Why Should It Matter?
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Thanks to my wonderful beta-reader, this chapter should be perfect!! Jakia, you rock!!! You're the best beta-reader ever!!!!
Chapter Thirteen: Changes
The first week of school went by smoothly, excluding the first day, of course. It seemed like the students had settled in and from there everything would be perfect.
But perfection couldn't last.
Ginny still felt confused about the summer that had unfolded without her recognition. She was slowly losing her memories, especially of the wicked thoughts that had transpired over the vacation. But those weren't the only memories she was losing.
Every thought seemed to being disappearing.
Walking through Hogwarts everyday, she barely remembered the names of people saying hi or even the charms, spells, and potions she had learned in her previous years. It was becoming frightening, but something within her stopped the Gryffindor from seeking help. There was an invisible barrier blocking her from reaching out.
Her memory was steadily disappearing day by day, leaving her unsure what was actually going on. It had started on the first day of class.
At first she ignored the problem. However, as the days went by it seemed like everything was becoming blurry. She first thought it was just stress or a side effect of the spell she had been under over the summer.
Sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, Ginny sat quietly by the fireplace, trying to write an essay for Potions. Despite as hard as she tried, she couldn't remember anything about moonstone, or its properties when making potions. Her thoughts were growing dimmer as she tried to pull the little things she still remembered about it.
"Whatcha doing, Ginny?" Her brother asked, sitting down beside her. She looked up at him, smiling uneasily. She knew it was her brother, but she couldn't remember his name. 'Why is this happening to me?' Her emotions were gurgling within her soul, but she couldn't afford to display them.
"I'm writing an essay for Potions on moonstone. I'm having difficulty with it, but it's probably because I'm so blasted tired."
Ron flashed a sudden look of concern for his younger sister, before promptly hiding it. "Maybe you should go to sleep early tonight. After all, you've got all weekend to write that ridiculous essay." Ginny smiled halfheartedly. 'That's if I have a memory by tomorrow!' She wanted to screamed, causing only more things to leave her.
"Well, g'night then." She said, getting off of the floor, taking her things with her.
"Night, Ginny." Ginny sighed, while walking up to her dormitory. Tears of frustration began flowing down her cheeks with every onward step. She didn't want this to happen, but it seemed like all of her precious memories were just slipping away, leaving her an empty shell. Getting into the fifth year girls dormitory, she walked over to her bed, threw her potions book into her trunk, and she slipped into bed, not bothering to undress.
Wiping the tears that were still lingering on her cheeks, Ginny took one last look around the dorm before closing her eyes. She cringed, feeling more and more disappear. 'Goodbye Ginny Weasley!' She thought before falling into oblivion.
-ooo-
Impossible.
It just seemed utterly impossible.
'It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Why would Draco be cutting himself?' The boy, Blaise Zabini, was mystified, and yet terribly concerned for his friend. Pushing his dark brown hair from his eyes, Blaise stared at Draco puzzled, to say the very least. It had been plaguing the Slytherin since the previous night when he accidentally caught Draco in the action, without him knowing it.
Blaise had been tempted to tell someone about the cutting. Several times during Potions, Blaise nearly walked up to Snape, ready to exploiting everything he had seen.
But something kept stopping him.
And now, it seemed like a golden opportunity to simply ask Draco about it, clarifying what he was thinking. But he just couldn't bring himself to walk over to Draco and inquire such things.
It seemed like he had been staring for nearly an hour before Draco had noticed Blaise's eyes attentively glaring him down. Draco sent a questioning glance toward his friend, before he started moving over to where Blaise was sitting.
"I know I'm gorgeous looking, but I also know you're straight." Draco cracked a classical smirk, before sitting down beside Blaise.
It seemed so odd to Blaise. He honestly wondered how Draco could hold such a strong facade in front of him while hurting on the inside. He looked closely at the young Malfoy, seeing things he hadn't paid attention to early in that week. He seemed more pale somehow, uneasy about everything.
