A/N: Wow! I mean you guys simply bombarded me with votes this time around. I had to read through them twice…TWICE I say. However I did finally figure out who just has to go.
Also, in one of the reviews someone asked me why I always had Nemmy sitting out the immunity challenges, if I wanted him to win or something. No, I didn't do it for that reason. Whenever someone had to sit out it was to even up the tribe members so the teams were equal. I picked Nemmy a lot because I figured he could easily win the immunity challenges. Now that the tribes have combined, I won't have anyone sit out anymore.
Now then…on with the hilarity, swearing, and general mistreatment of our contestants…
Back at Camp…
After getting lost no less than three times the contestants finally locate their new camp. They are not thrilled. Since it is a whole new camp site, they must start from scratch, fire and everything. Not to mention they have to decide who is next to get voted off. This premise is not helped by the fact that both tribes have been combined and our happy heroes now find themselves among the evil villains. Though, in all honesty the so called heroes have been acting quite a bit like villains as of late.
And so our new cameraman, the last one is in a rest home recovering from a nervous breakdown. Our insurance rates are going to sky rocket thanks to this season. Anyway, our cameraman corners various tribe members in order to listen to them piss, moan, and groan about the situation.
"This is just so unjust." Marcus pets one of his leeches, looking pretty pissed. "I sacrifice one of my babies and what happens! That little dolt Brad wins immunity. I hate this show…"
The cameraman quickly scuttles away, lest Marcus do something unnatural to him. He corners Brad next.
"I can't be voted off!" Brad looks pretty happy at the moment, surprising since he has tried several times to vote himself off the island. "My clumsiness and general cowardice has paid off! Oh yea, the million is mine!"
Brad soon loses his high spirits when it is pointed out, by the cameraman, that the immunity only lasts for one vote. This causes Brad to whimper slightly and move off into the trees to be alone. The cameraman, feeling very Wesker-like thanks to crushing Brad's tiny backbone, next corners Alfred.
"I have no beeping clue where I am, or what the hell I'm supposed to be doing." Alfred looks rather angry and somehow very manly, even in the bikini…scary. "Also…WHY THE BEEP AM I WEARING A BIKINI! I'm a beeping man!"
The cameraman then returns to passive mode, perhaps fearing that getting any more insight into our contestants state of mind may cost him his life or his sanity, perhaps both. So the camera pans over the camp, observing our contestants as they try to build said camp. Things are not going well either, an argument has broken out…let's observe…
"Beep you!" Carlos growled, throwing a stick of wood. "I'm doing my best here Princess!"
"How dare you talk to me like that!" Alexia screeched, throwing her own piece of wood. "I'm Alexia Ashford!"
"Whoopee for you, you arrogant twit! Everyone knows if it wasn't for your boyfriend you'd have gotten voted off a long time ago!"
"Why you, you…you immigrant!" Alexia is so mad, she's turning a bright shade of red and looks ready to burst into flames at the next opportune moment. "I have never been so insulted in all my life!"
"Wait, you're young yet."
The insults fly for a few more minutes before communications completely break down and a fist fight ensues. A few feet from this display, which everyone is ignoring, Jill and Alfred are deep in conversation.
"Let me get this straight. The blonde chick fighting with the Cuban is my sister. My name is Alfred Ashford and, for lack of a better term, I'm a fluff?"
"That's about it Skippy." Jill put the finishing touches on the canvas and pulled the rope taunt. "Alright, shelter at last."
"Wait." Alfred quickly ties off his end of the rope. "What if I don't want to be a fluff?"
"Well I guess you have a fresh start since you lost your memory in the immunity challenge a couple days back. Although you did run around like a moron in the last immunity challenge." Jill brushed a bit of hair out of her eyes. "We all thought you got your memory back or something."
"Not hardly." Alfred looks deep in thought, when he suddenly snaps his fingers. "Jill you're pretty tough, can you teach me not to be a fluff. Plus I need like an alliance here, or I'm screwed."
Jill ponders the implications of such a venture for several seconds before answering.
"Sure."
Meanwhile the fist fight rages on and Billy's current whereabouts are unknown…
Tribal Council Area…
Wesker seems in unusually high spirits this fine evening, despite two black eyes, a broken pair of sunglasses, and various bruises from the stoning earlier. His rather chipper, yet equally evil, attitude certainly has to have something to do with tonight's vote. After all he has one more little surprise for the contestants of the show tonight, one more chance to cause them great emotional pain and suffering. Needless to say, given Wesker's unnaturally treacherous personality, he's enjoying his job quite a lot at the moment.
