DISCLAIMER:
We don't own Harry Potter.
We don't own Christianity or the Bible.
We don't own the song 'Do the Hippogriff'.
Do not sue us.
Thank you.
And university is annoying.
That's why we took so long.
Fan: Here we are again!
Woo: Back with another crack chapter!
Fan: ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT HOGWARTS! ARE YOU READY? AAAAAAAAAAA! (head bangs)
Woo: While Fan is going psycho to 'Do the Hippogriff', I will be extending thanks to the following reviewers: HeyyBabyy, DracoisHot906, JadeLilyMalfoy, darkrosemoon, FireTemptress, Fortheheckofit, hp-Lover-4-Ever, and koolgamer. Further thanks go to the following for the honor of being added to their Favorites: HeyyBabyy, DracoisHot906, JadeLilyMalfoy, Fortheheckofit (x2) (wink), and basketball.gal.
Fan: CAN YOU DANCE LIKE A HIPPOGRIFF! NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA etc.
Woo: I'm pretty sure I do not recall any dancing Hippogriffs in Harry Potter.
Fan: Oh sure they do! Remember when Buckbeak was dancing with Draco? Oh wait…I forgot…he was attempting to kill him…
Draco: EXCUSE ME!
Fan and Woo: (laugh hysterically)
Fan and Woo: (in a girly mock-Draco tone) OMG IT'S KILLED ME! IT'S KILLED ME!
Draco: (pout)
Fan: (squee) Oh honey, stop doing that! It makes me just wanna pinch your cheeks!
Woo: (gag) Ok, let's stop teasing him, otherwise he'll bail out on us…
Fan: Hai, hai. Anyway…here's Chapter 4!
Chapter 4- The Boy Harry on the Quidditch Pitch
CHAPTER WARNINGS: Extremely loud and enraged Lily, abuse and mis-use of capital letters and foul language
In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen.
A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…
Every year, the parents of Harry Potter went to the final match of the English National Quidditch League.
When Harry was 11 years old, they went to the match (this year being the Cannons vs. the Tornadoes).
When the match was over, with the Cannons winning by 20 points, they Apparated back home, but the boy Harry stayed at the Quidditch pitch.
His parents did not know this; they thought that he was hiding underneath James' Invisibility Cloak like he always did as a little joke.
It wasn't until they got back to Godric's Hollow and James checked the Marauders' Map on the wall that they realised that Harry was not in the vicinity.
James yelled: "OMGWTF!"
Lily screamed: "OMG JAMES THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN HIM THAT STUPID CLOAK OF YOURS!"
"BUT LILY IT WAS YOUR IDEA!"
Lily pretended not to hear that and proceeded to run around the house Stunning every random object her spells hit (including poor James), screaming: "MY BABY!"
After James recovered from being Stunned, he calmly said to Lily: "Lily dear, Harry is an 11-year old BOY, not an FOETUS…"
The world then went black for James as a rather large frying pan slammed into his face and knocked him out.
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Since their search of the house was both fruitless and pointless, James and Lily decided to go back to the Quidditch pitch where the final was held and look for Harry there.
On the third day (Dumbledore knows why they took so long considering there aren't many places in a Quidditch stadium you can hide in…) they found him flying around the air like a little bird on a spiffy-looking Firebolt, amazing the adult Quidditch players with his natural talent and prowess at catching the Snitch.
Lily then promptly fainted and James whooped with delight when they saw Harry pull off a particularly dangerous Wronski Feint.
When Harry landed back on the ground, Lily took him aside and said: "Harry…" in a voice more dangerous than a Blast-Ended Skrewt.
Harry winced, and resisted the urge to block his ears for the incoming onslaught.
"WHAT IN THE BLOODY BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP DID YOU THINK YOU WERE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP-ING
DOING? YOU COULD HAVE BEEN BEEEEEEEEP-ING KILLED, YOU MORONIC BEEEEEEEEEEP! YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP OF A FATHER!"
