The Adventures of Alcoholic Sirius and Manly Remus

by amor-remanet

It’s Christmastime and Sirius is terribly depressed for no apparent reason. Being the caring boyfriend and chocoholic that he is, Remus attempts to fix this, with unexpected results. SiriusxRemus SLASH warning.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related entities are not mine; I just play with them and put them back when I'm done.

Christmas and the snow entailed therein were falling swiftly on Hogwarts Castle. Cheer and good will were going everywhere in the forms of ice sculptures, fairy lights, singing suits of armor, and, if the rumors about the Slytherin Common Room were true, orgies. If any of these rumors reached the teachers, they certainly didn't act like it, as they still passed out less homework and more free time.

And the House of Gryffindor was not about to miss out on the fun and games. Amongst Gryffindor fifth-years James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin there were talks of everything from trying to shove Lucius Malfoy into the black lake to enchanting snowballs to not break and to follow Severus Snape into the dungeons. Aside from the obvious moral quandaries that these brought with them, there was only one other problem: the fourth member of their clique, Sirius Black, seemed to be in no mood for anything at all, even torturing poor Snape.

It was quite possible that James and Peter hadn't noticed how lethargic and languid Sirius had been for the past two weeks, but Remus was fairly sure that they just didn't want to see the change. After all, Sirius was one of the most famous troublemakers in Hogwarts, and he invented at least half of the plans that they carried out. He was always energetic, while still seeming casual and cool, but recently it had been a chore just to drag him out of bed in time to grab breakfast and get to class on time. And it was a chore that Remus was often left with, under James' justification that Sirius was Remus' boyfriend, ergo his responsibility when he was being a bastard.

Not that he'd wanted to go to class beforehand either, but it had gotten even worse of late.

In addition to that, there were all the little things. He slept past noon on the weekends. He sighed and stared off into space a lot. His attention span seemed dreadfully lowered – which had actually played a part in the destruction of the cauldron he and Remus had been working in, but since Slughorn was fond of Sirius (and might have been enjoying the holiday cheer a little too much), they'd only lost five points for Gryffindor. Even worse, he'd walked past Snape in the corridor, when there were at least thirty other people watching, and hadn't even attempted to jinx, hex, curse, insult, or otherwise mercilessly embarrass the unfortunate Slytherin.

Needless to say, Remus, Snape, and the thirty or so onlookers were all quite surprised. Snape had even spoken to Remus with something other than disdain in his voice.

"What the hell is wrong with Black?" he'd sputtered.

Remus only wished that he knew the answer.

On Saturday morning, Remus awoke to see that Sirius was nowhere to be found, even under the drapes and in other weird places. Along with everything that had been amiss with him, his sleeping habits had changed significantly, and not only with regards to time. Last week, he had taken to sleeping on the floor by the dormitory window, in naught but his boxers – and without using the drapery as sheets, too. The week before, he had refused to leave the sofa in the Common Room, although McGonagall had dragged him upstairs by his ears for the first two nights. By the third, she had either realized the futility and given up, or had started taking sleeping potions.

Still, Remus guessed that his boyfriend had to be off somewhere, and that some activity would probably do him good anyway. He pulled on some jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweater, and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Sirius wasn't there, although James and Peter were huddled around breakfast and a piece of parchment. Lily was there as well, with her group of friends, and occasionally she shot a disapproving glare at James, who remained blissfully unaware.

After breakfast, Remus spent his time in the library, working on McGonagall's Transfiguration essay. He knew that the chances of Sirius showing up in the library of all places, but hope was the best thing to have at a time like this. With every passing hour, it grew harder to focus on the work at hand; Remus found himself looking around wildly and twitching his foot, as if that would bring Sirius out of the woodwork.

The tattoo he tapped out on the floor both attracted a smack on the back of the head from Madam Pince and reminded him terribly of the rhythm of Sirius' tail when he took on the form of Padfoot. The thought of that evoked the thought of the cute puppy eyes he made. And that led Remus to the memory of when, a few weeks before Halloween and only a few days after the full moon, he'd been terribly upset because he and Sirius were lying about their relationship to James, Peter, and their parents. Sirius had relented to telling James and Peter – and Lily, since Remus liked her and she was "a trustworthy skirt" – but Remus was still moping. So, after Care of Magical Creatures, Remus had taken the long way up to the castle for lunch. Sirius had followed Remus as Padfoot, pounced on him, knocking him to the ground (which was either a testament to Remus' physical weakness or Padfoot's strength, but was disconcerting nonetheless), and proceeded to drag the werewolf into a romp in the leaves.

Oh, it was impossible to write an essay in this state. Glancing at the nearest clock, he saw that it was about one in the afternoon and he decided to head up to grab lunch. This went quickly and Sirius still didn't show up. After a few more minutes of waiting, Remus decided to go actively look for Sirius. While doing so, he encountered the perfect clue in a form he never would have expected.

Lily and one of her friends – Remus couldn't remember her name to save his life, which was terrible, as she was the only one to not insinuate that she would be a better significant other than Sirius…all lies – were walking towards him, looking utterly scandalized. They were gossiping, or at least talking rapidly and in hushed tones. It was better not to call it gossiping, since Lily was a Prefect.

This didn't keep her from grabbing the collar of Remus' sweater as he walked past her.

"Remus John Lupin!" she shouted, sounding terribly like his mother.

