Between Him and Her
by Apple-chan
Summary: She could never be his. He couldn't protect her if he stayed. But...he wasn't going to let him leave. JeannexLysergxMarco.
Warnings: PG-13 for issues and slight shounen-ai.
The dedication stays...for Yui-chan and Yomi. Second to the last part. Hope you like it.=)
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Part Three: Deliverance
Iron Maiden Jeanne looked up to the clear blue sky, and smiled at the Heavens.
Her lips parted slightly, and she began to utter a soft, silent prayer.
...Lord, thank You for your gift of peaceful solitude, and rest.
Thank You for giving me the honor of serving You, and your creation...
Thank You for allowing me to do the mission You have set for me in this world...and thank You for providing me with the strength and the will to do as you have asked.
For all those instances when I felt my body giving way, and for all those times when I had come so close to giving up...thank You for helping me stand, and for bestowing me with the power to endure everything as much as I can.
And most of all...
She closed her eyes then, sighing softly at the memory of all her comrades, her angels.
Thank You for giving me...all of them.
Her breath hitched slightly as she remembered all of them...most of them long gone, but never forgotten.
Most of them, save for two--Marco, and Lyserg.
Lyserg...
Something strong and painful clenched inside her chest, making her crumple down on the ground. She placed her hands over her heart, and drew in a shaky breath, in an effort to ease the pain that was tormenting her, tearing her apart inside at the mere thought of him.
She opened her eyes then, and felt something warm and wet trickle down her cheek. Then another. And then, another.
And then, more...until she was finally crying, all the anguish, the hurting...and all the anger and sadness she had welled up deep inside of her bursting out like a dam, flooding the world like a strong thunderstorm.
But...
...She had no right to cry. She had no right to feel pain, not over this. She had no right to sadness, not over this. She had no right to be angry...not at Lyserg, not at Marco...not over this.
None of this was Marco's fault. And certainly, none of this was Lyserg's fault, either...
Sometimes, she wondered if maybe, just maybe...she was responsible for this all. Sometimes, she blamed herself for everything that happened. She blamed herself for Lyserg's pain, and his departure. She blamed herself for hurting him. She blamed herself for Marco's pain--for her sake, as well as for Lyserg's.
And...she blamed herself for all the hurting that Marco was suffering because of this. Because of Lyserg. Because of her.
Everything...was her fault, that much might be a certainty.
That was why she had asked Marco to go...to search for Lyserg, no matter where he may be. To ask him to come back, even if he didn't want to. To tell him that, even if he was not allowed to love her, then...he could at least let himself love someone else, and be loved in return. With all his kindness, his virtues, and his wonderful selfless nature...he deserved that much. He deserved happiness...happiness that Jeanne could never give him. And the love that she could never give him.
He deserved Marco.
And Marco, for all that he has done, for being everything that he was, that he is, and everything that he will soon be--he deserved no less, for sure. He deserved to be granted that something that he has chosen to deny himself of, for her sake, and for Lyserg's. He could have all that happiness, because he had a right to it. He deserved all the love that Lyserg can provide him...because it had always, always been his from the very beginning.
As for her...
This was her fate.
She had long ago resigned herself to the fact that...this was the life she would lead, from childhood, until her death. Nothing would ever change. There was nothing she could decide on her own. Everything that she did, and everything that she felt...they were all preconditioned.
She had chosen this life, knowing what it entailed. She knew what was expected of her. She knew what she must do. She knew what her responsibilities were.
And most of all...she knew what she can, and cannot do. By treading the path webbed with all the sufferings, sins, sadness and anguish of mankind...by being Iron Maiden Jeanne, she had to give up everything. In her heart, there can be nothing but pure service, sacrifice and love--for the whole humankind, not just for one person. By choosing this life, she had foregone that right. She cannot love anyone. She could not choose to love just a single individual, for to do that would mean depriving all of humanity the chance for salvation.
And she knew...if she were to choose between loving only one and making everyone suffer for it, as opposed to loving the whole of mankind at the price of the suffering of one individual--she would choose the latter.
She--like Jesus and all the other saviors before her--belonged to the whole of humanity.
And Lyserg--he deserved someone who would love him in return. It wasn't fair to him, to suffer like that on account of her. She could never return his feelings, not like that. Not in the way he wanted it to.
But...it wasn't because she didn't want it.
For all those years that had passed, she had tried so much to keep as much of a distance between the two of them as possible. She had tried to stay on one side, and him, on the other. She tried so hard not to get too close...because she knew what would be the result if that happens.
And yet...somehow, all the circumstances, everything that occurred--they came about so suddenly, and so naturally that neither she nor Lyserg were able to realize that it was actually taking place.
The feelings came...as subtle as the growing of the grass, and as beautiful--and as inevitable--as the rising of the sun, and the blooming of the flowers.
It was her fate to live a life of sacrifice. It was her fate never to be able to love, or be loved by a single man.
But still...she did anyway.
If it was her fate to live this life, chances are--it might have been Lyserg's fate to fall in love with her, and--bitter though it may be--to never get that love reciprocated.
