So how is everyone tonight? I hope you are all good. So I went to bed late last night--around two in the morning as it turns out--and i woke up about 8:30. The relevence of this is that I think better when i am tired (And so just add that to your list of things that makes me odd) so i was just laying there, and i thought up this one-shot. I would like to warn you that it is extremely sad. If you are actually planning on reading it, don't forget to grab yourself a box of tissues. I actually cried writing this, and I was having such a hard time keeping myself from wanting to go into a corner by the end of this. So it is actually a miracle that i finished this. But I have already warned you that it is sad, and i would also like to point out that APRIL NEVER EXISTED! ok? She will never come up in any of my fics as far as i can help it, so if you were wondering if i was going to at anytime, the answer is, and always will be NO! On with the one-shot. Tissues ready?
A/N: Italics are for flashbacks. yes, i do love my flashbacks.
Disclaimer: No, I do not own Gilmore Girls. And even if i did i would never include this type of event in the show. That would be bad.
Love Was Not Enough to Save Happiness
She lay in bed thinking about the past few years. She had been through so much, and now her life had reached living hell status. How could he? How could he leave her like this? Why did he have to leave like that? Why? What did she do to deserve this? What would have happened if the doctor hadn't said those few words? What if the last few years were erased, and then rewritten to resemble something more like a fairy tale? What if? Why? Those were the questions she had kept asking herself. She kept coming up with answers that made no sense and that were not accepted by her.
Lorelai just sat in the dark, looking through the photo album. She saw pictures of love, pain, hurt, happiness, and every other feeling found on the emotional rainbow.
There was that picture where her and Luke sat sitting together on the porch swing just laughing at each other's jokes. There was a blanket thrown over their laps but you could tell that Lorelai had her legs pulled up underneath her. She was leaning on Luke who was cold from the November air. Maybe that was what caused it. But the doctors said that it had nothing to do with environmental factors. A tear steamed down Lorelai's face as she remembered that year. She pulled out the photo and looked at the back.
Luke and Lorelai. November, 2006.
"Why did you have to go?" she asked the photo quietly. "Why?" she repeated as another tear streamed down. It was then followed by a band of more drops spouting from her eyes. "Luke, you left me alone. How could you?" she asked but this time she was yelling at the picture. After a few more minutes she turned the page.
It was a picture of Luke, Lorelai, and Rory, all at the wedding. Luke and Lorelai's wedding. More smiles. More laughter. More ignorance of what was to come. Lorelai was wearing her white wedding dress. It was a strapless, frilly-less dress that complimented every curve of her body. Luke was wearing a tux. Lorelai remembered what it took to get him into that.
"Luke! Please! Come on! We're getting married and you are refusing to wear a tux?" Lorelai had begged.
"Yes, I am. I am not wearing a tux." he refused.
"Luke! This is our wedding and if you don't wear that tux, god help you, I will kill you!" she yelled at him. She was furious. "Lucas Danes!" she yelled as he started walking away. "Don't you walk away! I am your fiancé, we are getting married, and the least you could do is wear a tux for half a day!" she yelled as she followed him.
"I will wear the tux." he said nonchalantly.
"What?" she asked astonished.
"I will wear it." he repeated.
"You love teasing me don't you?" she asked. He looked up and smiled at her. He then leaned in for a kiss. When he pulled back he answered her.
"Yes I do." he then leaned in and kissed her again, only this time it lead to something more.
That was always what Luke loved to do. He would tease her; she would pretend to be hurt. He would apologize, they would normally end up making out and then making love. "I miss you." Lorelai whispered. Rory was wearing a light violet colored dress that resembled a shorter version of her mothers. Lorelai's hair was bouncing with her curls as she and Luke drank champagne. Luke was smiling and laughing as Lorelai whispered something in his ear. God, that was the best day of her life. She had had all of her family there. Even Emily and Richard were there. Not in the picture, but there were some pictures to prove that her stubborn mother and father were there to witness their only child finally married. She remembered that day better than almost any other. It was April 10th, 2006. The one day where all the unhappiness from her mind was washed away. But now, she had even more unhappy things going on in her life and no one to mend her heart from all the tears and rips.