"Y-y-yes, Lily?" he stammered.

"You have got to do something about your boyfriend!"

"Oh Merlin…what's he done now?"

"He is sitting in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, drinking Firewhiskey, and moping!"

"So? He can mope and drink Firewhiskey if he wants to."

"Moaning Myrtle haunts the girl's bathroom, Remus," Lily sighed, exasperated.

"Oh…so what do you want me to do about this?"

"You're his boyfriend and you've got a Prefect's badge! Think of something!"

"You've got a badge too," Remus protested. "Why didn't you do something?"

"Do you honestly think he's going to listen to me?"

"Good point, but…that said, why do you care if he's being an idiot?"

"For one thing," Lily explained, "I like you. And you like him, so I'll tolerate him. For another thing, it's hard enough to have a pee with Myrtle being who she is. The last thing I want is for a boy to die of alcohol poisoning and come to haunt the bathroom too."

"So…does that mean you'll tolerate James?"

"If he stops being such an arsebasket to Severus, then yes, I will. Now go be a good boyfriend!"

Remus sighed and went on his way. Having never actually been to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom before, he got lost. In the process, he wound up in the Charms corridor twice, the library once, the trophy room three times, and finally had to give up and ask a group of Hufflepuff first-year girls where to go. At first they were wary, and asked for an explanation. This made it twice in one day that something elicited a sigh from him, but he bit the Muggle-proverbial bullet and clarified for them that he was a Prefect and had heard that his boyfriend was attempting to drink himself to death in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

Luckily, they found this terribly cute and endearing rather than weird and personally escorted him to Sirius.

Or at least to the bathroom…Sirius did not make himself evident at first. Myrtle, however – or at least Remus guessed that was her name – did. Apparently shocked that another person, let alone a boy, was in her bathroom, the ghost of a squat, sad-looking girl came out from one of the stalls and floated ominously in front of Remus. This wouldn't have been so surprising if she wouldn't stare at him so accusingly, but, rather than conform to what he wanted, reality once again left Remus the loser.

"Uh…hello?" he ventured.

"You must be Remus then," she said with a dramatic flourish. "He's been talking about you all morning."

"S-s-sirius?" Remus stuttered.

"Of course Sirius! Other than the two of you, no other boy's ever come near my bathroom. Except his brother, Regulus, but he only ever comes to stare at his reflection. Completely awful for conversation, and he doesn't help make the girls come here. Most of them can barely stand it as it is."

"Could I see him, please?"

"I don't know why you'd want to. He's a complete prat-"

"I meant Sirius…"

"Don't know why you'd want to do that either. He's terribly drunk, it's just awful."

"Please, uhm…Myrtle?" Remus begged. "He's…well, he's special to me."

"Oooh," she cooed mockingly. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"Well…yes, actually."

Myrtle huffed dejectedly and glared at him harder than she already was.

"Of course you are." She sulked. "You would be. The one time I get to make fun of a boy like that, and he actually has to have a boyfriend."

"Couldn't you just do it to the girls?"

"Well, yes, but they've all gotten used to it by now."

"That doesn't mean you can't do it."

"If you're going to be a spoilsport about it, then fine, go see your boyfriend, he's in the third stall from the left. I'll just sit here and cry."

Remus was about to protest and tell her not to cry, but before he could, Myrtle let out a loud, depressing wail and sunk into an empty stall.

Swallowing, and almost choking on nothingness, Remus strode quickly to the third stall from the left. Under most circumstances, he would have knocked first and shown other such niceties, but if Lily and Myrtle were telling the truth, Sirius could have needed help immediately. So he shoved the door open and immediately recoiled.

The sight was just as bad as Lily had said it would be. Sirius was sitting on the back of the toilet, with his feet on the seat. One hand was being used as a support to keep him from falling in, and the other was holding onto a bottle of Old Ogden's Firewhiskey. It was possible that he had neither slept nor bathed, since he looked so disheveled, with rings around his eyes and his black hair going every which way. Although Remus hadn't noticed until now, it quickly became clear that Sirius was thinner than he remembered – almost painfully thin. To make matters worse, his breathing seemed shallow and it took him a good five minutes to stop staring into space. At that, it was only Remus that brought him around.

"Padfoot?" Remus said softly to no response. "Sirius?"

He still got nothing.

"Sirius!" he said sharply.

"Huh? What? Oh, fuck me!" Sirius shouted quickly. "Remus!"

"We can do that once you're sober."

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! You're not supposed to see me like this!"

"And why can't I see my boyfriend in all of his states?"

"'Cos you're a Prefect, you prat!"

"…So?"

"So if you see me drunk, you have to know that I stole the booze from the House Elves!"

"Well…now I do."

"Shit! Fuck! Arse! Damn! Bugger! Millicent Bagnold naked on a cold night!"

"Eeew…Padfoot, I know you're drunk, but, please stop it with the disgusting imagery."

That sounded like a terrible thing the moment Remus had said it, but…it was true. Millicent Bagnold might have been a competent witch AND Minister of Magic, but still…she would have been no prize, even if Remus had a straight bone in his body.

Sighing for the third time today, he moved into the stall and over to Sirius. If any time was the right time to be a good boyfriend, it was now. Remus knelt down – even though the floor was slowly growing wet, he had other trousers, but he only had one Sirius – and wrapped his arms around Sirius' shoulders. Sirius gave some notice, but hiccoughed rather than giving a proper thank you. However, now was no time for Remus to be complaining about how his filthy rich, upper crust boyfriend had no manners. Following the hiccough, Sirius groaned and put his head on Remus' shoulder.

