DISCLAIMER:
For the third time…we humbly apologise to JK Rowling and whoever wrote the Bible, but like…it's just too funny. But yea, we don't own Christianity and we don't own Harry Potter…I mean, don't you think we'd be like…REALLY RICH if we did? So yea, go away, stupid lawyers. Oh, and the 'Quidditch World Cup' instrumental orchestral score, however lovely it sounds, is the brainchild of the oh-so brilliant Patrick Doyle…and we both soooo totally wish we owned this song…
Fan: We extend our thanks to the following reviewers because they rock:
Woo: FireTemptress, hp-Lover-4-Ever, The Real Evil Penguin, sodchick, koolgamer, HalfSithalready, darkrosemoon, Immortal Phantom, and lady of the frozen black flame.
Fan: And we are honored by being added to the Favorites of hp-Lover-4-Ever and koolgamer.
Woo: And to darkrosemoon: thank you for the suggestions, but we had already completed this chapter soon after we posted the second chapter. Sorry! (bows deeply)
Fan: And now…
Woo: We've come…
Fan: To the moment…
Woo: You've been waiting for…
Fan: Here is…
Woo: Our take…
Fan: On…
Woo: The…
Fan and Woo: CHRISTMAS STORY!
Chapter 3- The Birth of Harry Potter
CHAPTER WARNINGS: Improper use of phrases from Saiyuki, lots of AWWWWWWWWW-ing, a crazy and psychotic Karkaroff, illegal hijacking of transport and driving over the speed limit, overload of angelic visions, making a mockery of Viktor's accent…
In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen.
A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…
At that time, the Quidditch World Cup was on in England. Everyone was obviously very excited and flock-loads of wizards and witches Flooed, Portkeyed, Apparated or flew to England.
James drove Lily to Diagon Alley and while they were there, the time came for her to have her baby.
So after much excruciating labour pain, much side-to-side, rickety movements made by the transport and unnecessary coarse language- most of it directed unintentionally at James, Lily gave birth to an adorable little boy who looked just like James (thank Dumbledore, she thought) on a bed on the Knight Bus- because the Leaky Cauldron was packed to bursting point and St Mungo's was full due to an unprecedented increase in the amount of patients who all claimed that they had been visited by a somewhat familiar teenage angel who was high on crack.
It was such a peaceful scene and then:
"OY! STOP MOVING THE DAMN BUS YOU CRAZY FRICKIN' BUS DRIVER!"
James sweatdropped and just patted Lily's hand lovingly and said: "Yare, yare, desu ne…" (see translation at the bottom)
(A/N: Woo wails in anguish at the improper use of Hakkai's (a character from the Anime Saiyuki) key phrases…Fan just cackles maniacally…)
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There were two Care of Magical Creatures teachers- a half-giant and an old woman (ie. Hagrid and Grubbly-Plank) nearby, who were tending to their flock of Thestrals. Of course, considering the fact that no one in this fic has died yet, the sight was quite odd…
Viktor, another angel of the Dumbledore appeared to them and the twinkle of Dumbledore's eyes blinded them temporarily. Hagrid and Grubbly-Plank were terribly afraid, but the angel said to them:
"Do not being afraid! I am here vis good news for you and also am delivering zis fine from za Ministry of Magic for illegal possession of 'Zestrals…but I am talking beside za point…You vant to be finding za Knight Bus yes? Zere you finding very cute little baby who vill growing up to very very sexy (rawr)…and vot else I supposed to say? Oh yes, you must vorship him or Dumbledore vill not assist you in za court hearing and Lily and James vud like it if you bringing gifts yes?"
Suddenly a great army of macho Durmstrang angels appeared next to Viktor and to the tune of the Bulgarian section of Patrick Doyle's 'The Quidditch World Cup' (as heard during the Quidditch World Cup scene in the fourth Harry Potter movie) started doing complicated acrobatics and twirled giant poles which emitted random fireballs which were gathered leftovers of the Holy Fawkes' latest suicide/resurrection attempt.
When the angels went away from them, the Care of Magical Creatures teachers were still trying to rub their eyes from being blinded by the twinkle of Dumbledore's eyes. Unfortunately, because they were trying to regain their eyesight, they had missed every word the angel said.