So as the tribe walks into the council area, looking majorly pissed off and tired, Wesker immediately breaks into a five minute evil laugh fest. This earns him more than a few dirty looks from the tribe members and countless death threats, though mumbled and a bit garbled as they are.
"You know, when he does shit like that…it scares me." Marcus says, shuddering a bit.
"It wouldn't be so bad, but I think that damn leech is laughing too." Jill mutters eyeing Bob, who is still perched on our evil hosts head.
I suppose you could call the little squeaking noises Bob is making laughter, but who can really say. While Wesker is wrapping up his laughter, he notices that Alexia and Carlos look like they both got run over by Mac trucks. Carlos has little wisps of smoke curling off his hair, a split lip, and a black eye. Alexia has numerous bruising around her neck and a gigantic bruise on her lower jaw. Wesker's evil smile brightens as he realizes the two must have gotten into a fight, apparently the new HCF tribe is just not getting along.
"Alright time to cast your votes. But before that I have to ask if Brad would like to give up his immunity to someone else."
"No beeping way. "
"Ok then." Wesker is a bit shocked at this display of anger, but also finds it amusing. "Now you can't vote for Brad, but everyone else is free game…have fun."
Rebecca is the first to vote. She skips up to the pot, scribbles out the same name twice and holds up the card.
"I'm sorry Billy, but you're starting to outlive your usefulness. Well that and Marcus is kind of cute and he did beat you down like a little bitch a few days ago."
Rebecca smiles happily and skips back to her seat. Morpheus is next to vote. It quickly scribbles out a name and holds up the card.
"Nemmy, I'm sorry but I still don't like the whole couple thing with Alexia. Not to mention you could be a real pain in the ass in the immunity challenge department."
It drops the card in the pot and retakes it's seat. Brad is the next to vote. He quickly scribbles out a name and holds up the card.
"I'm sorry Morpheus but you scare me. I mean practically everyone on the former Umbrella tribe scares me, with the exception of Alfred, but you also creep me out. Sorry."
He drops the card in the pot and takes his seat. Carlos is next to vote. He hastily scribbles out the same name three times and holds up the card.
"Alexia…I hate you…you broke like of my ribs! DIE BITCH DIE!"
Carlos drops the card in the pot and takes his seat. Alexia is the next to vote. She quickly scribbles out the same name six times and holds up the card.
"Carlos…I hate you…you mussed my hair! DIE BASTARD DIE!"
She then drops the card in the pot and takes her seat. Alfred is next to vote. He scribbles out a name and holds up the card.
"Since I lost my memory I really don't know which one of you people I hate the most at the moment, but Morpheus is just creeping me out so I have to vote for him…err…her…uh…it?"
Alfred shrugs, drops the card in the pot, and takes his seat. Nemmy is next to vote. He scribbles out a name and holds up the card.
"starrsss….starrsss…starrsss…"
Translation: Rebecca and her whip is scary so I vote for her…even if she does look rather sexy in that black leather underwear combo…
Nemmy blushes a bit, no really he did, and quickly takes his seat. Jill votes next. She scribbles out a name and holds up the card.
"Morpheus, you're creeping me out. It was ok when I didn't have to sleep in the same camp as you, but the situation has changed…sorry."
Just as Jill returns to her seat, Billy finally shows up. Much to everyone's surprise and dismay he is still riding the Hunter. In fact Billy actually seems kind of fond of the damn thing. He gives the Hunter a little pat on the nose and saunters over to vote. Brad has now passed out…
"I vote for Morpheus, cause he creeps me out."
Billy smiles and heads back to his pet Hunter, who is idly chewing on Alfred's shoulder. Wesker seems to be completely and utterly dumbfounded at this entire display and appears to have no clue as to what to do about it. Write this down folks, probably the only time you'll see Wesker this confused. So while Wesker stands in dazed confusion, Marcus heads up to vote. He scribbles out a name, just like everyone else, and holds up the card.
"I didn't know who to vote for so I decided to embarrass the host."
Marcus smiles, drops the card into the pot, and takes his seat. Wesker snaps out of his confusion and rushes off to count the votes.
"Alright, when your name is read please bring me your torch." Wesker reaches in to grab the first card, then looks back at the survivors and smiles sadistically. "There is one teeny tiny thing I forgot to mention. Whoever is voted off from this tribal council on goes on…The Jury. In the end they will be the ones deciding who wins the million dollars."
