Lee sighed as he put down his pen. The easy part was over. He had written up the report of his meeting with the cylon like his father had ordered. It was brief, citing only the few aspects of their conversation that were relevant to the fleet. He knew though that it would be heeding the cylon's advice, so carefully omitted from his report, that would be the difficult part. Lee thought back to the cylon's words. Start by remembering what she said in that cockpit. Start by remembering that you're the one she said she loved. But it was easier said than done. Since his rescue, Lee knew he had cut himself off from everyone and everything he still cared about. It had been a deliberate and painful act of self-preservation. But Lee now acknowledged that it had been the wrong path to follow. It had left him empty and bitter. It had driven him to jeopardize his position by so uncharacteristically lashing out at his subordinates. And it had driven Kara away from him, for what he was sure must be for good.
A flash of anger enveloped him as he thought about Kara again. The cylon had made it all sound so god damn simple! But how could anything with Kara ever be straight forward. Nothing ever was. Lee shook his head with frustration and looked down at his desk once more. Tomorrow's flight roster lay before him. Flying. That was the one thing that had ever been simple between them. It was the one part of their relationship that worked. Out there they were a seamless team. And maybe, just maybe, if he put that team back together again it would be a first step to fixing everything else as well. He scrawled their names side by side on the schedule and sat back with a sigh of satisfaction. At least it was a start to making things right, however small. He knew his father had been right earlier, Lee had got lost. And it was time he found his way back home again.
He jumped out of his chair, with what, compared to lately, was an unusual vigour, and went to hand in his report and post tomorrow's roster. On the way back to his office he passed the senior officers' quarters and paused. The sofa in his office was not exactly comfortable. Perhaps it was time he returned to sleep with his crewmates and stopped cutting himself off from them all. He pressed his hand to the door and went to push it open but stopped again when he heard a familiar laughter inside.
"One step at a time Lee," he murmured to himself as he turned away and continued to his office. "One step at a time."
The next day Lee tried to catch a moment with Kara before their flight duty together. Although he had no idea what to say to her, he at least wanted to lift his ridiculous order forbidding her to speak to him. But it seemed that Starbuck had become as much of an expert in avoiding him as he was in avoiding her. She no longer sat on the front row in the briefing room, but instead had taken to uncharacteristically skulking at the back, avoiding eye contact and escaping through the exit as soon as he finished talking. Later, she had already been in her viper ready to take off when he arrived on the flight deck, and he could hardly carry out a conversation with her in the air with the whole of the CIC listening in. Still, he had to admit there was something comforting about just being out there with her again, despite the silence. It was, he felt, a step in the right direction.
It was already evening when Lee found her. He had decided it was finally time he entered the senior officers' quarters, determined to try and make at least some amends for his recent actions. But the sight in front of him stopped him in his tracks. There was Kara. Sobbing. Helo's arms were wrapped around her as he rocked her back and forth on her rack, whispering into her hair that everything was going to be alright. Lee took an involuntary step back. He had never seen Kara cry before, not even when Zak had died. And here she was, crying into another man's arms as if there was to be no tomorrow. Lee stood and stared at them. He was filled with a mix of concern, a desire to comfort her and a jealous fury that it was Helo holding her and not him. Eventually he took a step towards the rack.
"Kara?" he whispered. He crouched down by her side and put a hand out to stroke her hair, then pulled it back with a sigh. He didn't know what he should do, what he should say.
But Helo had no such uncertainty.
"You should get out of here, sir" he said tensely. "She doesn't need any more of your shit right now. Can't you see she's got enough on her plate? Why don't you just leave her the frak alone?"
Lee pulled himself upright. He was damned if he was going to let this jumped up cylon-frakker of a lieutenant tell him what to do where his Kara was concerned. But a strong hand rested on his shoulder and restrained him.
"Gentlemen." It was his father's voice behind him. "I'm here to speak with Starbuck. Please can you leave us alone for a moment."
Lee and Helo continued to glare at each other, each unwilling to be the first to leave Kara.
"Apollo. Helo," the Commander continued. "That was an order, not a request. Do I need to repeat it?"
"No, sir." The two men responded and Lee reluctantly turned to leave the room. As he looked back, he saw Helo disentangle himself from Kara and whisper in her ear once more. He stubbornly waited for Helo to leave the rack first before following him out, taking one last look at Kara's tear stained face as his father approached her. Then he shut the door behind him.
"What the frak was that all about?" Concern mixed with anger in Lee's voice as he snapped at Helo.
"Don't you know, sir? I mean it was all thanks to you anyway!" There was no confusion in Helo's voice. He was furious.
"What the frak are you talking about?"
"The cylon. That report you did after you met with him yesterday!" Helo shook his head in an effort to regain control as he turned to Lee once more. "The old man just had him executed. Apparently it was no longer considered a risk to kill him. Apparently you told them he couldn't transmit anything back to the rest of the cylons."
Lee nodded. His copy had known this would happen. Lee thought it was why he had told him in the first place. For some reason he had wanted to be executed. And Lee had known this would be the result of his report, he just hadn't expected it to happen so quickly.
He turned to Helo and couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "So what, Kara's in there missing her little fiancé then?"
"You son of a bitch!" Wham! Helo's punch struck Lee's jaw and Lee reacted immediately with a strike of his own.
The two men stood and glared at each other once more, Helo wiping the blood from his nose and Lee rubbing the split eyebrow that was going to lead to a beautiful black eye.
"I shouldn't have said that about Kara." Lee finally began, hanging his head. "I just..." he paused, struggling to find the right words, then let out another sign of frustration. "Frak, I don't know." He slammed his fist on the wall. "I don't know what the frak I'm doing any more." he admitted, more to himself than to Helo.
"Kara was there, Apollo. She was there at the execution. Her and the old man." Helo began to explain. "It was the first time she'd visited him since you came back, you know. The first time they got to talk. And I think maybe it helped. Or will have helped, in the long run at least. But I don't think she can see that right now. I mean right now she just watched the man she loved be executed."
"He was a cylon." Lee whispered tiredly.
"He was you Apollo. Just stop and think about it for a minute will you. Think about what it must have been like for her and the Commander to watch you die like that. Whether it was the real you or a copy of you or whatever, I don't care. He still looked like you, still acted like you. So you tell me how that's not going to haunt them. 'Cos it would sure as hell frak me up. Just stop and think about it will you."
Lee turned back to stare at the closed door. His father and the woman he now admitted he loved were in there together. And what were they doing? Mourning him? Or at least that frakking copy of him that they all seemed to have loved so much. While they left him, the real Lee, locked out on the other side of the door. Alone. Maybe the cylon should have killed him and taken his place after all. Everyone would have been a damn sight happier.
It was all too frakked up for him to deal with right now. His one step forward now felt more like a giant leap backwards again.
"I'll be in my office if anyone needs me." he told Helo, and turned away down the corridor as Helo slid down the wall and waited for the door to open.
to be continued...