Fortunately though, the Knight Bus just happened to park in front of them right at that moment and indeed they saw a very adorable little baby in the arms of a very pretty red headed woman. They all went:
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
And paid him homage with presents of rock cakes and a complementary 'The Monster Book of Monsters' book which unfortunately attempted to bite the poor baby…
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A few days later (for the Three Kings did not arrive until the 6th of January) some men who studied the secret passages to large, giant old architectural structures and then devised magical maps to aid troublemakers walked past the Knight Bus. Earlier on, they had bumped into Karkaroff on the street who had demanded them to give him a baby to kill (see, Azkaban turned him loony) and so were setting off in search of a suitable victim. They looked into the windows of the Knight Bus and were surprised:
"OH MY GOD! IT'S JAMES! LOOK YOU GUYS! IT'S JAMES!" exclaimed the Moony, Remus
"OH WOOOOOOOOOW! IT'S OUR SUPER LEADER!" gushed the Wormtail, Peter
"WOAH! JAMES KNOCKED LILY UP! GOOD ON YA MATE!" roared the Padfoot, Sirius
At that instance, Lily threw a frying pan at Sirius's head, who promptly ducked.
"Sirius don't be rude! Wow…how have you two been? Though I must say James, it's a pity you're not doing the business with us…you could have made it so much more life-threatening and death-defying!" said Remus.
"Ahhh…well…Lily needs me and I have a family now…besides…she's more life-threatening and death-defying than any old Marauders' Map…"
"James…"
"Only kidding dear…" James stuttered nervously.
"Hey where's the little tyke? Let's get a good look at the offspring of our wonder-couple!"
The Three Marauders looked over at Lily's arms and saw Harry lying in swaddling clothes looking very adorable. They all went:
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Hey James, you don't mind if we give him some presents now do you?" asked Sirius.
"Oh no, go ahead!"
And so the Three Marauders worshipped the lovely baby.
Sirius gave Harry the gift of 1000000000000000000000000000000000000 Gold Galleons.
Remus gave Harry the gift of a year's sack-worth of Dungbombs and Stink Pellets and a Create-Your-Own-Insta-Poltergeist DIY kit.
Peter gave Harry the gift of a life-size toy Dementor.
Harry opened his eyes and blinked owlishly and giggled with delight. And everyone went:
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (breathe)
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (breathe)
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (breathe)
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"Hey James, do you mind if we crash here for the night on the bus with you guys?" asked Sirius.
"No, go right ahead."
That night, the Three Marauders were visited by another angel of Dumbledore, Fleur. She smiled beatifically at them and they were all entranced by her dazzling beauty and were practically drooling.
That is, until she snapped at them very un-beatificallyand said: "If you go to zat 'orrible man Karkaroff tonight and tell him about ze baby, you vill be pecked to death by a 'orde of angry Veela! Shame on ze three of you for attempting to keel an innocent child!"
The next day, the Three Marauders escaped London through the Underground Railway to avoid Karkaroff and the supposed angry horde of Veela. Like they wanted to kill their best friend's son anyway…
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That night, Cedric, Viktor and Fleur all appeared to James in a dream:
"Man…like you probably won't believe me…but like…you're totally in danger maaaaaaaaan…"
"You needing to get owt of here, as soon as possible yes!"
"Ze 'orrible Karkaroff is going to keel your son!"
"OMGWTF! Why are you all prancing around in front of me? What's going on? LILY! DID YOU SLIP MUGGLE HALLUCINOGENS IN MY COFFEE?"
"COOL DUUUUUDEEE! YOU'RE HIGH TOO!"
(slap) "Cedric, be quiet! You are making zis poor man deestressed! You should be ashamed!"
"Both of you be qviet…you are making a scene…and ve are vasting time here…Karkaroff vill be here soon!"
"Ummm…I'm sorry, but what's going on? Who's Karkaroff? Why is he going to kill Harry?"