After relishing in various cursing, sobs, moans, groans, fainting spells, and various cases of nervous breakdowns Wesker tallies the votes.
"Let's see here…Rebecca, Morpheus, Morpheus, Billy, Billy, Alexia, Alexia, Alexia, Wesker, Morpheus, Car…WESKER!"
Alright folks I was wrong…YOU will be seeing Wesker exceptionally confused again, cause he is…right now…at this very moment.
Wesker flips back through the cards, until he comes to the one that had his name on it. He then stares at it for several seconds trying to figure out just what the hell went wrong with such a simple plan. All the survivors had to do was vote some poor shmuck off the island, was that really so difficult? Meanwhile the tribe members have broke down into giggles. Even the folks in the tree seem amused…
In the Tree…
"Can they really vote Wesker off?"
Claire has just voiced the same question everyone else is wanting to know the answer to.
"I…uh…I don't know." Chris shrugs. "Did they ever specify he couldn't be voted for?"
"Well no." Yoko looks as confused as Wesker at this point. "I think everyone just took it for granted that he couldn't be voted off."
"I wouldn't think he could be voted for, he is the host." Nicholai shrugged. "Then again the way this show goes…"
"You can't vote Albie off."
Everyone turns to look at Alex, who has a rather large book in her hand and Hunk's head in her lap. Bear in mind he still thinks Alex is his Mommy…sad isn't it?
"How do you know?" Claire leans over a bit trying to look at the book Alex is holding. "What is that you're reading anyway?"
"It's the rulebook for Survivor. Hunk had it. According to paragraph C of section 18, page 145 you cannot be voted off the island if you are a member of the Survivor staff."
"But Wesker works for the HCF." Annette is also leaning over to look at the book, while Birkin is taking notes. "So that rule doesn't apply to him."
"Guest hosts is covered in section 24." Alex sighs deeply. "So he can't be voted off."
The morale of the tree drops several levels at this news. Meanwhile…
Back at Tribal Council…
After getting over the initial shock of discovering some ignorant and potentially dead, should he ever get his hands on them, person had voted for him Wesker quickly read over the remaining votes.
"YES!" Wesker did a little jiggy dance, scaring everyone present. "Will the pink thong wearing Cuban…COME ON DOWN…you're on next contestant on…Being Thrown Into the Tree!"
Despite the fact that everyone thought Wesker had now completely snapped, they were overjoyed to know that Carlos would no longer be living among them. Brad actually broke down crying. Everyone in the tree was crying as well, but for a whole other reason. None of them wanted the thong wearing Cuban anywhere near them.
Carlos grabbed his torch and walked toward Wesker, mumbling various obscenities under his breath. Wesker put out he torch, grabbed Carlos by the neck, and was just getting ready to throw him when one of the producers came running into camera range. This would be the same female producer that called Wesker a blonde bimbo several episodes back.
"You can't throw him into the tree!"
"Why not?" Wesker was still holding Carlos off the ground by the throat…it should be mentioned Carlos is turning a bit blue at the moment. "We always throw the morons voted off into the tree."
"But he's on the Jury you dimwitted blonde!"
"ca…can't…bre…bre…breath..." Carlos gagged, smacking Wesker on the arm.
"Don't call me a dimwitted blonde!" Wesker was still choking Carlos and completely ignoring him. "My damn hair isn't even blonde at this point, you idiot!"
"So, what, you're just a dimwit now!"
"…air…" Carlos is now very limply smacking at Wesker's arm…
"Look here missy." Still ignoring the fact he's killing Carlos. "I'm a bit tired of you insulting me…that is not in my contract!"
Meanwhile…
Back in the Tree…
"Holy shit!" Leon was just above the branch where Alyssa and Ada are tied to, looking through the binoculars. "Um…I know you guys don't want Carlos down here but if we don't do something Wesker is going to choke him to death while he argues with the Producer."
The team of former survivors spring into action…um…sort of anyway. Chris climbs up to take a look at what's going on, Hunk continues his nap, and everyone else starts making bets to see how long Carlos can hang onto life. It's sad when heroes go bad isn't it?
"You know if we still had ammo for Alex's magnum we could possibly save his life." Birkin is busy taking notes, he seems to do that a lot. "Of course that's providing we wanted to save his life."
"Oh shut up!" Alyssa is pissed again, go figure. "I'm really sick of you guys bringing that up!"