Slowly, but surely, being the more masculine one was proving to be harder than Sirius made it look, since he was usually the one comforting Remus. What would Sirius do? Well…first he would suggest sex. Failing that, he would stroke Remus' hair and let him talk about what was wrong. Right, right…that was a good idea. Remus raised himself up a little, with a knee on the toilet for balance, and put Sirius' head on his chest. Whispering warmly, he stroked Sirius' hair. It felt terribly awkward trying to be "The Man" in the relationship, but he could hardly call himself a good boyfriend if he didn't at least try.

"What's wrong, Pads?" Remus murmured. "It's Christmas, after all."

"Blah, Christmas," Sirius scoffed. "Fie on Christmas. A pox upon Christmas."

"Okay, Scrooge. What else is wrong?"

"My boyfriend is using comparisons that I don't understand!"

"Scrooge is a character from a Muggle Christmas story."

"Oh yeah! Muggles have Christmas too!"

"Yes, Padfoot, Muggles have Christmas too. Now tell Moony what's wrong."

"Blah. It's my mother!" Sirius whined.

"I might've guessed," Remus huffed. "What's she done now"

"I think she suspects something…about us."

"You don't care what anyone else thinks."

"Well, no, but I'm either not related to anyone else or think they're a useless git…or a frigid bitch."

"Regulus and Bellatrix?"

"Regulus and Bellatrix…you know, I think my mother told her to spy on us."

"Why would you say that? I mean, I don't like her either, but, still…she's not that bad."

"If my mother's paying her, then, yes, she is."

"Now you're just being paranoid."

"Uh, Moony…?" Sirius whispered, suddenly incredibly tense.

"What?"

"I think I'm gonna throw up…"

"Shit."

Remus scrambled. It was the only thing he could think of to do. He scrambled onto the floor, pulling Sirius with him. Given the urgency of the situation, he untangled himself from Sirius quickly and set his boyfriend up, bent over the toilet, waiting to vomit. Although it took a few minutes for Sirius to reach that point, the Firewhiskey took its toll on him, and he spent the next several minutes being sick, with Remus delicately holding his hair back. When he finally reached a time when he could no longer vomit what he'd barely eaten, Sirius turned around – he didn't even seem to mind how wet the floor was – and leaned onto Remus. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe the rings around his eyes, but he looked drawn and very tired.

"Damn helpful, those House Elves, Moony," he yawned, teetering between the worlds of the sleeping and the waking. "I say Firewhiskey, and they give me two bottles. Must think I'm havin' a party."

"You had two!" Remus sputtered. Maybe this was the time to be a good boyfriend through tough love…drag him up to Madam Pomfrey and let her handle the inevitable alcohol poisoning.

"No, no, no, no, no," Sirius huffed.

"Then what happened to the other one?"

"Myrtle took it; she said I was hurting myself. Merlin only knows what the crazy broad did with it…I mean, she can't drink it or nothin'…"

And, with that, Remus found himself supporting the weight of all of Sirius' six-feet-two-inches. Normally, Sirius looked quite cute as he slept, but Remus was both shorter and lighter than his boyfriend, and quickly found himself propped up against the stall's wall for support. Merlin, this was an unfortunate situation, and, sadly, one that he was having trouble thinking his way out of. The obvious answer was to take Sirius up to Gryffindor Tower, put him in bed, and let him sleep it off, but when your boyfriend was a good four inches taller than you and proportionally heavier, that was kind of hard. And this was made worse by the quickly approaching full moon and the sickliness it gave Remus.

But wait! Those mirrors that he and James shared – maybe James had his and could help! It sounded slightly insane, but worth at least an attempt. Sighing – and making a mental note to stop sighing – he slid his hand into Sirius' back pocket and pulled out the mirror…and grabbed a feel of Sirius' arse, as he was presented with the opportunity. He almost never got the opportunity, since Sirius was also physically faster than he was and would often grab his hand and tell him to mind where it wandered, and then that git would turn around and do the same thing he had just admonished Remus for doing. Either way, Sirius' arse was nice, but not the issue at hand.

But…how was he supposed to use the mirror? Was there some sort of code word? Did he just have to say James' name? Well…best to start with the easier solution.

"Prongs!" he said, quietly but roughly. "James! Oh bugger, is this thing working? James! James, it's Remus!"

"Moony!" James chuckled jovially through the mirror. "Why are you using Pads' mirror?"

"Because Mister Padfoot is currently drunk and sleeping on my lap."

"Oh well…what do you want me to do about that?"

"You're strong, and Wormtail can help too, just…come and help me carry him to the Tower, won't you?"

"No can do, mate."

"Why not?"

"Snivellus."

"Come off it, Prongs. Sirius needs to get up to Gryffindor Tower to sleep this off."

"So carry him."

"He's bigger than me!"

"Boo, you ponce," James huffed. "Peter and I are going to have some fun. And we wish you the same with your boyfriend. Bye bye, Moony!"

With that, James cut the conversation off. Not that it quite mattered to Remus, as he was already shoving the mirror back into Sirius' pocket and sneaking in another grope. Damn it all! Friends were supposed to help each other out of problems, not forsake each other to go torture a Slytherin, even if said Slytherin was greasy and didn't like them. Stupid, buggery James the Git wouldn't even come help with something simple like carrying Sirius upstairs, that mangy, horned-Animagus prat.