She turned the page again. On the left side there was a picture of Rory and Luke together. Rory was crying into Luke's chest as if he was her father. Who was Lorelai kidding, he was her father. He was the only father figure she had for the second half of her childhood. Mashed potatoes, caterpillars, coffee cakes, love. That is what he gave Rory. He gave her all of those things and even more. Lorelai had to smile at the thought of him being her father. She had never seen him as that until the night everything came together; the night that Luke and Lorelai finally realized that they were meant for each other. Why had it taken her so long? If it hadn't then what would have happened? They would have had more time, more smiles, more memories, more happiness. "God Luke, I love you." Lorelai whispered as she brushed her fingers over the picture. "We all do. That will never change. I promise." she finished as she brought the photo up to her lips and kissing it.
Luke looked so comfortable and not in the least bit awkward as he hugged Rory. It was raining and it looked like it was the middle of July. Lorelai flipped the photo over to reveal not only the date, but a little message she wrote herself.
July 2006.
Rory just broke up with Logan. When will she learn? When she reaches the age that I was when I met Luke, that's when. What can I say; she is her mother's daughter.
Lorelai laughed at her little bit of humor. She remembered how Rory had broken up with Logan, gotten back together, and this picture was taken right after the final break up. Luke had been the first person that Rory had seen as she approached the house and had immediately run to him. He had embraced her quickly, but had not asked any questions. That is how it always was. Comfort now, ask later. "Good philosophy Luke. Maybe I should try it out." she whispered to the picture again. She was now skimming through the photo album trying to find a picture that stood out. She saw ones filled with happiness, ones filled with joy, ones filled with nothing but pure bliss. But then she turned the page to the last picture. It was almost identical to the one of Rory and Luke, only this one must have been taken in late spring or early summer. No rain, no big weather catastrophe, nothing unhappy in the picture but the two people standing on the porch.
"No Luke! No! Make it go away! Make it all go away!" Lorelai begged and pleaded as she sobbed into his chest.
"I wish I could, but I…but I can't." he swallowed back his tears. He wished that he could let out all of the emotion that was caged up inside, but he couldn't right now. Lorelai needed him right now, even though he was the one that this was affecting.
"Yes you can! Just make it all be a dream! Make the doctor wrong! Make him wrong!" she sobbed more but this time she pulled away from him and started beating her fists on his chest.
"Lorelai, stop. This isn't going to solve anything." he said softly as he grabbed her wrists and slowly brought her body closer to his.
"Luke! You can't go! You can't leave me alone! You have a baby coming!" she screamed as she pulled back.
"What?" he asked in astonishment.
"Luke I'm two months pregnant." she said a little quieter now. Luke couldn't come up with words. This had made things worse and complicated life even more.
"Are you sure?" he asked unsteadily.
"I had some blood taken because I suspected something. You were in getting the scans done. They confirmed it almost immediately. Please Luke! Don't leave! Don't go! Don't let what they said be true!" she pleaded again. Luke again pulled her into him again.
"Shhhh, it's ok. It'll be ok." he comforted. No it won't. He thought.
"Luke, how can it be ok? They said you had cancer! A malignant tumor! A deadly disease! They said it will kill you in the next 6 months! How do you plan of making that ok?" she sobbed.
"I don't know."
Tears were now pouring down Lorelai's cheeks. That was over a year ago. She didn't know who had taken that picture. Probably an unsuspecting Kirk who had no clue of what he had just captured on photo. That had happened a year after they were married.
May, 2007.
No description was needed. It was all there in the photo. Everything else in the world was wonderful and happy while Luke and Lorelai were going through hell at that moment. What had happened? The doctors had said that it was genetic, and then Luke confirmed that his father had indeed, also died of cancer, but why Luke? Why? "Why Luke!" she yelled as she threw the photo album against the wall. It flopped down to the floor and Lorelai placed her head and her hands. She noticed that she had two more photo albums sitting right next to her. She reluctantly picked up the smaller of the two. It was a black on the outside and Lorelai knew why. She opened it up to pictures of Luke lying in a hospital bed. God how she hated to see Luke look so defenseless. It caused more tears to come cascading down her face like after a big rain storm, with miniature waterfalls forming on rocks. The one that caught her eye was the last in the album.
