A/N: Guess who's feeling post happy? Me! But I swear, no more till I see some reviews. Feedback is love, people
This is so not what I wanted. Yeah, kissing's great, but the silent treatment isn't. We've both been there and done that, and déjà vu is just not what it used to. We've done this little avoidance dance before; it wasn't fun then and guess what? Not much better this time around. But I've got to give you brownie points for style. At least this time you're not ignoring me. You're not glaring at me. No, we're still talking, but about the weather and that guy's shoes. Sure, you don't glare at me, but you don't meet my eyes, if I'm lucky, you'll glance at my forehead.
You won't talk about it, you just pretend it didn't happen. Like it didn't mean anything. Like you didn't try to stick your tongue down my throat. Like you didn't like it. That's the game you've decided to play and you've also decided that I should play along. Who am I to deny you? Now, I thought I was your best friend. I thought I was maybe just a little bit more. But I guess not. I'm a convenience, I'm an experiment, I'm a question you want to try and answer but can give up on as soon as it gets too complicated.
Unfortunately, I'm used to this and I let you do it. Even more unfortunately, I go along with it. I act like I don't even remember it. I act like I can't see this space between us. I act like I can't see that you put it there. And I act like I don't know it's getting bigger. Like I don't care.
I thought I'd messed things up before. I thought it was killing me, not seeing you or speaking to you for those days we went without each other. But this is actually worse. Half of you is worse than none of you. You won't touch me. No taps on the shoulder to get my attention. No grabbing my hand to pull me anywhere, else. Always a calculated distance between the two of us when you sit down or stand next to me. I can see you calculating as we walk so we don't accidentally bump walking through the halls, or walkways, or parking lot, wherever.
At least when you stayed away from me, I knew you couldn't be near me. But when we're together and you stay away I know you don't want to be near me. And I want to go back. So far back. Before you kissed me. And you kissed me, remember? It's your own fault really. Back before we first fought. Before you told me you thought you liked girls. Back when we were just friends. Back when that was all we could be. Back when we knew everything. When you were Spencer and I was Ashley and Spence and Ashley were best friends.
I don't like who we are now. This Spencer who acts like she isn't breaking my heart and this Ashley who doesn't care that it's being broken. These people suck. What we need to do is get a dialogue going between these people that I hate and see if we can't get them back to the people that I love.
Yeah, talking. Talking is good. That's what we need. I tell myself to talk, a couple of times, I'm kind of stubborn you know, and look up from what this cafeteria passes off as food and try to get your attention.
"Spencer." And it was just air. Breath that sounded like your name, at least in my head, that couldn't possibly have heard above all the din, but you did. You did. And you look up. Into my eyes, because you know what that tone of voice means. It's got, Don't screw with me, written all over it. You look at me and I know that if you mixed blue and brown it would be my new favorite color.
"Spencer," I say again. "We need to talk."