Remus was getting ready to do his impression of Lily into the mirror at a great volume when luck brought him something better.

"Mirror, my love, my wonderful, beautiful love,"someone cooed out in the main bathroom, "just how beautiful am I?"

Excellent! Regulus! Generally, his vanity was a headache-causing annoyance for Remus, but today it provided him with an incredibly convenient helper. It took a few moments for Remus to get Sirius off of himself, but eventually, he found his Padfoot a nice balance and sat him up. To reduce the amount of water he got all over him, Remus leaned him up against the toilet. Shoving himself up, Remus flung the door open loudly, hoping to attract Regulus' attention; sadly, Regulus was completely absorbed in the part of his hair and checking his skin for blemishes. Remus could sympathize, having done the same thing several times himself. But he checked for scars rather than blackheads, and he had never done it in a girls' bathroom, let alone this girls' bathroom.

So Remus waited a while, to see if Regulus would get that he was being watched. But he didn't. He was looking at his reflection, and he was taking a real long time on it, examining every single pore as if it would kill him not to. Or, at the very least, like his face was more important that the fact that his older brother was currently very drunk and passed out on the floor of a girls' bathroom. Granted, he was unaware of this fact, but Remus still felt justified in holding it against him; that was what he got for being a goody-two-shoes arse-kisser who caused his brother loads of unnecessary angst.

Remus cleared his throat loudly, causing Regulus to jump and turn around, utterly panicked. Perhaps it was sadistic of him, but Remus couldn't help laughing on the inside. But, he assured himself that Regulus was a prat and deserved it, and put all thoughts of guilt out of his mind.

"Merlin, Lupin!" Regulus screeched. "Can't you introduce yourself properly!"

"Not when I need help with something," Remus chuckled.

"And…where do I…wait a minute. No one ever comes in here but me. What are you doing here?"

"Well, Sirius-"

"Oh no! You didn't just get done shagging my brother, did you?" Regulus whined, scrunching his entire face up in a disgusted wince.

"No, no! Nothing like that!"

"Then what's up with Sirius?"

"Come take a look."

Remus stepped aside and beckoned Regulus towards the stall. Wary, but more afraid of Remus' Prefect badge, Regulus complied and came over to the stall. He took one look at his brother and, immediately, his gigantic attitude problem disappeared into thin air. Looking quite poncy – albeit genuinely concerned – he turned to Remus. The look of concern faded into one of casual disinterest as quickly as it had shown up.

"Now, I want to take him up to Gryffindor Tower so he can sleep it off," Remus sighed – …he would have to hit himself for this much sighing later. "But he's four inches taller and considerably heavier than I am."

"So…where do I come into this?" Regulus asked incredulously.

"You're going to help me carry him, you ninny."

Wow, he sounded so much like Sirius in his normal state. It was really quite creepy.

"Uh…I don't know, Lupin, I mean…physical exertion's not my thing, you know. And he is YOUR boyfriend-"

"I don't care. He's your brother, so you're helping me carry him."

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm a Prefect and I say so."

"That's an appeal to authority; Professor Slughorn told us all about them in the Common Room last month. Your argument's for shit, Lupin."

Offhandedly, Remus made a mental note to "accidentally" melt another cauldron sometime in the near future. Damn Slughorn and his ideas that the Slytherins needed to know enough about debate to smart off to Prefects.

"Because he's your brother and you care about him?" Remus tried again.

"No I don't," Regulus huffed. "He gets all the attention because he likes to be a rebellious bastard. Breaks our mother's heart to see him dishonoring the family, especially with you – yes, she knows about it, won't tell me how, but she does."

"Because deep down you're secretly a good person?"

"Appeal to emotion. Honestly, doesn't McGonagall teach you Gryffindors how to argue? I mean, you do it often enough that you'd think you'd learn to do it well."

"Because Sirius and I know about you-know-what, and, if you don't want us to tell anyone, then you'll listen to me and do what I tell you."

That was a lie. Remus had no idea about anything pertaining to Regulus' personal life, nor did he want to, really. However, this was a trick James often used to get favors out of unsuspecting first and second-years: pretend to know about some bad thing they did and then threaten them with it. Judging by how Regulus blanched and looked terribly scandalized, it had worked. James would usually follow this up by raising his eyebrows suggestively; Remus imitated this, and obtained the ideal results. Apparently, whatever you-know-what Regulus was thinking of was pretty bad, as he groaned guiltily and rolled his eyes. Somewhere in the back of his head, Remus momentarily wished that he didn't have a problem with slapping the third year.

But Regulus sighed and helped Remus with the terribly drunk Sirius – once again, out of fear of Remus' Prefect's badge. Each of them wrapped one of Sirius' arms around his shoulders and, moving slowly so as not to wake him up and induce another fit of vomiting, they exited the bathroom, with Sirius' feet dragging on the floor.

Naturally, the three of them attracted several stares as they walked down the corridors and up the stairs. After all, it wasn't every day you could see a Slytherin third-year and a Gryffindor Prefect dragging a drunk boy through the corridors. Thankfully, most people were brushed off with a simple, fictitious excuse about Sirius' late night. Some people – mainly Slytherins – sneered at the implications of "late night" when the object of their ridicule was being carried by his admittedly less-than-manly boyfriend and his easily ignored fop of a younger brother. Lucius Malfoy, despite being a seventh-year, took it upon himself to do a none-too-flattering impression of Sirius to his group of friends when Remus and Regulus paused to take a breather.

