Chapter Five

The Difference A Name Can Make

(tag to Conversion) so major spoilers

"Colonel, please don't make me do this," she fought the tears as she held her weapon with shaking hands. Teyla struggled to keep her breath steady as he turned to leave. Almost against her will, she felt herself pulling the trigger. She aimed at the ground in front of him, but the bullets seemed to have a mind of their own. Teyla watched in horror as they collided with John's chest. Bullets from my gun. Tears poured from her eyes as he collapsed on the stairwell. "No," she screamed while running to his side, there was so much blood. No matter how hard she tried she would never stop it. She ripped her jacket off and pressed it over his wounds even though she knew it wouldn't help. Teyla cradled his head in her lap and stroked his sweaty hair, "I am so sorry, this was not supposed to happen. You can not die, what would I do if I lost you," she sobbed.

"His now bluish hand entwined with hers, "It's …not ….your ..fault …Teyla," his words came out in small gasps.

"Yes, I let this happen. I should have told you what you mean to me when I had the chance."

He seemed to fight for every breath, " You….still…can,"

"I am afraid," she whispered. Before he could reply he began to spasm in her arms. She held him and begged him not to die. He convulsed for what felt like an eternity, and then nothing. Teyla felt his hand go limp in hers, the light in his reptilian eyes had gone out. He was lost to her…forever.

"No this cannot be," she whimpered as she shook him. "Wake up, you are not supposed to die here." But he did not move. Her mind went numb as she sobbed over his still body. She was helpless, she could do nothing…but scream.

"JOHN…..JOHN…."

Teyla shot up in bed and flung the wet covers from her trembling body. "Not again."

Awakened by her own screams she took five deep calming breaths and tried to convince her adrenaline fueled body to go back to sleep. After ten unsuccessful minutes she conceded. "This is never going to stop until I do something about it," she told herself. "The answer is right there for me to see, I have to talk to Colonel Sheppard." As she pulled a fresh shirt from her closet she could not help but remember an old saying from her village. "Dreams are the minds way of forcing us to acknowledge all things we try to hide." Teyla had never completely agreed with that statement. But now, well, things were different. "It is time to stop hiding," she said as she headed for the door.

Sleep hadn't been coming easy for Colonel John Sheppard the past few nights. He told himself it was an after effect of the virus, but that was nothing more than a lame excuse. John shifted further up on the bed and grabbed his football off the nightstand. His problem sleeping could be summed up in three words, "Unresolved Sexual Tension," he said while tossing the ball up at the ceiling. He caught it with ease and glared at it for a few seconds. "Your partially to blame for this you know. Had to teach her about you, show her that damn game." He sighed and tossed the traitorous ball to the floor. "Okay, so maybe those three words don't exactly tell the whole story," he grumbled while sitting on the edge of the bed. "Why'd I have to kiss her," he said as he straightened his rumpled sweatpants. Because you've wanted to since you first met her.

John sighed, not sleeping had it's consequences. I've had way too much time to think. . And his thoughts always seemed to head to the same place. His ever changing relationship with Teyla Emmagen. She was the closest friend he'd ever had, he trusted her with things he wouldn't even tell his mother. He'd tried to fool himself for awhile, maybe even succeeded at some point. But despite how horrible his "change" had been, one good thing had come out of it. It had made him face up to his feelings, and given him the courage to act on them. He closed his eyes and smiled. He could still taste her salty lips, smell her sweet skin, and feel her firm breasts against his chest. He remembered how he had wanted to take her right there on the gym floor. Rip her clothes off and …. Crap. John felt those familiar stirrings down below and decided it was time to take a long cold shower. Halfway to the bathroom, he tripped on his sneakers and barely managed to regain his footing. "That could have been fun," he raised his leg to send the shoes flying, only to find himself smiling. " You know, a run doesn't sound like a bad idea." John sat on the cool floor and laced up his Nikes. He grabbed a water bottle off his desk and opened his door.

