Luka walked up the stairs of an apartment building he wouldn't ever recognize if it weren't for the piece of paper with her address jotted down on it. He'd acted desperately and grabbed her address from the employee files, invading in on her space in claim that he needed to give her a box of stuff back. He had known long before that anything she'd left at his apartment she had left there on purpose.
He took in a deep breath, his throat seeming to constrict, as it became dry, before pounding his tightly closed fist against the door. Apartment 3B; the apartment number matched the one on the paper, but that almost didn't matter to him. He'd knock on every door to see her – just to talk to her.
And say what?
He couldn't even answer his own questions anymore. He didn't know what he'd say to her when he did see her. He had known at one time exactly what he'd say. Words of anger and words of hurt, but now he didn't have a clue what he'd say to her.
He'd apologize to her for all of the mistakes that he'd made.
He just knew that he wouldn't let things get away from him like he had earlier, because the last thing that he wanted to do was make another mistake with her like he had earlier that day. But he only seemed to make mistakes when it came to her – when it came to loving her.
He shoved his hands deep into his coat pockets, sighing with anticipation before she could possibly even move to open the door. It was hard to talk to her because he was so angry with her, but it was just as hard to talk to her because he knew that he'd taken everything too much, too fast. He hadn't ever planned on moving so fast, and he believed that he only did it because it felt right and natural to be with her.
The door opened and he looked up from the floor with pursed lips and tired eyes. He saw her face as she took a half step back, struggling with her inner thoughts on whether to say something or just close the door. He, too, could feel a struggle of his own: to say the first word or to wait for her to shut the door in his face.
He hesitated again; biting his bottom lip and etching the toe of his boot across the ground in search of a map holding together so tight that its instructions would be infallible.
"Hi...Can I come in?" His voice was quiet and deep in his throat, reluctant to speak in fear that she'd reject everything that he'd tried to tell her. He still loved her, that much was obvious, but he wondered if she still felt the same. He saw her eyebrows furrow under his reluctant gaze as she clutched the door tight in her grasp.
"Why?" Her words were more venomous than she'd intended.
"I just wanted to talk to you about today," he shrugged.
"There's nothing to talk about, Luka. You know that it never does any good," she shook her head, dropping the door and crossing her arms in front of her chest. She was beginning to despise her own words, knowing that it wouldn't do any good if she'd never give it a chance.
"You don't know that, Sam," he sighed, pulling his hands from his pockets and taking a step forward, "you have to give it a chance. You have to…"
"Why, Luka? Why do I have to give it a chance?" She watched him carefully, waiting for his next move or his next word. She didn't know how she could resist her feelings for him so long. They were good together and she knew it.
"Because you don't even know what I'm going to say," he closed his eyes tightly, breathing in a deep breath. He reached out to her, tucking a loose strand of hair floating in her eyes behind her ear, and let his fingertips brush down cheek. He wanted to tell her he still loved her. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry about earlier."
"What about earlier?" She knew what he was talking about. It was the only reason that he'd bother to show up at her door after 3 months. So much happened between them, so much happened within the 3 months that they didn't speak of anything but work, and so much more could happen.
"I'm sorry about the kiss," he pulled his hand back to himself.
"Don't be sorry, Luka. I can't say that I really didn't want it, but I also can't say that it was a good idea," she offered him a smile and a shrug, hoping to elicit a smile from him as well. She reached out and grabbed the sleeve of his coat, pulling him in her apartment behind her.
She could tell that he was speechless when he reached up scratched his temple, quietly stepping into her apartment and looking around. His hands found their way back into his pockets, crushing his lips together and looking at her with wide eyes. She motioned to the couch, offering him to get comfortable.
"Your apartment looks nice," he pulled his hands out of pockets as he sat down, tapping his closed fists on his upper thighs. He noted that it was the same furniture that she'd had before, never realizing that she'd kept it some way. "Is this your old couch?"
"That's not why you came. Why else are you here?" She slowly sat down next to him, glancing at him as she leaned back against the armrest of the couch.
"I told you, Sam. I came to apologize," he sighed, keeping his hands tight to himself. He didn't remember the last time that he was so uncomfortable around her. "I shouldn't have ever…"
"Luka," she said his name gently, reaching over and covering his hand with hers.
"I don't know how to keep doing this, Sam. I keep pretending that I don't care about you and that I never think about you. There hasn't been a time that when I walked by you I haven't thought of stopping, but I haven't ever been able to find the words to say to you," he bit his bottom lip, looking down at her hand over his and reveling in the feeling of her thumb brushing over his hand.
"We broke up because we want different things," she gently reminded him. She felt herself lean toward him, her hand slipping from covering his. "I want a lot, Luka, but I don't want what you want."
"I want you, Sam," he blurted it out without ever thinking about what he was going to say, immediately giving himself a mental kick. He released a ragged breath of air, looking down and playing with his own fingers to focus his mind anything else in the room than her. "I'm sorry; that was inappropriate. It's just, sometimes I miss you so much."
She didn't say anything, it was her turn to be surprised and rendered speechless, she just pulled her hand back from him. He eyed her warily, sending meaningful glances at his fingers, until he leaned forward and tried to search her eyes for something, any kind of feeling. He felt so distanced from her, as though he was stranded on an island over a million miles away.
"Can you say something?"
"No, Luka…I don't know what to say," she looked up at him, her hand buried in her relatively straight hair. She considered what he made her do, what he made her feel, and let her heart tug her towards him. She quickly contemplated on what to do, considering getting up and locking herself in her room. One thing still remained – she still loved him.
She waited foolishly, as though she was still that same high school girl giving into false hopes, for him to lean into her. She didn't know why she stopped to wait for him; a stranger only passes in the heat of the darkened sky. She'd never been afraid to make the first move with him before.
Her hand met the back of his neck the same time that her lips met his. She was overwhelmed with desire, losing her hand in his long, wistful locks as she pushed herself closer to him. She no longer knew how to tell him she still loved him; it had taken her too long to figure out that just because they wanted different thins now doesn't mean they would always want different things.
He moved into action in sync with her chest hitting his, her fingertips lightly brushing across him as they trickled down his sides to stop at the waist of his pants. He breathed in deep knowing that if anything between them were to happen this would be the time, and he moved her hand from his belt buckle to entwine their hands together. All the while, he let his tongue collide with hers to battle out what could become the taste to linger on his lips for years to come.
He was successful at holding one of her hands in his grasp, but her other hand found its way to the lapels of his jacket to push off of his shoulders. He pulled his lips from hers, looking into her eyes in search of encouragement as he tucked his hands into the waist of her jeans.
"Sam…" But his voice trailed off as her lips hitting his in another fiery passion gave him all of the encouragement that he could need.