Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King
CHAPTER SIX – Depression is Deep
Horo found himself subconsciously scooting closer and leaning in, as Ren turned to face him, leaning forward as well... They got closer, with only mere inches separating their lips. Suddenly, realization dawned in Ren's eyes and he looked away, turning his face from the Ainu and jumping up from the couch, his back facing him.
"Horo... I-I can't. Y-You know I can't." he stumbled over his words as he struggled to restrain himself from throwing himself at the drummer whose lips seemed to beg for him.
"Why?" Horo asked with a strangely serious look on his face.
"My family." Ren started, but Horo cut him off, his volume rising slightly.
"They can deal. From what I know, Ran would laugh, Ching would be vaguely surprised, and Jun would find it adorable and be happy for us. En would hate your guts, but since when did you ever care about his opinion? Never, that's when, so I'll ask you again, why?" he stood as well.
"You're a guy..." Ren tried weakly, but again he was interrupted.
"Then I'll ask you, does it really matter to you? You, who thought you couldn't love, have feelings for someone. I don't think you'd care if that someone was the same gender, hell, it's love! That's not good enough, Tao Ren! Tell me, WHY!" he yelled, tears stinging his eyes.
"M-My reputation... my job... the others..." Ren whispered.
"No! Don't give me that shit! You fucking bastard, you coward!" he hissed.
"What? You don't understand, Horo, I..." Ren whirled around.
"No, I don't! I never understand you! You're a little tease! First you're mine, and you say you always will be, and that we'll be together forever, then you die, then you don't want to be with me and you run off to China, and then just when I think you might have changed, you do it again! You're a liar! You're a coward! You're scared of feelings! Scared of closeness! Damn you, Tao Ren! Damn you straight to HELL!" he shouted, tears streaming down his face as he ran from the room.
"Horo! God damn it!" Ren yelled, angry at himself.
Horo sat huddled in a corner of the band's lounge, his body shaking with silent sobs. "I'm so stupid. Why do I have to be in love with him? Why?" he cried into his knees.
"Ren did it again, didn't he? You were stupid to think he could ever get over himself. He will never change, so don't think you can make him. A Tao will not allow anyone to be good enough for their love. It's impossible. You're only fooling yourself in believing in him." a calm, sweet voice whispered the cruel words in his ear, the harsh reality gnawing at his heart.
"Sh-Shut up, Yoh." he sniffed, mentally reminding himself that he couldn't trust the changed boy.
"It's only the truth, and you know it. You know, I could give you so much better. You could forget all about him, if you were with me." he growled, his hot breath making Horo shiver.
"You're just trying to use me." he stated.
"No... I wouldn't do that, Horo. You want me. I see in your eyes that you want this... No one needs to know, and you could have everything you wanted from Ren, and so much more. Just give in." he whispered seductively, nibbling on the ear lobe and causing the younger one to gasp.
"Is that a yes?" he asked in a low voice.
"J-Just tonight, ne? Just to forget?" he asked cautiously, his defense weakening.
"Just tonight; just forget." he affirmed, pulling Horo to his feet and leading him slowly to Horo's room.
Horo felt his mind go blissfully blank, all pain, all problems, everything, his whole life slipping away as his brain became fuzzy. He smiled in relief, glad to let his whole world go away, allowing him to drift endlessly on a cloud of his mind until morning.
"Why the hell can't I stop thinking about that?" Ren wondered aloud as he sat up in bed. He was exhausted, and dying to get some rest, but the day's events continued to plague his mind. It was like watching reruns of his worst moment of life over and over, continuing to replay countless times forever and ever.
The part that hurt most was Horo's eyes. They were like windows into his soul, allowing Ren to visibly see the damage he'd already done, along with the damage he was still doing. The pain and hurt so clear in those bright azure eyes that seemed to hold the depths of the bluest ocean in them. The betrayal was first and foremost, mixed with mistrust. Misty cerulean orbs like the sky or icy tint holding so much suffering at his hands.
"Tomorrow, I'll make it right." he said softly to himself, laying back in bed and trying to relax again. He tossed and turned until finally he could stand it no more.
