Chapter 23
WHOOSH! The door flew open, causing Lily to squeak and fall from her chair, "Good afternoon, Miss Evans. I'm delighted to see you chose to arrive early." He wasn't but he knew Lily wouldn't give up, not if she seemed to be anything like Hermione once was. I still can't seem to think of them other than my friends, even if their betrayal hurt the worse.
"Uh, yes, Sir." She had been entertaining herself with the various objects around the office. Some she had never seen before. "I hope I'm not interrupting."
A brow raised at the innocent smile, one that screamed you will answer me simply because you can't resist. "Have a seat, my dear. I'm sure the floor is simply too cold."
Red hair flew as she nodded before she struck, "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you teaching us such spells and techniques? You berate us for giving a wrong answer, for not reading our textbooks. But the answers you give us aren't even there. Not anywhere." She wanted this conversation. And her frustration at receiving little to no answers had worn her patience thin. Now she would receive her answers.
"My, you have been busy."
But she was on a roll, "You and the Headmaster keep whispering about such things of future times, of future wars. You let innocent children in the most hellish places simply because you're afraid! What kind of person are you to do such things to us?" Lily saw the frown and shuttered look, "I know about those innocent children you call family. They're all you talk about in those secret meetings in the dark, hiding about in the corners of Hogwarts while the Prefects and Head Boy and Girl run their rounds."
Harry's anger grew, glad he had enough time to reapply his glamour on his way to his office and fought to keep it this time, "What exactly are you implying, Miss Evans?"
"What are you!" She had known something was off about her Professor. And overhearing snatches of conversations between the Marauders and the Headmaster with the Vulcan hadn't appeased her.
"I am your Professor. I am someone trying to guide you through the war that will stretch across this world if no one can fight back. I am trying to prove to you all that just because something is wrong or right doesn't mean it can't co-exist. Every one of you students have been taught one thing at a time as you grow. You continue to believe in it until it's too late. Is that what you are implying?"
Lily glared at the man sitting calmly across the desk, "I'm implying that you are corrupting us! There should be no need to teach us the Dark Arts! Nor should you be allowing something like that in this school! The Ministry forbade them for a reason!" Ha! That got him where it should. I know I'm right. I read all about the Ministry in my first year.
That sounds much like Hermione. Always believing she is right and knowing every rule there is. "The Ministry knows nothing. They will remain in the dark simply because they are too weak to understand anything around them! They are corrupt! Death Eaters hold the highest positions within each department. Dark Creatures are turning to Voldemort simply because foolhardy people like you believe they are right. You all simply believe if something's dangerous, lock it up! I refuse to allow such prejudice to continue through the lives of those who can change it! The Dark Arts are not just Dark! Every spell, every hex, every little magical thing you learn can be used against you, Miss Evans. A simple 'Wingardium Leviosa' can lift a person to terrifying heights before the caster lets them fall to their death. A simple disarming spell can kill an innocent child, causing them to fly back into an unforgiving wall. If you wish to forbid such dangerous things, than forbid the entire Wizarding World, Miss Evans. Get out! Leave! Return to your Muggle life, your Muggle beliefs, your Muggle thinking! Don't ever pick up a wand, Miss Evans, or else you could be the next person called a Dark Witch."
"That would never happen. I have never done anything wrong! You're the one who's leaving innocent lives with the devil himself! You refuse to help those in need, those who depend on you! You're the one that's a Dark wizard! Just as much as Voldemort is! You have no mercy!" She fought to hold back the flinch at his darkening glare. A tiny sliver in her being knew he was right but she just couldn't let it go. She had a right to know if this man was trying to deliberately lead her, and her loved ones, down a path of utter destruction, of utter darkness. She had a right to her anger and frustration, didn't she?
"I have mercy, very little for my enemies. And I refuse no one. But I leave them to the devil himself for a reason. I follow those who tell me what's next. I am an Assassin Vulcan! I am obligated to follow the laws and bidding of The Powers That Be! I have no choice when it comes to war. I have no choice when it comes to them. When it is my time to act, then it is my time to act. When I must leave something behind, I must leave it behind!" Why can't she understand that I have no say in what they tell me to do?
Lily refused to believe that. She absolutely refused anyone who said they cared would even think of leaving a loved one with the devil himself. Her anger at his callousness, his calmness, and his cold persona rose with every word. He appalled her to the very depths of her beating heart. There is no such thing! No one has the right to tell someone to leave their loved one in danger if they can be saved. No one! "There is no such thing! No one can make you do something that horrid! No one, not even Voldemort!"
Harry cruelly laughed at the angry witch, "The Powers That Be aren't Voldemort. They are the reason we exist. They are the reason we live and breathe. They are the reason there is Light and Dark. They are the reason this world thrives and dies. They are the reason you stand before me screaming about unfairness when this has nothing to do with what you really want. You don't care about me. You don't care about Voldemort. You don't care that a Higher power has control of the world. You don't care what Fate believes or destines. You care about what will happen to you, to your lover, James Potter. And you can't deny that."
"That's only part of it. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of you telling me I'm wrong. I am tired of you sidetracking everything we learn! I am sick and tired of you saying 'read your assignments' when there is no assignment to read! For every assignment you change the rules. You change the rules!" He had to be lying. She did care about Voldemort, she did care about him, and yes, she did care about James and herself. She just wanted the truth. She was tired of him leading them in circles, making them believe in something that wasn't real.
"Ah, but that is reality. There is no definite line. There is no black and white. There is no morally sound mind. There are only shades of gray. You best learn that soon, Miss Evans. Because the second you step outside the safety of these wards, the real world will bite back. The world does not do as you command. The world does as it commands. It doesn't care if you learned how to turn a feather into a pig. It cares if you can save yourself from a Death Eater flinging Killing Curses at your heart. It cares if you can protect those you love from being tortured day in and day out."