The great blonde git could have at least left out the nonexistent limp wrist and the completely fictitious lisp. It was enough to almost force Regulus to tears and Remus to the point of jinxing a superior on the Prefects' ladder. And Malfoy would have deserved anything Remus would have given him, but, luckily he didn't have to waste his breath on the undeserving. In a show of nobility and convenience that Remus would have never expected from him, Professor Horace Slughorn chose that moment to wander around the corner, licking crystallized pineapple off of his stubby fingers and humming "Oh Come All Ye Faithful."

Further adding to his utter convenience, he had done this right as Malfoy started to go into a lengthy harangue about the questionable ways that Sirius had used the dungeons – none of which were true…yet. One day Remus might make them true, but today was not that day.

"I dare say, this looks like a fun gathering" Slughorn exclaimed cheerfully as he bounded around the corner, freezing Lucius in mid-gesticulation. "Mister Malfoy, are you playing charades?"

"No, no, not at all, sir," Malfoy spluttered, flushing pink and trying to regain his composure; to avoid any other involvement in the situation, Malfoy tossed his pretty boy blond hair and led his group off.

"Oh, too bad," Slughorn sighed, waving at Malfoy as he left. "I simply adore holiday charades. I…Mister Lupin, what in Merlin's name is wrong with Mister Black?"

"Uh, well…he had a late night, Professor," Remus stammered.

"Doing what? He looks positively exhausted!"

"He was studying for a big test he has, Professor Slughorn, sir," Regulus piped up, finally proving to be useful for something other than menial labor. "He went to the library and must've fallen asleep there. Remus and I found him like this and he wouldn't wake up."

"Oh dear me…are you taking him to the Hospital Wing? He has seemed off color these past few weeks."

"Well, sir, Professor McGonagall said if he was exhausted to just take him up to Gryffindor Tower so he could sleep it off," Remus breathed heavily…it might not have been exactly time for a full moon, but Sirius was weighing heavy on his shoulders, and it was probably worse for Regulus.

"Right," Regulus added, giving a chipper half-grin. "And we figured that if he needed anything else, we could always come and seek your expert aid with potions."

Remus nearly choked on nothingness in surprise, and, without Slughorn's noticing, he cast Regulus an unbelieving stare. Sure, Regulus was a Black, but he was supposed to be the useless one, and yet, here he was – successfully lying his poncy arse off to Slughorn. A part of it was undoubtedly due to how Slughorn had given both of the Brothers Black a place of honor in his Slug Club – which, while annoying since Remus and Peter got left out while James and Sirius got to drink free Butterbeer and eat crystallized pineapple, was proving to have its perks. Slughorn chuckled warmly and mussed Regulus' hair; Regulus clearly disapproved, but he smiled anyway.

"Well, you listen to Professor McGonagall then, boys," Slughorn chortled. "And if you need anything for him, you can come and see me."

"Thank you, Professor," Remus and Regulus replied. For some reason, Regulus didn't seem to find this odd.

Professor Slughorn smiled and went on his way.

Fortunately, they encountered no other interference en route to Gryffindor Tower. Remus gave the Fat Lady the password, and they proceeded into the fifth year boys' dormitories. Huffing and developing a fine layer of sweat on his forehead, Regulus was quick to throw his brother down on any bed – the right one, by some miraculous coincidence. As Remus delicately lowered Sirius into bed, Regulus paced around the dormitory, wiping off his forehead. Trying to keep sighing out of the picture, Remus sat in the bed next to Sirius and began stroking his hair. Quickly, Regulus' footsteps grew louder and he turned on his heel to glare madly at Remus.

"How the HELL do you Gryffindors DO that?" he exploded.

"Be quiet, and do what?" Remus retorted.

"Climb up those STAIRS! EVERY day!"

"Well, you get used to it after a while."

"But…but…STAIRS!"

"Regulus, will you calm down?" Remus huffed. "Your brother's feeling ill and-"

"STOW IT, LUPIN!"

"Oi…" said a very groggy sounding Sirius as he cocked his head up. "…This isn't Myrtle's bathroom…"

"Oh this is just beautiful, Regulus! You've gone and woken your brother up! I've got half a mind to-"

Remus was promptly cut off by Sirius grabbing him around his waist and pulling him down onto the bed. Sirius pulled himself closer to Remus and put his head on the werewolf's shoulder.

"Ravish me, you ponce," Sirius moaned, sneaking in a lick of Remus' ear.

"P-p-padfoot," Remus stammered excitedly, flushing scarlet. "Not now!"

"Why the Hell not? I want your sex now!"

"B-b-because you're drunk!"

"Like that means anything."

"And – and your b-b-brother's here!"

"Let him watch. It's not like he cares."

"But I do!" Regulus protested vehemently.

"Ravish me!"

Remus sat straight up. Under most circumstances, this would be a most welcome event, but…not when Sirius was drunk – or hung-over now, probably…Remus had a terrible memory for the details of alcohol – and Regulus was present. There was a time and a place for everything, but this wasn't it. He tried to scramble away, so he could preserve what innocence Regulus nominally had, what morality Sirius had, and what dignity he had; this endeavor failed miserably. Despite the fact that his reaction time should have been about half what it normally was, Sirius flopped onto Remus' lap and got his arms around Remus' waist.

