A walk was not about to help, but he already made up his mind. And so, in the young morning light, Curt took his worries to the streets.
He was walking briskly, and when he noticed, he slowed down. His body needed its lifeline. He was involuntarily hinting at it. With an unsteady hand, he pulled out the usual cigarette and box of matches. There was one lonely match inside when he pushed the carton open.
"Light up, you fucking fuck." he ordered the wooden stick. He was becoming more frustrated as he stroke it against the box. The flame started, faltered, and died.
"Bastard!" He flicked the cigarette down the gutter angrily.
"Hey, hey. Give the cigarette a break, huh?" a man snickered at him.
"Hey yourself!" he returned. He wasn't about to take any more shit. "Why don't you go home to your mother, fuck her, fuck yourself, and die. I can marry the cigarette if I want to."
The man hurried away, too shaken to say anything. Curt turned around to be greeted by a wall. He positioned his forehead against it and sighed deeply. His eyes fell and his breathing lulled. He just stopped himself from crying.
"What do I have to do?" he asked himself. "This is all I need right now!" he said loudly, picking his head off the wall and bending it back.
Finally, he departed. He walked even quicker than before. He didn't know where he was going or what he was looking for. Maybe to a bar where he could pour some piss down his throat, or a nice, tall building facing a busy road. Nothing made a difference. Everything he did found its way back to Brian.
Brian didn't realize at first that the alley he stopped at was next to the lounge. He felt weird. He couldn't grasp how he was guided back. It didn't matter anyway. He felt like…well…like he always felt, magnified to an almost unbearable degree.
Reluctant to go back in, he listened to a band play from outside.
Yeah I'm waitin'
for you, it's been so long
He staggered, almost stumbled, to get up. His legs had fallen asleep. He remained pinned against the brick wall after he managed to stand.
Yeah I'm waitin'
for you, it's been so long
Yeah I'm sad when I'm on my own
They said
it takes a long, long time
I know where this is going. he thought. The song was beginning to repel him. It would only add to his damage.
He was about to leave, when he saw the first and last person he wanted to see. It was Curt.
I can't believe this shit actually happens. he thought again, feeling knots in his gut.
Curt spotted Brian right away. He never could've missed him.
Brian's legs amazingly regained feeling in an instant. He shoved his body around and started to go, paused, and came back. He realized that he had just walked in a circle.
If it's not too much
Could you hear me now?
The two were hesitant, but couldn't help but be drawn closer to each other. It was a strange feeling, like being lured while in a self-inflicted trance or dreading something all the way until you finally step into it and find out that it's what you've wanted all long.
"Well this is definitely awkward." Brian started, faking a laugh.
"Yeah." Curt said. "I, uh, heard you had a show. I didn't know when or where though."
"You knew about that?" Brian asked, surprised at what he was hearing. Suddenly he felt weak. He felt vulnerable.
"Yeah."
They were quiet for a while. Inside, they were fumbling and tossing everything around. Each was hunting for what he would say next, what he would do next.
You promised me, you'd always be
When I wake up
please come around again
Come around again
"Can I—" Brian's voice cracked. "H-hold…." He appeared as if he was going to collapse.
Curt caught him in time, and he threw his arms around Curt's neck. Curt locked him in a tight embrace.
"God. Oh God." Brian huffed. "This is such a…." he began to laugh. "Why am I crying? I'm not supposed to be crying."
You promised me, you'd always be
When I wake up
Please come around again
Come around again, yeah
"I'm sorry." Brian said, the tears flowing down, unrestrained. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I deserved it. I deserved it all." The words raced out of his mouth faster than his mind could retrieve them.
He pulled away from Curt, but held on to his shoulders. All Curt could do was cry along soundlessly and eye what was unraveling in front of him.
"I just wanted to say all that. You don't have to forgive me. That, I don't deserve." Brian whispered.
Yeah I'm waitin'
for you, it's been so long, the song echoed.
Yeah I'm sad when I'm all alone
They said
it takes a long, long time
"I have forgiven you." Curt said, sucking back his tears. "I forgave you the day I came back. I've forgiven you everyday, when we were together, and after…."
"I love you. I still love you. I don't think I can ever stop." Curt continued, as he squeezed Brian's arms. He couldn't believe how easily he was dropping the words.
"But you're not…in love with me anymore." Brian replied shakily.
If it's not too much
Could you hear me now?
You promised me, you'd always be
When I wake up
please come around again
Come around again
You promised me, you'd always be
When I wake up
please come around again
Brian released his hold and tugged at his long sleeves. He hauled his face across them, completely smearing his make-up. Curt's eyeliner was no match for his tears either.
Yeah there's something I was thinkin' about
Get it out of my head
Yeah there's something I was kickin' around
Somethin' you said
"I gotta…go." Curt almost hiccupped. He was just about ready to find that building and jump off.
"Wait." Brian said, still crying. It was beyond him now. He had no control over the salty water draining out of his eyes. "What are you gonna do?"
"Guess I'll write a song about this." Curt joked.
They both forced a sad, teary smile.
I don't know when I'm right
I only know when I'm wrong
So when you gonna leave some light to show it all?
And keep the lights from going off
Cause I don't see, yeah, the singer crowed.
Curt took a step and landed a kiss on Brian's lips. It was the one thing he could leave, and take with him. He held Brian's face in both hands and looked into him. Brian focused on Curt with stormy eyes, relishing the moment. Then, Curt let go.
Raindrops began to fall and spatter on the ground.
Cause I'm waitin'
for you, it's been so long
Yeah I'm lost but I'm at home
It was Curt's turn to leave, when Brian called out once more.
"Wait." he said firmly. He stood motionless, letting out a nervous laugh. "Will I ever see you after this?" The tears washed down his face again.
They said
it takes a long, long time
"Someday." Curt answered. He ran as soon as the word left his mouth, disappearing as rapidly as he came. Brian took slow paces in the other direction, feeling like the pavement shifted under him. Both felt so glad, and so terrifically sad at the same time. They each felt like they could drop down at that moment and wither away into nothing. They each knew that even if they tried, they could never bring back the same relationship, the same love. Both had been hurt enough.
If it's not too much
Could you hear me now?
The wind gained strength. The sky rained down with all its might, as if to share the sorrow. The colliding drops erased any traces of Brian and Curt's meeting.
And from the lounge, the song pressed on.
Come around again
Come around again
Please come around again
Record: STOP
Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Come Around Again." It belongs to Jet.
Note: So…how was it? Good, bad, wonderful, terrible? Contrived? I did mean for Curt and Brian to meet when I first conceived this story. I just didn't know when. Anyway, I am very interested in your reactions. Please be excruciatingly honest. You never know, the story can always be re-worked…. To conclude, I just want to thank everyone for reading this, especially those who have been so faithful! It's gotten more attention than I can ever wish for.