And chances are...it was her fate to fall in love with him as well...but the sad, hard truth is that he would never find out.
...He can never really know...how much I love him.
She had no right to love him, after all.
No matter how much it hurts me, I can never tell him.
Never.
Taking a deep breath, she daintily wiped the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. Iron Maiden Jeanne did not cry. Iron Maiden Jeanne had no right to cry, not for something like this.
She looked up to the sky again, and resumed her prayer.
Lord...if I could ask one thing from You, right here, right now...if You can grant me this one wish, I will be content, and I shall never ask for anything again.
She bit her lip, a lone tear escaping her eye.
Please...make me forget.
Help me find the strength to let him go completely...to give him the freedom, because I know, as long as I have this... she held her palm to her heart, as long as I feel this...he can never truly be happy.
He doesn't need to suffer because of this. None of this is his fault.
Everything...is mine.
If I must give up something just to forget this...to forget him, I will.
Even if it means I have to give up my life, I will.
If taking away my life would mean giving him back his happiness...then, let it be done.
If that is the punishment I deserve for loving him...I accept it wholeheartedly.
And, if that's the only way...if there's no other way for me to forget, then...I accept.
My life is yours, Lord.
Now, and forever.
With that, Iron Maiden Jeanne bowed her head, did the sign of the cross, and stood up gracefully from the pavement. With one final deep breath, and a last glance at the sky, she set her gaze at the stone path leading outwards from the Church. This was where she had last spoken to Marco. This was where she had last seen him, right before he left to redeem that which is most precious to him.
Right before he left to claim him--him, whose love was rightfully his, and not Jeanne's. Lyserg.
She turned around then, and walked back inside the Church, back to the haven that she had long ago resigned herself to. The Iron Maiden.
She was the savior of the world, and forever and always, she would remain...
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"Jeanne-sama," Lyserg whispered as he kneeled in front of the altar, bowing his head at his superior, at the lady that he loved more than life itself. He fleetingly glanced at the man beside him--his companion, his friend, his confidante--and the one person who has brought back the heart and happiness in his life, more than he had ever thought possible--Marco.
The blonde, bespectacled man gave him a warm, reassuring smile, before he himself bowed his head and turned his attention back to the Iron Maiden. "Jeanne-sama...I've found him."
"...Thank you, Marco." Jeanne's quiet, slightly shaky voice echoed from inside the metallic contraption. "Welcome back, Lyserg." When she uttered his name, her voice was barely above a whisper.
"I...I'm sorry for leaving, Jeanne-sama," Lyserg raised his head, trying to imagine that he was talking here, face-to-face with the maiden herself, and not with the metal facade she resides in. "Never again, I promise," he vowed. Beside him, Marco's hand reached out to squeeze his shoulder, and he managed a faint smile of gratitude.
Silence reigned across the whole church as he awaited Jeanne's answer. For a few moments, only the occasional ticking of the clock, both men's even breathing...and Jeanne's quiet, barely audible sighs were heard.
Finally, she spoke. "...I know, Lyserg," her voice was still shaky, and soft. "I know."
"Thank you for asking Marco to get me," Lyserg smiled this time--a genuine, happy smile that conveyed volumes. "Thank you...for everything."
"You are welcome..." Jeanne answered. She couldn't speak anymore after that. Not when her tears were falling. Not when it was hurting her so much, to see him...
Yet...he would never know...
"I'll help you with your luggage," Marco said quietly, placing an arm on Lyserg's shoulder and motioning for him to stand up. "Jeanne-sama, if you'll excuse us..." He bowed his head respectfully before turning to Lyserg expectantly.
Lyserg nodded, and stood up to follow Marco. Together, the two of them walked across the hallways to head up to the path leading to the rooms.
As he reached the back, Lyserg paused for a moment, his eyes reflecting a hint of sadness as he glanced at the Iron Maiden. "Jeanne-sama..." he whispered quietly. "Thank you, and..." his voice trailed off at that. But the words he could not utter echoed in the silence.
...I will always love you.
Always.
And with that, he hastily picked up his pace to catch up with Marco, who was waiting for him.
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As Jeanne watched the man she loved--together with that one person who deserved his love--walk away from her, and finally, disappear from her line of sight, her tears flowed freely. She knew she had wept her heart dry, and still...she continued to cry.
He will never know. I will keep this a secret until my death.
She took a deep breath, a faint resigned smile hovering on her lips.
Death.
She clasped her hands together and closed her eyes.
As it is Your wish...then it shall be. Your will be done, my Lord.
My life is...forever Yours.
The thorns tightened around her body, and as her skin prickled and bled, so was humanity purged from all its sins.
I love you, Lyserg.
I love you...and goodbye.
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TSUZUKU.
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Notes:
Yeah, that was weird...as always.xD
And yeah...I guess I couldn't help but incorporate some religious insights here. I think it's the Catholic-raised girl in me speaking.=)
And as always, comments/suggestions/criticisms/reactions/etc are always welcome.
UP NEXT: Final Part: Repose - When all else fails, only one thing remains to stop all the hurting.