Disclaimer: i own the plot and Anna. nothing else. Please don't sue me. I have a guitar and a Walmart smock. You can have the walmart smock.
The next morning I got out of bed as quietly as humanly possible so that Anna wouldn't wake up. On my way to class I stopped at one of the several million Starbucks that have sprung up all over The City. Back in California I never drank coffee, I never even drank coffee when I lived in Brooklyn before I moved, but life in Manhattan post-Jesse demands caffeine, and lots of it. Lucky for me it seems that there are at least two Starbucks on every block.
Praise God for massive corporations.
I made it to NYU just in time for my first class, but then proceeded to completely zone out through the next two hours.
Anna knew about Jesse.
ANNA knew about JESSE.
Maybe that doesn't seem like such a big deal to everyone out there who is completely secure in their sanity, but for me it was like one of those cracks on your windshield. You know, the ones where are relatively small rock hits it and cracks it just a little bit, but it slowly becomes bigger until you have this gigantic hole in your windshield and when your mom finally notices it she starts to consider the possibility that her offspring may be mentally disabled.
Not that this happened to me or anything.
How did I get on to this? Right. Anna. Jesse.
My problem wasn't that Anna might find out the truth about Jesse, she probably wouldn't be all that freaked out. No, my problem is way bigger than that.
Anna bringing up Jesse made him real again.
Okay, I've probably just confused the shit out of you. I don't mean to say that Jesse isn't....wasn't real. But for the past year I've carefully avoided even thinking his name. Static. That all that was left. A fuzzy sound, image, smell, you name it, where he used to be. It's worked too. I've been fine.
Okay so that's a lie. I haven't been fine. I've been functioning. I've been getting by. I've been holding up. All the supportive synonyms people use at funerals to describe a person with a very well placed mask.
I know, I know. Any decent physiologist would be horrified by this kind of grieving, and I guess on some level I do realize that what I'm doing is only going to work in the short run, and probably land me in massive therapy later on in life. But I can't think about later on in life. Later On In Life is a place guidance councilors and parents talk about as if it's a foreign country. Maybe it is. I don't really care. At this point it's hard enough to survive in the present, let alone deal with Later On In Life at the same time.
That's why I don't have any plans for the future. It's not because I'm juvenile and irresponsible like my mom has told me many times in the past year. It's because if I plan my future, that means I'm going to have to plan it without Jesse.
"Ms.Simon? Ms. Simon? Class is over." I glance up into the face of the professor. What was his name? I knew this once.
"Ms. Simon?"he repeats looking worried. I sigh,
"Yah... yah sorry." I saw grabbing my bag and giving him a weak smile before walking out the door. I walk quickly down the hall, almost running by the time I get to the door. When I get outside I don't go back to my dorm, I keep walking up town. I end up in Central Park, standing in front of the Alice in Wonderland statue. I stare at it for a second, then I push my bag over my shoulder and start climbing up it. I sit next to Alice.
"I would have had the Cheshire Cat knock off the Queen if I was you." I said looking at her, earning me a weird look from a passing older couple. Alice doesn't respond obviously, her face molded into the same expression she's been wearing for the past howevermanyyears. For some reason it's hard for me to believe that New York City didn't just spring up exactly as it is, that this Alice in Wonderland statue hasn't existed for all eternity. For some reason it's strangely comforting.
I sit on that Statue from noon until around 6, when the sun starts setting.
Jesse would've like this.
I try to call him. For the first time since he....left....I try to call. Nothing. I get nothing.
"I miss you." I whisper, leaning against Alice. I don't notice I'm crying until I see a tear sliding down her cheek, and realize it's coming from me.
"Miss? Excuse me...miss?" a voice says behind me. I wipe my eyes and turn around. A tall guy stands awkwardly next to the statue, running a hand through his hair, obviously having noticed me crying. "Um...you should really be getting home, this park is kind of dangerous after dark." he says scuffing his feet in the dirt.
"Yah."I say swiping the back of my hand over my cheeks, "thanks." He smiles and walks away, turning back a few feet away to make sure I actually got off the statue. I wave and he grins and salutes me. I walk back to my dorm, realize I forgot my keys and have to buzz Anna for about ten minutes before lets me in. She leans over the banister on the landing as I walk up the last flight of stairs.
