Sam sighed, stepping out onto the metal fire escape through the window, and dragged her hand through her hair as the breeze quickly became a distant thought in the back of her mind. She'd been thinking nonstop for two days, since Friday when he'd mentioned it to her, of the possibility that she could be pregnant, and it just couldn't leave her mind. She'd tried everything possible to forget about it, but all of her attempts had failed.
The fact that he'd brought it up and told her that she was, or at least that it was what he thought, had weighed heavy on her chest – especially since she'd just laughed it off, and told him to shut up so they could have sex.
She glanced over her shoulder and back into the window, Cujo dropping to the floor directly in front of the window, and sat back against the side of the building with her knees pulled to her chest. The breeze flowed through her hair as the cold air wisped across her cheeks, stinging her wetted face from the tears silently sliding down them. She didn't know why she was crying.
She missed her son; of course, she still had him but he wasn't the little boy that he used to be and she was missing when he'd cling to her and love her in front of anybody just because she was his mother.
She'd been alone all day since Luka had gone to work and Alex had gone to the movies with his "friends", although, both he and Sam knew that she wasn't being fooled. She smiled politely and let him go, knowing that it was easier than putting up a fight. She didn't need an angry teenager's hostility in the house alone with her all evening.
She hated weeks that Luka worked nights and then had to work on the weekend, making it harder for them to catch up after the few weeks they'd barely had time to connect.
The wind hit her again hard, and Cujo lifted his head from the floor to look at a sudden noise inside of the apartment; she was left clueless. The sirens in the distance reminded her of work and how she'd had the weekend off. She'd spent Saturday with her husband and son – family time, and she'd spent Saturday night with her husband because Alex had gone out with his friends. She'd spent the day with Alex, making sure he cleaned his room as she cleaned the rest of the house, and the evening by herself.
She glanced at her watch, noting that it was almost time for Luka to be getting home from his 12 hour shift, and she leaned her head aback against the bricks of the building. The sun was on the realms of setting, and the glimmer of its rays bounced off of the metal on her watch and her engagement ring and wedding band. Her arm had never looked so heavy before now.
She'd never told her parents that she was getting married, and she wondered if they new that she'd even been seeing someone. The only people that really knew her and Luka had gotten married were the people that she knew in Chicago, and Luka's father. She hadn't even bothered to tell Steve, she hadn't called home to tell her parents, she hadn't told her brothers, and she hadn't told the friends that she'd talked to right before she moved to Chicago.
Chicago had become her place of refuge, her place of secrets, and her city of love.
She stopped and pursed her lips as she reached up and wiped the tears from her face – hoping to wipe away every trace that she'd ever been crying. She closed her eyes briefly, hearing the faint calling of her name but failing to acknowledge the call. She couldn't bring herself to speak.
"Sam," his voice was heavily concerned and the accent was thick as he poked his head out of the window.
He stepped out with one leg, stretching it far across the dog making his black slacks inching up his leg and revealing a black sack scrunched above the opening of his shoe, the skin of his ankle was tarnished by the wind as the long, black hairs stood on ends. Her eyes traced up his bottom, starting from his shoe, and inching up his body; her eyes barely grazed over his hips before he moved out onto the fire escape. His black slacks were tightened with a black belt and his royal blue shirt was tucked in tightly, and on his shoulders graced his black, leather jacket.
"What are you doing out here? You're going to catch your death."
She shook her head and rested her hands in her lap, his tall form over towering her with such ease.
He crouched low as he attempted to sit beside her, the fire escape barely big enough for him, "you don't have a coat or anything and the wind is blowing like crazy."
"Oh," her eyes drifted over at him as he groaned when he sat on the metal beside her, "I barely noticed."
He looked at her, noticing her inner struggle, and crossed his ankle over the other as he stretched out as much as possible on the compacted fire escape. He squinted as the rays of the sun hit eye level, and he entwined his fingers to rest in his lap. He pursed his lips together, looking over at her again to see her eyes wondering across the sky – seemingly unable to look at him.
"The apartment looks nice."
