But Jack wasn't seventeen anymore. In fact seventeen felt like a million years ago, another life. Which, Jack guessed, in a lot of ways, it was. And yet Jack felt seventeen and he really didn't like that. He hated not feeling capable about his talents, he hated second guessing himself. He kept telling himself that he could do this, that it was no big deal, that when it came down to it his instincts would kick in. But the stupid doctor part of his brain was telling him that his instincts wouldn't kick in because he didn't have any instincts for this. Regular sex sure but this wasn't regular sex and it wasn't in the name of procreation and so there was nothing pre-programmed in his brain to tell him how things worked.
Jack figured he could use the doctor thing to his advantage too though. He knew how the human body worked, inside and out, so that gave him a slight head start on things. And he knew how to give a prostate exam which he guessed was fairly similar to the first stages of sex - lubricant, fingers, he could do that. And he knew exactly where the prostate was which he bet was a bonus during anal sex. So Jack could do this. Jack could absolutely do this. He just wished he didn't feel so nervous right now.
When he got back to the cave he found Boone lying on his back on the makeshift bed and reading his recently recovered copy of Watership Down. He put it down as Jack entered and gave him a smile.
"Hey," he offered.
"You really like that book," Jack commented.
Boone shrugged. "Reminds me of being little."
Jack nodded. "I don't think I want to be reminded of being little."
Boone smiled and rolled onto his side. "So you all freed up now?"
"Yep," Jack said. "I think I'm officially off duty for the day. Not that I'll ever actually be off duty again for the rest of my life the way things are going but I think I'm all out of chores for now. Yeah, I think I'm free."
Jack knew full well he was rambling on like an idiot and judging by the little smile on Boone's face, he'd picked up on it too. Jack sighed and looked down.
"Don't you hate anticipation?"
"Hate it?" Boone asked.
"I hate it. It makes you too conscious of everything. It makes you try and plot a route from A to B when you should just let it happen," Jack said.
"Anticipation's good," Boone said. "It's a scientific fact that things are better after anticipating it than if it just happens out of the blue."
Jack looked at him. "Scientific fact?"
Boone shrugged. "Something like that," he said. "But anticipation's good. Like when you know something's gonna happen but you just don't know when and everything feels really charged, there's an edge to everything, a nice edge, and when it finally happens it's all heightened because you're so ready for it, y'know."
Jack smiled at him. "Just gives me butterflies."
"Butterflies are good," Boone conceded.
"Not when you feel like you're gonna throw up for an hour straight," Jack shook his head.
"Please don't throw up on me," Boone requested.
"I'll try not to," Jack told him.
Boone smiled at him and Jack got up and moved over to the bed. Boone shifted over and Jack laid down next to him.
"Look, we don't have to do anything here, Jack," Boone told him. Jack opened his mouth to speak but got cut off. "Yeah, I know, you want to, blah blah." Jack gave him a look. "I'm just saying, anticipation and butterflies aside, let's just see where it goes. It doesn't have to go there."
Jack had to wonder where Boone got off being so understanding about everything. It was incredibly sweet, yes, but it also made it impossible to be able to tell what Boone actually wanted, if Boone wanted anything at all, he was always so willing to give up his own wants and needs to please other people.
Jack put his hand on Boone's hip and leaned forward, kissing him softly on the lips. Boone responded and tried to deepen the kiss but Jack stayed in control and kept the kisses sweet and innocent. There was no button and no people, just him and Boone, and he was intent on making this last as long as he could. But he soon found himself getting impatient and when Boone's tongue ran over his lips he found himself opening his mouth regardless of what his brain was saying. As Boone's tongue met with his he started to feel himself seriously going and he knew that from here on in his brain was going to have very little say in what happened.
He gently rolled Boone onto his back, following him down, as he felt Boone's hands starting to wander and was also vaguely aware of his own hands doing the same thing. He put both his hands under Boone's shirt and felt the smooth skin under his fingertips, and then under his palms as he pressed down for more contact. He could feel the slightly raised areas of fresh scars on his torso that he barely even noticed anymore, he'd spent so much time obsessing over them, but for some reason they were registering right now and he was starting to wonder why.
He broke the kiss and pulled the shirt over Boone's head. Boone tried to pull him back down again but Jack found himself tracing his fingers over the scars, mesmerised by them.
"Yeah, I know, they look kinda horrible," Boone said, watching Jack's fingers.
"I think they're amazing," Jack told him. Boone looked up at him. "You nearly died, Boone. You have no idea how close you came."
Boone shrugged and smiled a little but he looked unsettled. "You saved me."
