Martha & The Grocery Store

Summary: Reno & Rude are in the grocery store, as per request of Vincent. Vincent is with Martha Stewart making Geostigmic muffins, does your brain hurt yet?

A/N: Before you read this I must say that I have no idea what I was on and a lot of things might not make sense. All I have to say is that Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson are the same person. Don't ask. Now read! Fwee! w

Martha walked onto the stage and took her place behind the kitchen counter. " Today on Martha Stewart Living we are going to show how to make muffins. These aren't just ordinary muffins though! They are (drum roll)….. Geostigmic Muffins! And now ladies and gentlemen please welcome Vincent Valentine!"

The crowd all clapped and cheered as Vincent (otherwise known as Vinny) walked onto the stage and struck a pose.

"Hell-O everyone! I am sooooo glad to be here today. I mean Martha, she is just a doll!" Vinny continued do some gay hand motions as Martha brought out the ingredients and various tools.

"Well, Vincent while you do those poses, I'll get on to telling the crowd what we will need, 'cause ingredients are key!" Martha smiled and the audience shielded their eyes from the light that shone and a 'shwing' shortly followed. "It's pretty simple, all you need is a butter churner, someone to work the butter churner, flour, some chickens to lay the eggs—"

"Martha dear," Vinny interjected, "we mustn't scare everyone with these big words like 'churner' and various items that no one actually has unless they're Martha Stewart or Michael Jackson. Basically just drop by your local grocers, and pick up muffin mix, eggs, milk & geostigma!" Vincent put on a frilly apron and proceeded to bring the items that he needed out of he fridge while Martha put away her slave, chickens, Michael Jackson and such. " I sent along my two DARLING, bestest friends to the store so they could show us exactly WHERE to find all these items!" Vinny smiled and sparkles appeared around him with a few roses. Him and Martha then turned around to the TV that slid down from the ceiling.

"Yo! Vincent! Why are we here? You told me this was the 'Candy 'n' Coffee Store'!" Reno took out his shock stick and shook it at Vincent.

"Now now Reno, you will get your coffee and sugar after! But first, we need to find us some muffin materials! Ha! That rhymed. Ahahaha!" Vinny laughed and flicked on the laugh sign flickering above the audience. They then proceeded to laugh fakely.

"I think Vincent has officially lost his sanity." Rude then walked around the store and ended up in the fish section. "Remember kids, stay in school and eat protein if you wanna become like me! Protein can be found in fish, eggs, and any other meats. I eat 6 servings a day to keep this body pumpin'!" He flexed his muscles and flashed a smile that, like Martha's, was followed by a shiny noise.

"Rude, your fat." Reno poked him with the shock stick and giggled. "Tee-hee! Rudey is on fire!" He said in a kiddy voice.

Rude just took off his glasses and wiped them, he then put them back on and stood there.

5 minutes later

"Rude?" Poke. "You know, once you go black you never go back, yo."

"…"

"IDIOT!" Rude started running at Reno and Reno ran around the store screaming.

"Make him stop! (wail) Vinny! Rude's bullying me! (more whining and crying) You're a big meanie!" Reno turned around abruptly and hit Rude with the shock stick. He then began to run again.

"Reno I'm gonna take that shock stick and (Censored) and then I'm gonna (censored) And then I'll hang you off of the ShinRa building and let Rufus (censored)!"

Vincent hit the screen and started yelling. "Reno! Rude! If you don't stop I'm going to ground you both and take that shock stick and your glasses collection away you hear me! We are in the presence of Martha! Don't you fools get anything?" Vinny glared some more.

"He started it!" Reno yelled and pointed to Rude. "I wasn't the one monologing about stupid protein and not being on task!"

"You weren't looking for muffin mix though either! You were in the frozen food section playing with the shiny wrappers and then in the medical section eating all the birth control pills! You know women need those!" Rude looked at Reno and took a fighting stance.