"That's fucking it." he growled. He shoved the covers away and shivered slightly at the cool night air. Padding to his closet, he slipped on a black silk robe over his boxers and tied the sash, putting on some slippers while he was at it.
He stalked silently through the halls, turning to Horo's room. As he neared, he began to hear it, though; sounds he never wanted to hear, not like this. He stopped in his tracks, barely breathing as the meaning of the noise washed over him. Mixed emotions swam through the mist of his mind, hitting home. He didn't know how to react.
Shocked, he suddenly ran as fast as he could back to his room, locking the door and pressing up against it. He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding and closed his eyes, slowly sinking down to curl up on the floor, his back to the door, still. Little pools of shining liquid trembled on his eyelashes before falling unchecked to the ground. Silently, he sobbed, his body shaking with the effort he used to control his noise. His hair stuck to his forehead with mixed sweat and tears, but he no longer cared.
His mind went into overdrive, conjuring up images of Horo with another man, or worse, a little, bitchy whore of a woman. A wave of nausea swept over him and he rushed to his bathroom, helplessly retching into the toilet. He didn't bother to rid himself of the sticky substance; it was no longer relevant to his life. He spent the rest of the night locked in his bathroom, heaving up any food he had eaten recently.
The next morning found him sprawled on his floor, exhausted, the results of his sickness still clinging to his face. His hair was matted down and droopy; dark circles were making their way under his eyes. He breathed shallowly, feeling his will to live slowly draining from him as a last bit of yesterday's breakfast was coughed up into the bowl. A knock came at his door, bringing him out of his drifting state.
"Who?" he croaked, hoping they would just leave.
"It's me, Tamao. The band is all ready, just waiting for you." Tamao said cheerily. Ren slowly dragged himself up, gripping the sink for balance, and flipped the lock around. Hearing the soft click, she opened the door and stepped in, staring in horror at Ren.
"Oh, Kami-sama! Ren, you're sick! You're in no condition to practice today. I'll tell them." she said, supporting Ren's weight and helping him to the bed. She placed a hand on his forehead worriedly.
"No. I have to go to practice! Just go tell them I'll be a minute or two." he protested, snapping straight back up and stumbling to the bathroom with a towel.
"Ren! Don't do this to yourself!" she followed him carefully, a motherly tone to her voice.
"Look, I don't need your help. I don't need anyone!" he snapped, shoving the door closed. She stared at the wood a moment before heading out.
In the bathroom, Ren quickly wet the towel and wiped his face clean, fashioning his hair into its normal style. He jumped into some fresh clothes and applied make-up to cover his outward appearance; looks can be deceiving. On the inside, Ren was torn into hundreds of irreplaceable pieces, feeling dead and cold. With one last glance to the mirror, he hardened his face and snatched a pile of papers from a desk before heading to the band room.
"Hey, Tamao, where the hell is our singer?" Horo asked, feeling a small sliver of anger boil up within him, though he'd mostly calmed and forgiven the Chinese shaman.
"He's coming. Honestly, I don't know what's got his beef, but he's refusing to follow instructions! He's seems really sick, but he just won't listen to me! He aught to be sleeping!" she exclaimed, frustrated. Horo's eyes flickered with worry. Ren was one of the few people who rarely get sick, and when they do, it's pretty bad. He remembered only once that Ren got sick and they had to call a doctor. However, his muse was interrupted as the singer strode in, looking slightly pale and avoiding eye contact with the Ainu, but overall fine.
"Let's get started. Skim through the music and tune up your instruments while I practice a few scales." he ordered in his soft, commanding voice as he tossed a wad of paper at them. Heading to his mike, he went through the notes, his angelic voice hitting each note beautifully as he tested his limits. He turned to them, waiting to get all their attention.
"Where's our manager, anyway?" Horo asked curiously. Ren turned an icy gaze on him, causing him to shiver.
"He... is on his way here by plane." he said softly, his words laced with anger. It was amazing how Ren had this ability to make people feel like dirt with a single glance, or imply that he was displeased with them with the tone of his voice.
"In the meantime, we practice. Not that it matters, he won't be here every practice, anyway. All you have to do is shut up and follow directions. I'll bet you're good at that, aren't you?" he whispered, malice seeping into his tone as he poked at the event he was trying to avoid.