It was a picture of Lorelai crying against the wall with her knees pulled up to her chest and her head in her hands. Oh god, this was it. This was the picture. Luke lay in a hospital bed, pale and lifeless. Who would take the time to photograph this horrific moment and then put it in a photo album? What was wrong with people? Not only did she have to live with the memories, but she also had to be reminded every time she looked at these photos. Who was she kidding; she was reminded of that day by everything. Tears streamed down her face more than ever. "You left me Luke! You left me all alone!" she cried. The tears fell down to onto to the photo.
"Luke! Don't do this! Don't leave me!" Lorelai sobbed as she clutched Luke's hand in her own. He was barely conscience, but Lorelai knew he could hear her. "Lucas Danes! No! Don't you dare die! You need to be here to see our baby born! You need to be here to rock her to sleep and sing her to sleep!" she sobbed as she squeezed his hand even harder. Luke looked up at her slowly. "Yes Luke! That's right! Our baby's a girl! I just found out earlier! We can only hope she looks like you because that gives her a better chance at getting my eating habits! Half and half, you know." she joked. She laughed through her tears as Luke smiled slightly. He whispered something but Lorelai couldn't hear him. "What did you say?" she asked him as she played with the wedding ring on his finger.
"No…coffee." he said as he smiled some more. Lorelai laughed at this. She also let some tears escape her eyes.
"That's what you think mister! You just try and stop me! And I will refuse to feed her salad too." she joked again. She couldn't hide the misery anymore. She burst out into tears and collapsed to the floor. Luke just stroked her hair lightly. He even let a tear slip down his face.
"You can't go Luke." she whispered. More tears started to pour out of Luke's eyes as Lorelai dried her own. She then stood up again and looked straight into Luke's eyes. "Luke, you still have to be the one to help me through the labor, help me in the night when I am exhausted. You still have to be there for her first tooth, her first word, her first step, her first day of school. Her first boyfriend. I mean I married you just to see you chase a punk like that off our porch in the dead of night." she joked. Luke smiled again. "You need to be there for me when she goes off to college and leaves me all along. You need to be the one who gives her away to the same punk who you chased off the porch! Preferably at a different time of day, but whatever time you're available." she smiled and laughed while Luke just gave a short chuckle. He then started coughing. Lorelai looked at him worriedly until he stopped about five minutes later.
"Luke, you still have so many more years left to live and enjoy with us. Come on! Be my strong diner man! Just hold on! You'll make it! If you want we could try the arm pinching thing just to make sure we're not dreaming." Luke lightly pinched her hand that was sheltering his feeble one. "Well, I don't think we are dreaming then. Unless it only works if you pinch the person on the arm. You cheated Luke, you pinched my hand." she joked. Luke slowly raised his hand to her arm and lightly pinched it. "Ok, not dreaming." she laughed slightly.
Luke then placed his hand on her 6 months pregnant abdomen. He felt the baby kick and he smiled. "Yah, she only kicks people she really likes." Lorelai laughed as more tears streamed down her cheek. Luke tried to whisper something to Lorelai. Lorelai leaned in to hear him better.
"I am sure she does." he said. Lorelai leaned in and kissed Luke carefully.
"Who couldn't love you? God knows I do." she answered him.
"Lorelai, I love you." he said. Lorelai pulled away suddenly.
"No! Don't you dare! Don't you dare leave me here Danes! Don't you even dare!" she yelled as her eyes became a big fountain for tears. She placed her hand of her abdomen. "Our baby still needs you!" she gestured to the door, "Rory needs you! The town needs you!" she stated to sob as she stood two feet from Luke's bed. His eyes her only half open. "God damn it Luke! I need you! I need you more than anything else on earth! You were there all those years! You were there and you understood me when no one else could! Don't leave me here alone! You can't! I can't let you go." she yelled. "Luke, please don't leave me. Please. I am begging you, please don't leave me here." she begged.
"I love you." he whispered as he drifted off into unconsciousness. Seconds later the machine monitoring his heart rate stopped beeping and became one long never ending high pitched screech.
"NO!" Lorelai screamed. "No! Luke! Come back! Don't leave me Luke! Come back!" she screamed at the lifeless body as numerous doctors and nurses ran frantically into the room. They went unnoticed by Lorelai as she tried to wake Luke up. "Wake up god damn it! Luke! Wake up! Wake up1" she screamed hysterically.
"Excuse me miss, you need to step away from the body." an orderly said as they tried to remove her from Luke's side. It eventually took two people to get her far enough away from Luke's body for the doctors to gain access to the body. Lorelai had her back to the wall before collapsing to the floor in sobs.
