Losing Control
"Is this what you want, Sara? Is it?" Grissom roared at the top of his voice, sending a tremor through Sara.
Sara stood speechless, as Grissom pinned her against the wall of the office. She could feel his breath on her face and feel his body tremble as he loomed over her.
She had never seen Grissom so angry and his eyes bored through her. He dropped his eyes dropped to look at her lips and then looked back up to her eyes but the anger did not leave them.
Grissom was holding her hands tightly by the wrist as he continued his tirade.
"What's wrong Sara, suddenly lost for words?" The bitterness in his voice made her eyes sting with tears and she looked at him incredulously.
"Grissom, I ………." Sara started to speak but found herself unable to reply. And
for the first time in their long and complicated relationship she actually felt afraid of him. He had pushed her roughly against the wall and her wrists hurt where he was holding them tightly.
Then he kissed her, not the soft, gentle kiss she had often imagined but a rough, demanding kiss, his beard rubbing roughly against her face.
And then he looked at her again with anger and said "I asked, is this what you want?"
Then, as suddenly as Grissom had flared up the look in Grissom's eyes changed, the anger subsided and was replaced by something Sara couldn't quite place. With a sharp intake of breath, Grissom let go of her and stepped back.
"Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. This was not your fault…..I am so ……. Jesus"
And with that Grissom turned and walked out.
Sara looked after Grissom, trying to process what had just happened.
She replayed the scene in her mind. Grissom had been sitting in his office at the end of shift. He had been studying a photograph intently and she had just come in to say Goodbye, as was now their customary routine.
Sara had smiled at him, but he looked so serious Sara had asked him if everything was OK. He didn't answer, just stood up and walked away with his back to her. And she put her hand on his shoulder. And that was it……he blew up.
Sara was shaking from shock, from hurt and then from anger.
She hadn't done anything wrong, had she? No, she had gone through it over and over in her mind. She hadn't done anything inappropriate and she certainly hadn't intruded…hell, his door had been open. She quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen the altercation. But no, the lab was relatively quiet and no one seemed to be interested in what was happening in Grissom's office.
Slowly, Sara looked around and made her way to her car. Although she was angry and confused, the prevailing feeling was one of sorrow. She and Grissom had come a long way together and their relationship had actually improved over the past year where she was no longer painfully aware of the rejection she had suffered. And now it seemed things were worse than ever. Sara sighed and for the first time in months she thought again of her future. A future she now realised would not be in Vegas. "Damn You Grissom" she thought as tears threatened to spill over.
Sara lay in bed, and though her bidy and mind were screaming with exhaustion, sleep would not come. She kept replaying the painful scene again and again. And every time she replayed it her heart would lurch and the painful feeling would make her heart tighten. Grissom had hurt her in the past, probably more than he realised. But this was different, he had been so angry. Although he had been rough, he hadn't physically hurt her….but the potential had been there. And that scared her. Gradually sleep came.
Sara didn't know how long she had been asleep when she heard the knock at the door. Instinctively she knew who it was. And she froze. Had he come for another confrontation? No, that wasn't Grissom. He had probably come to apologise and assume that everything would go back to normal. Back to the safe and sterile relationship that had been their compromise for the past few months.
When Sara opened the door, her treacherous heart betrayed her and she actually felt sorry for him. He looked so scared, so vulnerable, and so sorry. Of course she knew he would be sorry. But dammit she couldn't let him do this.
"Sara, I………." Grissom looked into her eyes and then looked away.
"Go away Grissom, I have nothing to say to you"
"Did I hurt you?" She heard the shake in his voice and felt a perverse pleasure that he was in pain.
"You always do, Grissom" Sara spat back at him.
"Can I come in?" His voice was soft, pleading and Sara again felt for him. She wanted to say everything was OK and not to worry but she knew this had to be resolved for once and for all.
"Why, Grissom? Do you want to slap me around again for a while?" Sara knew her words were cruel but she wanted to hurt him, wanted him to feel her pain and hurt.
And then when she looked at him, at the horrified expression on his face, she regretted what she had said.
