DISCLAIMER:
Like we said before…we humbly apologise to JK Rowling and whoever wrote the Bible, but like…it's just too funny. But yea, we don't own Christianity and we don't own Harry Potter…I mean, don't you think we'd be like…REALLY RICH if we did? So yea, go away, stupid lawyers.
Fan: AND WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Woo: And live in action!
Fan: Here's the second instalment of our little parody crackfic
Woo: It's probably not as good as the first chapter, but hey! Who cares?
Fan: And just for the record…all mentions of bloated pigs and baby killer whales are not directed at fat people…
Woo: It's just used for Vernon and Dudley…
Fan: And besides, JK Rowling used those terms as well…
Woo: So theoretically, we're not guilty of being offensive
Fan: We would also like to extend our sincerest thanks to the following people for their reviews-
Woo: Rinjii, FireTemptress, Eirias2, Fluff Inc, and Ryuuka.
Fan: We would also like to thank SKRowling for putting us on her Favorite Stories list, and Aubrianna for putting Jesus Potter onto her Parodies C2 community.
Chapter 2- Lily visits Petunia
CHAPTER WARNINGS: Husband-defamation, sisterly bitchfighting a la Jerry Springer style, slight offences to "fat" people (if you take it that way)
In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen.
A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…
While James was at work one day, Lily drove down to Little Whinging to see her ugly sister Petunia for no reason at all, but seeing as though Mary visits Elizabeth in the original text, Lily is obliged to visit Petunia.
She parked in front of Number 4 on Privet Drive and went into the house of Vernon Dursley.
Lily greeted her sister rather restrainedly.
When Petunia heard her sister's greeting, the baby bounced madly within her.
Petunia felt like the Holy Fawkes was spontaneously combusting inside of her and said in a snide voice:
"What on earth are you doing here? Crawling back here because you finally realised that Potter was no good? Well, you can't stay here! And how dare you curse me with your hoodoo voodoo and make my baby scared and give me excruciating uterus pain!"
"Why on earth would I want to crawl back to your hovel in the first place? And for your information, James is as lovely as ever, which is more than I can say for your fat lard of a husband. I have no idea why I bothered coming here," Lily said in annoyed tone. She turned right around and stopped at the door with a sweet smile on her face.
"Petunia dear, have I ever told you I have always likened you to a pregnant horse? I will certainly delight in seeing the excess skin hanging off your nonexistent hips after you give birth to your poor child. Wonder what he'd look like? A whale like his dad, or a bony donkey just like you?"
The door then slammed shut.
3 months later…
The time came for Petunia to have her baby, and she gave birth to a son.
Her neighbours all thought that she must have done something to piss the Dumbledore off because her son looked like a bald and bloated pig.
When the baby was a week old, they were going to circumcise him and were going to name him Hezakiah Bartholonew Nebuchadnezzar. But his mother said, "No! His name is to be Dudley."
The child grew and developed in body and spirit. Mainly in body more than spirit, since he became roughly the size of a baby killer whale at the age of 14 (but that's a different story…). He lived in Privet Drive and lived to bash the living daylights out of other poor, defenceless kids until the day he 'saw the light' and decided to make public sermons at the local children's playground.
To be continued…
Fan: Now that one was really short…
Woo: I liked the part where 'Duddykins' bounced inside his dear mummy.
Fan: Personally I liked where Petunia felt like Fawkes was combusting inside her…wow…is that how pregnant women feel?
Woo: I wouldn't know…
Fan: Anyway…don't worry, Harry will come into being in the next chapter…
Woo: We just had to get all the nitty gritty out of the way first…
Fan: By the way, any suggestions are welcome for future chapters!
Woo: Reviews will also be worshipped too!
Fan: Tell us what you'd like to see happen and some scenarios we could include!
Woo: Unintelligent flames will be collected, laughed at, and displayed in a chapter at the very end of our little crackfic…because we think stupid flamers are mindless homo sapiens who have nothing better to do than offer invalid opinions with no sufficient evidence to back them up whatsoever.
Fan: The damn filter on won't let me make a smiley face. Boo. Oh well.