Jack stared at the angry red lines. They'd fade over time but they'd never fully go away, they'd always be there as a reminder. Jack wasn't all that sure what they were a reminder of though. Jack knew that on some level they were a reminder of his work, proof that he really had saved Boone, that he really had come close and Jack really had brought him back. But Jack didn't really like that idea, he didn't really want to take all the credit. He was a doctor, he did what he had to do and he would have done it for anybody whether he loved them or not. He didn't really want to be a hero anymore, he'd played that role before and it didn't end well. When you were put on a pedestal you tended to, sooner or later, fall off it.
He leaned down and kissed the lines that criss-crossed over Boone's chest, following each one from beginning to end and then skipping to the next and then, just to be thorough, kissing the whole area over and over and over. He felt Boone relax underneath him and he started making little pleased noises that Jack really couldn't get enough of. Boone's hand went to rest softly on the back of Jack's neck which sent shocks up and down his spine.
Boone started to pull Jack back up, lightly but insistently, and Jack shifted as he moved, repositioning himself between Boone's thighs which just highlighted how hard they both were. Boone pulled Jack's shirt over his head before Jack leant back down and connected their mouths again, no pretence of taking it soft and slow and gentle anymore as they pressed their mouths and tongues together with everything they had.
Jack thrust down against Boone and found himself flashing back to the time that Boone came to visit him in his cave and they wound up doing just this. As they ground into each other Jack could feel that this wasn't going to be enough, he needed more, and he was absolutely ready for it if he could just work out what he was doing.
First things first, he needed to get rid of the remaining clothes. Without breaking the kiss he managed to get his hands to Boone's waistband and start work on the fastenings, Boone quickly joining him and working on Jack's own pants. As they got them undone Jack moved away and quickly rid them of their remaining items of clothing before resuming his former position and claiming Boone's mouth once again. Without the layers of denim acting as a barrier between them, Jack's senses went into overdrive and he could feel every little thing in the best possible way. And as they started grinding into each other once again, their mouths locked together and moving against each other with lips and tongues and teeth, Jack knew they had to move things onto the next stage pretty soon or it was all going to be over before they even got a chance.
He pulled away from Boone and rested his forehead against his, catching his breath and trying to slow his heartbeat to some kind of sensible rate because right now he felt like he might have a heart attack before he ever found out if he could really do this or not.
"Jack?"
"Don't," Jack said, not opening his eyes.
"No, I'm totally on board," Boone told him. "I was just wondering, do you have anything. Cos you know, well, I don't know if you know but you need something to..." He stopped and watched as Jack pushed himself up and knelt in-between his thighs, reaching out and grabbing the aloe plant. "What you gonna do with that?" Boone asked.
Jack smiled at him and snapped off one of the leaves, squeezing the cool gel onto his fingers, making sure he had them coated.
"Oh," Boone said. "So you do know."
"I got a general idea," Jack said, hoping he sounded at least partly confident.
"I like that plant," Boone said.
Jack smiled at him again. "You okay?" he asked.
Boone nodded and shifted a little, opening his legs a little wider to allow Jack access.
"Okay," Jack said. "Okay. Just, stop me if I hurt you."
"You're not gonna hurt me, Jack," Boone told him.
"I'll go slow," Jack said.
"Do something," Boone requested. "Unless you don't want to," he quickly added. "Total no pressure deal."
"It's funny how when someone says 'no pressure' you always feel immediately pressured," Jack mused. "I guess there's something in that reverse psychology stuff."
"You're making small talk," Boone observed.
"Sorry," Jack said.
"I think it's kinda cute," Boone told him.
"But you want me to get on with it now, right?"
Boone opened his mouth to say something but stopped as Jack eased a finger inside him, being slow and careful and just a little timid. Boone closed his eyes and then opened them again and settled them on Jack with a look that Jack didn't ever think he'd produced on someone before. And Jack worried that this was all going to feel a little clinical, what with his obsessing over prostate exams for the better part of the day, but there was no way in hell this could feel anything other than sexual. The look in Boone's eyes and the feel of him around Jack's finger, it was all the furthest thing from clinical that Jack could imagine. It was absolutely passion and longing and love.
Jack knew that Boone wasn't new to this and he could take it faster if he wanted and he could actually feel Boone getting a little impatient under his touch but he really wanted to take his time over this for both their benefits. So he carried on with what he was doing until he himself couldn't stand it anymore and then he slid in another finger, seeing his end goal all too clearly and trying to just pace himself.
And so he spent a long time preparing Boone, far longer than was necessary he was sure, but he really wanted to make sure everything was set-up properly, so to speak, before things got fully underway. Boone said that Jack wasn't going to hurt him and Jack really hoped that was true but he wanted to make sure it was true. When he was satisfied that Boone was sufficiently ready he slid out his fingers and leaned down, kissing him again. He pulled away after a moment and looked at him.
"Okay?"
"I was okay ten minutes ago, Jack," Boone assured him. "I'm good."
Jack nodded. "Okay." He leaned in and gave him a last kiss. "Stop me if I hurt you."