"Hey," she says smiling, "there's some guy here, says he knows you from California."
The next morning I got out of bed as quietly as humanly possible so that Anna wouldn't wake up. On my way to class I stopped at one of the several million Starbucks that have sprung up all over The City. Back in California I never drank coffee, I never even drank coffee when I lived in Brooklyn before I moved, but life in Manhattan post-Jesse demands caffeine, and lots of it. Lucky for me it seems that there are at least two Starbucks on every block.
Praise God for massive corporations.
I made it to NYU just in time for my first class, but then proceeded to completely zone out through the next two hours.
Anna knew about Jesse.
ANNA knew about JESSE.
Maybe that doesn't seem like such a big deal to everyone out there who is completely secure in their sanity, but for me it was like one of those cracks on your windshield. You know, the ones where are relatively small rock hits it and cracks it just a little bit, but it slowly becomes bigger until you have this gigantic hole in your windshield and when your mom finally notices it she starts to consider the possibility that her offspring may be mentally disabled.
Not that this happened to me or anything.
How did I get on to this? Right. Anna. Jesse.
My problem wasn't that Anna might find out the truth about Jesse, she probably wouldn't be all that freaked out. No, my problem is way bigger than that.
Anna bringing up Jesse made him real again.
Okay, I've probably just confused the shit out of you. I don't mean to say that Jesse isn't....wasn't real. But for the past year I've carefully avoided even thinking his name. Static. That all that was left. A fuzzy sound, image, smell, you name it, where he used to be. It's worked too. I've been fine.
Okay so that's a lie. I haven't been fine. I've been functioning. I've been getting by. I've been holding up. All the supportive synonyms people use at funerals to describe a person with a very well placed mask.
I know, I know. Any decent physiologist would be horrified by this kind of grieving, and I guess on some level I do realize that what I'm doing is only going to work in the short run, and probably land me in massive therapy later on in life. But I can't think about later on in life. Later On In Life is a place guidance councilors and parents talk about as if it's a foreign country. Maybe it is. I don't really care. At this point it's hard enough to survive in the present, let alone deal with Later On In Life at the same time.
That's why I don't have any plans for the future. It's not because I'm juvenile and irresponsible like my mom has told me many times in the past year. It's because if I plan my future, that means I'm going to have to plan it without Jesse.
"Ms.Simon? Ms. Simon? Class is over." I glance up into the face of the professor. What was his name? I knew this once.
"Ms. Simon?"he repeats looking worried. I sigh,
"Yah... yah sorry." I saw grabbing my bag and giving him a weak smile before walking out the door. I walk quickly down the hall, almost running by the time I get to the door. When I get outside I don't go back to my dorm, I keep walking up town. I end up in Central Park, standing in front of the Alice in Wonderland statue. I stare at it for a second, then I push my bag over my shoulder and start climbing up it. I sit next to Alice.
"I would have had the Cheshire Cat knock off the Queen if I was you." I said looking at her, earning me a weird look from a passing older couple. Alice doesn't respond obviously, her face molded into the same expression she's been wearing for the past howevermanyyears. For some reason it's hard for me to believe that New York City didn't just spring up exactly as it is, that this Alice in Wonderland statue hasn't existed for all eternity. For some reason it's strangely comforting.
I sit on that Statue from noon until around 6, when the sun starts setting.
Jesse would've like this.
I try to call him. For the first time since he....left....I try to call. Nothing. I get nothing.
"I miss you." I whisper, leaning against Alice. I don't notice I'm crying until I see a tear sliding down her cheek, and realize it's coming from me.
"Miss? Excuse me...miss?" a voice says behind me. I wipe my eyes and turn around. A tall guy stands awkwardly next to the statue, running a hand through his hair, obviously having noticed me crying. "Um...you should really be getting home, this park is kind of dangerous after dark." he says scuffing his feet in the dirt.
"Yah."I say swiping the back of my hand over my cheeks, "thanks." He smiles and walks away, turning back a few feet away to make sure I actually got off the statue. I wave and he grins and salutes me. I walk back to my dorm, realize I forgot my keys and have to buzz Anna for about ten minutes before lets me in. She leans over the banister on the landing as I walk up the last flight of stairs.
"Hey," she says smiling, "there's some guy here, says he knows you from California."