Chapter Five: Writing

"Emily, I've noticed that you like to write. We won't talk much today, I want you to use today to write down each person's name and how you have helped them, or how they have helped you. It will help, because sometimes when people don't have the courage to say things, they write them down instead. Then in a couple days we will talk about it, okay?"

"All right."

"And I want you to start keeping a journal."

Monica & Alan
I have become their daughter. I have helped them not fight with each other so much. They say I am their 'blessing'. Sometimes I think its true, other times I don't. I'm glad they wanted me to come live with them; I don't know what I would have done, where I would have gone. I've hurt them so many times – trying drugs, trying to fly off the roof, and now hiding my cancer from them.

Zander
Zander was one of my first loves, almost like Juan – but more. I don't know why I felt I had to stay with him as long as I did though. I don't know why I pushed him away, I just had to. He probably would have stood by me through anything, but I didn't want him to suffer that way. He was my kidnapper, and I saved Jason from shooting him. Sometimes I don't even think he's thankful for that, he's always saying sarcastically something about Jason's protectiveness for me. Maybe that's why I can't be with him anymore, why I don't love him. Zander doesn't get along with my family, much less like them. I got burned by Juan, then by Zander…by everyone. I figured he'd eventually leave me, everyone does. So I thought…I guess…that I could drop him first.

Lucky
Lucky has always been my friend since the first week I came to Port Charles. I have listened to him through all of his life, and he has listened to me through all of mine. His nickname for me has always been 'brat' and I can't wait until I go home to hear his voice say it again. When we were younger people thought it was weird that a boy and a girl were best friends and nothing more, but it didn't matter to us. Sometimes I pretend that he's not in my life, and then I'm overcome with this urgency to see him again, to know he's still my best friend…truthfully, I couldn't live a day without seeing that wicked grin. I know he'll never leave me, and he'll always be my friend – but sometimes he seems far away, and we don't talk much anymore. He's one of the only people to make me laugh in the hardest times. He's also learned how to find people – whether you want to be found or not. (and right now, I'm hoping not to be found here…what would he think?)

Jason
Jason is like my big brother, my protector. He's my favorite in the family because he doesn't let problems get to him. His friend Sonny is nice to me; he calls me "little one" in Spanish. Sometimes I hate that, but most of the time I like it, its special. Sonny's wife is Carly, and I never really got along with her when she first met me, because back then she was going 'after' both my brothers. But now I understand her a little bit more, and we get along. Carly has a son named Michael and he is so handsome with his red hair. I can't believe sometimes that I am a godmother.

Nikolas
I had a crush on him when I was younger, but he didn't really seem to mind. He was always into the older girls. He wrecked our friendship on my sixteenth birthday, but somehow we mended back together again. Lucky says he has a "Prince Complex" that holds Nikolas away from disappointment, and that's why Nikolas 'does the things he does'.

Since we're on the 'prince thing', I remember Nikolas' uncles' bacchanalias and dances that they held at Wyndemere. Whenever I danced with Nikolas . . . I felt like…I almost felt like I was flying, that I was in a great dream.

On our last day before I left, he told me…he told me that he has loved me for a long time, without ever saying it. How can he say that? I don't know exactly why I said I don't deserve to be loved…but I said it, and I won't and can't take it back. Maybe that's why I came here. It's not like Nikolas pushed me here, he just pushed me to the point where I could see the stupid things I was doing to myself. Nikolas has always been the person to get me to see the truth – whether I want to hear it or not. That makes him a little like Jason I guess…maybe its one of the reasons Nikolas and I get along so well.

But I don't need another brother. Jason, A.J, Lucky and so many more people in Port Charles are like my family. I just thought that since Nikolas always saw me as his little sister, that maybe it was true, and would be forever. Then I would be safe, I wouldn't have to live up to expectations of being someone's girlfriend again. I get burned too much by being someone's "significant other".

Chapter Six: Journal Time

Today was amazing. I learned how to sail, and went swimming with the dolphins off the coast – I even 'kissed' one! It was like a group retreat, so all of us went together. I've been learning a lot more about my emotions with others, how to not let things get to me so much.

I am so scared of loosing my hair. I know this thought is vain and shallow, but…ugh. I don't even know why it scares me. One of the group members complimented me on my bandana during our trip. Maybe that's what got me started thinking about it. Am I going to be wearing hats for the rest of my life? . . . how long do I even have? . . . when, if ever, will I be in remission? . . . If I do go into remission, will the cancer ever come back? The doctor said there is a chance it would come back, although someplace else in the body. I'm so freaked out right now, just thinking about it. It's the only thing on my mind right now, and it's hard to think of something else…

Whenever I'm weary of the battles that ragged in my head, you made sense of the madness when my sanity hung by a thread…I've been reading poetry lately, mostly by the 'unknowns'. I sit out on the docks, overlooking the ocean here, and I can see for miles. I think I could stay here forever…but then, I know I have to return to Port Charles someday. Something will bring me back, hopefully something good. I've been writing to Jason, and he had someone track down my address – so he is sending letters back. He met Sonny's sister a month ago, and Carly is possibly pregnant – she's showing all the signs. Jason said Lucky is thinking about becoming a cop, but he doesn't know any more than that. I can just see Luke now, saying Lucky betrayed him or something. Wow, my best friend – a cop-wannabe.

Jason told me that Nikolas left Port Charles not long ago, back to Greece. It was supposed to be a business trip, but Elizabeth has told Jason it's for good. I wonder why…I remember all the times that Nikolas told me about riding horses on the beach there. We did that yesterday, and it was, well…it felt so freeing, with the wind blowing around. It was almost like the horse and myself were the only things on the beach…

Jason sent me an envelope with Elizabeth's scrawl on it, he said that she dropped it off with the doorman at the penthouse. Inside was a flyer for her first gallery opening. Wow! I wish I could see it, Elizabeth is such a great painter. We always told her that she'd make it someday. She also said Luke left Lucky behind – again. Luke's decided to run off and find Laura. Well, that's not new. I wish I could visit Lulu, she must feel so alone again. To do that to a kid – while, at least she's got Grandma Lesley, and Lucky still.

Jason is getting married in three weeks! I've just received word from Sonny about it – he says that Jason is so excited and couldn't wait to tell me. Things have just kept him busy though. They even sent money for a plane ticket back home! Wow, and I can't wait to meet Courtney.