"Come in Grissom. Say what you have to say and then go"
For a long time there was a heavy silence between them. Grissom was breathing deeply and Sara knew he was trying to compose himself. Sara stood and looked at him and for the millionth time wondered why she was so captivated by this man. Yes, he was handsome. But he was shy, introverted, greying and his profile showed a hint of middle age spread. And then he looked at her with those smouldering blue eyes and she melted.
Slowly, he came towards her. Although he said nothing and there was nothing threatening in his manner, Sara involuntarily gave a sharp intake of breath and stepped back. Grissom flinched and a look of horror settled on his features. Although her mind was screaming at her not to, instinctively she held out her hand to him.
Slowly, Grissom took her hand. He stepped closer to her and slowly he took her hand up to his face. Sara realised then what he was doing and she shook her head. "Its OK Grissom, you didn't hurt me" "Physically" She added after a pause.
He continued inspecting her wrist and then slowly lifted her other wrist giving it the same gentle inspection. All the time, Grissom avoided her eyes. Sara watched Grissom, fascinated. The atmosphere in the room was electric and she didn't know what to say. Sara realised that she was actually holding her breath.
"How about an explanation? That might help" Sara looked at Grissom and he eventually looked at her.
"That's the problem Sara. I don't have an explanation" Grissom looked at Sara despairingly. "I had a rough day and I took it out on the one person I care more about in the world and I don't know why"
Sara slowly let these words register and continued to look at him cautiously, not wanting to react too quickly to his words.
"Look, I am OK. It was just one of those things. I think we should just stay out of each others way for a while. We obviously rub each other up the wrong way and we should just……….." Sara's voice trailed off as Grissom shook his head.
Grissom slowly raised his hand and as gently as he could he brought his hand up to Sara's face and cupped her cheek. Sara looked at him uncertainly but he looked at her with such tenderness Sara couldn't help but be moved. Slowly he moved his hand around to caress the back of her neck.
"Sara, I have dreamed of kissing you for years. And the way I dreamed of kissing you for the first time was not the way I kissed you today. And that is something I will regret for the rest of my life" Grissom's voice caught and Sara saw the tears in his eyes.
"Griss……."
"This is the way I dreamed of kissing you"
Slowly, Grissom brought his mouth down to Sara's. Ever so gently he brushed his mouth against her lips. Slowly and tenderly he kissed her. Then he waited. "Is this OK?" He whispered gently as the tears rolled down his cheeks.
"It's OK Grissom" Sara whispered back as her own tears began to flow.
Slowly, Grissom put his arms around Sara and pulled her to his chest. All the time, he kissed her ever so gently, his beard tickling her face and his lips softly moving against hers. It was Sara who deepened the kiss. Slowly she slipped her tongue into Grissom's mouth, feeling a deep satisfaction as she heard him moan in pleasure and felt the rumble in his chest.
They stood like that for what seemed like an age, just kissing and exploring each others mouths with their tongues, Grissom's armed wrapped tightly around her. Sara realised that Grissom was holding back and slowly she began to explore him with her hands. And gradually, gently, Grissom began to do the same.
"I'm not going to break, Grissom" Sara said, breaking off the kiss with a smile. "You are treating me like I might break in two"
"Sara, I am so sorry for what happened today. And I just want to this to be perfect. I don't want to rush anything or make you feel in any way threatened" Grissom's eyes searched her eyes and looked surprised when Sara laughed.
"Grissom, 6 years is hardly rushing things"
Grissom laughed. "OK, I deserve that but OK"
Then his face became serious "Sara, we do need to talk about what happened today. I lost control and I hurt you. And that is the last thing I ever wanted to do"
Sara sighed "Look Grissom, I know we need to talk, we have a lot of things to talk about but I am really tired and I need to go to bed"
Smiling, Grissom leaned in for a deeper, hungrier kiss
"Why Miss Sidle are you propositioning me?"
"Yes!" Came the honest reply.
Grissom suddenly lifted Sara up off her feet. Although it was meant as romantic gesture the mood was ruined somewhat by his groan and comment "God, you are a lot heavier than you look Sara"
As Sara laughed, Grissom blushed and stammered "Sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate that you were ……..ummmm……God, I am so bad at this"
"Grissom just take me to bed. We have all the time in the world to talk"
THE END