"Now, just play the fucking music. If you can't, then get off the god damned stage, go home, and screw yourself." he told him bluntly. The look on his face unnerved the entire room, and no one dared disobey him, not even Yoh.
"Asakura?" Ren called as an afterthought.
"Ah." he acknowledged, following as the leader signaled him to the side.
"Just to let you know, you will be singing a duet in one of our songs with a certain brother of yours. He actually became a solo artist..." he informed him, walking past to his mike. Yoh stood with a blank look, blinking a few times before smiling secretively, a plan formulating in his head. He grabbed his guitar and practice began.
Horo Horo was worried. The singer had never been so cold before, not even with his father. His conscience began to gnaw at him, silently. Ren couldn't know, could he? He nervously fidgeted, his thoughts drifting. His mind dropped back into reality with a jerk when he felt the harsh glare of those fiery golden eyes burning into him.
"You're screwing us up, you little bastard! If you can't hold a beat right, get the hell out of here! Now try it again!" the Chinese snapped viciously, causing the drummer to realize he kept missing a beat half way through the song. Once again the song began, once again it failed. Ren was about to yell again when the door opened and in strode Anna.
"Having trouble, boys?" she asked in a fake-sweet voice.
"Fuck off, bitch." Ren muttered.
"Just thought you'd like to know that the manager is in your office waiting, and your performing clothes just arrived." she said, her smile fading.
"Practice is over for today. Next time, you'd better get it right, you whore." Ren shot at them before stalking out the door to the hallway. When he reached his office, his guest stood politely.
"Good afternoon. Make yourself comfortable." he instructed, sitting in an armchair as they sat on the sofa.
"Let's talk business." Manta Oyamada said with a satisfied grin.
"Here's the deal. You're going to run this, and do it right. I want a CD out by October, and concerts set up in the meantime. I want a tour set up after the CD kicks off. Got it? If you can't do it, then go home and I'll find someone else." Ren said.
"Got it. It shouldn't be too much of a challenge." the midget concurred.
"Good. We can't afford to get behind schedule. My father is treating this like he would humor a garage band, so the budget is not going to be that great until we get things settled. This band is going to the top. If I have to push it there, we will make the top of the charts. Soon everyone will know the name Oversoul. And it's your job to see that it happens." Ren said distantly.
"You got it... It's good to see you, Ren." the genius smiled. Ren's face remained emotionless, but he nodded slightly. Standing, Ren made his way out the door and through the halls. His cell phone began a constant ringing and he flipped it open.
"Hello?" he answered.
"Ren? What the hell is wrong with you?" Horo's voice snapped on the other end.
"Oh, don't think you don't know, you bastard." Ren growled low in his throat as he slipped into his room for privacy.
"Look, I don't want to fight on a phone with you." the Ainu began.
"Yes, you do. The only way to remedy that is to come talk face-to-face, but I know that will end in a bloody mess my lawyer won't be happy about." the Chinese cut him off.
"Anyway, I was calling to see how you were. Tamao said you were sick." the drummer stated worriedly.
"Yeah, I'm sick of you being a fucking whore." the singer shot viciously.
"...Do you... know something?" Horo asked cautiously.
"What? You think you can make a bloody orchestra like... like THAT and keep it a secret! You are going to wish you'd never played with my heart, you Ainu asshole!" he yelled before clicking the button harshly. He sighed heavily and sank into a sofa, rubbing his temples as a migraine hit him. He went to his fridge and quickly poured himself a glass of milk before reaching into a high cupboard for some pills. He jammed the medicine down his throat and dialed a number into his cell.
"Hello? Doctor Seymour? Yes, I think I may need a stronger prescription... I don't fucking care what you think, I'll get something stronger if I have to smuggle it... monoamine oxidase inhibitors? Give me a brand name and fax me the prescription, NOW... Nardil or Parnate, got it. Goodbye." he said, putting the phone down exhaustedly. He walked over to his fax machine and snatched the paper from it the second it came out. Just as he opened the door, he came face-to-face with Faust and Horo.
"What do you to want?" he asked suspiciously.
"We came to invite you to lunch with us. Why are you getting antidepressants?" Faust asked in his mellow tone.