"Holy….Teyla," he yelped.

Her mouth was half opened and her hand raised as if she had been about to knock.

"J..John, she squeaked. "I was just coming to see you," she said more gracefully.

"I was, uhh, going for a jog." That was so lame, why do I always sound like a fool around her. He plastered a fake smile on his face, and tried to act nonchalant. "So, did you need something?"

Teyla felt like he had slapped her in the face. Am I that unimportant. "I guess I should not have presumed it would be appropriate for me to disturb you at this hour, Colonel. I will bother you at a more convenient time," she said shortly and turned to leave.

Idiot. "Teyla, please, that sounded bad. I'm just a little surprised is all. You are never a bother," she met his eyes. "Never," he repeated.

Her face relaxed and she smiled.

"I'm sorry, why don't you come in?" She looked flustered, "You did say you wanted to talk to me?"

She blinked and opened her mouth, then closed it again.

"Teyla, is everything okay," he said while setting his things on the floor. He touched her shoulder and squeezed while trying to keep his face neutral.

I will not "chicken out," as John would say. "I am fine. And you are correct. I needed to speak with you."

"Okay then right this way," he gestured behind him.

She stepped into his room, and accidentally bumped against his left side. As her fingertips brushed against his warm skin she felt her pulse quickened and her stomach felt like the Athosian Hetu beetle was crawling up its walls.. What is wrong with me?

Goosebumps rose on his flesh as she brushed against him. He couldn't stop staring as she continued into his quarters. His eyes caressed her athletic body as she stopped, and began to turn toward him. Yep, can't lie to myself any longer.

"John," his face lit up like a child with a new toy. "Did I say something amusing?"

"No…it's silly really. Please just go on."

She scrutinized him for several long seconds before, "May I sit down?"

"Of course, here," he said while pulling a metallic chair out from under his desk.

"Thank you," she said while sitting.

John flopped down on the edge of his bed and began playing with the fabric. "You were saying."

"Yes," she swallowed, " I have been having disturbing dreams and.."

"The Wraith," he interjected.

Teyla's eyes widened. "No, something even worse than that.." her voice was barely above a whisper. Sheppard leaned forward, " It is about you."

"Me," he couldn't hide his surprise. "What about me?"

Teyla kept her gaze fixated on her feet, "I dream of you dying," her voice quivered. She took a shuddering breath and raised her head up.

John's chest tightened as he saw a tear track down her cheek. "God …Teyla…I'm sorry. But it's just a dream, I'm not dead." He slid silently off the rumpled bed and clasped her trembling hands, "I'm right here," he soothed.

"There is more," she whispered. Her hands clenched into fists beneath his, "I kill you. You are consumed by the virus, and I am forced to shoot you. You always die, I can never save you," she began to sob.

John guided her down off the chair and pulled her into his lap. Much to his amazement she didn't struggle, just snuggled deeper into his embrace and buried her wet face against his chest. John felt his throat tighten, it hurt like hell to see her cry. He blinked at the moisture he found had coated his own eyes. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and breathed in the smell of her freshly washed hair. He allowed himself to savor the warmth of her body as she clung to him like a life preserver.

"Teyla, you listen to me. You didn't kill me, you'd never hurt me unless you had no choice. I know that," he paused to let his words sink in, " You know it too." He stroked the small of her back and pressed his lips to her ear, "Teyla…you saved me, you could have shot me, hell I wouldn't have blamed you if you had. But you didn't. If it had been anyone else, I might not have survived. Please know that. You have nothing to regret, unlike me. I did a lot of things I wish I hadn't. My mind was.."

"Like kissing me," she interrupted quietly.

"No," he stated firmly.

Teyla straightened and turned around until she was straddling him. As she wrapped her long legs around John's waist she repeated, "No," her face only inches from Sheppard's.