"Oh…like…he's a psycho, maaaaaaaaaaaan…he's high…but like, in the baaaaaaaaaaaad way duuuude…like…he was in the Azkaban Mental Institution and like he likes killing babies…which is like…soooo…wrong duuude…"
"Oui, but zat is besides ze point, ze point is, you must commandeer ze Knight Bus and drive to Scotland and stay zere for a while until eet is safe."
"Scotland?"
"No time, no time, you must be going now, ve vill tell you ven to come home yes?"
"Uh…ok…I still have no idea who the fuck you three are or why one of you is high, one of you is Bulgarian and one of you is a French part-Veela, but ok…"
And so that night, James kicked Ernie the bus driver out of the driver's seat, gave him a very strong Sleeping Draught and hijacked the Knight Bus. Driving like a mad lunatic and obviously breaking the speed limit, he drove Lily and baby Harry to Scotland where they spent a month eating haggis and listening to bagpipes 24/7.
Meanwhile, Karkaroff was so pissed off that the Three Marauders had tricked him that he attempted to go on a baby killing spree. Unfortunately he was so wasted from drinking too much Firewhiskey at the Leaky Cauldron that he collapsed in a slump outside and kept screaming "KILL ZA BABY!"
Luckily though, the wards at the Azkaban Mental Institution had found him and carted him back to the Institution under threat of Dementor torture, thus spoiling any plan to commit infanticide.
A month later, Viktor appeared to James in another dream and screamed: "VAKE UP!"
Then Fleur interjected and said: " 'URRY UP AND TAKE ZE FAMILY 'OME!"
Then Cedric blew in and said: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT BUT I'M OUT OF ANGEL POWDER!"
So after a very bad sleep in which James' ears felt like he attended a Weird Sisters concert, he drove Lily and Harry back to London and discreetly put a still-sleeping Ernie back in the driver's seat. From then on, the family lived in peace (sort of) at Godric's Hollow where Harry would soon grow up to be a fine, upstanding young man…
To be continued…
(Yare yare, desune: Oh dear, oh my, etc)
Fan: (phew) OMFG WE'VE FINALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER!
Woo: Wow…it was sooooo long…
Fan: I really enjoyed this one…I really did…Now Christmas seems a lot more fun…
Woo: It should, since we're kinda taking the piss out of it…
Fan: What do you think the Nativity plays at primary schools would be like if they followed this storyline?
Woo: They'd probably think the kids were high on crack and forever ban Nativity plays for the rest of their lives…
Fan: GAAAAAAAAAAAAH, stop killing my smileys, stupid filter!
Karkaroff: GAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ROAR! GRRRRR! (GNASH) GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Woo: WTF…who let him in here?
Fan: Don't look at me…where's the Dementors when you need them?
(Dementors float in from nowhere. Fan and Woo don gas masks for…obvious reasons…)
Woo: After all, they aren't good kissers. And I would like to add that Fan did most of the work for this chapter, so yeah…appreciate man…
Fan: Yes, applaud me! Buahahahahah!
Draco: Excuse me! When the hell am I going to come in! I'm more important than Potter!
Woo: You'll come in when we're ready for you, now go practise your pole dancing…you're gonna need it…
Fan: (drools) Oh don't worry, you'll 'come' in soon…(snicker)
Woo: Perverted Draco kugger…personally, I much prefer Harry shirtless and underneath a hot smexy dude…(drool)
Fan: (drools as well) But I wuuuve my smexy Draco in leather- oh wait…we're spoiling it…(winks conspiratorially at Woo)
Woo: Oh yes…we should shut up now…(winks conspiratorially back at Fan)
Draco: What in the hell is going on! I say, I demand to have a grand entrance!
(Fan and Woo drag Draco out the door and shove him in his dressing room)
Fan: Is he really that excited to make his entrance into this fic?
Woo: Well…considering he doesn't know what he's going to do…
Fan: You'd think he'd get a clue by now after we loaded his dressing room with leather S and M bondage-ish clothing and made him take pole-dancing lessons…(shakes head)
Woo: Now now, we're spoiling it for the viewers (grin)
Fan: CURSE YOU, STUPID FILTER. GIVE ME BACK MY SMILEY FACES.
Woo: Well, until next time…review please?