Title: Pest Control

Author: Oldach's Dream

Summary: One Shot. Harry's amused. Draco's horrified. Humor ensues. Summary lacking, story is not.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rating: M, but only as a percussion.

Draco couldn't help but notice how his boyfriend's shirt did nothing to hide the well-defined muscles of his abdomen when he laid on the bed in that unintentionally arousing way. One of his arms was tucked under his head, like a makeshift pillow. The other was holding a book in front of his eyes, yet that barely registered in the blonde Slytherin's lust crazed mind.

In one fluid movement, he was across the room, at his boyfriend's side, placing oh- so- subtle kisses on the outside of his neck and shoulder. Harry moaned slightly but did not divert his attention away from his book.

Finally getting frustrated at his lack of response, Draco bit down, just a tad too hard, on the earlobe currently in his mouth.

"Hey," Harry protested, mildly startled. "What was that for?"

"Apparently physical pain is the only way I can get you to pay any attention to me." Pretending to be more put out than he really was by the raven-haired man's lack of interest in his sexual frenzy.

"I'm sorry Dray, I promise we can have unrestrained, passionate sex in a moment, just let me finish this chapter." Harry said apologetically, returning to his book.

"Now there is a sentence I never thought I would hear you utter. It's something I would expect Granger to say; 'Oh we can shag after I finish this extremely interesting chapter on the affects of troll mucus in this potion.'" Draco assumed by mocking Harry's friends he was sure to get at least some reaction that would distract him from the, apparently overly enthralling, piece of literature in front of him.

Instead all he got was a distracted, "This isn't at all an educational book."

Sighing dejectedly, Draco rolled over to his side of the bed. Sitting up he used his down time to do something practical and removed his boots and the cloak he'd been wearing outside earlier.

Now completely comfortable in only a muggle T-shirt and trousers he rested against the headboard of the bed, a squishy pillow behind his back. Realizing that he'd only wasted a few moments he glanced back at Harry, only this time he caught sight of the cover the book that held his attention. He jolted into an upright position, straining his neck to make sure he'd not imagined the picture on the cover of the paperback novel.

Unable to restrain himself, he asked in a ludicrous voice, "What in the bloody hell are you reading?"

Draco missed the smirk that filtered across Harry's face, as he was still starring intently at the book's cover. It seemed to be a picture of some type of bug, with far too many teeth and bright yellow eyes, wearing a trench coat and holding a gun. The title read 'Pest Control.'

"It's a muggle work of fiction I found on the floor of Tatum's the other day." Harry had always liked that there was a bookstore in Diagon Alley that held both muggle and wizarding literature. As he and Draco both enjoyed reading the muggle classics every so often. Never before had Harry bothered with the newer additions to the muggle collections.

Actually, upon reflection, this was probably the first time he'd read a book by a muggle author who wasn't dead. He took advantage of his boyfriend's rare speechlessness to finish the paragraph that he'd been reading.

Three sentences later, Harry burst into uncontrolled laughter. Almost doubling over at the force of it; this was just too good!

"What could possibly be that funny?" Draco bit out. Harry knew how he hated to be left in the dark about anything, but really, how could he explain this plot without sounding as if he needed mental help?

"I... Uh," he started elegantly when his laughter died down. "It's just a really funny book; you'll have to read it."

"Since when do you read stuff like that anyway?" Draco wondered aloud, looking at Harry, who seemed to be willing to pay attention to him now. "All of I've ever seen you read of muggle text is..."

"Yeah, classics, I know." He couldn't help but smile at the way Draco echoed his own thoughts. "But like I said, I saw it on the floor, and, well, you see what the cover looks like, I was intrigued."

"Well it sounds interesting." Draco said.

Harry smirked, this time the blond caught it, "Oh, you have no idea," he said. "This is more entertaining than the biography Colin tried to write on me."

Draco let out a very undefined snort, "I didn't think that was possible."

"Me either." Harry agreed, remembering the bit of hero worship his oldest Creevey fan had attempted at the end of his and Draco's last year at Hogwarts. It had featured many colorful stories of adventures Harry had partaken in over his years of school.

Only a few were vaguely tied to actual events. Moreover, many were presented with an animated photo of Harry, even less of those that he actually remembered the other boy taking. He was rightfully, a little weirded out by Colin's stalker tendencies.

Needless to say, after he read it, he felt somewhat like Lockhart and told the smaller boy that if he even thought about trying to publish it he'd ... Well let's just say he made up quite a few threats featuring some of the more dangerous creatures Hagrid was known to have.

"But this book defiantly tops it." Harry insisted.

"Really? Even the part where that obsessive brat wrote you defeated a troll completely on your own, using nothing but your astounding wit and powers of persuasion?" Draco asked, and then added, "Not to mention the part where you used his snot to intensify the potency of a potion."

"The one that Hermione was reading instead of shagging Ron?" He teased, remembering the blonde's earlier attempts at distraction.

"Yes," Draco agreed, not missing a beat. "Then, if you recall, you spent the rest of the month tutoring Professor Snape on the complexities of said potion."

"Ok, true. But his book didn't include a cross dressing dwarf - saw dust - peanut - red clown nose- circus, sex fetish." Harry smirked wickedly at seeing how large his boyfriend's eyes really could widen.

There was a pause, then, "... you're joking, right?"

Harry's smirk intensified as he flipped through the pages of the all but forgotten book on his lap. He found what he was looking for, and handed the book to Draco, indicating with his finger where he should begin reading. Draco looked doubtful, but complied with the silent instructions nonetheless.

Two life-scarring minutes later, he practically flung the book at Harry's chest.

"That. Was. The most. Disturbing. Thing, I have Ever, read." Draco could not keep the disgust out of his voice, although Harry doubted very much he had tried to.

Harry's laughter didn't cease for several minutes after that. He couldn't help it; Draco's reaction was almost as bad as the scene itself. Almost, mind you.

Every time he thought his howls of laughter had died down, he'd steal a glance at his boyfriend, who still had the most disgusted, shocked and disturbingly amused look on his face; and his laughing would resume.

By the time he got himself under control, he had tears running down his face and actually felt a bit light headed.

"Where you goin'?" Harry asked, noticing the blonde had removed himself from the bed and was now tying up one of his shoelaces.

Draco just shook his head silently, finished putting on his shoes, and walked to the door. Before exiting, he turned to look at Harry.

"I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have sex again."

With that, he walked out of the room, still sporting a dazed expression.

Harry's continuous laughter could be heard all the way through the hallway, and halfway down the block.

If nothing else, Draco had learned never, ever, to disturb his lover while he was reading ever again.

End.

A/N: This was written purely for my own enjoyment after I finished reading the book that this fic is based on. A book a highly recommend, by the way!

Also, Reviews make me happy!