Heaven Sent

Chapter Twenty Three- Something I Can Never Have

(break)

I still recall the taste of my tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

Come on tell me.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go way.

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This is slowly take me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.
I just want something I can never have.
In this place it seems like such a same.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
Make this all go away.
You make this all go way.

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have
Think I know what you meant.
That night on my bed.
Still picking at this scab
I wish you were dead.
You sweet and perry ellis.
Just stains on my sheets.

Something I Can Never Have- Nine Inch Nails

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Lydia and Narcissa walked together down the staircase on their way to dinner. After her getting ready with the blonde, Lydia felt extremely confident about her appearance. The outfit fit her perfectly, her hair was finally tamed in a sophisticated twirl, and a few charms for her face left her skin looking fresh and renewed. The new look, she had to admit, was a bit of an ego boost.

Though they had just met, Lydia was very fond of Narcissa. The woman reminded her vaguely of what an older sister was supposed to be. She was friendly and girlish under that exterior of nobility and class. Lydia liked that.

What she did not like, however, was the last topic of conversation they shared together- Severus. Suddenly, Lydia's mind was reeling with all sorts of possibilities and mixed emotions. Severus had always been a sort of gray area with her. Were they friends? Mere acquaintances? Something more? And when Narcissa had brought up the chance of Lydia actually having feelings for the boy in a romantic sense, Lydia could not truly bring herself to deny it. She was too unsure.

On one hand, Severus could be rather unpleasant. Not only was he impossibly rude, he had a habit being extremely antisocial. The reputation he called his own was not exactly clear either. People knew him for his excel in the Dark Arts, not for the sheer intelligence that he had captured.

Of course, Lydia knew that everyone else was wrong. Severus was not evil, merely knowledgeable…? He was probably the smartest person she had ever come across and she respected him for it- maybe even fancied him for it? Then again, how could she not? Severus, no matter how rude and arrogant he could be, was the only person she had ever managed to have a full out intellectual conversation with. And she liked that- really liked that.

And sure, he wasn't the handsomest of guys. That was a title more centered towards Remus, and look how things had ended up with Remus. So what if he wasn't the best looking person? Lydia certainly wasn't the best looking girl. She shouldn't be saying anything. Of course, one couldn't forget those looks he gave her- like he was shifting through her very existence with his black eyes.

A blush rose upon her face at the thought.

"I've given you something to think about, haven't I?" Narcissa broke her from the rampage of thoughts with a knowing smile. This caused Lydia turn even redder. Mentally, she scolded her awful reactions. She was usually not one to blush.

"I'm afraid you have," Lydia murmured. Now I just don't know how I'm going to act around him…

"You're worried."

"A little," Lydia admitted.

"You shouldn't be. Just act normal."

She sighed, "I don't know how I can now…"

"Oh, it was just like this with Lucius," The blonde reminisced, "When had been betrothed a long time, and before then I had merely thought of him as an acquaintance- a friend maybe. When I started to fancy him, I wasn't sure how I should act. Do I tell him? Does he have the same feelings for me? It was very hard."

"What did you do?"

Narcissa remained quiet, looking away, "Nothing," she said quietly, "I never told him."

"But he must know?"

Narcissa gave a sad smile, "Honestly, I don't think so, dear."

Lydia could not belief that. The way Narcissa spoke so highly of Lucius- it was obvious she was in love with him. How could he not know? How could she not have told him?

"Are you ever going to tell him?"

"Oh, dear, it's far too late for that now," she said with a dismissive laugh.

"But- but you love him."

"Well… yes, I do. Very much," she said solemnly, "But I think it's better he doesn't know… now. Maybe if I told him back then… Oh, it doesn't matter."

Lydia had no idea what to say. Looking at the blonde woman she had grown fond of she could she the pain stretched across her features. She was trying to hide it with a fake smile. Lydia knew better.

"I'm sorry," Lydia mumbled.

