Between Him and Her

By Apple-chan

Final Part - Repose

Warnings: For death. But then again if you've read this far, you should know that. :D

I was the one who found her in that state.

All those bruises, the wounds, the cuts...everything from the Iron Maiden. She had been drained of blood, of power, of life...almost completely.

At that time, all I could think of was how to save her...if I even could. But when I came to her, it was already far, far too late.

I could not save her.

I remember her from the later part of my childhood, my adolescence, and...she had seemed so powerful, so invincible, so above death that I didn't think it could ever happen.

She had never been a normal human being. In my eyes, she had been beyond human—a goddess of sorts, to put it bluntly. Even as the years passed, even as I loved her, the thought that I could never have her was always in my mind.

I knew we could never happen, her and me. It was impossible...for I was only human and she...she was divine. And humans, as much as they try, can never touch divinity, because it was forbidden. Taboo. You cannot fall in love with the one who created you—the one who made you who you are now. And in a way, she had made me into what I am now.

All the things that I had come to believe came crashing down on me at the instant that I saw her. Or rather, what remained of her. The last of her life had been completely drained by that cursed sarcophagus...her haven, her mission, her sacrifice, her life...

Her murderer.

How could it have happened? Even now, as I watched the roaring blaze in front of me, as I watched the flames incinerate the last remaining memory of what was now the former X-Laws, the former Iron Maiden Jeanne, the savior who was no more—I could not make sense of it.

The principles that we have fought for, the battles that we have won and lost, and all the lives of the ones we love that were taken from us...the cruelty of fate, of destiny, of life—that was all it was. None of us were ever meant to be saved. Everyone existed only to suffer on, and on and on...

I used to believe in salvation. As a child who had lost both parents, a child who only wanted to find his way in the world, I had always believed in it. Even unconsciously, I suppose, for even if I could not voice out the word, it had always been in my mind. It was the only thing I had ever wanted.

With finding her, I had thought my hopes and wishes, and my prayers have been answered. The comrades that I had found became family, while she...she had been the one up there, at the summit of my dreams, the pedestal inside my heart. The savior, the divine messiah who would cast away all my sins, take me into her arms and tell me that it's all right, there's nothing to be afraid of now, you're safe, safe, here with me...

When it was that things had taken a turn, I could not remember, but they did. What had happened was a stupid thing, I know...but no one could have blamed me. I couldn't have stopped it. The ring of fate, the course of nature, and more importantly, my feelings...

If I could have realized it then, perhaps everything would have been different. Perhaps I could have saved her, and myself. I could have saved both of us this pain, this...suffering that fate had meant for us to live and die with. If I had been brave enough to defy fate, to go against the destiny that had been preconceived for us, for her...

Everything I did, right from the very start, was wrong. Placing her on a pedestal, making her the goddess of my world was the first mistake that I had ever made. For she wasn't, she wasn't a goddess at all. She was, like me, only human.

Loving her as a human, as a man loves a woman, wasn't a mistake all along. From the earliest parts of my life I had suffered, and watched the people around me suffer...loving her wasn't selfishness. From the very beginning, I could love her, and she in turn could love and save the world at the same time. Loving her wasn't taboo; it wasn't a sin, it wasn't forbidden—it was my right, my privilege.

Loving her had been the first step to my own salvation...and if I could have known it then...

She could be wrong sometimes. In my eyes, Iron Maiden Jeanne may have been something of a savior, but she certainly hadn't been perfect, I realize that now. She wasn't invincible, she wasn't beyond death, and her power...her power could only do so much. It had its limits, just like everything else.

She was human, just like Marco, just like me.

But that was not the most painful thing.

It was not that she was human—for I could accept that. I was ready for that, because somehow...a part of me had been aware of that from the very beginning. Her humanity was as clear and as plain as day, but I had chosen to ignore it because for me, it hadn't been that important.

When I held her in my arms, just before she had taken her last breath...that was the most painful thing.

"I'm sorry, Lyserg..."

"...I lied..."

Right then and there, I wanted to die with her.

"I love you..."

"...goodbye..."

That was the last, and most painful evidence of her humanity.

Everything she had said before, all the reasons she had given me as to why I should not allow myself to love her had become meaningless, right then and there. Why did there have to be anyone else, when it could have been her? Why did I need to throw away my feelings, when I could have been satisfied with loving her from afar?

It wasn't selfishness. That's what I keep telling myself, over and over. Even as I loved her, she could still belong to the world. Even as she loved me, she could still love the world at the same time. There was no more need for sacrifices. There was no more need for suffering. What she had gone through for most of her life—for all of her life—they were enough. The twenty years of suffering that she had gone through—the twenty years of complete and boundless self-sacrifice and service that she had given to the world—that was enough. She didn't need to give more. She didn't have to give any more.

Loving me was not a sin. We were both human. It was bound to happen, just as everything natural comes to pass, like the rising of the sun, or the changing of the seasons, or lowering of tides...

How could she have done all this? How, and why...why, when things could have been different. If only she had chosen to love me, openly, freely...

That has to be another human thing—the freedom of choice. She loved me, yes...but by choosing not to tell me her real feelings, by letting me go, she had proven once again that she was human.

But the reason? No matter how much I think about it, I could not know, could not make sense of it. Why she had chosen that path. Fate had no control over this now. She could have. She could have loved me. She could have.

But she had chosen death. Of all the choices that she could have made, it was death...

Perhaps I would never understand why. Maybe I was never meant to understand.

Maybe this was something divine—something that was beyond my human comprehension could take.

Maybe she was—is—in fact, a goddess after all.

Now, it's almost evening and it has started to rain. And the flames that we—I—had lit is almost completely out. Everything has turned to ashes—the church, the sarcophagus, the body of Iron Maiden Jeanne...

It was what she had wanted. That's what I keep telling myself, up to now. To be able to begin my life anew, I had to erase every last, every little thing that would remind me of her. Everything had to die along with her.

I clenched my fists tightly and looked up at the sky. The rain fell on my face, splattering, making me wet, but I did not care. Somehow, I was still hoping...hoping for all eternity that I would get the answer that I seek. If she was somewhere out there, listening to the plea, the cry of my heart...she would reply.

But I heard nothing. She was dead, and there was nothing more.

A hand clasped my shoulder. Some part of me knew that it was Marco, and automatically my body pivoted, turned away from the ashes of what had once been my sanctuary...my life, my salvation. My love.

There was nothing there now.

...Goodbye...

I froze. Halted, stopped in my tracks. Turned, and looked back towards the remains of the Church...and Jeanne.

A passing breeze on my ear, and the scent of flowers. The scent that I had come to know and love. Her scent.

I'm sorry...

Only a silhouette, but it was there.

She was there.

-END-

Notes:

I'm sorry, Marco fans. I can't explain this ending, except that I am and will always be a true blue LysergxJeanne fan. So even if Jeanne is dead here...well, you know. :D

And yes, I am back. Hopefully I can write the rest of Promenade now. Having my own computer is convenient, but my internet access is still erratic. But I am on a break now, so I'm really hoping that I can write. It might take a while, since I have to go over the story again and try to remember what's supposed to happen next (since stupid me forgot my fic notes back home in Manila). Anyway, keep posted!

As always, reviews, comments, criticisms and all you can dish out on me are very much appreciated.:D