"Talking"
'Thinking'
Stressed
Journal
I hate it. I hate everything that exists. I hate the fact that I have to eat; I hate the fact that no matter what happens I still feel pain. This life is a never-ending cycle that is driving me insane. The daily routine of having to open my eyes and face the world everyday is worse then having to eat. Eating is overrated, I don't have a disorder… it just bothers me a bit. If I don't have to eat, I hold out and see how long I can go without food. I wasn't like this in junior high…but I've developed a problem. People tell me it's not right to be this dark, but I just give them a careless stare. I wonder if anybody truly cares, maybe, I really am worthless…maybe that's why father ignores Dib and I.
Father, the mighty Professor Membrane…I found his secret. I found the skeletons he keeps in the closet. His skeletons in the closet are the reason I turned so dark. I found outbefore Zim came. I discovered the truth about mother…about Dib…about my existence…my worthless existence. I am nothing but a shadow of the past that should not even existence. Yet…I still have the urge to live…no matter how many times I try…I fight to live. I know humans fight for survival…but why do I fight?
Gaz
Gaz could feel Dib's gaze on her. He was watching her, trying not to be noticed. She knew that he worried for her no matter what he did. A sigh left her lips…no matter how many times she pushed…he wouldn't leave her. She had pushed everyone else away, but he had remained. A thought crossed her mind and she wondered if it was because they weren't normal. She turned her head to the side and saw that Zim's table was empty. He hadn't been to skool in a few days. She briefly wondered what had happened to him. Gaz rubbed her wrist at the memory of their encounter. Today was Thursday and they had health.
She would have no choice but to go over to his house and check on him. Gaz frowned and wondered if she wanted to check on him. She shook her head and muttered a soft no. Gaz Membrane didn't need anyone.
"Are you alright Gaz?" Dib questioned with concern.
"Leave me alone," Gaz coldly growled before she tossed her food and tray into the garbage.
"You've been acting strange," Dib voiced as he caught up to her.
'Strange,' Gaz thought.
"You haven't been normal," Dib whispered as he watched her walking.
'Normal…what is normal?' Gaz wondered.
"Gaz?" Dib warily questioned.
Gaz clenched her fists and before she could stop herself, she had Dib by his neck. She slammed him to the lockers with her hands around his neck. He pulled at her hands in an attempt to dislodge her. She knew that even though she was hurting him, he was trying not to hurt her. Her eyes fully opened and he caught the look of regret in her eyes. She released her grip and allowed her hands to hover above his throat. She was frozen in fear…she didn't control herself. Gaz pulled away fro Dib and held her hands in front of her as if they burned. Before he could stop her, she ran off and disappeared down the halls.
"Why won't you talk to me?" Dib whispered as he held back his tears.
Dib pushed off the lockers and rubbed his sore throat. He knew that there was going to be a bruise. His worry over his sister overrode his own concern. Ever since she had stumbled in their dad's secret lab, she hadn't been the same. She had walked out of the lab, locked the door, and then ran to her room where she remained for days. Then one day she came out of her room darkly dressed, easily angered, and apathetic.
She ran through the skool and busted through the doors. Her eyes were wide and watching the reality, she was facing. She hated it with a passion…she hated this planet…these people. Gaz knocked over a woman as she ran for the park. The woman screamed as she hit the mailbox. Gaz didn't bother to look back as she continued to run. She didn't look at the street signs, she ignored the blares of car horns, and she ignored the protesting humans. They weren't calling out to help her, only to stop her from running over them. She froze in the middle of the crosswalk and watched as the car sped toward her.
The driver blared his horn and cursed at her as he came inches from her body. She gasped and took off running into the park. Gaz finally collapsed and fell to her knees in front of the lake. Her chest heaved as she struggled to regain lost air into her abused lungs. The sweat upon her brow disgusted her as her lungs began to ache. Each breath burned her and she hated the pain. She lifted her head and gazed at the lake with anger. The crystal surface of the water reflected everything she wasn't. Gaz hated the lake more then anything at this moment.