In the entire time he'd know her, Teyla had never seemed so open and willing to show him affection. He wouldn't let this moment pass, he couldn't. John slid his hands up her hips and pulled her in a loving embrace, savoring the feeling of just being so close to this irresistable woman. Not having to remember to hold back because someone might notice she was more than just a team mate. As he stroked her soft hair, he realized he had some more explaining to do, if only he knew how. " That's one of the things I'm not sorry for.."

"But you apologized," she murmured into his ear.

John reluctantly pulled away and met her curious stare. "Yeah, well," he ran his fingers through his hair and began biting his lower lip. " I may have, you see I thought you would be mad at me. Our friendship is very important to me and .."

"You felt I was angry at you so you apologized not for the kiss, but for the way it happened," she guessed.

"Exactly," he raised his arms up, " Why couldn't I just say that?"

She rested her arms loosely on his shoulders and laced her fingers together behind his neck. "You said it was one of the things."

"You don't miss a beat do ya." She smiled innocently. "Yeah, I also don't regret asking you to call me John. It's kinda nice when you use my first name," he shrugged.

A warm smile wiped all the traces of fatigue and sadness from her beautiful face. "I do not regret our kiss John."

Somehow he kept his face impassive. Inside his heart was doing the Macarena.

"I was never upset, just….surprised." Her face became solemn. "I am afraid I may not be ready…."

John pressed his fingers to her mouth ," Shhhh," he leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. "I know. I'm just glad to have you as my friend. I don't expect anything, I understand you might not want to be anything more than that," he smiled sadly.

Teyla stared into those honest, caring eyes and realized she was doing it again. Hiding. The dream John's words echoed in her racing mind, "You still can." He was right, it was time to stop being afraid.

"John."

"Yeah."

" I do want more than a friendly relationship with you," she ignored his shocked expression, "But I need to take things…slow. A lot has happened these past few months. My new abilities, Lt. Ford…" She paused and let her confession hang in the air.

Sheppard smiled. He felt like the dorky high school kid who was getting ready to go on a date with the Prom Queen. Her legs tighten around him and her eyes pleaded with him to say something, anything. All the great one-liners he knew seemed to disappeared along with all of his other higher brain functions. She liked him. "Wow, that's great" Doh, Homer Simpson could have come up with something better.

The brilliant smile he received wiped away all his embarrassment. She knows I'm no Shakespeare.

"So you are okay with this then."

"Yep, nice and slow," he said while his gaze drifted to her plump lips. "As much time as you need."

"I should probably go then before…" her voice trailed off as their eyes connected. Despite her resolve her lips seemed to be drawn toward his by some invisible force. What would it be like if I kissed him back this time? Her breath quickened as she imagined his warm, wet tongue dancing with hers.

"Yeah," he said hoarsely, as her breath tickled his lips. He almost lost control when she took a shuddering breath and ran her tongue over her quivering lips. He knew if she didn't pull away soon he wouldn't be able to stop himself burying his tongue in her sensual mouth. He knew this, but was not able to bring himself to let her go.

Teyla took one last longing look at his handsome face and did the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. She sighed and leaned back away from his tempting body. "I must go now John," she said while forcing her legs to push her off his inviting lap. Or I might not be able to.

He nodded and his thoughts went back to that cold shower. Probably won't even do any good now. As they stood John slid his arm around her waist and began guiding her toward the door. Despite the tightness in his groin, he knew they'd mad the right decision. Past relationships had taught him that rushing into things usually ended badly. I won't make the same mistake this time. Not with this woman, she's too important. He opened the door and released his hold on her. She gave him one last smile and went to leave.

"Hey Teyla."

She turned, "Yes."

"You wanna have lunch with me tomorrow," he asked while shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I would love that John."

He beamed, " I never thought I'd love hearing my name so much."

She knew she was blushing, but didn't care, "I'll see you….later then."

"Definitely…..later." You are more than worth the wait.

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thanks

nicole