She finally looked over at him. He was so full of compliments, so thoughtful, and he hadn't ever neglected her; he'd always noticed when she'd done something around the apartment, and he'd always mention it even though she'd told him many times it wasn't necessary. She held her hands still in her lap, wanting to reach up and touch him but not having the will to do so.
"What's the matter with you?" His voice was concerned as he turned towards her slightly, noticing, for the first time, the tears that were and had been sliding down her face. He reached out to wipe the tears away from her cheek, but she reached out and caught his hand to keep him from touching her. "I don't understand what's wrong."
"It's nothing, Luka. I'm making things a hell of a lot more complicated than they need to be," she laughed quietly into the back of her throat, but her laughter subsided as she saw him immediately shake his head. His hair was disheveled, she noticed, with his bangs bouncing off of his forehead and his hair crashing into his sideburns as their length were noticeably longer. She wasn't sure that anyone else would notice the slight physical appearance, but she noticed. "I am."
"I bet you aren't," he pursed his lips together, finally lifting his hand and covering hers in her lap with his fingers overlapping hers and his fingertips pressing lightly into her inner thigh.
"I'm being emotional…Or something," she sighed warily, his hand gently pressing across the back of hers as he slid his hand over her skin.
"Maybe you're about to start your period," he shrugged, a smile forming on his face as a laugh was elicited from the back of her throat.
She reached up with her free hand and wiped the droplets of tears from her cheeks, her body shaking with laughter. She nodded with a smile still on her face as she looked over at him.
"Yeah…Maybe."
He lifted his other hand and brushed his thumb across her cheek, his fingertips sliding down her tear-stained cheeks. He turned, his back no longer touching the wall, and lapped his leg over hers with his foot flat against the base as he leaned into her. He lightly touched his lips to hers as he squeezed her hand gently.
"We should go in…It's going to get a lot colder," he touched his hand to the top of her head as he leaned back. He smoothed his thumb across the hairline on her forehead as he stood up, letting his eyes linger on her before he stepped back into the apartment through the window. He carefully avoided the dog as his foot pressed hard into the wood floor, looking back out there over his shoulder to see that she hadn't moved. "Please come in!"
His eyes showed concern, leaning back out the window to look at her. His face was met with the collision of winds, and he sighed at her.
"In a minute," her voice even sounded disinterested, as though her focus was elsewhere, and he reached out as far as he could to press his hand into her shoulder.
"Okay," he said gently, turning back into the apartment and patting his leg for Cujo to follow as he walked towards the kitchen.
He shrugged his coat from his shoulders, shivering in the cool room chill, and laid it across the back of the couch. Cujo followed him closely behind as he stopped and wrapped his hand around the door handle of the refrigerator door, pulling it towards him for a light to flood the room. There were no lights on in the kitchen or the living room, and the sun was setting fast in the world behind him – he couldn't bear to watch something so perfect.
He heard her slam the window shut from behind him, startling both him and Cujo, and turned abruptly on his heel. He saw her head shake gently in the shadows as she walked in his direction, her eyes focused solemnly on him. She inhaled deeply at the sight of him illuminated by the refrigerator door, remembering just how beautiful he really was.
"Decide to join me in the apartment instead of catching your death?"
He grinned as he reached into the fridge, pulling out a cold Budweiser as he moved his hand behind his back and slowly began to pull his shirt out of his trousers. He inhaled sharply as he felt her cold fingers skim up his back while he reached into the front and pulled his shirt out of his pants. He shivered, his body chilled and the fridge floating slowly to a close.
"Sam, you're acting weird," he pursed his lips together, as he turned slightly and glanced at her over his shoulder.
"I just want to be close to my husband. How does that make me weird?"
She laughed quietly, her breath hot against his skin, as she dragged her nails down his back and pulled her hands back to herself. She knew that she was acting a bit weird, her emotions running a bit wild and seeming a bit random, but she didn't know how to fix it. It just seemed that whenever she got around him, especially after she hadn't seen him for what seemed like days at a time, she wanted to just touch him to be sure that it was real and to reassure her that he was there with her.
"Not that," he shook his head before he took a gulp from his freshly opened Budweiser, "you're just crying one minute and the next you're in here all…Rubbing up on me. What the hell is going on?"