"And who says I'm not a woman?" He smirked and took a fighting stance too.

"That's it. You two are both in big trouble. Rude, I want all those glasses on my desk in 1 hour and Reno I want that shock stick on my desk, along with your plushie collection.

"Awww! C'mon! but my favourite bed time one too, yo!" Reno did puppy eyes and stared at the Vincent.

"Even the Cloud one, this is punishment!" Vincent crossed his arms and looked at them expectantly.

Rude walked off sulking and a few minutes later he came back with all the ingredients. "Here it all is. Well, except…"

"Where do you find Geostigma, yo?" Reno looked at Vincent quizzically.

"Hm.. good question. I guess we'll just chop Cloud's arm off." Vincent got a evil glint in his eye and took out his gun.

"H'o shit! You are NOT gonna get my arm you freak!" Cloud shot up from the crowd and took out his buster sword. "and Reno, why in ShinRa's name do you have a plushie of me!" He thought for a bit and then shuddered. "Wait…eeew! I don't swing that way man!"

"We could just drop Jenova's head in" Martha offered.

"Well, sounds less of a mess. Let's do it!" Vincent ran off to et Jenova that he had conveniently stored in the fridge. "I knew I brought you for a reason. Ain't that right my little Jenovy!" Vincent started doing baby things with Jenova's head. "She's just so cute, isn't she?" He looked expectantly at Martha.

Drip…Drip… Jenova's fluid started to pour all over the floor.

"Yeah, sure…" Martha grimaced and turned back to the screen.

"You think that's safe, yo? I hear done person tried that too and when they put Jenova in and Kadaj just came and stole the muffins. It was devastating for the chef, yo."

"That must've been heartbreaking for the chef, I mean losing one's muffins is a heavy weight to hold." Vincent looked down thoughtfully and a single tear spilt from his eye.

"Anyways, back to the muffin making!" Martha quickly switched the subject and offered a tissue coupon to Vincent. "It's gonna be ok Vinny."

Vincent then prepared to make the ultimate Geostigmic Muffins when a voice interrupted.

"Today's show provided by ShinRa, your best source for power. Destroying the world and recreating Sephiroth one universe at a time!"

"No! Not yet! I haven't shown the mixing technique!" Vincent curled up on the floor and cried.

"Also sponsored by Strife delivery Services. We deliver anything. And we mean anything. And come for our new 'Tifa' special, it's like nothing you've ever had before!"

"That was just wrong yo. I'll never think of Tifa in the same way." Reno shuddered while Rude just cried anime-like over his glasses collection being gone.

"It's ok Vinny…" Martha sat with Vincent and handed him tissues.

"NINJA!" Yuffie ran around the room and started to hit everything with her ninja star.

"Kaa-san! KAA-SAN!" Kadaj went into the fetal position and bawled his eyes out.

"And I thought I was the cry baby of the family." Loz just stared and laughed.

"Me too." Yazoo agreed.

"Bra1ns!11!1!one! N33d M0r3 Bra1ns!1!1one!eleven!1! L33t Bra1nzzz!" Sephiroth crawled on the floor in search of brains. "N00000b!"

Aerith arranged flowers and places a ring of flowers on everyone's head. "Let there be peace on Earth."

"Shut up you tree hugger." Cloud whacked her with his buster sword. He then gave Zack a high-five.

"Point!" Tifa changed the scoreboard. Cloud:1 Aerith:0

"PWND!" Zack yelled.

Fin
A/N: Yeah, I'm a total crack-head. I chose to write it the traditional way, not like 'Vincent: "I'm gay" etc. XD I'm so grammatical at times. I haven't written in a while so I guess it's time to get back into it even though it's exam time lol. I should also update my other fic, 2 Weeks (Samurai Deeper Kyo), so for those who follow, look out! w I guess what's it for now. Also, I might change my pen name, We shall see.

Xoxo

Hellsingz-own-psychotic