Blaise knew Draco had an exceedingly difficult home life. Everyone else believed Draco was treated like a prince, but they couldn't be any further from the truth.
Lucius despised his son and only kept him around because he was the sole heir. Blaise never understood why Draco's father hated him, but was clearly seen anytime Blaise was around.
"Are you okay, Blaise?" Draco asked, noticing Blaise drifting in and out of thought. Blaise knew that his own behavior was peculiar, but he couldn't help it.
The question was burning his tongue, making him want to say what was on his mind. "I'm fine, just thinking."
"About what?" Draco's eyes narrowed slightly, showing suspicion in his fellow Slytherin's actions. Blaise looked up, his dark blue eyes meeting with Draco's silver ones. He knew his own eyes were swirling around with emotion, but it shocked Blaise to look back into Draco's.
They looked defeated.
"Actually, I was thinking about. . ." He drifted off, feeling both idiotic and concerned. Idiotic because he couldn't force himself to say anything about the previous night. Concerned, well that was obvious.
Draco sighed exasperatedly, losing his temper extremely fast. "What's your problem? You're acting odd!" Anger flared into his eyes, diminishing the previous defeated look.
"Nothing's my problem!" Blaise snarled back. He was never one to lose his temper, but anything was possible when he was suddenly facing Draco in an argument.
"Well, then why in the hell are you staring at me strangely, unable to talk to me, and lost in thought constantly?" Draco shot back, trying to level off his voice.
But his Malfoy Rage was getting the better of him.
His anger overtook him, especially when Blaise said nothing and just continued to stare.
"'And nothing's wrong?' You're a horrible liar!" Draco sarcastically spat, before getting off of the couch and walking away.
'I might regret this, but it looks as if no one else is in the common room.' Blaise shot up after him and caught up with him. Stepping out in front of a fuming Draco, Blaise sneered, "At least I'm not into self-mutilation."
(A/N: Going to Draco's POV)
Draco stopped immediately. His face turned as white as snow. Fearful shivers went erratically throughout his body. He dropped his glance, not even able to look Blaise in the eyes.
Normally, Draco would glare back, challenging Blaise, but he had changed. Gone was the arrogant prat everyone had grown accustomed to. And it was all because of that one night.
'No, don't think about that night!'
"Draco?" He heard Blaise's voice call his name, but he didn't care. Walking around the other boy, he continued onto the dormitories, ignoring Blaise's constant pleas for him to stay.
He needed to get away.
Making his way to the sixth years' dorm, he walked over to his bed, plopping down on it.
He felt paralyzed as he stared up at the canopy. He didn't want anyone to know of his problem, especially not a fellow Slytherin. The thought of being taunted for cutting would be enough to push him to suicide.
"Draco?" Blaise was nearing him. Blaise sat down next to Draco's laying form, staring curiously at the blonde. Draco couldn't provoke himself to speak.
He couldn't explain to Blaise that he was a mere shell of himself. Nor could he tell him everything up until that point at school has been an act.
Finally finding his voice, Draco said emotionless, "Blaise, leave me alone." He knew his pleading was a lost cause, because Blaise wouldn't do that. Blaise was too nice, too un-Slytherin to leave Draco alone. Everyone often wondered how Blaise got sorted into Slytherin in the first place.
"I'm not leaving until you tell me why." He said gently, which truly scratched at Draco's nerves. He hated pity or concern. He didn't deserve anyone caring about him.
"You wouldn't understand!" Draco shouted, getting up from his bed, running out of the dormitory, leaving a dumbfounded Blaise behind.
-ooo-
There definitely was a lighter mood about the castle. Everything seemed to be back where it should belong and in a painfully honesty, it was.
Hermione looked up at Harry, who was sitting across from her. They were in the library, doing research for a project that had been assigned in Transfiguration. Hermione had been shocked when Harry had asked her to be his partner, instead of Ron. 'This has been an incredible week. Harry and I are friends again and nothing seems to be troubling him.' Sighing with contentment, Hermione looked back down at her book, looking for key factors that Professor McGonagall had mentioned during class.