"You said that bit already," Boone told him.
"Just promise me," Jack requested.
"Do you seriously think I wouldn't let you know?" Boone asked. Jack looked at him and Boone rolled his eyes a little. "I'll let you know."
Jack nodded again and sighed, moving back and positioning himself. He snapped off another leaf of aloe and coated himself, just to be on the safe side. He looked at Boone for final confirmation and then shifted carefully forward, trying to keep a slow but steady movement until he was fully in. He closed his eyes against the sensation but then forced himself to open them to look at Boone who was biting his lip and looking breathless and completely irresistible.
"You okay?" Jack asked him. Boone smiled and nodded. "Does it hurt?"
"I'm okay, Jack," Boone told him, sounding a little irritated. "You okay?"
Jack nodded. "I'm pretty great."
Boone smiled at him again. "Okay then."
"Okay," Jack repeated.
And then he started to move. Just barely at first, slowly making little thrusts, ignoring what his hormones were yelling at him and concentrating on being cautious and making sure everything was ready before he started really going for it.
It felt different, Jack noted. Really different. Somehow he thought it would feel more similar than this but this was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Not in a bad way, but it still took him a little bit of adjustment. But once he got up the confidence to really start moving and his thrusts got deeper and a little faster then he started to melt into the sensations and really appreciate them. And this was better. Better than Kara Jansen and Gillian Foster and Lauren McKindley and Tammy Kazinski and Sarah Shepherd. This was something else completely. Everything was heightened, every felt so close and tense and good. And if someone had told Jack that it could be like this then he would have been doing it years ago. But he had a suspicion that it was more to do with the fact that it was Boone than with the act itself but either way Jack never wanted to be doing anything else.
Jack leaned down further towards Boone as he continued moving inside of him and then he took Boone in his free hand, using his other hand to support himself, and then everything started to slip out of focus as they started moving together, all touching and feeling and kisses whenever they could get close enough to each other. And then Jack remembered the prostate that he'd been so obsessed with earlier and shifted his angle slightly, hoping he could transfer this from the chart as easily as a medical procedure. It took him a few strokes and slight adjustments and then he felt it and he knew Boone felt it too from the way he made this noise that was between a sigh and a moan and it was officially Jack's favourite noise ever.
Jack knew it wasn't going to last very long. He knew it the second he started but right now he felt so close that it hurt. And he didn't want to come, not yet, he wanted to make it last, he didn't ever want to stop. But his body wasn't giving him much say in the matter as everything stepped up a gear and started to take itself out of his control. His movements became more instinctual as he got closer and he realised that, despite his earlier doctorly musings, that this really did feel like the most natural thing in the world, whether it was or not. And with that realisation he felt himself truly going over the edge and losing everything into Boone.
He tried not to stop the movement of his hand because he could feel that Boone was close but he'd also lost most of the control over his own body so he knew his strokes were erratic and messy but he managed to get Boone there anyway, arching his back and muttering something under his breath that could have been Jack's name.
Jack withdrew carefully and shifted to lay beside Boone, throwing an arm over him. They remained in silence as they both caught their breath and just generally took a minute to come down from the experience.
"That was okay, right?" Jack asked.
"Jack, you know I wanted to," Boone replied.
"No, not that sort of okay, not permission okay," Jack said. "I mean was it..."
"Good?" Boone asked, smirking at him. Jack rolled his eyes. "It was very good," Boone replied. "Very very good. It was fantastic."
Jack let out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. "Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" he smiled, with no small amount of pride. Not that it was all down to him, there were undeniably two people there, but he quite liked the way he got through it anyway. No major freak outs, so that was a bonus.
"Don't worry, Jack, it's another one in the win column for you," Boone told him.
"I didn't realise you could win with sex," Jack said.
"Oh, everybody wins with sex," Boone smiled, closing his eyes.
"I'm not great at everything," Jack told him.
"Don't," Boone warned.
"Don't what?" Jack asked, looking at him.
Boone didn't bother to open his eyes. "Don't turn this into some excuse to evaluate your life," he replied. "Just go to sleep, okay?"
Jack smiled. "I thought you were the one with the over thinking things."
"I think we could both do with letting go a little more," Boone allowed.
"Letting go," Jack mused out loud. "I'm not great with letting go."
"So hold onto me," Boone said. "But close your eyes."
Jack shifted a little closer to Boone who turned onto his side and moved into Jack's touch, lining his back up with Jack's front. Jack pulled him close and then reached for the edge of one of the sheets, pulling it up over them. He closed his eyes and let everything slip away as the warmth from Boone's body slipped into his own and their chests rose and fell together.
"Love you," Jack mumbled, quickly losing his grip on consciousness.
"Love you," Boone repeated and Jack was sure he heard a smile in his voice.