She hated the calm surface that reflected her distressed. Gaz loathed how beautiful and real it looked; she wasn't beautiful or real. Some guys thought her beautiful, but she wasn't real. She could never be real when she herself was nothing but a shadow of bitterness. Gaz sat on her rear and stared out into the lake hoping to find some answer. She didn't want to be here anymore. It hurt to be nothing more then a shadow. The pain would have been less if she had never found out, but she had found out and it hurt. Squeezing her eyes shut she willed the tears not to come, she refused to cry for herself. Pity was something she didn't want from anyone…herself included.
She suddenly stood up and began to walk. A soft growl left her lips as she continued through the park and to Zim's house. She wanted to finish this project as soon as possible. Once more, she closed her eyes and continued her trek. Her GS2 wasn't enough to keep her from reality. Gaz glanced at her watch and realized that school would be letting out in about three hours. She had three hours until Dib would come searching for her. Gaz softly scoffed and smirked when she saw the familiar green house and lawn gnomes.
The lawn gnomes actually seemed normal for once. They didn't turn around to stare at her. She pushed the doorbell and waited for those horrible robots to answer. Tapping her foot, nobody answered. The corners of her lips turned down in a scowl as she pushed the doorbell again. She held the button down hoping that the ring would annoy Zim into answering. The door flew open and she looked down after a moment. Gaz removed her finger from the doorbell and stared down at the little green dog.
"Master's not home so please leave a name, number, and message after the beep…Beep!" Gir stated as he smiled.
"That only works when you're on a phone," Gaz calmly said. Gir tilted his head and gazed up at her.
"Okay…you want some waffles?" Gir questioned.
"Where's Zim?" Gaz snapped as she stepped inside the house.
Gir shut the door and walked over to the couch. Gaz could hear him squeak with each step he took. He jumped on the couch and picked up the remote. She growled as he began to flip through random shows. Gaz walked over to Gir and grabbed the remote. She threw it into the TV and then glared at him.
"NO! THE TV! WHY?" Gir sobbed as he mourned the broken device.
"Take me to Zim!" Gaz growled.
"Okay," Gir replied as he stood up and walked over to the trashcan.
He stepped on the little pedal and the lid opened. Gaz walked over to him and curiously glared at Gir. He looked up at her and gave her a big smile. She looked into the trash and saw a metal disk waiting to take her down.
"He's down there?" Gaz questioned.
"Been down there for days," Gir responded.
"Is he alive?" Gaz questioned.
"I don't know," Gir evenly said before he ran back to the front room.
Gaz frowned and stepped inside the trashcan. She scoffed at this and couldn't believe she was getting inside a trashcan. It shot down and she watched different levels go by. She crossed her arms and glared at the different levels that passed her by. The elevator stopped and she stepped into the lab.
"Finally," Gaz mumbled as she slightly opened her eyes.
Her expression went more still if even possible. She cautiously took another step forward and winced. Screws and bolts clinked under her foot as she walked through the destruction. Gaz fully opened her eyes and walked toward the giant computer screen. Glass crunched under her boot as she gazed at it in wonder. A chair was thrown into the screen and sticking partially out of it. Sparks flared to life every few seconds around the chair.
'What happened here?' Gaz wondered as she continued.
Her arms flailed through the air and she grasped onto the nearest piece of machinery. She scowled at the puddles of liquid on the ground. Her amber orbs traveled to the broken chambers. She wondered why he would have broken the tubes and released his "experiments." Gaz ignored the sound of glass once more and continued on. She growled a curse as she tripped over a pulled up tile. A purple door greeted her at the end of the tunnel. She put her hand to the metal and it didn't open. Wrinkles covered her forehead as she glared at the door.
"Computer, open the door," Gaz ordered. She remembered Zim shouting commands to it.
"Access denied," the computer sighed.
"Open the door," Gaz growled as her patience wore thin.
"You must have the password to gain access to the room," the computer informed.
Gaz frowned as she reached up and held her chin in thought. If she were a self-centered alien bent on world domination…what would her password be. A smirk crossed her features as she rolled her eyes.
"I am ZIM!" Gaz relayed emphasizing the Zim's name.
"Access granted."
Gaz mentally gave herself a pat on the back and watched as the doors slid open. The room was dark and hindered her vision. She squinted and then ordered the computer to switch on the lights. A blinding flash filled the room and she was shocked once more. Gaz walked to the center of the room and nudged the body with her boot. No response and she nudged a bit harder. She deeply scowled and glowered down at the body. Glazed red eyes and pale green skin was the only thing she saw.