This must have been where the picture was taken. This must have been where her grief was captured in a photo. This was the truest of all of the photos she had ever seen. It showed the true Lorelai. That was all the emotion that had filled her at that moment in time. "Luke, please come back." Lorelai whispered. But he wouldn't be coming back. Luke would never be coming back. She traced the outline of Luke's dead body with her finger. Her Luke had been taken from her. She looked at the back of the photo.
September, 2007.
That was the extent of the date given, but Lorelai remembered the exact time. "Call it. 10:30 AM, September 7th." that was the exact time and date."Lucky number 7 my ass." Lorelai whispered. No one could ever replace that void that was left by Luke's death. No one. Not even the little girl that Lorelai gave birth to three months later. December 1st. That was the date that her little baby was born. And she was right; she did look exactly like Luke, with a few feminine features of course. Every time Lorelai caught a glimpse of her little baby girl, she would see Luke. She would see the time they picked out paint colors. The time they chased Stella around the house. The time he made her the Santa burger. The time he made her the chuppah. The time he gave her 30,000 dollars. The times he gave her coffee. The times he fixed things around her house. The times he listened to her problems. The times he kissed her. The times he told her he loved her. The fact that he had loved her. The fact that he had cared. The fact that he was gone. Luke was gone. The love of her life was gone. Forever.
Lorelai looked back down at the back of the picture. She discovered that there was more than a date. There was something else. It was written in unfamiliar writing, but it was still clear enough to read.
He was never like Louie. Not once.
Lorelai smiled at this. It was right. He never was like Louie. He had always been caring, loving, had been so happy at the thought of children when they had started trying to conceive 6 months after their wedding. He had always shown his sensitive side to those who loved him the most. If only everyone else could have seen that side of him. If only his daughter could have gotten a chance to see that side of him. If only she could have grown up knowing him and who he was.
All of a sudden Lorelai heard the phone ring next to her bed.
"Hello?" Lorelai answered trying to dry her eyes and sound happy.
"Hi mom." Rory said sorrowfully.
"Hey sweets. You couldn't sleep either?" Lorelai asked as she tried to sniffle quietly.
"No. It's been a year now."
"I know."
"I miss him mom." Rory said as she started to sob over the phone. Lorelai heard this and started to shed tears in a larger amount.
"I do too." Lorelai said through the sniffles and the tears.
"I just wish he was here. You know." Rory said as she futilely tried to stop crying.
"I wish that Lexi could have gotten a chance to meet him. Thanks for the photo albums by the way." Lorelai sobbed.
"Yah, Miss Patty said to give them to you." Rory said as she grabbed a tissue to blow her nose. All of a sudden Lorelai heard a cry from the other room.
"Rory, Lexi's awake now. Can you call me back?" she asked as she got up put of bed, pushing the photo albums away from her.
"Uh…yah. I can. And mom, we are all here for you if you need anything." she informed her mother.
"Ok. Byes hun. I love you." Lorelai said to Rory.
"Bye mom. Love you too." Rory said and then they both hung up.
"That's what Luke said." Lorelai said to herself as more tears erupted from her eyes. She walked into Lexi's room which was pink with a wood floor. She found the baby screaming at the top of her lungs. "Shhhh, it's ok. It'll be ok." Lorelai comforted as she held her baby close to her. "That's what daddy said, didn't he?" Lorelai said remembering Luke holding his wife close to him just as Lorelai was doing with her baby girl, and saying the same thing. The baby just cuddled into Lorelai's chest. "Thanks for my little Alexis. You truly were one of the three blessings in my life. I do and forever will love you Luke." Lorelai paused to let a tear slid down her cheek. "And I want to reassure that I didn't forget about the boy. I will chase him off the porch when the time comes." Lorelai laughed and as Lorelai said this she could swear she could hear Luke's chuckle in the wind and his whisper saying "I bet you will."
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feedback please. this is actually my first one-shot. i have never even attempted it before today. and i took time out of my homework doing (dirty!) to write this. and in your review, please tell me if i made you cry or if i almost made you cry. it really is appreciated! I love reviews! I live off from them! they sustain me when there is no more coffee or milk in the house. And that is the case at my house today. so be nice and give ducky a little love--through words that is.