"None of your fucking business." Ren said, taking his first good look at Horo that day. He suddenly felt a nauseas feeling grow in the pit of his stomach. He rushed to the bathroom before anyone could say anything and threw up into the toilet.
"Not again." he groaned, resting his head against the edge of the bowl.
"Ren, are you okay?" Horo asked quickly, rushing to his side and placing his hands on Ren's arms lightly. Ren flinched away from the contact, looking like Horo had smacked him.
"Leave me alone, jerk." he said before he retched up more. Horo grimaced and a look of pain fled across his face.
"How long has this been happening, Ren-kun?" Faust asked as he looked at what had previously been in Ren's stomach.
"Ask him. He should know when he became a whore." Ren said weakly, standing and brushing off Horo's helping hands as he wiped it from his mouth with a towel and pushed past them and out of his room. The two shared a worried look and Horo explained.
"I mucked things up, Faust... I really did. This is all my fault. I made him sick, I made him depressed, and I made him hate me. What do I do?" he asked after he told Faust the tale.
"Wait. All we can do is wait." the doctor answered sadly, and they left the room. Ren walked to a small closet and pulled out a coat with a high hood. He grabbed a comb and brushed his hair to rest around his shoulders. Pulling on some sunglasses, he deemed himself ready and walked out and down the street to the small pharmacy.
Stopping at the counter, he passed in the prescription and took the bottle desperately. He opened the top and swallowed down the dosage. He strode back to his room, praying that the others would leave him be. Suddenly, he began to feel a surge of energy.
"Yes. Thank god for strong medicine." he smiled slightly, walking faster to burn off the boundless hyperness. On a whim, he began to practically bounce down the street and danced exaggeratedly into the building, stumbling like a drunk in the process. He jumped into the lounge, a grin on his face, and walked toward Faust and Horo. Smiling inanely, he suddenly lost his balance and fell backwards onto his butt, the smile leaving his face in an instant as he rubbed his aching bottom.
"Why am I here?" he asked aloud.
"Ren? You alright?" Horo asked cautiously.
"What? Why are you talking to me?" he asked, seeming confused and agitated at the same time.
"Why am I on the floor? Did you push me?" he asked, glaring accusingly at the Ainu.
"No." Horo said, giving him a look. He examined Ren, noting his shivering and sweat-drenched body. His cheeks were slowly growing pink with heat. Faust jumped up and knelt beside him, feeling his forehead, which was sweaty and warm.
"Don't touch me!" Ren hissed before his eyes rolled back in his head and he lapsed into unconsciousness. His body began to convulse and his muscles twitched involuntarily. Faust went into action, quickly turning him onto his stomach and holding him still until the shaking stopped.
"What's happening?" Horo asked, fearing for Ren's life.
"I'm not sure. Call the ambulance and bring me a bowl of cold water and a towel. Oh, and a first aid kit." he instructed, and Horo Horo ran off.
"Go away! Don't touch me!" Ren yelled, wide awake, before once again going limp; Faust waited urgently for Horo's return as Ren slipped back and forth. His sixth sense told him that with these lapses, Ren's soul was also wavering back and forth between life and death. At one point, Ren stayed awake long enough to put up quite a struggle, nearly punching the German doctor before going out cold again.
"They're on their way!" Horo shouted, rushing in with the water and kit. Faust stripped Ren of his coat and shirt, dipping the towel into the cool water and placing it on the shaman's bare back, causing his body to tremble slightly in protest.
"Why is he on his stomach?" Horo asked as he helped Faust move the cloth gently over the burning, sweaty skin.
"If he has another seizure and throws up, we don't want him to breathe it in. It's also good for keeping him from swallowing his tongue." Faust said quietly.
"What happened?" he asked with tears in his eyes.
"I believe he may have mixed drugs. I noticed he left some migraine medicine on the counter in his room, indicating he took it before he left. When he got his prescription, he may have taken it then and there, and the ten minute walk back gave plenty of time for it to settle in his stomach. He's showing all the classic signs of it... Horo, there's a good chance that he'll die. Even now his heart rate and breathing are slowing down, and his soul is wavering between this life and the next." Faust stated sadly.