"Stop it!" Regulus whined.

"Ravish me!" Sirius demanded petulantly.

"Quiet!" Remus yelled.

Both of the Black brothers paused their own trains of thought to stare at Remus, and it was incredibly clear to him why: he'd just yelled at them. He never yelled at anyone, especially not Sirius.

"Regulus," Remus sighed – he didn't want to, but there was nothing else he could do at this point. "Your brother clearly wants things to happen that I'd rather you didn't see."

"Mooooony," Sirius whined. "I'm all sexy and drunk and ready to be ravished!"

"And Sirius, you're clearly only doing this because you're drunk and depressed and you're confusing sex with comfort."

"Okay, Mister Big Smart Prefect," Regulus huffed. "What are you going to do about this?"

"Clearly," Remus explained, "the answer is chocolate."

Instantaneously, Remus felt the confused stares from Sirius and Regulus trying to probe into some hidden meaning he apparently had. What was so hard to understand about "chocolate?" Furthermore – why were they acting like it was such a foreign concept to use chocolate to improve one's mood? That was what Muggles used it for all the time! Actually, that was probably its only practical use. Regulus not knowing this was understandable, since he was mostly just a pretty face (by his own definition), but Sirius had spent the past five years sharing a dorm room with Remus, and it wasn't necessarily a state secret that Remus was a certified chocolate addict.

"Oh, come on," Remus huffed incredulously. "You can't honestly say that you've never used chocolate as a mood elevator before."

"Actually, Lupin," Regulus sighed, "we've never had it before."

Wait…what? They had never had chocolate before? Sure, their mother was apparently a terrible person, but…that was just a crime against humanity!

"You've never, not even once had chocolate?"

"Not so much as a bloody Chocolate Frog," Regulus huffed angrily, staring at his nails.

"You're joking!"

"He's not, Moony," Sirius sighed, shifting his position on Remus' lap.

"Well…why haven't you had chocolate before?"

"Why else? Mother Dearest won't let us."

"But…one: you're at school for nine months out of twelve, and two: why?"

"She thinks it's a nasty thing." Regulus pouted. "A filthy Muggle invention she calls it. And she pays Bellatrix off to jinx us if she sees us anywhere near chocolate."

"Bitch thinks it's improper wizarding pride to eat chocolate," Sirius groaned.

"And think of what it does to your skin!"

Remus paused for a moment, feeling his own skin; other than the obvious scars, he could find nothing wrong with it. So either Regulus was making things up, or his mother was. Regardless of the truth, he was wrong.

"You mean to say that you have never had chocolate," Remus spluttered.

"I believe that's what Professor Merrythought would call 'the take home message,' yes." Regulus sulked. "And believe you me, sitting around the Slytherin Common Room while Malfoy passes out chocolate to everyone but you is enraging."

"Well, we're just going to have to fix that!"

"What the hell are you talking about," Sirius mumbled.

"You two have never had chocolate; I have loads. I'll just give you some."

"But Bellatrix-" Regulus whined.

"So just don't tell Bellatrix," Remus scoffed.

"…I never even thought of that."

"Sirius, get off me for a minute, won't you?"

For once in his fifteen years, Sirius actually complied with a request to stop invading Remus' personal space. Granted, he did so while muttering incoherently about poncy werewolves and their personal space bubbles. Remus brushed it off like a bit of snow on the shoulder. Conveniently, his bed was right next to Sirius', so he slid off and pulled his trunk out from under his bed. There was undoubtedly some chocolate in here; it was just a matter of who got what. Regulus was being a stupid, whining nance, so he was just going to get a Chocolate Frog. If he was lucky, he'd at least get an interesting Famous Witches and Wizards card. Sirius, on the other hand, deserved better. After all, for all his flaws and idiotic exploits, he was the best friend and boyfriend Remus could have ever asked for. But there were so many choices – which one was just right for Sirius and his current state of emotional upheaval?

There was the Cadbury's Dairy Milk, a fabulous example of Muggle chocolate. Every now and then, Remus got a care package from home with a few bars in it and he always made sure to save them. They were easily the best Muggle chocolate ever invented, and he had to make them last. Hmm…no – Sirius would probably prefer to start with something less cavity-inducing.

There was the chocolate in the jade green wrappers that he'd won for being some randomly numbered person to come into Gringott's on a certain day. No, not that. That tasted too pedestrian to give Sirius on his first time. It might forever ruin his taste for the best food under the sun!

Ah, lovely – there was still the Honeyduke's chocolate. This had not so secretly been one of the two main reasons why Remus had hated the summer holidays until he found out about Honeyduke's mail order service, which was why he had held a summer job since the summer before his fourth year. Naturally, the other reason he hated being away from Hogwarts was being away from his friends; also naturally, he hated being away from Sirius the most. Honeyduke's was definitely the best option in this debate, but then there was the sub-debate of "Which kind of chocolate should Sirius get?" To avoid spending any more time digging into his stash than he had to, Remus picked the milk chocolate, tossed a Chocolate Frog at Regulus, and crawled back into Sirius' bed.

Sirius welcomed him by grabbing him in an incredibly tight hug and pulling him down onto the bed. Remus chuckled and mussed Sirius' hair; taking charge of the hug, he forced Sirius into a sitting position.