"Having any luck?" Hermione looked up, seeing that Harry had closed his book. She shook her head, following suit as she closed her book as well. "There's always the rest of the weekend."
"Excellent point. I wanted to visit Remus before curfew, wanna come along?" Hermione asked Harry, who nodded in return. Packing up their things, they made their way over to the DADA classroom.
Hermione started the conversation, feeling odd about the silence that had slowly taken over. "So, have you talked to Dumbledore about your Quidditch ban yet?"
Harry sighed, "I'm not sure that I want to play Quidditch this year." Hermione's eyes widened at his comment. Was she hearing everything clearly? Harry didn't want to rejoin Quidditch? Hermione didn't know how to respond to something like that. Quidditch had always been Harry's life.
Sometimes, it seemed like it was the only thing holding Harry together.
"Well, whatever you decide, make sure it's truly what you want." Hermione finally said, hoping that the answer would satisfy Harry. He smiled at her, making her weak at the knees. She loved his smile. 'Oy, I'm doing it again.' Once they arrived to the DADA classroom, they walked in, finding Remus sitting at this desk, checking essays. He looked up, spotting the two teenagers standing before him.
"Can I help you two?" He asked, pulling a phony teacher facade upon them. They all laughed at Remus' antics. "What're you two up to? Causing trouble, most likely. Sit down." Hermione noticed how chipper Remus always seemed whenever she and Harry visited him. They sat down in front of his desk. "So what brings you here?"
"We just wanted to visit before curfew." Hermione replied shortly. "I wanted to know if the Order has found any information on Voldemort lately." Hermione noticed Harry shutter slightly at the mention of Voldemort's name, which was unusual. 'He didn't mind saying his name before. I wonder what's going on?'
Remus pulled out his wand, closing the classroom door and placing a silencing charm upon the room. "He's been lying low lately, which is surprising. Dumbledore would have thought that Voldemort would have several attacks by now. Everything is awfully suspicious."
Harry looked like he was slightly confused. "What about Snape, isn't he able to feed the Order information?"
"That's the odd thing; Voldemort hasn't been calling the Death Eaters that much. When he does, only the Death Eaters that in the inner circle are told things. Snape hasn't been told much of anything lately. The whole ordeal is becoming very chaotic and frustrating, especially without the feedback we were receiving before." Remus looked deep within thought as he tried to explain everything that was going on.
"So the Order's clueless on when an attack could possibly occur?" Remus nodded to Hermione's question.
"Unfortunately, the only way I see it clear for us to know if Voldemort is attacking is through me." Harry muttered quietly. Hermione glared. "It's how it always goes! 'Depend on Harry Potter, he'll make everything better'." Getting up from his seat, he bolted out of the classroom before either Remus or Hermione could protest.
"I better go after him, great talking to you, though." Hermione said, running out before receiving a response. Harry hadn't gotten very far by the time she got from the classroom, so she tailed him, following his every movement. It seemed strange to the female Gryffindor when she realized that Harry was leading them to the Astronomy Tower. She continued to run, only thinking of what could possibly be bothering her friend, who had seemed in much better spirits before. Once they had reached the Astronomy Tower, Hermione received the opportunity to finally talk to Harry.
But she was shocked when he spoke first. "I don't expect people to understand me. I never have expected something to that extent. But," He paused; making sure that Hermione was paying attention, "it's incredibly hard not to. For once, I would like someone to know, to feel ,the misunderstandings that are associated with being Harry Potter." It seemed like an open invitation.
It seemed like Hermione was going to know.
She sat down beside Harry, staring into his emerald eyes. They seemed so dull, that even the moonlight didn't reflect off of them.
"I want to know." Hermione whispered, feeling the chilly winds blow through open windows. "I want to know who Harry Potter is and why he's so depressed."
Harry sighed heavily. "With all honesty, I don't think you'll ever know." He looked into Hermione's eyes, finally making the eye contact she had been yearning for.
"What's holding you back from telling me?"
