that she desired, but couldn't find them. An eerie silence had found its way between the two Gryffindors, and refused to let loose.
"Alright." Harry said. It was far from forgiveness, but Hermione felt better that he had actually listened to her without blowing up. "If you're finished, I would like to go to my dormitory." His voice sounded weird, something was missing it from it.
"Yeah, I'm finished." Harry got up from his chair and glided past Hermione, looking past her. Hermione eye's followed Harry up the stairs until he was out of sight. 'What's going to happen now?'
-ooo-
'CUT! CUT!' His mind screamed, having everything about him being consumed in such agony. He tried to fight off the urges, taking deepened breaths and counting to ten, but nothing averted his attention from his trunk sitting at the foot of his bed. Tears started to form, making him feel weaker than he had ever felt in his entire life. Slowly he walked over to his trunk. He cursed himself for not being able to control himself again.
Opening the trunk, he pulled out his dagger and stowed it underneath his robes. Walking toward the bathroom, Harry made sure that no one in his dorm room was up. Once in the bathroom, he placed a locking spell upon the door. Taking off his robe and shirt, Harry stared at the cuts of earlier. Each was inflamed and oozing slightly. He winced in discomfort as he ran his fingers barely over the wounds.
'Find the courage, Harry. Don't cut, stop this madness!' Hermione's voice screamed in his head, rocking slowly back and forth. But he couldn't stop himself, because before he thought about it again, the cool blade was making contact with his unmarred skin.
Another slash was made.
Watching the blood dribble out of his skin, Harry was mesmerized by quiet dripping sounds that could be heard as the deep crimson substance smacked into the bathroom floor. Picking up the dagger, Harry went to make another cut. 'DON'T! THINK ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS, THINK ABOUT EVERYONE THAT CARES ABOUT YOU!' Harry told himself, trying to make himself drop the blade. The dagger hit the ground with a sharp clink. Harry closed his eyes, trying to numb his mind into a restful bliss, but he couldn't allow himself to fall asleep. Re-opening his eyes, Harry looked down at the bathroom floor and saw that the clothes he had removed now had the large amount of blood that had leaked out on them. Casting a few cleaning spells, the blood was gone from both the floor and his clothes. He quickly placed a bandaging spell around his arm, causing stitches of pain to run throughout his right arm. Walking back to his bed shirtless, Harry threw his robe and shirt on the ground. Then quietly, he threw his blade into his trunk, closing the top. He closed the curtains around his bed and stared up at the canopy.
'What am I going to do?' He was beginning to think of the consequences of cutting himself while at Hogwarts. 'That old bastard will try to help me. If he wants to help me, he should go Avada Kedavra me himself!' Quieting his thoughts, Harry listened to the storm still raging outside. The forceful winds and raindrops striking against the window provided a calming effect. Their loud noises were also accompanied by the roaring thunder and purplish lightning, which was lighting up the entire dorm room. The wonders of storms, whether they be mental or physical, were eternally astounding. However, the calmness before the storm was always desired. Often it's thought to have returned, but that tranquil period ends up the eye. Harry didn't care about those things, all he knew was sixth year was going to be a pain in the arse.
A/N: I know this chapter came really fast, but that is because this one has been written for a long time and I got it back from my beta-reader, who's computer is working again , really quickly!!! (thanks JAKIA). Anyway, the next chapter, which is already 7 pages long, will be about the first day of school and something about a certain someone is going to be revealed!!! (thanks for the idea Jakia) Anyway, hope you enjoyed and please review!! Thanks!!!
coolone007-2 = Don't worry, they will becoming friends again fairly soon, maybe even more
Black Betty= This is going to be a H/Hr shipper and it's going to happen within the next few chapters, actually.
Everyone else= thanks for reviewing on my story... I love the feedback! It makes me so happy to know that people are actually reading what I'm writing!!
Whelps, g2g everyone!!
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