James looked almost injured by her admonitions. Harry felt like the Weird Sisters were singing 'Do the Hippogriff' in his ear on perma-play at max volume. And Lily had wondered where Harry got his potty mouth from.
(A/N: Fan snickers at the pun 'potty' and demands the cursed filter return her smiley faces.)
When Lily ran out of breath and voice, Harry tugged on James's sleeve and asked in a very quiet voice: "Why did you marry mom?"
"If I told you Harry, that would earn me a week-long stay at St. Mungo's."
Harry blinked owlishly once again. "I don't get it."
"You will someday. Just for now, umm…it's best if you stay away from girls eh? Especially if they look like your mother…"
"EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU JUST TELL HARRY?"
"Nothing darling, nothing…"
"Anyway, that's not the point, the point is, Harry, I am not having you fly around on a broomstick and doing dangerous things like that! You might turn out like your father and grow an over-sized head from being so 'talented' at Quidditch!"
"But Moooooooooom! I'm really good at it! And anyway, I got Dumbledore's permission to play!"
"He has a point, Lily, I mean, hell, I've never seen anyone catch the Snitch like that…I couldn't even catch the Snitch like that, let alone do a Wronski Feint and well…you can't really argue with the Dumbledore now, can you?"
Lily was about to retort scathingly and tell James just where he could STICK his WONKY FAINT, but then Harry's large green eyes were blinking pleadingly at her and she found that the green of his eyes practically Avada Kedavra-ed the words she was about to utter.
"Oh alright fine…but if you start strutting around and behaving like a bloody ponce, Harry, you'll be praying to Dumbledore to send you a miracle when I'm through with you! And you James! If Harry gets so much as a fractured wrist, you're paying for the St. Mungo's bills!"
Harry beamed at Lily and he and James went obediently back to Godric's Hollow with Lily…well, maybe not that obediently, since they were plotting which broom James could nick from work for Harry.
After several Quidditch accidents over the years, mainly involving a Quaffle landing in Sunday night's soup, Bludgers flying through the windows and the Snitch somehow getting lost up Lily's shirt (James rather enjoyed extracting it after Lily stopped attempting to kill him), Harry soon grew in body (especially to run away from a Lily in one of her 'Hungarian Horntail' moods) and in heart (so he could charm Lily into forgiving him for running away in the first place).
To be continued…
Fan: And we're done…
Woo: After you kept mussing up my poor hair of course…
Fan: Hey! Your brain needed stimulating!
Woo: So does yours.
Fan: Excuse me, at least my brain is more stimulated than yours.
Woo: LIEEESSSSSS.
Fan: Whatever. And stop using Parseltongue p Anyway…that chapter was kinda not funny (pout)
Woo: I was not using Parseltongue and yeah, I am inclined to agree…it was short too (glum)
Fan: WE NEED MORE IDEAS!
Woo: We need sugar.
(assistant runs up and brings a jar of sugar)
Fan: (sweatdrop)
Woo: (sweatdrop)…Wait, can I throw the sugar at you?
Fan: EXCUSE ME! I DID NOTHING TO WARRANT THE SUGAR BEING THROWN AT ME!
Woo: OH YEAH? WHO KEPT MUSSING UP MY HAIR AND TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE HARRY GONE WRONG, HUH?
Fan: (completely ignores that statement because Woo saying 'Harry gone wrong' has just reminded her of 'Honlon gone wrong') GIVE ME BACK MY SMILEY YOU BLOODY FILTER.
---Honlon is the character of the three-headed dragon in the anime 'Petshop of Horrors'. This statement derived from the time when Fan saw an episode of 'Yami no Matsuei' and there was a really ugly three-headed dragon and Fan just immediately thought of Honlon. Thus the phrase "Honlon gone wrong". Note: Honlon is very pretty…that's why.
Audience: …(blank stares)
Woo: I knew they wouldn't get it. Anyhow, pleeeeaaaaaassse review. :D We like reviews and we need more ideas…