"You're the only person the genuinely cares about me. There doesn't seem to be a purpose for your concern. Lupin cares about me because I am my parent's son, the last thing he has of them. Dumbledore cares because I'm the savior of the wizarding world. Ron cares because he thinks that he supposed to, that that's what friends do. But Hermione, you're different. You've never judged me, and you've always accepted me, for me. Not for the Boy-Who-Lived or James Potter's son. It would be to damaging to our friendship if you knew me." Hermione frowned, disappointed that Harry felt that way.
She slowly placed her hand upon his. "Harry, you're my friend and I truly care about you. Nothing would ever ruin our friendship, not even our fight seemed to ruin it. There is probably nothing that I don't already know about you. You just think that you're depression is going to change everything with us. But it won't."
Harry took a deep breath and slowly exhaled it. "It's hard, Hermione. In fact, it's extremely difficult just to hold up my 'Golden Boy' image. Everything seems so impossible, especially since... every death that happens is my fault. I should've been able to destroy Voldemort already." Hermione noticed the look of defeat slowing creeping upon Harry's face.
"Nothing is your fault. Regardless of what you think, Cedric and Sirius' deaths were not your fault. They both died because Voldemort wanted them dead. There was nothing you could have done about it." Hermione paused. "Harry, if it takes me forever to convince you of this, then so be it."
His facial features lightened up, as did his mood. "I just miss him, that's all." He said quietly before getting up from his sitting position. "It'd be wonderful just to see him or hear his voice." Hermione stood up and wrapped her arms around Harry's waist. It gestured seemed to shock both Gryffindors.
"I know you miss him, but don't feel like you're alone. I'm here to talk any time you need me."
"I know, thanks. . . Now, let's get back to the common room before we're late for curfew." Hermione nodded, letting Harry go. As they walked out of the Astronomy Tower something different happened.
Harry grabbed Hermione's hand.
A/N: My computer is fixed and everything is wonderful again. I hope that you diehard H/Hr fans were pleased with the very last sentence ;-)... Please review and tell me what you think…
tiki11- My computer got fixed relatively quick and I was able to type up this chapter after thinking about it. Heh, I thought that how I did the end was a purty good idea because everyone was expecting Harry. LOL!! The Great Malfoy does have the same illness and there will be a lot more confrontation be the two in further chapters!!
Pip3- Yup, Draco Malfoy is a cutter! On the blackmailing subject, I'm not quite sure where I'm taking that yet, so you'll just have to see!
Nataliaah- Yeah, the whole Suicidal!Draco thing was an idea from my beta and I thought it fit really well. I mean, it seems as if Draco doesn't have the greatest home life.
Marisela- Yeah, if you liked the interaction of last chapter, I bet you liked this one even more!!
Professional scatterbrain- Happy that you are enjoying it!
liz- Thanks for the complement.
coolone007-2- I started reading your story, but I haven't finished because of my lack of time online, but I will continue on with it. Yeah, the idea of having Harry be depressed and Tom fueling the fire is a very interesting plot twist, but you'll have to see what's going to happen. Yeah, Draco wasn't only asking about what he could torture Harry with, he was also concerned about himself. You'll find out more about Draco's cutting habits in later chapters, such as how long he's been cutting and things along that line.
Nisha- Thanks for your complement. I know some people don't talk about this type of thing, but these things are real, people can't just ignore the fact that people are cutting. Suicide is real and believe that some people just ignore that.
Black Betty- Beta really thought that idea was supreme, so I added the Cutter!Draco to the story. Well, the whole Snape plot is slightly hard to work with, but you will see a difference in later chapters, when something BIG! happens! Well, Lupin hasn't found anything out yet, but he just might. And Harry just might realize that about Draco when something happens. (i know blunt clues)
doughgurl2008- Yeah I know, it isn't the greatest thing, both are cutters, but it is how the story is going. lol. thanks for reading!
TheGreatFox2000- Updated as fast as I could! And thanks for the complement!!
Whelps, g2g everyone!!
sweetfrv