"Sorry? Whatever for? Don't ever be sorry," the blonde scolded, "The strong are always confident of their actions. Only the weak apologize. Salazar, no don't be sorry."

Lydia's first reaction was to apologize but quickly shut her mouth and nodded, looking down to the ground.

Narcissa stopped walking abruptly and grabbed hold of Lydia's shoulders. Lydia could see the tears rising in her bright blue eyes- eyes like ice that were finally melting under her gaze.

"Lydia, I tell you these things in hope that I can help you in some way. I have made far too many mistakes in my short lifetime- mistakes that I am sorry for. Though hard to believe, I see so much of myself in you- too much. Do not let things pass you by. Do not be sorry. Please, don't not be sorry."

Lydia held her gaze, horrified and worried by the outburst. She was not looking at a twenty something year old woman. She was looking at someone much older, much more pained, much emptier. It scared her.

Abruptly, Narcissa dropped her arms and turned away. Lydia stared at her profile, looking colder and more impassive than ever. Where was the girlish woman she had talked with before? All she saw now was pain- pain she never wanted to experience.

"Come, Lydia, we best make hast. At this rate, we'll be late." Lydia could tell by her tone that this discussion was not to be brought up again. She felt slightly disappointed at this. Though Narcissa's hurt and worry had scared her, Lydia could not say she was not curious.

Hurriedly, the two made their way downstairs in a much colder silence than before.

(break)

"Ah, I was beginning to think we'd have to send out the search party!" Lucius commented on Lydia and Narcissa's arrival in the dinning hall. The room itself was extremely narrow, accommodating the lengthy, slim table the rested in it. Lucius sat at its head, Severus to his right.

Involuntarily, Lydia's eyes went straight to Severus, who she was surprised to find was also looking back at her. His expression, however, revealed nothing. It was a look Lydia had grown to recognize from him. Breaking the gaze, she looked down to her nails, willing herself not to pick at them.

"Please excuse us," she heard Narcissa say, "Lydia and I had a bit of trouble altering her outfit."

"I assume things worked out though?" Lucius said, looking pointedly at Lydia.

"O f course they did," Narcissa began to walk towards the other end of the room where the two men were seated. Lydia followed, "Doesn't she look marvelous?" Narcissa gestured to Lydia as she sat down on Lucius's left, across from Severus. Lydia, finding a table setting in the seat next to Narcissa, took it as her own and sat.

"Indeed she does," said Lucius, flashing one of his charming smiles, "Doesn't she, Severus?"

Severus, who had remained silent up until this point, looked at her across the table, "Marvelous, yes," he murmured, almost dismissively and turning back to Lucius, "As you were saying?"

"Ah, yes, the Brocklehursts I'm afraid, are not fond of the idea…" Lucius and Severus jumped into a series of conversations of names and places Lydia did not know or recognize. She figured it was an exclusive discussion anyway. When dinner arrived, she was glad. Unsure of how each utensil worked, she copied Narcissa. She thanked Rowena the lobster was already opened for her, as she had no idea how one cracks a lobster shell properly.

The rest of dinner passed quickly and uneventfully. The food was magnificent (Lydia had taken quite the liking to lobster), but the company she had to admit, was a bore. Certainly, she enjoyed her time spent with Narcissa alone, but in the stuffy atmosphere of dinner, it was quite the drag.

Lucius and Severus excused themselves, intending to visit Lucius's study. Tired from the journey, Lydia decided to retire early. Narcissa offered to walk her to her room, and Lydia gratefully accepted. This house-no manor was still a loss to her.

"Oh drat," Narcissa said as they approached Lydia's quarters, "The Brocklehursts…"

"What is it?" Lydia asked.

"I promised Lucius I would visit Avera Brocklehurst tomorrow. I'm afraid we'll have to postpone our outing. You don't mind, do you?"

"Oh no, not at all."

"Honestly, I really don't want to go, but it's necessary-"

"Narcissa, I understand. This meeting is obviously important."