"Alyssa…just die or something." It's the first productive thing Ada has said since getting thrown into the tree. "You keep yelling and Alex is just going to try to kill you again."
While Alyssa glares at Ada and everyone else starts making odds on Carlos' immanent demise, even Chris and Leon have gotten in on the action, Alex takes matters into her own hands and starts rifling through Hunk's tactical vest. I mean the man is always prepared he has to have something right?
She finally comes across two things that might help, a slingshot and a mouse. However, Alex is in for a rather large surprise…
"Oh…hello."
Alex holds the mouse by the tail and stares.
"Oh man…I…uh…oh man."
While Alex continues to stammer everyone else turns to see just what the hell she's been smoking.
"Um, could you maybe not hold me by the tail, that kind of hurts."
There is an audible clunk as every jaw in the tree hits the ground below. These people had seen practically everything, but a talking mouse was a new one on them. Alex slowly nodded and set the mouse in one cupped hand.
"Thank you." The mouse dipped his head a bit, maybe out of politeness I mean it's a freaking talking mouse! "That really bothers my back being held like that."
"Ok, I've gotten infected with the T-Virus just one too many times." Alex shakes her head. "Who are you and how the hell can you talk?"
"I'm D.I.J. but you can call me Sparky." The mouse…err…Sparky dipped his head again. "I kind of got infected by some T-Virusand now I can talk."
"Hey wait, I remember you!" Claire has now officially had a thought pass through her head, it's a momentous occasion. "You're that mouse that leaped out of the locker at me back at the Antarctic base, the one with the journal!"
"I am indeed." Sparky smiled a bit…it's a stretch but work with me here people. "Hunk found me shortly after the whole base went up in smoke, good thing too I was turning into a mousecicle."
"Look Sparky, we have to save someone up there and Albie is scared of mice." Alex sounded pretty calm for someone talking to a mouse. "Could we maybe slingshot you past his nose?"
"Ordinarily I'd be more than happy to help, but I get airsick. Could you use the other mouse Hunk has in his pocket?"
Alex rolled her eyes, but dug around in Hunk's tactical vest again and finally came up with another mouse. Thankfully this one didn't talk. She shoved Sparky onto her shoulder, pushed herself to her feet, loaded the spare mouse into the slingshot, sighted in, and let her rip…
Back at the Tribal Council…
Everyone present was starting to get the feeling that they wouldn't have to worry about Carlos being on the Jury. They were currently taking bets on just how much longer he was going to last. Hell the only reason they new he was still alive is because he was kicking his feet back and forth trying to hit Wesker.
"We can have you replaced you know!" The Producer was really getting flustered now. "You are not indispensable!"
"I have an unbreakable contract!" Wesker smirked. "And further more…"
Then all hell broke loose…
The mouse went zipping past the Producer and hit Wesker in the side of the head. He glanced down, let out a blood curdling scream, and threw Carlos straight in the air. He then proceeded to run around waving his arms wildly.
"SHIT!"
Chorused the entire HCF tribe, who proceeded to dive out of Wesker's mad rampage of complete idiocy. The Producer, in the meantime, was having a breakdown of her own.
"AHHH…GET THE CRANE!"
Without warning a large boom crane, with a rather large cage hanging off of it, swung into view. The operator somehow managed to catch Carlos before he fell into the tree with everyone else. With that disaster averted the Producer bounded off camera to go do some paperwork or something. The survivors disappeared into the jungle, desperately trying to get away from the freaked out Wesker. The mouse fell off the platform and landed back in the tree. With the mouse threat gone, Wesker promptly passed out.
The show's ratings have gone up by thirty points…
Back in the Tree…
Hunk is still napping, there is an argument as to how to settle the bets since Carlos survived. Though it appears everyone is overjoyed that he won't wind up in the tree. Alex is having a rather nice discussion with Sparky, who is still on her shoulder, about his brother, the mouse they slingshoted into Wesker's head who is now sitting on Chris' shoulder.
Just another day on the Island…
Next Time on Survivor…
More humor at the contestant's expense…
A haircut gone wrong…
Yet another immunity challenge…
Wesker meets a second sister…scary…
A/N: Wow, this is longer than normal…yahoo for sleep deprivation and Mt. Dew. Anyway I hope you enjoyed, thank 'BK I got it' for the voting off of Wesker idea…you go girl! I also hope you like the addition of the talking mouse! BTW I wasn't quite sure of Carlos' nationality so he wound up Cuban…go figure. I think he's actually from Central America though…(wanders off to ponder that thought)