"How does it work?" Regulus pondered aloud, pointing at the Chocolate Frog.

"You unwrap it, eat the frog, then look at the Famous Witches and Wizards card," Remus explained, attempting to sound disbelieving. "Haven't you ever seen a Chocolate Frog before?"

"Oh yeah…right."

"Now shut up and let the nice Prefect feed his boyfriend," Sirius mumbled.

Regulus nodded and went about his business with the Chocolate Frog. From the sound of it, he didn't make the newbie's mistake of letting it hop away. Finally, Sirius loosened his stranglehold on Remus' torso, and instead nuzzled the werewolf's neck softly. He also snuck in a light kiss, but Remus had no objections as long as he wasn't being begged to ravish his boyfriend in front of said boyfriend's younger brother.

"Is Mister Moony going to give his wonderful, sexy boyfriend some chocolate now?" Sirius chuckled.

"If Mister Padfoot is ready for it," Remus replied.

"Oh, he is. Indeed he is."

"Then Mister Moony will give him some chocolate."

Remus tittered a bit at the third person discussion, and delicately pulled back the wrapper on the big bar of Honeyduke's, revealing gold paper. He pulled this back too, staring lustfully at the sweet, lovely chocolate. Oh he wanted some of it, but he could have some later; Sirius came first. He'd never had any before and he was utterly depressed, whereas Remus could have some anytime he wanted. Then Remus took note that Sirius was staring at the chocolate too, as though he could bring it to his mouth by sheer force of will. The thought was laughable, but quite adorable in a very Sirius way. Slowly, Remus slid the chocolate bar down his thigh, chuckling at how wide and pleading Sirius' eyes grew. He repeated this a few times, but stopped when Sirius started whimpering.

With a warm smile, Remus broke off a bar of the chocolate; Sirius opened his mouth expectantly. Remus moved slowly, so that Sirius was properly tantalized – and so that he got the most amusement out of the opportunity to hold his boyfriend rapt. Besides, it was impossible to properly enjoy your first taste of chocolate unless it was properly built up. That was what his parents had done with him.

Sirius groaned, and Remus gave him what he wanted, placing the brick on his tongue. It took a moment for Sirius to react, but, when he did, it was just the perfect reaction. He fell onto the bed, moaning ecstatically and running his fingers through his hair.

"Oh MERLIN, Moony," Sirius moaned joyously. "It's like an ORGY in my MOUTH! And I'm in the middle!"

"Honeyduke's Chocolate is like that." Remus grinned and broke off a piece of the chocolate for himself.

"But OH, we never give Muggles enough CREDIT!"

"No, no we don't, Pads."

Deciding that he'd waited long enough for his piece, Remus bit into his brick of chocolate, relishing in the delicious, creamy taste of it. There was a reason why Muggle women used it after break-ups – and why Professor Merrythought recommended it for the after shock of being around a Dementor…well, two. The first was the obvious fact that it had some interesting effect on people; the second was that it tasted good. For a brief moment, Remus thought that he heard Sirius griping about something, but he brushed it off. Easily the best part about chocolate was more chocolate, and the best part about that was how tasty it was after you waited for it.

"Uh...Lupin?" Regulus ventured incredulously. "Is this supposed to happen?"

Remus looked up from his personal bliss and stared at Regulus, utterly confused. His own confusion seemed to confuse Regulus, who cocked his head towards and pointed at Remus' lap, which only added to his bewilderment. Seeing no alternate solution, Remus looked down. Lying in Remus' lap was Sirius, but his eyes were watering, he was scratching a red rash popping up all over his face and neck, and he looked like he was trying to hold back a sneeze. Grimacing, Sirius madly scratched at the red stain.

"What's wrong with him!" Regulus shrieked.

"Padfoot, you're allergic to chocolate?" Remus spluttered.

"Well, I wouldn't rightly have known would I?" Sirius sneezed and continued scratching. "Never having had any and all!"

"Regulus, come on."

In a move not entirely unlike James, Regulus merely shrugged, scoffed, and indicated that, since Sirius shagged Remus on a regular basis, the werewolf would just have to deal with it on his own, Prefect's badge or not. Remus huffed and put one of Sirius' arms around his shoulders again; carefully, he stood both of them up. This, however, proved to be a bad idea. Apparently, the sudden shift in position aggravated part of Sirius' allergy, and he promptly fainted, pulling Remus back down onto the bed. Glaring daggers, Remus turned to Regulus, who, sensing a spontaneous existence failure in his future, rushed over to the bed, and took on Sirius' other arm again.

Luckily, going downhill to the Hospital Wing was a lot easier than going up to Gryffindor Tower. Most of the people had cleared out for whatever reason, so no one stopped them to gawk at the sight of a passed out Sirius being carried by two shorter, skinnier boys. They did, however, encounter James and Peter outside the Great Hall, looking absolutely soaking wet, but still laughing hysterically. Remus paused; pent up anger was taking hold of his body. James and Peter didn't notice that there was an incredibly pissed off werewolf standing only a few meters away from them, but Regulus took note of the obvious changes in Remus: he stopped walking and grew stiff. His grip on Sirius' wrist was growing tight enough that he might get close to breaking it. For whatever reason, his right eye had started twitching and he was grinning like a madman.

Finally, James and Peter noticed the other three boys and turned to them.