"It is, but I feel awful about leaving you here all day. Lucius is bound to be gone and the thought of you bored to death in this old house."

"Please, don't worry about it," Lydia insisted, "I'll be fine. I'm sure I can find something to do with myself."

"Severus will be here. I'm sure he can show you around. Who knows, maybe…"

Lydia sighed, "I doubt it…"

"I'm sorry for confusing you," Narcissa said with a sad smile, "But I'm sure things will work out in time."

"Yeah…" They had reached Lydia's door, falling into silence. There was an awkward moment before Narcissa spoke again.

"Well, I better be off. I'm sure you're tired."

"I cannot deny that," Lydia said with a smile, "Thank you, Narcissa."

"Oh no, Lydia, thank you."

Lydia did not really understand what Narcissa meant by that, but kept the comment in mind.

"Well, good night."

"Good night Lydia," said Narcissa, "May Merlin be with you." With that, the blonde woman turned and walked back down the hallway.

Lydia waited a moment before entering her rooms. There was still some childish excitement about staying in such an extravagant suite. She quickly threw on her graying nightdress, and flopped onto the bed. Being so tired, normally, she would have fallen right asleep, but thoughts of a tomorrow kept her awake. A whole day with Severus… what was she going to do?

(break)

A/N- Yes, I know it's short, but I felt it necessary to break it off here. Sorry! Hey, it was out a bit faster than last time. I'm getting better, eh?

On the page breaks aren't working so I had to put in that nice blantant (break). Great isn't it?

About the song, I'm not really a Nine Inch Nails person, but this song sort of helped me through the chapter. I'm afraid my muses are currently on vacation, and I've been having a hard time with writing this lately. It actually applies more to Narcissa than Lydia or Severus.

About Narcissa, please tell me what you think of her. I read over her description in the books a few times, and I'm really trying to portray what happened to make her the canon character she is now…. So really, I'm having a ridiculously hard time.

On another note- this just reached over 60,000 words! Don't watch as I do a little jig of accomplishment!

And so much more to go…

I'd like to thank my wonderful reviewers, who have done such a wonderful job of being rambly and getting me motivated and making me feel special in general. You guys are spectacular- don't ever change!

lhuntathraeil- Glad you liked it. No fear- I promise there will be shopping!

Laochra- I'm so glad you like Snape! I've been paranoid he's not in character and you just totally made me feel better things! Don't worry, I won't leave this un-updated that long ever again.

Biscuits the Gnome- I promise I will never be that long again!

Daughter of Darkness777- Yay! I'm glad you like Snape. Don't worry. I entirely agree with you on the Remus/Lydia fluff. I was ready to gag myself after that chapter. Still, whenever I go back and read over it, I'm like, "What the hell was I on when I wrote this?" Mauraders…grr… Wow, I can't believe I kept you looking at a computer screen for long periods of time. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside- just kidding, but it does give me a huge ego boost. I would love to check out your fanfics! Heh. This has to be one of the most motivating reviews because of its sheer bluntness. Loved it! The length was wonderful too!

katie- Oh, I'm so glad you like the story! I'm really trying to get the chapters out as fast as I can, so you don't have to wait! I'm glad you liked the shower bit. I felt a bit clever after I wrote that. I was like, "Bam! Symbolism!" And I can assure you, Snape is not an evil person. I mean, he's not in the books is he? Oh, 'off the racket' just means I'm crazy. Don't worry, I am NOT stopping this until it is FINISHED.

Odie- Bagel bites… you manage once again to make me hungry. Oh well, glad you liked the last chappie. Hey, the synonym game happens to be a personal favorite of mine!

Well, that's about it.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE MERCY ON ME AND REVIEW! I'M A POOR POOR FANFIC WRITER! YOU WOULDN"T DENY ME A GOOD LONG RAMBLY REVIEW RIGHT?

Heh… I'm awful.