"I don't know," she lifted her hands up as she shook her head, stepping backwards until the small of her back met the edge of the counter. Luka slowly turned to face her, and he reached passed her to set his beer down on the counter behind her as shoved his other hand into his hip. She looked away from him sheepishly as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "It's hard to explain, I guess. Something in me is…Is craving you."
"You're full of shit," he smiled as he shook his head, taking a step towards her while he reached for his beer. His chest went into full contact with her outstretched hands, and he turned his head slightly to take a swig from the long neck bottle. He dropped his head, playing with the label of the beer bottle leveled at his chest, and he pursed his lips together. "Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Don't lie to me, Sam," he shook his head lightly, his eyes venturing upward towards her eyes but never looking at them fully. He exhaled in exhaustion and slightly exasperated, his nostrils flaring just enough to make her hesitate. He was irritated that she wouldn't share with him what was so obviously bothering her. "I know you. I know you enough to know when something's bothering you."
He looked hurt, and it made her heart jump in her chest. Her eyes glazed over and she hoped that she wouldn't cry again as her eyes drifted down to stare at the games his hand was playing with the bottle of cold beer. Normally he'd offer her one as well, but she noticed that this time he'd neglected.
"Are you unhappy with me, Sam?"
He lifted his eyes from the floor and narrowed his vision in her direction, not really looking directly at her but looking passed her. His eyes went back down towards the floor, catching a glimpse of her engagement ring glimmering in the rays of the sunset. They'd be standing in the dark if it weren't for quiet rays of the sunlight.
He reached passed her and set his beer bottle on the counter. His hand went to her tanned shoulder and his fingers slid down her arm, his fingertips brushing over the back of her hand. He wrapped his rather large hand around hers and lifted it, his thumb tracing her ring and band on her finger. He bit his bottom lip, her hand limp in his.
He lost his ability to breathe for a moment as he pinched the rings on her hand with his thumb and forefinger, slowly beginning to slide them from her finger.
She'd watched him with furrowed eyebrows. She couldn't move, couldn't say anything, and could barely breathe. Her eyebrows arched high on her forehead as she looked up at him questioningly, wishing she could urge herself to move. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out – lucky for her, he wasn't pulling quickly at all.
"No," her voice was barely audible and firm enough to make him lift his eyes to her face, "baby, don't."
He sensed the shake in her voice, and it made his body tense. He pursed his lips together and nodded, pushing them back down her finger until he could slide his fingers into hers. He looked back down, this time at their entwined fingers, and he drew circles into the palm of her hand with his thumb.
"I'm not unhappy with you, Luka, I love you."
"I know," he whispered, stepping forward as he pressed his lips into her forehead, "but that doesn't mean that you aren't unhappy."
"I'm not unhappy, Luka, I'm just terribly confused," she let her eyes close briefly as he pulled his lips from her skin and pulled away from her, his hand staying tightly locked with hers. His eyes began to trace her wedding band again, almost self consciously. She saw his eyebrows furrow low on his forehead, prompting her to answer the unknown question. "I can't remember the last time that I saw my parents, or even talked to them. I don't think that they know I'm married – that we're married. I don't think that they even know I met a handsome, Croatian doctor."
"That's okay," he whispered gently, his eyes leaving their hands as they wondered around the room, "they didn't do much to stay in touch with you. I'm sorry, but you had a little more on your plate than they did."
"I want to tell them – I want them to know about you because, besides Alex, you're the best thing in my life right now," she squeezed his hand and reached out to tug the front of his shirt slightly playfully, his gaze piercing through her. He smiled slightly, dropping her hand to cup her cheeks in his hot and rough palms, and his stomach muscles tensed. "You make me happy, Luka – You really do."
"I love you so much," his voice was gentle as he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, letting his hands slide down to her waist. Her hands slid around his torso and pulled him closer by pressing her fingertips into the small of his back. He pulled away as he felt a hand delve into his hair, smiling at her before he briefly kissed her. "We'll figure it out."
"I know," she nodded as he grabbed his beer and turned to walk up the stairs towards their bedroom.
She watched him walk away, surprised at how scared the look in his eye had been. She'll never forget that look, because it scared her, too.