"Oi, Moony," James laughed loudly. "You have NO idea what you missed!"

"Lupin," Regulus hissed cautiously. "Don't do anything stupid."

"I mean…we got Snivellus SO GOOD! You should've seen that great, slimy git's face!"

"He cast Aguamenti at us afterwards," Peter sighed pensively. "But it was worth it, right, Prongs?"

"Of course it was worth it, Wormtail!"

"And I suppose you've just been having a fabulous time now, haven't you!" Remus interjected, uncharacteristically shouting.

James and Peter quit laughing almost immediately. Remus yelled at them. He never yelled at anybody, even Regulus, who was sighing and looking at the ceiling expectantly.

"And while you two were off torturing poor Snape, I've had to enlist help from Sirius' younger brother just to help him when he's upset because, surprise, surprise – my boyfriend is BIGGER than I am!"

"Moony, I-" James stuttered.

"Don't even say I didn't CALL you, because I DID! And you turned down being a good friend to go upset someone who didn't DO anything to you!"

"We – James – I – Moony," Peter stammered.

"SHUT UP, WORMTAIL! Regulus, come on! You two! Take Sirius' arms! NOW!"

Not wanting to further cross their lupine friend, James and Peter quickly rushed in to relieve him and Regulus of their unconscious, black-haired burden. Without another word, Remus led the motley assembly to the Hospital Wing, where Madam Pomfrey greeted them with her standard "What have you done now" glare. She had James and Peter lay Sirius down in a bed, and placed four chairs around it for each of the four boys; Remus stood in a corner brooding instead. Fearing that he was still too angry to explain the situation, Regulus did and said that, in no uncertain terms, Sirius was a bit of an idiot and allergic to chocolate. When asked about the idiot comment, he merely gave vague details about Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, House Elves, and Firewhiskey. Madam Pomfrey then turned to Remus' corner and asked for clarification. Maybe it was just how mad he was at James and Peter, but Remus failed to think and let slip that Sirius had, in fact, been drinking in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

Madam Pomfrey sighed, utterly exasperated by the whole situation.

"Well, I'll get the allergy potions, those will help," she explained. "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to send an owl to his parents."

"No!" Regulus shouted. "You can't!"

"Mister Black, your parents need to know if your older brother's allergic to something-"

"We never have chocolate at home anyways! Sirius was depressed, so Lupin gave him some. Weren't you listening to me?"

"Indeed I was, and circumstances aside, they'll also need to know if he's drinking himself to death on a Saturday morning."

"But then mother will just send a Howler-"

"As I understand, she's been doing that weekly. Now will you please calm down before I'm forced to sedate you?"

Regulus blanched and nodded compliantly. In silence, Madam Pomfrey bustled off for the requisite potions, handing them to James. There was one potion to make the dizziness stop, one to stop the oral and nasal irritation, another for the eyes, yet another for the hangover, and a thick cream for the rash. After she gave instructions to administer them exactly when Sirius woke up, she bustled off again, presumably to write the letter to Grimmauld Place. Luckily, it didn't take long for Sirius to wake up.

"Hey, gents," he groaned, sitting up and massaging his temples. "The hell are you all here for?"

"Well," James sighed. "Peter and I had only just gotten Snivellus for being a mangy git-"

"I missed it?"

"Yeah, sorry, Pads, but we didn't see you at breakfast."

"Damn it!"

"Anyway, we were having a good laugh about it, when who should come along but your lovely ponce of a boyfriend and your annoying prat of a brother-"

"Hey!" Regulus interjected. "I'm not a prat!"

"Quiet, prat," James retorted. He continued, "Now, we thought that Moony would be appreciative of this jest, even if he was eliciting help from Regulus to get you down here. Instead, well…"

"He blew up at us," Peter sighed guiltily.

"And with good reason!" Sirius snapped. "You know he's only strong on the full moon night, and then he's a psychotic wolf beast, so who cares? Why didn't you help him?"

"Well, we did," James explained hurriedly. "After he blew up at us."

"Speaking of my lovely, exploding ponce, where is he?"

Remus cleared his throat loudly from his brooding corner. Sirius was awake and alright now, so he could hardly justify staying mad at James. Well, no…he could, it just wouldn't be fair at all. Sighing in admission of his mistake – getting angry with your friends, even when you had perfectly good reason, was surely a mistake if things were going to go badly soon – he joined the other boys around Sirius' bed. He tried to sit in a chair like James, Regulus, and Peter, but Sirius seemed to have other ideas, and pulled Remus into bed with him, hugging his boyfriend around the waist.

"Afternoon, Moony my love," Sirius murmured, nuzzling Remus' neck.

"Padfoot," Remus protested meekly. "You need to take your potions."

"Blah, I'll get to them eventually."

"But James and Peter and your brother are here…"

"Not like they care."

"I do!" Regulus piped up.

"Me too," James huffed.

"Go ahead." Peter shrugged.

"No, we're not going to 'go ahead'," Remus huffed. "Sirius needs to stop stalling for time and take his potions like a good boy."

"I will do that under one condition, love," Sirius chuckled.

"What's that?"

"Next time you have a brilliant scheme to cheer me up…use a Cheering Charm instead."

Everyone but Remus fell over themselves laughing at him. Not that he could blame them, really, since his bright idea was the whole reason why they were in the Hospital Wing. Still, he nodded, consenting, and began shoving potions down Sirius' throat.