Chapter 3
The stress on Abbey was taking it toll. Her blood pressure was elevated and she couldn't sleep at night.
She had finally hired a housekeeper to come in during the day so she could spend her time with Jed and help him with whatever he needed.
She had been there every minute since Jed's MS started to progress and helped him to adapt to the limitations as they appeared. Then Jed's cancer was diagnosed and she stayed by him. It pained her to see her husband of forty years in such distress.
The images of dancing with him, of loving him, of walking with him were now only distant memories. But her vows had stated in sickness and in health and that was what she was determined to do.
But as Jed's condition worsened, she came to regret more and more her agreement with him that there would be no syringe at the bedside. That agreement had been based on the idea that multiple sclerosis would be the cause of Jed's death, not slow, painful cancer. Everytime he grimaced or bit his lip to control any release of a cry of pain, she died inside a little more. Maybe this was the time to discuss the issue again.
"Jed, I have something to ask you." She sat down by the side of his bed and took his hand.
He opened his eyes, but didn't raise his head from the pillow. His skin was pale and cool to the touch. The nasal oxygen was in his nose, trying to give him some extra strength.
"Yes?"
"I think we need to rethink a decision you made a couple of years ago. Do you know which one?"
"No."
"The one you made about no syringe in the bedside table. I think maybe you should reconsider it. When I agreed to it, we both thought that your MS would be the problem, not cancer. But to see you in such distress now, knowing that nothing else can be done, I think we might want to reconsider."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
Abbey grimaced at the macabre statement.
"No. I just want to know if you have changed your mind. Circumstances have changed so dramatically since then. Would you at least reconsider it? You're in such pain and nothing helps. Do you know how much this hurts to see you like this?"
Jed raised his head, but with great effort. "No, Abbey. I have not changed my mind. I want to go when God is ready, not by some artificial means." His head flopped back on the pillow and he closed his eyes.
"I love you Jed. But it hurts me to see you hurt. And to know there's no way out of your suffering is even harder on me. Jed, I'm selfish. I don't want to see you continue in this pain." Abbey's tears were now continuous.
"Jed, please, let's at least talk about it."
"No, Abbey. I will not discuss it any more. You know my thoughts and I refuse to take the easy way out." His breathing became more irregular so Abbey decided to drop the discussion for right now.