"Then tell me how it is." Please! Just tell me the truth. She desperately wanted to know why he was being unfair, why he was being misleading. She desperately wanted a real reason as to why she was so angry before and then deflated with every word he tried to say about reality.
"That is not how it works. If it did, I wouldn't have left those I love in the hands of the devil himself. Like you with the Headmaster or your parents, I simply follow the rules and commands of a higher power."
"I follow myself. I depend on myself. I protect myself."
"Then why are you here, demanding answers that I cannot give you."
"Because you have them. You have them. You've told Albus Dumbledore all your secrets." Wow! Severus' sneers must really be rubbing off! Lily couldn't believe she had actually called him a liar, again, even if in not so many words.
"I've told Albus Dumbledore nothing. He assumes. Just like you."
"You've seen it already! You know!" He had to know. Why else did he treat the world around him as if it was going to break? Why else did she always feel like she needed to hold him, to force him to cry? Woah! Where did those thoughts come from?
Now this is interesting, never knew Mum had such a temper or mouth. "I know what, Miss Evans? And I would chose my words carefully, lest they come back to haunt you."
"You knew some of us will die. You speak of it in vague terms. You look at most of us as if we are already dead." It seemed as if she had lost her anger, deflating back to the slightly unsure but curious witch that she was. But what she said was true. And that sometimes made her want to comfort him with a mother's touch. Inwardly she frowned, Mother's touch? I think I've lost it! Maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn't ready to hear the truth.
Harry stood, palms resting on the edge of his desk, eyes flashing, "You are already dead. You are dead simply because you are a Muggleborn. James Potter is dead simply because he is a Light Wizard. Remus Lupin is dead simply because he refused to be the Dark Creature others believe he is. Sirius Black is dead simply because he refused Voldemort and his family traditions." He forced himself to stop before he named more people that could be dead simply because of who they were.
"That's not true!" Her chest heaved as she gasped for breath. It can't be true! She wanted him to prove himself wrong. But her heart sunk lower as his next words washed over her.
Ironically, he echoed the words one Lucius Malfoy had once spoken, "Then why don't you prove it?" He leaned forward, waiting calmly for her answer.
She copied his stance, "Because I don't need to. You've proven it already. You are just as cowardly as many of the others. Just as cowardly as that rat," inwardly he chuckled at her spitting of the word, "Peter." And to her he was. He didn't deserve to be a Professor nor a Vulcan. He didn't deserve any of it if he was a true coward.
A brow rose high, "A rat, Miss Evans? A rat slips by without a trace. A rat lives on its own rules, begging from either side that will throw the first scrap. A rat follows no one and anyone. I assure you, Miss Evans, I am no rat."
"I demand you tell me."
"Demand all you wish. For all you know, I have taught you nothing but survival. And survival is the name of the game. Always was and always will be. Either jump the train or stay on the tracks. Either way you lose, for sooner or later you have lost the game. Nothing lives forever."
"According to you, Immortals such as your precious Powers That Be do." Ha! Caught you!
"Nothing lives forever, Miss Evans. They simply evolve to a new life. Now, leave." You haven't caught me yet. Not truly. He knew what she was thinking. All he had to do was search for that little gleam in her eyes when she actually thought she was getting exactly what she hoped for. After all, he wasn't suppose to tell the truth in exact words. She was suppose to figure it out on her own, though it seemed she wasn't willing. She seemed stuck on other ideas, ideas that were her truth and her truth alone. He could only hope she would learn that the world didn't care what she believed, but only what the world believed.
Lily wasn't done. "No! I demand you tell me."
"Tell you what, Miss Evans? Tell you what? When you die? When Mr. Potter dies? Where to find the answers? When Voldemort wins or loses? Tell you what?" He had to be careful. He just gave her more questions, questions that she was searching the answers to.
"All of it, everything."
"You aren't ready for the truth. And you never will be." Just go, Mum. You've already proven that you can't be budged from your 'inbred' concepts. He hoped she would leave. Some time alone just might cool her down, forcing her to see the world in his eyes, the eyes of someone who knows the trickery reality could produce.
Lily's temper flares to its fullest. "I demand you tell me! I have a right to know my own death! Be it fifty years from now to only two years from now! I demand to know it all!" She felt ready to sob. She had to know. She was afraid that she, or her loved ones, would die early in the fight against Voldemort. And she was truly terrified to lose.
"Oh, don't worry, Miss Evans. From the smallest time from now, it will come to you in a bright flashing light of emerald green. You have your answers, now leave."
Lily found herself suddenly facing the office guardian, fuming. "He cheated!"
"Ah, don't worry yourself, duckies. He'll come around. You got your clues. You're a smart witch."
That suddenly made her feel much better. She did get what she wanted. She was going to die soon. Her and James, in a flash of green. But that train of thought made her queasy, wishing she never demanded answers. With that she fled, searching for the farthest and darkest corner of Hogwarts. And there she cried, sobbed, and fought with herself.
She wanted to tell James. She had to tell them. But every word, every twist, every description she heard overloaded her brain. She couldn't tell. She was simply too afraid. The most curious, intelligent, and mature Muggleborn was terrified. Terrified that she knew nothing of the world around her. Terrified that her words would come back to haunt her.
No, I'll never tell. Her silent tears fell, I'll never tell. Those three words ran, singing, through her head as she tried to block everything she learned in the deepest recess of her mind, hoping the terrifying truth and fear would never return.