"What the hell did he do?" Gaz growled as she kicked him in the stomach or squeedly spooch for good measure.
Gaz growled at her misfortune and decided that a dead Zim wouldn't do well for the project. She didn't want to have to explain to her teacher that her "husband" had suddenly died. Gaz noticed a nearby plug lying next to Zim. An eyebrow rose and she walked over to the plug with curiosity. She rolled Zim over to his stomach and grimaced at how cold his skin felt. His tongue hung out of his mouth, as his eyes remained lifeless. She picked the plug up and flipped a switch. A spark generated and she grinned at her luck.
'He sure has a long tongue,' Gaz mused before she attached the plug to his Pak.
The pack glowed red and a shock was sent throughout Zim's body. Gaz watched his hand began to twitch. His claws dug into the floor and soon the plug detached from his Pak. Red eyes blinked and became filled with life. His antennae twitched and he pushed himself to his knees. He blinked one more time before his eyes landed on the pair of black boots. He followed the boots up the legs, passed the edge of the skirt, and to the purple hair. Angry amber pools glared down at him.
"You're not getting out of the project that easy," Gaz spoke with a meaningful glare.
"You fool!" Zim growled as he shakily stood up. "Do you realize what you've done?"
"Yeah…I got out of being a single mother," Gaz scoffed as Zim incredulously blinked at her.
"How…no why did you reactivate me?" Zim questioned as he glared at her.
"I don't want to be the one stuck with all this work," Gaz replied.
"How did you know about my Pak…and stuff?" Zim questioned.
"I do listen when Dib talks…I just don't care," Gaz responded as her eyes closed.
"Stupid human, you should have left me deactivated!" Zim growled.
"Why?" Gaz questioned.
"Because I wanted it!" Zim growled. "And what Zim wants, Zim gets!"
"You wanted to be dead?" Gaz questioned as she tilted her head to the side.
"That's why I self-destructed," Zim said in a tone that questioned her intelligence.
"That's a stupid way to self-destruct…you'd think there'd be some big explosion," Gaz mused. Zim scratched an antenna and nodded.
"Yeah, yeah, I know, but I just deactivated myself. I didn't actually press the button," Zim explained.
"Whatever, but we have a project," Gaz interrupted as she walked to the elevator.
Zim watched her begin to walk away. His antennae raised and he blinked in confusion. Gaz stopped and peered at him from over her shoulder. She sighed and turned around to face him.
"What is it now?" Gaz asked in annoyance.
"Why did you save Zim? Tell me!" Zim demanded as his fists clenched and unclenched.
"Why did you deactivate?" Gaz shot back.
"That is official Irken business," Zim replied as he crossed his arms and scoffed.
"I bet you aren't an invader," Gaz knowingly stated.
Zim glared at her for a moment before his antennae pressed against his head. Gaz noted their reaction and noticed his crestfallen mood. He walked ahead of her and motioned with his hand for her to follow.
"Come on, let's work on this project," Zim sighed.
"They exiled you," Gaz mumbled as she got into the elevator with Zim.
"Yes, they have exiled Zim! Go ahead and laugh, but it will be your last!" Zim growled.
"That's why you tried to kill yourself," Gaz mused as she thought about this.
"Deactivation is the only option for a defected," Zim replied.
"Just because your race abandons you, you try to kill yourself?" Gaz questioned as Zim nodded. "Pathetic."
"What did you say?" Zim snarled as his fist shook.
"You're life must be worthless if you have nothing to live for," Gaz firmly said.
"I have a reason to live!" Zim declared as he pointed to the ceiling. "My reason is the most reasonest reason around!"
"Reasonest?" Gaz repeated in question.
"My reason now marches through my veins like the giant radioactive rubber pants!" Zim loudly explained as she stuck a finger in her ear to cut off his voice.
"What is this reason?" Gaz ventured.
Zim darkly laughed as Gaz stepped out of the elevator and into the front room. She raised an eyebrow when he continued laughing. He coughed a few times and then continued. She rolled her eyes.
Author's Note:
Since I got so many reviews I decided to update.
The pants command you to review!